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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married coworker crush help!

207 replies

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 10:13

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

OP posts:
CvanA · 06/05/2015 18:15

I am the wife in a very similar situation to your current predicament. My DP did exactly what your co-worker is doing to you. He flirted with and had inappropriate conversations with a co-worker. When he changed departments he stopped contact with her and moved on to having an emotional affair with another co-worker. When I found out, it ripped my marriage apart.
Whilst you are not responsible for his marriage, you are responsible for your own relationship and your own moral conduct. Think about how this could impact on your partner when he discovers the extent of your 'friendship' or how you would feel if your partner behaved like this with a co-worker.
Lots of people will tell you its harmless flirtation and sometimes it can be but giving it so much headspace outside of work sounds like its gone past that.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/05/2015 18:36

He is using you for entertainment. He is the star on stage, you are the target, and the rest of the office is the audience.
Sorry.

FeijoaSundae · 06/05/2015 23:59

You need to 'refocus your lens' and see this man as he actually is, and not the way you've built him up in your mind.

Your interest was piqued apparently, because he 'stared at you a lot', got 'physically close to you', and gets you locked in long conversations (where your co-workers have actually had to come looking for you. This is not good).

Do you genuinely think this is appropriate behaviour from a married person, in a professional setting? Genuinely?

Re-read your OP and try to imagine you're reading a description of someone you've never met.

It's impossible to read it cold, without coming to the conclusion that the man described is not a decent man, kind and the sort of person who behaves in an honourable way to his partner.

If you ended up with this man, would you like it if he behaved like this with furore co-workers?

53Dragon · 07/05/2015 00:13

OP I'll tell you how you know whether you've crossed the line... you think about how happy your partner would be if he read this thread. If you wouldn't want him to see it then you know that your behaviour is already unacceptable.

Leo36 · 07/04/2018 21:04

You need to move on and run away from that situation ... not worth your time or energy - it’s an emotional trap

expatmatt78 · 08/04/2018 06:27

OP seriously be honest with yourself your OP was pretty giddy and we're not really talking just a bit of harmless flirty banter which I think goes on a lot. You're already in "special friend" territory only a few months into your new job. You ask if others have noticed and I guarantee they have and are gossiping about it. If you're serious about your career and making a go of it with colleagues then you need to seriously think about how you are currently presenting yourself with all the blushing and eye locking (how do you find time to work I wonder with all this mills and boon going on all day)

If you're honest you WANT it to go somewhere. You're unhappy in your relationship so vulnerable and PRIME for this kind of thing. He's obviously clocked that .
As PP have said it's a step by step process. I think you'll allow yourself to go on with this but I hope not

This MM has done enough to make me think it in the first place and enough to catch my attention even when he is the opposite to my kind of guy looks wise I wouldn't look twice in any other situation, I'm not being funny here but he did catch my attention from all the staring and getting close in the first place I normally wouldn't have bothered but his actions at the beginning made me see him in a different light
Honestly for many people starting a new job if a MM was being like this it wouldn't be cause for excitement it would be seriously disturbing and possibly and HR issue

expatmatt78 · 08/04/2018 06:40

Oops did not realize how old this was !

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