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Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
sammyjayneex · 10/05/2015 10:52

I understand where the OP is coming from. She has to stay at a gym that she's not happy with because of childcare and he gets so much freedom to go where he wants. These days woman have to just make do whilst the man never has to make sacrifices. It's so wrong!

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/05/2015 10:55

But she doesn't have to sammy... She had said that her partner is happy to look after their DD while she goes to the gym. She has just chosen not to go to the one that's half an hour away, that they actually moved away from at her instigation so that they could be closer to her family...

AGirlCalledBoB · 10/05/2015 10:56

Of course you are being unreasonable, I would go one step further and say you are being odd.

Why on earth can't he go to that gym if he wants to.

Lweji · 10/05/2015 10:57

Just pointing out that as of her last post, the OP said she was taking what was said on the thread on board...

Shizzy · 10/05/2015 11:02

For goodness sake, get a grip. YABtotallyU. Sounds like your issues run deeper than the bloody gym. Figure out what they are and then come back.

minkGrundy · 10/05/2015 11:17

OP I think the issues are:
Motherhood is not what you expected. You are not alone in this. Most people get a shock. It gets better. You don't want to admit you resent parenthood because society says you are neant to love it and to say otherwise is to admit to making a mistake. Whereas saying your dp is a bit selfish is fine because so many are. Actually it is fine to say parenthood is hard, little kids are quite boring, talking to other mums gets a bit much. Its ok to say you miss bits of your life that changed.

Working from home sounds like an ideal solution when you have a kid but often it is even more isolating.

You quite possibly have PND and should get checked out.

You are jealous of your dp but taking things away from him won't make you feel better.
If you are jealous of him working out of the home then perhaps that is where to start.

Could you both work PT?

I know I love my kids but I don't want to be with themall the time. Going back to work saved me.

I don't have half the things you have, haircuts, gym time, a dp who pulls his weight but taking those away from you wouldn't make my life better. It is what it is. You have to work out what you can change and change it.

And don't underestimate PND. It can last years and totally drag you down.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/05/2015 11:21

Actually this thread has prompted me to feel less guilty about leaving DD with DH at weekends, to book a haircut and to make some plans with friends so thank you OP Smile

MrsSheRa · 10/05/2015 11:21

Op I don't mean to sound harsh but from what you have written it sounds like you're in a one because your partner will not continue to dance to your tune.

Talk together and find a way of compromising so that you get to see your friends. He sounds like he is devoted to you and your dd.

Bursarymum · 10/05/2015 11:26

YABU, sorry. I can't imagine how this is such a big issue for you. And I am a regular gym goer.

sammyjayneex · 10/05/2015 11:54

I don't get all the people praising this man for giving his daughter a bath and cooking for his own child?? this doesn't make him perfect, this makes him a father, this is what he should be doing anyway. Just because a works doesn't mean he should stop being a father and when he does do the chores for HIS child it doesn't mean hes a hero.

Its hard being a mother and having so many restraints on you. I'm having a difficult time myself. My husband is the same....he will go to the gym and leave me sat at home and he works full time so there isn't any time for me to do anything, all i do is clean the stupid house.

I feel resentful that men can pick and choose which parts of being a husband and father they want....usually the easier parts. This is why i know what the OP is going through. Just because he helps with the child doesn't mean we have no right to complain/ be upset.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/05/2015 11:58

But I think you're projecting your own experiences Sammy. OP does get time to go to the gym, get her hair cut, see friends, have her brows done etc. Nowhere has she said she doesn't. She said she can go to the gym any night she wants while her DH stays at home with the baby!

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 10/05/2015 12:00

In fact the only time she's restricted by the baby is when her partner is out at work. He is restricted at that time too, by work!

SoldierBear · 10/05/2015 12:05

Agreed that Sammyjo is projecting onto a very different situation.
OP's husband has a hell of a lot of constraints on him and sounds so considerate, even letting her have a lie in at the weekend although compared to him she has a lie in every single day. She eats out every day but doesn't cook tea for both of them - he has to do that and then do the bath and bed routine for the toddler before collapsing into bed at 9pm to get up at 4 the next morning

People are praising this man because he is a loving partner and parent who is getting a shitty time because he wants to go to a nearby gym, thus allowing him a bit more time at home. It doesn't affect OP at all, other than he will be among friends. She meets her own friends every single day for coffee/lunch etc but doesn't want her DP to do the same.

QuintShhhhhh · 10/05/2015 12:10

You need to tell your friend to buy a gym near your house.

Seems perfect that your bf has found a gym that allows him to go at lunch time, or just before work, leaving more time with you and baby.

sammyjayneex · 10/05/2015 12:25

OP has your man ever done anything to make you not trust him??? if he has then this maybe why you are not liking him changing gyms. I may be mentioning my issues but thats only because i am feeling sad myself at the moment. I know i hate the fact my husband goes to the gym but thats a lot to do with the fact i have lots of reasons not to trust him. Sometimes its best not to judge the OP straight away as she might have a valid reason.

NRomanoff · 10/05/2015 12:32

sammy but the OP does get time to herself. Your situation is not everbodies. If you are pissed off with your dh, doesn't mean everyone else's dh is the one in the wrong.

SilverBirch2015 · 10/05/2015 12:56

Sometimes we all feel some things that are not reasonable or logical to feel. I can understand that you are a bit jealous that your husband has the option to go to the gym you would like to attend.

But you cannot expect him to forgo something just because you feel this way. I'm jealous because my husband's parents lived longer than mine, I wouldn't have expected him not to see them. My husband can eat more food than me without putting on weight. He can go out walking in the countryside when I can't because of a seriously injured knee.

To be honest, you don't sound like you love him much. Do you have a very competive relationship?

Footle · 10/05/2015 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sammyjayneex · 10/05/2015 20:06

Sorry but what does RTFT mean?

GoatsDoRoam · 10/05/2015 20:21

"Read The Fucking Thread"

The acronym is used when posters react to the opening post without having read the pages of posts that have happened since, in which the conversation will have greatly evolved.

SilverBirch2015 · 10/05/2015 20:22

Read The F..ing Thread!

mynewpassion · 10/05/2015 20:29

Read the full thread.

Lweji · 10/05/2015 20:34

Read the full thread.

No. Not really. Not "full".

Variousrandomthings · 10/05/2015 20:43

OP i think you need to invest in yourself so that you are happier. What steps can you take to improve your own happiness at home?

Plateofcrumbs · 10/05/2015 20:50

I think it can be hard when you have children, if you're used to living life a similar lifestyle your partner and then suddenly your paths diverge if one of you becomes a SAHP. It's easy to become jealous or resentful of what the other one has - not because it is better so much as because it is different from the options you have.

Also is easy to get stuck in a rut, and repeatedly doing the same thing day in, day out can wear you down, even if it is stuff that on paper seems like a lovely way to spend your day.

Lots of other people have given you a reality check OP, and you seem to have taken that on board.

I think it would be worth changing your schedules a bit - try to get more done whilst your BF is at work so you can carve out some more family time together at weekends. You sound a bit like ships that pass in the night at the moment, which can't be healthy especially when you have been together for a short period. Maybe plan some days out etc so you have things you can both look forward to and give you some motivation to sort out chores etc in the week.