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Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
Flipflopskid · 07/05/2015 00:56

and just to be clear to him that you won't be the only one working out with the tot in tow show him this.

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.
SelfLoathing · 07/05/2015 00:56

he thought I was joking as it sounded so crazy.

He's right. It is crazy.

WAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WAAAAAAAHHH!!! DON'T TRAIN AT "MY" GYM EVEN THOUGH I DON'T GO THERE. WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! YOU MIGHT SEE MY FRIENDS AND I CAN'T. WAAAAAHHHH!!!

scallopsrgreat · 07/05/2015 01:01

He doesn't seem to visit friends with his child in tow, Lweji. He's not appearing to be doing anything with his child in tow. I don't think he's a particularly bad partner or father btw, I just think he doesnt have the same limitations imposed on him in terms of childcare and that it is understandable it can build up resentment. She has to arrange with him when he does childcare, but the opposite is not true.

So when does he expect you to do your work, if not at night, OP?

Can you get any free time for yourself at the weekends?

scallopsrgreat · 07/05/2015 01:03

Hmm That's a bit unfair SelfLoathing. The OP is clearly struggling with stuff at the moment.

PetrovaFossil1 · 07/05/2015 01:08

" I ask if he minds if I work while we time for just us and he says he doesn't but I think he does sometimes but doesn't want to rock the boat, so to speak."
And
"Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't want to talk so I cut it short"

Sounds like you're looking for problems - he can't win. If he said he minded you working in the evening would you prefer that?! As opposed to giving you time for what you want without raising objections?

DubbyDubby · 07/05/2015 01:11

Be nice to the OP, she's trying to explain. There's no need to ridicule her.

OP is this really about the gym? Your comments about how he doesn't listen when you raise problems make me feel there's more to it/other stuff bothering you? Do you struggle to verbalise what the real issue is at times?

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 01:16

Yes DubbyDubby. We were not together long before we got pregnant so there are things that we haven't had time to fully work though.

He says to me that he never sees his friends. That Monday to Friday he goes to work and is home as soon as he can but he doesn't understand that he gets to go to work and have normal adult interaction. He says that work isn't exactly a social situation and that he understands that I need more in my life than just being a Mum but then he also says that that was a choice we made and something that was to be expected. Obviously this really hurt me because to me he basically said I need to put up with it even though I know the situation is not a long term thing.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 07/05/2015 01:26

Mumtoone I can understand your feelings. Until you have children you can't really understand the effect that they have on your life. And that feeling of being trapped whilst others can leave it behind, like your DP.

How do you manage childcare at the weekend between you?

It is OK to say this isn't working for me, though. Perhaps get some childcare for a couple of mornings a week? Or start some work out of the home?

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 01:36

On the weekend he usually gets her up changes and feeds her so I can have a sleep in. But most of the time I can't sleep once they're up unless I'm really tired. Weekends is the time where we try to spend real quality time together as a family so we will go out to a Park or Cafe or do some other activity. Sunday is usually shopping day so my BF will take our daughter grocery shopping while I do some other thing like banking, dispatching orders from my business, getting my brows or hair done. He has to work for a half day every second Saturday so that takes time from us as well but I usually use that time to go see friends or do some other odd job.

OP posts:
SunshineAndShadows · 07/05/2015 02:09

It sounds like he pulls his weight, moved house, and gives you time to pamper yourself, see friends and go to the gym, yet you won't let him train for a sport that's really meaningful to him?

I think if you want to make this relationship work you need to to reconsider your attitude - you're being completely unreasonable

Eastpoint · 07/05/2015 03:41

So what would make you happy? Would you like an afternoon in the week to yourself? Were you self-employed before you had your daughter? I used to swap children with a friend - I'd have her two one week for a morning and she'd have my one the next. It worked well.

Moreisnnogedag · 07/05/2015 03:57

Ok leaving aside the oddness of not wanting him to use this particular gym, you don't sound happy at all. But this seems internal rather than external. Is it possible to have formal childcare like a childminder or nursery, even if just a few mornings a week? It's ok not to like being at home, I couldn't hack it and went back to work sharpish.

In some ways it is easier being the parent who goes to work. I know my dh finds it difficult sometimes because he doesn't get the adult interaction that I do every day. But it sounds like on paper at least you and your partner have a good balance between family time and 'me' time. I don't think he could change anything he does that would make you happy, which means you need to look to yourself for that.

Laladeepsouth · 07/05/2015 04:13

Can this be real? If so, OP may be "getting" to work outside the home full-time before she knows it.

BadgersArse · 07/05/2015 04:23

Op. You need to go back to work.

BadgersArse · 07/05/2015 04:24

Plus. Order groceries online. That's not a family activity.

NerrSnerr · 07/05/2015 04:41

I don understand why you're angry at your partner. It appears that he contributes to the household and helps give you leisure time. It sounds like you're finding being at home tough. Could you get a job out of home?

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 05:30

I work from home doing what I did before our child - and online boutique clothing store - but it does not fulfill me. We have talked about an Au Pair as we have the room in our house but it would mean a stranger in our own space, if that makes sense? But that would allow me to go back to work which he is open to but I'm not sure if I'm ready for the separation.

OP posts:
BadgersArse · 07/05/2015 05:33

A nursery? Like most people use?

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 05:40

We have talked about daycare, what we call a nursery here in New Zealand, but the standard of care is not good we both feel. My family all work and his family live too far away and I don't want to burden my friends.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/05/2015 05:57

A childminder? Do you have those?

You just sound very unfulfilled by your life and very envious of him. I had a baby with a man who didn't want to change his lifestyle and believe me he was nothing like yours. I don't think you're wrong for envying him exactly because they are your feelings but I think you're displacing what you really feel and that is that you aren't taking to stay at home parenting and that's fine!
I think a couple of days a week in childcare for you to work, do your eyebrows and get to whatever gym you want would be just the ticket. Can it be managed?

HicDraconis · 07/05/2015 06:04

He's moved across town so you're closer to your family (your request).
He works a full day, comes straight home and cooks an evening meal then takes over childcare with bathing and bedtime.
He's currently getting up at 4am to train in the morning so that he doesn't have to do it in the evening (at your request).

During the day you get time to yourself while your daughter naps (9-10/11, 3-4.30), at the weekend you also get a lie in and then on Sunday he takes your daughter grocery shopping so you can sort your online business out and get your hair done?

YABVU. He won't be using this different gym to socialise with your friends, he'll be using it to train. Sounds like he has made changes to his life to accommodate your DD and your requests, but you aren't seeing them because all you can see is your own. I'm sure he's feeling very under appreciated to be honest.

Can't really pass a comment about NZ nurseries (which, surprisingly, they are also called in NZ) as both my children had fabulous care in 2 different ones, compared to the fairly average/poor care they had in their UK one before we left.

I agree with others that you seem to be not satisfied with your life at home / with your DD and you are blaming your partner for what is probably not his fault. I'm not sure what you'd need an au pair for to be honest, if they take over cleaning and childcare what is left for you to do aside from your online shop? Have you looked at PlayCentre? Could be something for you to do in the day with your daughter but not in the commercial nursery setting of childcare.

antimatter · 07/05/2015 06:14

I think you are unhappy wit5h your current life. This affects your health and you are feeling unwell.

No amount of adjusting from others will help until your mental health improves.
Please look for help from your family doctor.

You may be not happy in your relationship too, maybe your BF isn't the love of your life and you are mourning that.

From what you wrote he does a lot and tries to keep his hobby going as it probably keeps him sane. Getting up at 4 AM for training shows his commitment to you as well - he changed a lot in his life and you are trying to impose one more restriction on him. Jealousy is the reason.

It won't work if you do because he will resent you - you are resenting him and the next thing is you will be arguing non stop and splitting up.

If you don't love him - admit it.

If you are depressed - seek help.

Your life will never be the same as before your child was born and that is one fact you just have to accept.

Rebelwithacause · 07/05/2015 06:18

Honestly this poor bloke can't so anything right.

If it's just down to the gym, then you are jealous, plain and simple. And you are bring unreasonable so you have to deal with those feelings yourself and let the guy train where he wants.

It doesn't sound as if he could do any more for you or the family. I think you should appreciate him more.

So is the issue your dissatisfaction at being at home? It can be tough in the early days with a child but those days don't last forever. I agree with others about finding occasional daycare.

Isetan · 07/05/2015 06:20

How old are you and how long were you with your bf before you got pregnant?

Your frustration isn't about your bf's choice of gym it's about the responsibility of being the on call parent for at least 12 hours a day. The gym represents a freedom which you feel isn't easily available to you.

Young children take up an incredible amount of time and energy and the monotony of their routines can be very depressing. The day DD went to preschool for three morning a week I cried because for the first time in two and a half years I had regular scheduled time when we weren't joined at the hip.

I can understand your bf's frustration because your complaints on the surface, aren't rational or coherent. If you need to make changes to your routine that gives your some time for just you, then talk about the practabilities of that. Being the target for someon else's dissatisfactions is unjust and tiresome and probably is a source of resent for your bf.

May I suggest you talk to a counsellor, they could help you to clarify and get to the root of your issues because given the reactions here, your bf's isn't the only one who has difficulties understanding you.

Good luck.

UseHerName · 07/05/2015 06:31

Forgive me if I've missed something obvious, however , Why would you need to go to a gym with a crèche whenever he is at home?

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