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Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 07/05/2015 17:37

Have someBiscuit

treacleturkey · 07/05/2015 18:11

This thread is bonkers.

MrsDeVere · 07/05/2015 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyCatKitten · 07/05/2015 19:24

I still don't know what crossfitter is Confused
I agree it all sounds crackers to me.

Rainicorn · 07/05/2015 19:31

Op, your BF sounds like a lovely bloke. He gets up really early and doesn't disturb you or your dad so he can go to the gym before work. He then does a full days work, comes home and cooks for you and outs the baby to bed. At the weekend you get a lie in, he takes the baby shopping so you can have some alone time. Not a lot of men would do that.

I think you'd benefit speaking to a GP or health visitor (do you get those in NZ).

You're not being isolated, you've sepaid you go out with friends for walks, your family are nearby, so I fail to see why you're kicking up a stink sit this one friends gym other than you're unhappy with how things are in general.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 07/05/2015 19:45

If this is really as it reads...

Poor chap!

shewept · 07/05/2015 20:04

I am so confused.

AmyElliotDunne · 07/05/2015 20:16

Is this a stealth boast? Your DP comes in from work, feeds and bathes your baby, puts her to bed, makes you dinner, suggests you go to the gym while he stays at home in the evenings, gives you a lie in and then takes the baby shopping while you get your hair done.

Honestly, my do is wonderful, but this makes even me feel envious! If you are honestly not happy with this set up op, you do have a problem, whether that is PND or something else, it's not a normal reaction to being with someone like this to feel hard done by.

KatoPotato · 07/05/2015 20:20

But he does kipping pull ups.

shewept · 07/05/2015 20:23

I think I got it. Your dp who moved for you, who works and does lots of childcare and chores, who makes you you get time yourself, who is generally supportive and does all a do should wants to join a gym. The gym he wants is near his work, meaning its convenient, and fulfills his requirements but you are horrified because said gym is owned by a friend of your and you don't want him hanging out with your friend.

Not because it will impact you or your baby, but because you want to go there and 'can't' at the moment because its too far away from your house, but close to his work.

You feel isolated and unfulfilled. Even though you live near family and see plenty of family and friends each week. You don't like your business anymore.

I think you are deeply unhappy with your life in general and blaming it all in dp and using this as an excuse. As excuses go its pretty lame, tbh. Its not the life you planned, but most peoples aren't. You have a decent and supportive partner, a lovely child, family and friends nearby that you see, a small business that is doing ok. You have a pretty good life, but are choosing to hold on to all the negative. Life with a baby is restrictive in some ways, but it gets easier.

Would you prefer to work fulltime and dp be the stay at home parent. If you got an au pair or childminder, would you work fulltime? is that what you want?

This thread is so bizarre that either I think the OP may not be well or be the DP.

Because I can't see what he has done wrong at all.

Angleshades · 07/05/2015 20:26

Op I think you've had a bit of a hard time from some of the posters here which isn't fair. It sounds to me like the problem runs deeper than just your dp wanting to visit your friends' gym.

When my daughter was a baby/toddler I felt a bit trapped by the relentlessness of parenting. It was so different from my life before children and I was totally uprepared for how demanding it was, even though I was with a wonderfully supportive partner. I sometimes felt annoyed that he still got to go to football matches...etc while I was at home with the baby. It was my choice to stay home with the baby but I still felt annoyed at staying home Confused. I felt like my life had changed completely into the role of a carer and I felt unreasonably resentful when my dp was off enjoying the odd bit of sport or going to a football match.

I eventually put my daughter into nursery for two afternoons a week and this was just before her 2nd birthday. It helped no end. It sounds to me like you could really do with some break time every week just to give you some breathing space. Yes there may be separation issues at first but it all works out once a new routine is established. You'll also probably feel some guilt at leaving your child but once you see your child start to thrive in the nursery you'll be thankful that you did it. It will also help your relationship as you'll have that little bit of extra time to yourself to unwind and concentrate on something you like doing.

Wishing you luck op.

shewept · 07/05/2015 20:28

Angleshades did you read the bits where she also has plenty of time to herself too?

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/05/2015 20:28

Has anyone seen my grips?

scarletforya · 07/05/2015 20:46

Your baby has two naps a day. You get lie ins and trips to the salon on Sundays. You go to the gym in the evenings, he does bath and bedtime.

You have it good, sounds like a piece of cake. Can't believe you're whining!

SoldierBear · 07/05/2015 20:48

I'm quite worried about your DP - that guy is running himself ragged during the week and is on tenterhooks around you at home.
TBH he is the one who needs a lie in at the weekends!
He's up at 4, trains when you're still in bed and then does a full days work, comes home and makes the tea and then baths the baby and puts her to bed. I don't know how he does it - he must be Superman!

Surely you could do the shopping during the week rather than him doing it at the weekend?

Let him train where he wants to train - he's already moved to where you want to be even though it's less convenient for him. You come across as wanting to control his life, which is jam-packed from morning to night while you write about meeting friends for coffee and having your nails done and then complain about him daring to have his own opinion on where he wants to train. Try putting him first for once because it sounds as if he always put you and your child first and it must be pretty miserable for him always being last in line for some consideration, attention and pampering. When was the last time you did something nice for him, like he does for you every single weekend with the lies in and doing the shopping?

MrsCookieMonster · 07/05/2015 21:04

OP, I think you are getting a little bit of a hard time here and the gym is maybe not the real issue it is more to do with you feeling like your BF has an easier life/ more freedom. I work and DH stays at home, he says I have an easier time of it because I get a break from the house and a change from doing the same thing every day and I say he has an easier time because he is not up at 5am trying to balance work and seeing DD etc. The truth is it hard for us both in different ways but we both largely enjoy what we do and appreciate what the other person does but sometimes it is hard.
Maybe your BF feels you are criticising him rather than just saying how you feel. How would you feel if he said he was upset because you don't have the stress of working outside the home or that he wishes he could have a nice walk in the morning and spend more time with your daughter, you might take it as criticism rather than him just saying how he feels.
Honestly he sounds very supportive and like he really goes out his way to help, it's not like he is spending 2 hours in the gym in the evening when you should be having quality time.
I don't think you are unreasonable to feel upset but equally I don't think it is your BF's responsibility because really what would you have him do - not go to the gym just because you can't, I'm sure you can see that makes no sense.
As other people have mentioned perhaps look at working part time and getting childcare and you might have more of a balance as it seems that is what you would like.

Angleshades · 07/05/2015 21:05

Yes thanks shewept I have read the thread.

Gabilan · 07/05/2015 21:41

Do you think we could clone this amazing man, I want one.

I was wondering if the OP would swap him for one of my cats.

shewept · 07/05/2015 22:08

Yes thanks shewept I have read the thread

Well then you can see the situation isn't the same. The OP already gets baby free time, you didn't.

AuntyMag10 · 07/05/2015 22:13

Op you sound controlling and frankly nuts. I'm amazed how this man is putting up with you.

category1 · 07/05/2015 22:24

My advice:

  • Get checked out for post natal depression. Get treatment if necessary. I sympathise, I do, I think you may be ill.
  • Put your child into daycare a couple of times a week, to do your online business work then. Stop doing it in the evenings if you're expecting him not to go to the gym etc.
  • Alternatively put your child into daycare, get a job, parttime or fulltime, outside the home. You need more in your life to stop obsessing over trivia and stimulate you.

The gym is not the problem.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/05/2015 23:22

I'm not even sure if it's depression, although it could be, but possibly because the relationship has been quite rushed and due that life hasn't turned out how you expected it to be and you're mourning that 'loss' and taking it out on your 'bf' who sounds great.

I also agree with the poster who mentions you going out to eat so much. You make it sound like an almost daily event for you and baby (not cheap!) and I find it a little odd. Are you doing it because you don't know what else to do and are a little lost?

Your 'bf' works, bathes and settles baby, does the food shopping (why aren't you doing this during the week?) and gives you time to go and pamper yourself and run your little business. Instead of pining for more you time don't you want to have some more family time? And alone time with your bf to keep the relationship going? Because if you don't then I can see resentment building purely because you are both playing families without the couple stuff that keeps people together.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2015 23:29

I still don't know what crossfitter is

Google is your friend:
www.crossfit.com/

It is becoming huge over here.

It is not for your average gym-goer

And it is hugely social and collaborative. So he gave up something that I would think was very important to him.

mildlyacquiescent · 08/05/2015 02:25

pollyswall Thu 07-May-15 13:01:09
I'm wondering if expectations are slightly different in NZ.

er, no. I'm a Kiwi and quite shocked at this.

PeppermintCrayon · 08/05/2015 03:04

I don't think anyone has been unfair to the OP given that, if her DH had been the one posting, people would have pointed out that the jealousy and controlling behaviour are abusive. And whatever the cause, OP needs to realise it is not okay to treat someone like that.