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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
Yourehavinganarf · 08/05/2015 04:05

The fact that they are in NZ makes his behaviour even more impressive I would say. Misogyny is endemic in NZ.

Kiwiinkits · 08/05/2015 05:27

Misogyny is endemic in NZ

No it's not?
I can safely assert that it's endemic in Pakistan, Iran, Iraq and Egypt. Haven't experienced much here. What a bizarre comment!

NZ nears the top of almost every single "status of women" list there is. Much higher ranked than the UK, Australia and USA.

DressedUpJustLikeEdie · 08/05/2015 05:47

He doesn't understand how effects me emotionally. I told him last night that it would be like me joining his old Crossfit Gym and training with all his friends there and him having to stay at home.

I don't understand how this affects you emotionally either. Confused

I think a grip needs to be got.

You wanted to move further away from that gym to be closer your family. He works near that gym so it make perfect sense for him to go there. Stop being such a whiney baby about it.

paxtecum · 08/05/2015 06:21

Op: get some top quality multi vits and minerals.
Have you had any food sensitivity testing?

SoldierBear · 08/05/2015 06:34

This sounds like a case of the grass is always greener.
Why not try a couple of weeks in his shoes: get up early every day, spend every spare moment working on your own business, cook the meal every night, get up early at the weekend, do the shopping yourself at the weekend etc. short play dates rather than lunches and coffees with mates. No pampering trip to get your nails done. Try it and see if it works for you.
You sound bored and discontented. If you think that working full time is going to benefit you then go for it.

Hathall · 08/05/2015 07:17

Op I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself.
It may be that your situation and illness is making you miserable but you sound a bit irrational.
Why is your bf worried about rocking the boat every evening?

You need to make some changes either in your behaviour or your situation

shewept · 08/05/2015 07:47

I am extremely worried that the DP may declare he has had enough and move out. I don't think you want this OP.

Whatever the reason for your behavior, you need to make steps to change it.

Footle · 08/05/2015 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

highlighta · 08/05/2015 10:32

I worry about how long DP can continue living like this too. When does he ever get free time and time for a 'lie in'. Why cant you cook dinner sometimes instead of going to lunch every day in the park or to a café.

Find some time to spoil him as much as he spoils you instead of nitpicking.

He says to me that he never sees his friends. That Monday to Friday he goes to work and is home as soon as he can but he doesn't understand that he gets to go to work and have normal adult interaction. He says that work isn't exactly a social situation and that he understands that I need more in my life than just being a Mum but then he also says that that was a choice we made and something that was to be expected. Obviously this really hurt me because to me he basically said I need to put up with it even though I know the situation is not a long term thing.

Read that back to yourself OP.

You said you see a friend every day that you go for a walk with. You also got out every day for lunch to a café or a park. That you also have no free time. Neither does he OP, as he is at work those hours. He isn't swanning around doing nothing have fun I am sure. He works for his family and i know personally that that is a more pressurized situation that working for a company without a family connection.

This is life with a child I am afraid. There are responsibilities and things do change. You have to accept that now. Very few parents i know (including myself) have plenty of 'free' time.

Shinytortoise24 · 08/05/2015 11:22

Are you 12?

SoldierBear · 08/05/2015 12:57

Look at your life: no getting up at 4am and rushing out of the house to commute , exercise and work. Lie in at the weekend. Daily meet ups with friends and meals out. Weekly pAmpering treats. Someone else doing the cooking and the nighttime routine with DC. Don't even have to do the shopping.

What more do you want your DP to do and how long do you expect him to be able to keep this up?

No wonder he goes to bed at 9. He never gets a break .

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 08/05/2015 13:15

Parenthood is tough in the early years OP. I struggle with 'just being a mum'. It's a massive life change. It sounds like your partner is trying his best to facilitate that life change. I know my DH would love to see friends and have coffee in the day rather than sit in an office doing a job he hates. I would love more adult interaction (SAHM to 17 month old). The grass isn't always greener, however.

BolshierAyraStark · 08/05/2015 14:15

I too think you're doing a cracking job of making him so unhappy he'll leave. Look at your life, your behaviour & how you're making him feel, from your posts he seems to do his fair share & compromises to make you happy-yet you're not Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 08/05/2015 14:48

One thing to add, though I've generally agreed with others, is I'm not sure we're taking your illness into account fully.

You used to be very fit and do lots of exercise. Now, as well as adapting to having a baby, you have an undiagnosed, uncomfortable illness and no idea how long it will last or when you'll feel able to do your preferred sort of exercise again. You're also young, so possibly used to being able to be quite self-centred (no, not everyone is, at that age or ever, many are).

So I understand you feeling quite trapped and despondent and sad that you're not able to do things your partner can. But, that's reason to feel glad for him that he can and is still interested in that lifestyle, so one day you'll be able to re-join him and enjoy that stuff together.

So yes, feel sad you're missing out but don't blame your poor DP.

seaweed123 · 08/05/2015 15:02

I can sort of empathise. I have a baby a similar age, and yes, there are lots of fun things that we do and enjoy - lunches out with friends, classes, swimming, trips to the park. But actually, those aren't the number one things I would necessarily choose to spend my time doing if I didn't have a baby. There are things I'd like to do, and currently can't, as I can't fit them into blocks of a couple of hours. And I paradoxically want to do these things, but also simultaneously DON'T want to leave my DC for a full day to do these things.

Things like haircuts and exercise have somehow become come classed as "me" time, when actually, they are just life maintenance tasks that need to be done for health/conformity. Going to the hairdresser is in the same category as going to the dentist, as far as I'm concerned, but worse, because it takes longer.

But, I think it's important to remember that making your DH less happy will not make you more happy.

You need to identify exactly what it is that YOU can change to improve your life and general happiness. What do you want to be able to do that you can't? Going back to work made a big difference to me. Having a couple of hours downtime during my bus commute has kick started my motivation, and also just the break away from home IS like a break, as far as I'm concerned. It means I really look forward to my days at home, rather than the days all blending into each other. I would find it too hard, trying to be a SAHM during the day while also being self employed.

So I think you need to change your own lifestyle to suit you better, rather than trying to bring your DH down to your level of unhappiness.

NRomanoff · 08/05/2015 17:22

Honestly OP, If you haven't always been like this and you are ill, you need to start taking steps to change this. Your DP will leave eventually, you can not continue to control your dp in this way.

Things like haircuts and exercise have somehow become come classed as "me" time, when actually, they are just life maintenance tasks that need to be done for health/conformity. Going to the hairdresser is in the same category as going to the dentist, as far as I'm concerned, but worse, because it takes longer.

I would agree except the OP classes her DP working ft as 'him' time. Surely if working and the gym is classed as 'him' time, getting her hair and nails done and going to the gym is 'her' time.

ThePinkOcelot · 08/05/2015 19:56

I must be really thick as I have read your posts really slowly, and I still haven't got a clue what it is about.

kormachameleon · 08/05/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mix56 · 08/05/2015 23:20

I think OP must be young & didn't know that having a baby/permanent relationship , means that you can no longer have everything you want, immediately.
Mother = sacrifices
Wife = compromises
welcome to adult life

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 09/05/2015 09:50

Totally agree mix56

Junebugjr · 09/05/2015 09:51

If a man had come on here spouting this he would have been taking to task about being abusive and controlling. You don't seem to have insight into why your behaviour is unreasonable and why it is unacceptable to chip chip chip away at your partner like this.
If your mental health is suffering you need to see a doctor, but please stop this abusive behaviour towards your partner, he seems to be running himself ragged and that still isn't enough for you. I can't imagine how down he must feel.
If you resent him for working, then you need to get back to work yourself.
Life with a baby isn't easy but you find a way. Your partner is doing his fair share, it's up to you to find a way to make yourself happy.

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 10:10

If a man had come on here spouting this he would have been taking to task about being abusive and controlling. You don't seem to have insight into why your behaviour is unreasonable and why it is unacceptable to chip chip chip away at your partner like this.

And that's exactly what happened here Confused

Moreisnnogedag · 09/05/2015 11:25

I've just watched a YouTube clip on cross fit. He does that at 5am?! Bloody hell.

AyeAmarok · 09/05/2015 18:06
Confused

This is the strangest thread ever.

OP, if this is real, you need to wind your neck in. You are in a very privileged position. Your DP has done a lot for you. If you are still not happy then you perhaps need to think about getting childcare and maybe a job out of the house.

mildlyacquiescent · 09/05/2015 18:12

A few years back, our PM, Head of State, Chief Justice, Attorney General and Governor General were all women at the same time. NZ is not perfect, but it's hardly Saudi fucking Arabia.