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Original poster

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.

256 replies

Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 22:38

Hi. First time starting a topic here and I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

My BF is looking for a new gym to belong to as his current place has instigated some rules that make it impossible for him to train how he chooses to - he was an avid Crossfitter before we had our child but stopped due to us being on a single income and the time it involved.

He gets up at 4am every morning to train at a 24hr gym. It's about a 30min drive from where we live. He trains, showers and eats to be at work for 7am. He works from 7am to 5pm. Get home around 5:30pm to 6pm. Cooks dinner, bathes our child and puts her down at night as he is the best at settling her. He tried training at night but this upset me as I felt he was spending too much time away from us as it was.

Anyway, his current gym has changed the rules so he now can't train how he wants to and he has been looking at somewhere else to train that ticks all the boxes. He stumbled across one gym that could have potentially been suitable and spoke to me about it and I told him that that is where I wanted to train. The gym didn't have what he was looking for he said. The gym is owned by an old friend of mine and when he told me that he went in to have a look I was upset because that's where I wanted to train if I could.

Obviously being upset he asked me what a wrong and I told him. He said that he didn't think I was being serious when I told him that I didn't want him to train there and that he thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to train there just because I want to but can't. He does pay for my gym membership which is local to us, has a creche and very good facilities and if I want to go to the gym after he gets home from work he is fine with that.

I just wanted to know if my reaction was reasonable. He was so wound up last night half angry half sad - his words - that after he cooked dinner and put our toddler down he went straight to bed. I've never seen him like this and wanted to know if I was being completely out of line.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 06/05/2015 23:59

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. He's usually quite relaxed and calm but can get really annoyed or wound up quickly sometimes. I do try and talk to him about how I'm feeling but at times he just shuts me down by talking over the top or explaining what he sees as flaws or things that don't make sense.

OP posts:
cakedup · 06/05/2015 23:59

So you would prefer him to go to a gym where he doesn't have any friends? What difference does it make to you whether he speaks to your friends there or not? If you can't be there anyway? He is going to train, and they'll be busy running the gym anyway won't they?

I'm still not quite getting this.

AspieAndNT · 07/05/2015 00:01

I think you are very unreasonable. His life has changed in that he gets up at silly o'clock in order to have family time with you later. He also works and then comes home and cooks etc

When else is he meant to go if he is at work all day? If you resent him going to work then switch places and you go back full time and he stays at home. Not an option? Then (and I am going to sound harsh ) stop with your whingeing and be bloody grateful that he does consider you enough to get up early.

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 00:02

At the moment they still don't know what is wrong. I've had opinions ranging from gall stones to raised pancreas enzymes. I've been on the FODMAPs diet and that helped but I'll have occasional flares up for no reason. It shows up as bloating and cramps.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/05/2015 00:04

things that don't make sense.

Like you not wanting him to see your friend because you can't?

Why am I getting the feeling that you want to be right at all costs?

What do you want people to say?

PeppermintCrayon · 07/05/2015 00:05

"I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. He's usually quite relaxed and calm but can get really annoyed or wound up quickly sometimes. I do try and talk to him about how I'm feeling but at times he just shuts me down by talking over the top or explaining what he sees as flaws or things that don't make sense."

Are you sure you are describing him and not you?

SunshineAndShadows · 07/05/2015 00:07

OP apologies if this is sensitive but have you considered that you might be depressed?

You've had a big lifestyle change and a chronic illness. Your boyfriend has moved closer to your family, gets up early so he can take charge of parenting in the evening and takes responsibility for supporting you financially yet you insist his life 'hasn't changed' and you're resentful of him doing something that you won't do anyway?

Your reaction doesn't sound reasonable and if it's affecting you this severely I'd be wondering if there's an underlying reason why

somethingmorepositive · 07/05/2015 00:09

I'm just wondering about celiac because you said digestive stuff, plus the really low iron. It might be explained by something causing you to have problems absorbing your food and getting nutrition, which then affects your emotional state. Just one avenue to look at.

BettyCatKitten · 07/05/2015 00:10

I'm sorry, but you both sound very immature to me.
What sane person gets up at 4am to do crossfitter trainingConfused unless you are professional or competing for the Olympics ? Wtf is crossfitter?
Why don't you want him going to a gym your friend owns?
You must have realised having a child would have changed your life?
If you are unwell go to your gp.

Lweji · 07/05/2015 00:10

TBH, I am also getting the feeling that you are throwing the last comments so that people shout abuser.

I'm one of the vipers who usually picks up on those things and I'm not buying it. Not this time.

I'd be shouting at you if you kept insisting with me that I couldn't go to a gym close to where I work and allows me to train as I wanted, with no more demands of family time, just because you'd have liked to go to it but you can't.

If you resented him training for that long, when he now has a family, or he did feck all the entire weekend, that would be another thing.

Joysmum · 07/05/2015 00:11

You sound really unhappy and unfulfilled by your life.

Instead of taking this out on him, can't you improve your own life.

justonemoretime2p · 07/05/2015 00:13

Wow, are you looking for problems?

FatAli · 07/05/2015 00:13

Tell me it's not actually called Mums and Bubs yoga.

*misses point.

scallopsrgreat · 07/05/2015 00:16

OP How much free time per day do you and your DP get each to do what you want with e.g. Go to the gym?

pictish · 07/05/2015 00:18

I'm puzzling over this one too.
You have a supportive partner who understands compromise, family local to you, friends you see regularly, your own business...but yet he must forgo the gym that your friend owns because...what?
Why does it bother you that he might exchange pleasantries in passing with your friend? If he's training anyway it makes no odds whatever, beyond being vaguely nice.

With the best of intentions, I think you need to learn to adult a bit more.

pictish · 07/05/2015 00:22

I'm one of the vipers who usually picks up on those things and I'm not buying it. Not this time.
Same here and same here.

scallopsrgreat · 07/05/2015 00:30

Well she has said that her life has changed immeasurably and his hasn't at all. That doesn't suggest a fair division of labour or much compromising on his part or in fact taking responsibility for his own child (moving location excepted - which admittedly is pretty big although it doesn't seem to have put him out very much i.e. Was it that much of a compromise/goodwill gesture?).

OP, Can you go to your friends gym at the weekend?

mynewpassion · 07/05/2015 00:34

He is doing nothing wrong. You are taking it out on him your dissatisfaction. You have family near, use them to go to the gym. Your DP already offered to watch DC so you can go in the evening. He's a mug and you sound like nothing he does is good enough.

pictish · 07/05/2015 00:34

But on re-reading the OP I see that this gym isn't suitable for him anyway. He's not even going to use it.
So you're upset that he stumbled across a gym that your friend owns that he isn't going to go to. You must see how irrational that is.

Op if you are feeling low...and it does sound as though you are, you ought to think about confiding in someone. Your health visitor will be able to help you as will your GP. Even a heart to heart with a friend will get the ball rolling.

I think if I were your partner receiving grievances of this nature I'd be pretty short tempered and pissed off too.

mynewpassion · 07/05/2015 00:35

He comes straight home and cooks. Then bathes the baby and putsit to bed. He's doing his fair share.

Original poster
Mumtoonedarling · 07/05/2015 00:35

I don't really have free time. I'm up around 6 with our daughter. I feed her and try to go for a walk with a friend. Our daughter sleeps from 9ish until 10 or 11. I then either go out for something to eat with her at a Cafe or a Park and am home at 2ish so she can sleep from 3 until 4:30 or 5. When I'm home I try to do all the housework but sometimes I'm just too tired or in pain so it gets left. My BF comes home, spends some time with us then gets onto dinner for us, feeding and bathing our girl and putting her to bed. By then it's about 7:30 so we eat and watch TV or I do some work. I ask if he minds if I work while we time for just us and he says he doesn't but I think he does sometimes but doesn't want to rock the boat, so to speak. We're in bed by about 9 as his alarm goes off at 4am though he doesn't always go to the gym as he says he's too tired.

We talk twice a day at least. Once at 9am and then again at 3pm. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't want to talk so I cut it short and he usually rings when he's on his way home asking if I need something that he can pick up.

OP posts:
Flipflopskid · 07/05/2015 00:41

All three of you join.
Time together/ time to train/ preferred location/marriage saved.
Win:win.
It's all about finding mutual solutions.

BF looking for gym and it really upset me.
Lweji · 07/05/2015 00:43

Not saying he's the perfect partner or dad, but, based on what the OP said, he deals with the baby in the evening and cooks, she can go to the gym in the evening or by leaving the baby at the local gym's creche, she is close to family and moved to do so, whereas he has to commute for longer, he stopped training due to costs and because the OP asked, for a while.
Other people visit friends with children in tow.

pictish · 07/05/2015 00:50

No I'm not going pin a No1 Sterling Chap rosette on him either. I just wouldn't entertain this particular grievance from my partner myself. I couldn't suck this one up. There would be words. Strong ones.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 07/05/2015 00:52

I honestly don't get your problem and will ignore the throwing in of him getting wound up because I agree with the others who have commented on it.

He does sound underappreciated.

He moved to be near your family,presumably that wasn't for his sake!

He wants to go to a gym that caters to his training and is near work. You don't want him to go because it's your friends gym? He's going there to train not chat with your mate!

He gets up at 4, trains,showers,eats and goes to work, comes home,spends time with you and the baby, cooks dinner and puts baby to be. Sounds like a good bloke to me!

You also go to the gym in the evening at times but won't allow him to because it means you don't get time together?

Seriously, you need to chill. You are being unreasonable