BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

[Mumtoonedarling]

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

Oh OP, I can understand that feeling of resentment about how dramatically your life has changed while his, to you, seems to have stayed the same.

Except it really hasn't. We don't understand the dynamics of your relationship, but I can see, clearly, that this guy seems to be going out of his way to make life as easy and lovely for you as possible.

Yes, he wants to continue his love of training, so gets up at 4am to do it so he can come home straight from work.

He comes home straight from work and immediately takes over childcare - bathing and settling your daughter, then cooking dinner for you.

At weekends he gives you a lie in, so you can rest.

At weekends, he takes the baby out to do some of the essential stuff, like shopping, so you can have some time to yourself.

Quite honestly, I think you have very little to be upset about. He seems to be going over and above what he could be doing. Most families, parents share the dull stuff like shopping. Do you ever put your daughter to bed? Do you ever bath her? Do you ever give him a lie in at the weekend or let him relax when he comes in from work and sort out your daughter and dinner?

I absolutely don't mean to be harsh, but relationships are all about give and take, sharing the crap and enjoying the best bits together. This doesn't seem to be happening here, and could be a reason you're reacting to things so extremely. Do you feel like you and he are a team, and you're working together, or like you're running a solo race and your daughter is the baton that gets passed between you?

I think it'd be worth talking to someone - health visitor or GP as it does sound like your resentment could be part of a bigger picture. A young baby, a still-new relationship and feeling dreadful can all be taking their toll on you, and you could well be a little depleted or depressed.

Thank you for your very honest opinions ladies. You've certainly given me a lot to think about.

Also be aware that this is a stage in your lives and things will change.

In good ways, your baby will grow and become more capable of doing things with you, less hard work to entertain. Personally I found the middle part of 1-2 yo the hardest work, from 2 she became a pleasure to do things with, interested and engaged, much of the time.

But, probably before that, she will stop napping in the day, so much or at all. That can be a shock.

Back to your question though, your DP does lots of family stuff and must have changed his life to be home reliably every single night. He sees the gym as so important to him that he forgoes sleep and gets up at 4am.

If you saw the gym, or anything else, as that important to you, you could do it while he's putting the baby to bed or after dinner (if that's later) or fit it into nap times, or prioritise it over whatever you're getting done to your eyebrows, for now.

The difference you seem to be identifying is not that he has the physical opportunity to do things you can't but that you've lost your motivation and he hasn't. I think you feel like doing more the more you do. That's very true of exercise and just getting out and about. Moping and resentment just breed more moping and resentment.

I've just read this whole thread & I am in genuine disbelief. Your DP goes to work, comes home to spend time with, cooks dinner, bathes & puts your child to bed during the week. At weekends he takes care of your DD so you can have a lie in, get your hair or brows done & generally seems very supportive of whatever you want to do & you are upset because you don't want him to use a gym that you want to use even though it would be more convenient for him? That's very childish.

You really need to work on your attitude & cut him some slack. I know a lot of women who would be thrilled to have a DP that helps out as much as yours does, myself included. He sounds like he's doing his best but you aren't appreciating it & don't realise how lucky you are. You sound very unfulfilled. As PP's have said, you really do have very little to be upset about.

Sorry OP but you sound like a spoiled brat.

You really need to work on your attitude & cut him some slack. I know a lot of women who would be thrilled to have a DP that helps out as much as yours does, myself included

Yeah - try reading some of the other threads on the relationships board and what other women have/are dealing with and upset about in terms of their DP/DH behaviour.

99.9% of them would trade their DH's family/childcare/attitude to your requests with your partner's in a heartbeat.

I'm not sure calling her names or pointing out that she could be with a tosser is helpful.

I think you both need to get out more - literally. You both need socialisation with other adults, you're not getting enough adult interaction and neither is he. It seems to be very intense you, him and the child 24/7. You need to build up a social life - see other people on weekends.

Oh and you need to let him go and train at that gym.

It seems that you chose to have a baby and had to give up doing stuff so he's not allowed to do stuff either because you'd be jealous of it. You're not feeling fulfilled so he's not allowed to do anything fulfilling either.

Based on your subsequent posts Ihave to say that your problem is NOT what gym he goes to.

You need to build a life that you're happy with regardless of whether he goes to gum A or gym X. You are not going to make yourself happy with your lot by denying him a sensible option of what gym to go to! I think thats kinda the misery loves company principle.

Twinkle is right you do need to get out more - whetehr thats working out of the home part or full time, daily structured activity or whatever floats your boat but you can't just pootle along resenting his life without attempting to address your own.

You're being completely and utterly irrational and unfair. But I think you know that now.

I'm staggered that some posters/the OP think the Father's life 'hasn't changed' and that he's just getting to do what he wants to do. BOTH of them are having to make compromises to work around the baby. Rightly so by the way, I think he's doing everything he SHOULD be doing. But to say he's continuing on living as he wants to simply because he gets to go to work?! I'm not sure what else he could do to be honest. Even if he gave in on this issue I'm reasonably sure the OP would find something else to complain about. I think you need to start taking some responsibility for your own happiness OP - I think you know yourself that simply being able to go to this other gym wouldn't make your life suddenly blissful. So what would? Do you need to make some plans to go back to work eventually, even if it feels impossible right now?

I'm wondering if expectations are slightly different in NZ.

Erm - how many of your friends will be in the gym at 4-5am? Seriously? It's just going to be him and the janitor.

This is not about the gym, you have to see this? This is exactly what Twinklestein Thu 07-May-15 11:47:57 said.

Sorry OP but I think you need to sit him down and apologise for being unreasonable, and tell him that you are struggling. I doubt very much that he thinks his life hasn't changed.

Our child is 14 months old I'm feeling pretty low at the moment. My health has not been the best since I feel pregnant. I had dangerously low Iron and had to have a transfusion 2 weeks before our daughters birth and now I suffer from an undiagnosed digestive problem that's like IBS.

My BF told me that he feels that he has to watch everything he says around me but I can say whatever I want

I'm sorry you're not well OP. It sounds as though your relationship has a lot of stresses with an unexpected pregnancy after only 12 weeks together and illness through both the pregnancy and the 14 months since the birth of your daughter. You've never really lived together as a couple, always parents to be or parents.

No matter how much a person steps up to the challenge, after becoming a parent everyone's life changes.
Your DP travels to work because you wanted to move, he gets up at a stupid time in order that his hobby doesn't encroach on family life, he cooks for you and your child, bathes her and does bedtime and takes her with him to do the family shop and yet you're jealous of his worktime because he meets other adults? He doesn't see his actual friends, but you see a friend for walks, people at the gym and the salon etc.

Perhaps you could organize your daily time table a bit better because there seems to be a lot of walking and eating out. If you're not food shopping or doing much housework during weekdays could you not do your work and banking then or confine your gym visits to when you can use the creche, so that frees up some evenings and more weekend time to spend with your DP?

To be frank, he probably feels like a bit of a domestic employee and an under appreciated one at that, obviously notwithstanding he's spending some time with his own daughter.

You really need to talk properly about your lives together to get this sorted out now for a happier balance for both of you and remember that this stage of late babyhood going to toddler phase doesn't last for ever. Yes there are lots of chores and it can seem like a treadmill, but you don't seem to be making any time for him to enjoy your child's babyhood.

From his comment about not wanting to rock the boat it gives me the impression that he could hand you the moon on a stick and you'd complain about the colour of the stick so I can well believe his frustration at the moment.

I'm sorry you feel this way but having children is rarely easy for any of us. It feels like your boyfriend gets it easy by going to work but he doesn't. I'm sorry to sound harsh but if you continue to make him responsible for your happiness then you will end up with a very unhappy man who may begin to resent your attitude and decide he can't live this way.

Is it because he does those bloody kipping pull-ups? If so, then HIBU

Based on your subsequent posts Ihave to say that your problem is NOT what gym he goes to.

Exactly this. The gym isn't the problem. The problem is that you are young and had a baby early in a relationship. Now, I'm not saying that that won't work or that the opposite will work but what I am saying is that you need to be mindful of this for both of you. I'm sure there are hundreds of people here who can tell you that they met and had a child together in less than six months and are still together (my own parents are an example of this).
Neither of you have had a chance to get to know each other yet. You haven't ever had normal everyday life. 3 months into a relationship and you suddenly had to make very serious, life changing decisions.
You both need to sit down and have a very full and frank discussion about what you both ideally want and out of those things what you can actually get.

He doesn't understand that you need to get out of the house and have adult conversation, he doesn't see that going to work scratches that itch for him. He seems to be doing a lot for your child in the evenings when he must be shattered. When do you get time together?

"On the weekend he usually gets her up changes and feeds her so I can have a sleep in. But most of the time I can't sleep once they're up unless I'm really tired."
What a bastard!

"getting my brows or hair done."
But you have no time for yourself?

"He has to work for a half day every second Saturday so that takes time from us as well but I usually use that time to go see friends"
How inconsiderate of him. But wait, again you have no time to yourself while he's busy enjoying himself at work

So, to put it in a nutshell: I am a size 20. My friend is a size 12. Because I can't get into a size 12 I don't think my friend should wear any clothes. Yes?

As I said before you're not angry with your bf, you really aren't, you'r just frustrated that such a little human can totally dominate your life. Your bf's doesn't sound like he has it easier than you, just different. Parenting is a series of compromises and sacrifices and you are both making important contributions.

I was a SAHM because of circumstance and not because I had a burning desire to finger paint and spend my time sitting in drafty church halls munching on rich tea, while DD ran about. I look back now and am proud I survived the tedium and feel fortunate that I had the time to spend with DD.

Op what do you want? Identifying it and putting in plans to realise it will definitely help with the feeling your in a tunnel without an end. They don't give out awards for martyrdom, if you don't like the status quo, change it.

Deep down you are still you, you just have different priorities and it takes time to find a balance. Go easy on yourself and go easy on your bff, you will find a balance but you have to be proactive.

Good luck.

But he has said that she can go to the gym in the evenings if she wants to but she doesn't.

I don't know but she gets more friend time than he does. She sees friends at weekends and for lunch and coffees during the week almost every day.

He's doing his fair share and gives her lots of me time. Her dissatisfaction is a result of her not him. Its easier to blame him instead of looking inward and doing something about it.

OP it is very clear from the thread that I am not the only one who thinks you are being totally and utterly utterly unreasonable and irrational. Please have a think about whether you might be, and why. Are you struggling with the adjustment to being a mum? Are you overtired? Are you anaemic? Depressed? Do you need to go back to working more hours and put your baby into childcare? I don't see how much more your partner can do, tbh.

utterly

I'm sorry you are feeling crap OP but it sounds as though your partner is running about like a blue arsed fly trying to keep you happy and still gets criticised for it. You have all day to do things (yes, with a baby but still) and then all evening as it sounds as though he does everything from 6pm onwards as well. Poor bloke