BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

[Mumtoonedarling]

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

I'm really confused about what the issue is here.

It sounds like you have a supportive partner, if you aren't seeing that it might be best for you to talk through your reactions with someone.

I'm 25 and my BF is 33. We were together for 3 months before we got pregnant and we were friends before that and he said that he was attracted to me but didn't do anything to ruin our friend ship but I grew closer and closer to him until we just started being a couple, if that makes sense at all? Our Daughter was a surprise but we both wanted to have a little family no matter how it happened.

I was starting to presume that you were teenage parents.

I think you sound very unhappy, but do you think that you're possibly laying the blame wrongly with him? And the responsibility for fixing it wrongly with him?

Plus. Order groceries online. That's not a family activity.

Well it's not is it, because he's doing it with the baby, OP is getting her eyebrows done.

If you're not happy with your life - then change your life.

Don't do nothing and then moan. Stop doing that whole 'yeahbut' thing. You are building your own walls here. You are putting out your own obsticles.

Instead of your default being I can't possibly do this... flip that. I want to do X, how can I make that happen.

Things may not fall into your lap without any effort or change on your part. You may need to compromise. You may have to give something up to get something that is of more importance to you.

But one thing's for sure, if you carry on like this, all you'll ever feel is miserable and resentful.

Okay, well clearly the OP is upset, even if we can't quite gauge the dynamics of what is going on.
At a guess: the bf is stepping on her toes. She wants something to be "hers" because the relationship is very full on. She is stressed because they have a small baby and she wants a little sanctuary type place, similar to what he gets, and she finds that voila-- he's going to be at the very place she had set her heart on. If he's a full on, in your face type of person, this would grate.

My exh wanted to go to the gym but I pointed out to him that we just couldn't afford the membership and it should be spent on the children. I don't know if I was right or wrong about that. Like the OP exh very much felt the gym was his thing, even though I was generally more active than him and enjoy exercise just as much. He felt it was justified for him to spend time and money at the gym, but not for me to. It was a prestige thing that he felt he was due.

It was just something I felt was an enormous luxury and that it was taking far too much out of the pot and if he really wanted to exercise that badly he could create a route for himself locally and just run it, like I did.

I'm not sure if I'm touching on what has upset the OP, but I don't think people should have a go at her.

Sakura, the Op isn't even bothered about going to gyms so shouldn't get nearly because she wanted to go a particular one. It's only because a friend works there,that's hardly a sanctuary is it!

But sakura he has made lots of compromises for the situation of now having a small child. He moved house for his girlfriend's wishes and gave up his sport in order to prioritise family time and finances. He supports his girlfriend in getting to the gym. Nothing medal-worthy but a pretty good sign that he's being very fair.

Is the available child care really that bad?

Why not give it a go and see how your DD adapts to it?

I agree that you need to get at the root of what is making you unhappy. If you resent the adult interaction and really want to work, then do it.

Child care may not be the same as at home, but your DD may also benefit from interaction with other adults and children.

More crucially, she will benefit from a happier mum, and, possibly, parents who are together.

You should spread your wings and do what is right for you, not to keep restricting your OH. Remember that working is not proper adult interaction. It can be stressful, and depending on what he works on, it may actually be fairly rare, at least not much more than your walk with friends in the morning, cafe lunches, business contacts, things done at the weekends, and (likely) family meets.

I do wonder why you call him bf, unless it's a common usage in NZ, it sounds like you don't consider him your committed partner. Are you still unsure of the relationship? Is that a source of unhappiness for you?

Also, sakura, they both go to the gym, so it's not about the money.
And the OP is getting lunch at cafes or the park, apparently. Surely she is not saving up much these days.

He works for the family company which you would think is great but there are some very intense expectations because of that and he does feel a lot if pressure. He has told me that it is sometimes hard to separate himself from work and home and that he thinks he's not doing either justice because of that.

It's easy to get resentful - you see him swanning off to work, he sees you going to the gym and meeting friends for coffee.

Sorry, I meant possibly.

What could your OH do to make this situation better OP?
I am a SAHM to a 17 month old and am 31 weeks pregnant. DH works long hours and goes to the gym in his lunch break. I get the thing about your life changing and his not, I really do, however his life has changed. He has moved across town to be closer to your parents, meaning he now has a longer commute. He comes home every evening, puts your DD to bed and cooks dinner (I would kill for this, DH isn't home in time). He facilitates you working for your business. He takes your daughter out at the weekend so you can have your hair/eyebrows done (again, this sounds blissful to me).

What do you want from him? What is he not currently doing that he could do (in your opinion) to make your life easier/better?

What do you think about what everyone is saying to you op? It's as if you are not really engaging with it all.

To be honest its a shock. The only reason I started this topic was because my BF reaction was so strong that it made.me question my behavior.

I hope you are glad you did start it and are taking some stock. Even if you are still in shock by the responses.
I understand it may be very difficult. Give yourself time to look into yourself and digest it properly.

And give him a little break too. :)

Could you find it in yourself to go to him and recognise that you were being unreasonable about this gym and give him your blessing?

Sorry OP but I'm with everyone else on this.

I also think that you started saying he shouts at you etc in an effort to make people feel sorry for you once you realised that everyone thought that you were being very unfair.

I think if he's trying to juggle all his responsibilities, work, childcare, relationship etc whilst also trying to squeeze in some time that he needs for himself to feel okay, and he still feels he's not doing any of those justice, and then you attempt to take away his hobby when it doesn't even affect you, it's not taking time or resources away, but you simply don't want him doing it because (and I'm sorry to be harsh) of what I can only describe as spite, I can quite understand why he was upset and had a bigger reaction than you were expecting.

I do think you're being unfair. And I don't really understand why you can't drive the 30 minutes there in the evenings if he's taking care of daughter anyway?

To be honest, I feel bad for you OP. It's miserable feeling resentful and it must seem your life has changed beyond all recognition.
I think the 2 of you need to sit down and decide what works best for you all as a family.
It sounds Like your DP is at breaking point with tiredness, early starts to get the gym out the way, work sounds full on and then home to do dinner and childcare!
You are ultimately feeling unfulfilled and your day sounds like killing time with time away from the house and I think you've lost enthusiasm for having half a foot in the door of your business so struggle to motivate yourself to fit time in during the day to complete tasks related to it. It's horrible becoming a SAHM after years of freedom to do what you want and it a easy to feel like your life is drudge and boring.
All of this isn't good for your dd, she wants and needs happy connected parents that love each other and work together.
I think you need to revisit childcare, you say the nursery isn't suitable but I'm sure if you went together for a few sessions to try it you may feel differently.
You cannot ignore your feelings and keep going the way you are, it is leaking out and affecting your relationship with your dp.

Well, you are unhappy and you need to do something about that. Is there any possibility you are depressed - you mightn't realise - it could be worth talking to your GP about this.

The fact that you feel a deep unhappiness that is not rational, moves focus from one topic to another, affects everything and you feel is very real, even the fact that you struggle to explain it to us easily and seem to have difficulty recognising the difference between your feelings and external reality, suggests this could be the case.

Or a lot of this could be habit, an effect of spending a lot of time on your own and in the home, getting obsessed about things that wouldn't normally bother you.

You sound like someone who needs to work to feel fulfilled, busy and valued. But, it is interesting that you say you didn't find work fulfilling before. So why didn't you train for something more fulfilling? Why not think about doing that now, or in a year or two? Recognise that your business is really convenient at a time when you need flexibility but not your longer term plan.

You come across as quite passive. Things aren't as you'd like but you don't think 'what can I do to change this?' In fact you sound like someone who has a long habit of seeing themselves as a victim of circumstance, always done to, passively accepting and moaning, not doing, not responsible for themselves. A classic glass half empty person. Have you always been like that?

You also sound as though you have difficulty recognising the difference between feelings and ways it is reasonable and appropriate to act on those feelings. It's not what we feel that counts it's what we choose to do about it.

Most people would recognise that while your feelings about the gym are real, the idea you could ask your DP not to go, or continue to mind, would be unreasonable. You seem to struggle with the distinction.

More simply, get our in the evening occasionally. See friends, see a film, go to your gym. It's brilliant that your DP does bedtime and is home every evening. (Some people's work away for example). Mine was home too and I found going out with friends once or twice a month, having adult conversation and keeping that link with my previous life made a big difference to my sense of myself and my happiness.

Yabu. He sounds great. I get that you are stuck at home, but you could go out once the baby is in bed, and train.

I think you need to suck it up. He sounds more supportive than most partners , considering the time he wants to put in, you would have thought it would be a good way of him saving time in his nonsense schedule.
He cooks dinner, does the baby routine, moved so you can be nearer your family; goes to work...
You are jealous because he might see your friend... but in reality he will be training. are you always so envious? Surely when your baby is a little bit older you can leave her at a creche & go to the club you choose, altho' you say you don't like sport/gym.
So why not meet your friend in the evening & go for a meal or invite her over... & spend time with her that way ?
Could it be that the problem is actually that you are just not happy being a SAHM ?

Do none of your friends with kids work? What are their childcare arrangements? Perhaps you could look at a nanny share if you don't want childcare outside the home environment but do want childcare?

You have to make compromises somewhere. Want to work outside the home for adult company = childcare, want to exercise = use convenient gym.

Other than the 4am starts your lifestyle sounds pretty normal for a couple with a baby and your bf seems to do his fair share in the evenings and weekends. Saying you don't want him to use a gym that is convenient because he might see your friends is insane. It makes far more sense to use a convenient gym and save time so he can get home to be with you and your baby.