BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

[Mumtoonedarling]

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

You can't do something you would like to do. Your husband is able to do that. So you want him to stop doing that because, hey, misery loves company.

Nice reasoning. Control issues. Get them fixed.

If he was spending same amount of time at any other gym you'd be ok about it but this gym, no? Have I got that right?

If that is the case you are massively unreasonable.

If you are dissatisfied with your life why not look at how you can change it rather than resent his life?

Why don't you both take turns going to the gym you both like?

Are you still there OP?

How do you feel now?

The simple practical solution could be something like:

1. You have moved to be closer to your family
2. A couple of times a week, take baby to family
3. Take yourself over town to meet BF
4. Both train at your friends gym.

But I suspect that really:

1. You had a baby a bit too soon into your relationship.
2. You are a bit overwhelmed by all the changes in your life (relationship, work, baby, location, health), especially as you are relatively young
3. You might be a bit depressed (could be PND or IBS. I have IBS too and the pain/sleep loss this can cause leaves me really depressed at times too). I do fodmaps and it helps, but it isn't perfect. Some fodmaps safe things trigger me, so see if there is a pattern there. Also Prescript Assist and Jarrow Ideal Bowel Support probiotics have made a big difference to me in the number of flares I have. But get help, especially as it might be PND.
4. You aren't really sure if he loves you due to the way you drifted together, and therefore you feel insecure, and therefore you keep trying to get him to prove it by getting him to agree to requests to change his behaviour. Just talk to him about it.

He does sound like a decent guy who wants to make things work, and you have every chance at a happy life if you are prepared to tackle some of the things that are making you unhappy yourself. I think if you are honest about this with him, he will be supportive in helping you make the changes you need to make. But please try doing that rather than forcing changes on him.

Why don't you both take turns going to the gym you both like?

She says she can't go to the one because its near his work not near their home. She says its too far for her to travel.

She does go to a gym, but not the one she wants.

He gets up early and goes before work. I doubt she will do the same, when she won't do it at night, they ill have to get back before dp goes to work. Why should he not go to a gym near his work, when she and the child are asleep?

Baring in mind they moved away from the gym and his work because she wanted to be closer to her family.