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Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 06/05/2015 23:21

he has moved so you can be close to your family, he comes home every night to put his baby to bed and doesn't go to the gym because you don;t want him to Confused

If you want your life to be like his then go back to work.

pictish · 06/05/2015 23:21

But you are not the only one who thinks your life has been turned upside down by the arrival of the bambinos, while your partner seems to rock on blissfully unaware. It's something that does come up on here with regularity.

Fwiw I think your bf's training seems pretty overly intense. However, if you're ok with that aspect of his life then I think your issue over this particular gym is daft.

Kewcumber · 06/05/2015 23:22

I agree Pictish - my issue with him would be getting up at 4am to go and train not which gym he chose?!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/05/2015 23:26

i have a colleague who gets up at 4am for his commute so they could live near his wifes family.

The 4am-6.30am (which is the time he would leave home for work if no gym) stint wouldn't bother me as that is his time to waste at the gym - I would definitely still be in bed!

The gym seems to be the only thing he does 'for him' from what you have said (you can correct me if that's wrong!!)

ConnortheMonkey · 06/05/2015 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Milllli · 06/05/2015 23:30

He accommodates all your needs, you need to return the favour or run the risk of ending up parenting alone.

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 23:31

He doesn't understand how effects me emotionally. I told him last night that it would be like me joining his old Crossfit Gym and training with all his friends there and him having to stay at home. He told me that it's not even close and that he thought I was joking as it sounded so crazy.

OP posts:
dinoswore · 06/05/2015 23:32

I can't be the only one that thinks like this?!

You are not the only one who thinks and feels jealous of their partner's freedom during the early years of parenting.

I know I have felt like this.

However, your expectation that he will not use this particular gym is not reasonable. It won't affect how much time or commitment he is giving to you and his child. He will train anyway.

I ask again, what do you do that is just for you? Maybe you need a new focus, outside of parenting. Something to help you feel like you have an identity of your own. Is it really not possible for you to go to your friend's gym in the evenings?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/05/2015 23:33

it does sound crazy

you have him home from 6pm - why don't you arrange a few nights out with your friends if it is the socialising you miss?

TendonQueen · 06/05/2015 23:33

Ah, so it's not really about the gym. Life will change again in time. This is a very intense period with a baby and it's easy to feel you've lost yourself completely. Did you work before having your daughter and are you planning to go back?

Imscarlet · 06/05/2015 23:37

Why don't you both join your friend's gym? Let him go in the morning and you go in the evening.

somethingmorepositive · 06/05/2015 23:38

How old is your child now? Are you working? How are you feeling generally?

tethersend · 06/05/2015 23:40

Hey Presto!

Problem solved.

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.
Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 23:40

I've missed a few questions and I'll answer them now. Though I do feel a bit bad reading the reactions on here. I honestly didn't think what I feel is that bad.

I did work before but I scaled back my business to take care of our child and stay at home. I do try to work as much as possible - I operate an online boutique clothing store.

I'm active with other Mum's. I have two friends that I see regularly for a walk or coffee/lunch and I go to Mums and Bubs Yoga every Friday. But it's not the same as before. Everyone I associate with has a child and our days revolve around them but my BF can just go to work and not have to worry about any of that.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 23:42

OP you are being really irrational and controlling.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/05/2015 23:44

but he has to worry about his work!

dh and i went round in circles about this but we now accept that i have the primary responsibility for the kids (and associated stress etc) and he has the primary responsibility for financially supporting us (and associated stress etc). It's a decision we both made and we both accept and so we can't resent the other when they express their stresses

and you have your evenings to meet up with other non-baby friends too.

FireCanal · 06/05/2015 23:46

Assuming this is a reverse: 4 words ... Run for the hills.

In the unlikely event it's not a reverse, words fail me. Poor bloke Sad

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 23:47

Our child is 14 months old. I'm feeling pretty low at the moment. My health has not been the best since I feel pregnant. I had dangerously low Iron and had to have a transfusion 2 weeks before our daughters birth and now I suffer from an undiagnosed digestive problem that's like IBS.

My BF told me that he feels that he has to watch everything he says around me but I can say whatever I want. I told him that whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling to him he just talks over the top of me or pokes holes in what I'm saying or gets angry because he feels he's doing everything in his power to make things simple for me yet he thinks it goes unappreciated.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 23:49

If DH couldn't see some friends at a gym but I could, he would think that was nice.

OP you really don't sound reasonable, sorry.

Lweji · 06/05/2015 23:49

But what you said initially is nothing like what you are saying now.

Do you resent him going to that particular gym you can't go to or that he goes to any gym?
Or that you are not working anymore and if you worked you could go to that gym?

And what is stopping you from seeing that friend from time to time, meeting up every now and then? Do you think he socialises much at the gym?

MrsDeVere · 06/05/2015 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 06/05/2015 23:51

Well, if what you say is along what you have put in this thread, of course he pokes holes in it. And it does look like whatever he does goes unappreciated.

Sorry that you are having health problems, though. But if you need more support from him, do tell him, don't go on about gyms he can't go to because a friend owns them.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/05/2015 23:56

it sounds to me that you are taking your unhappiness out on him when he doesn't really deserve it.

I know that feeling of being trapped but you are the only one that can get yourself out of it.

Do you have any childcare during the week?

Pollyswall · 06/05/2015 23:56

You don't sound fulfilled by motherhood, perhaps you could get a normal job out of the home.

You are being unreasonable, and I think that deep down you know it.

somethingmorepositive · 06/05/2015 23:57

Does your digestive problem cause you pain? I assume you've been tested for celiac? You sound like you're struggling with your self-esteem, actually, and that maybe one way you're trying to deal with that is by being controlling of your BF.