Married coworker crush help!

[Goingcrazy20]

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

cross-posted with you, OP. I think you've tempered your last post in view of the responses to your very giddy and silly first one.

Yes, look for another job.

There's no confusion here, you're not confused, you fancy him and if he gave you the slightest encouragement you would reciprocate. It's there in your first post. Nothing can develop without your consent so stop putting the ball in his court - it's your restraint that matters.

You don't need to be 'off' with anybody. Take your cue from how you deal with other people in the office - how do you treat your female colleagues? That is how you need to treat him - and everybody else in your workplace.

Don't chuck away your chance of making a success of your job; that is what you are hurtling towards and it's so very silly. I'm not making you responsible for his family, he is responsible for them, but there's no need for you to be willing to be complicit in his obnoxious behaviour.

You need to work on your self esteem and find out why you think you deserve a married sleaze ball. Is this what you deserve? How would you feel if your Dh was going to work and hitting on other women? Open your eyes and see how foolish you are acting!

I am probably romanticing because I do like him, this doesn't mean I would act on it though, I'm posting because I don't know how I can stop myself feeling this way when I have to see him everyday, and if it's even crossing a line.

I'm posting for help on making these feelings stop not to bag a married man!

Try again..

Read your posts back to yourself, you are 27 woman, not 14.

He is an arsehole if he is flirting with you or showing any signs of interest in anyone 'romantically' other than his WIFE.

And telling you what chat up lines he uses? Purlease

Stop thinking about him in any other way than a colleague, a colleague who will cheat on his wife at the drop of a hat, you don't want to be that person.

"I am not and will not act on this"

Nearly everyone about to embark on an affair tells themselves this.

"I'm trying to stop myself feeling like this for him. I'm trying to be a decent woman and do what's right, not the other way around. "

On Star Wars Day, I'm going to quote Yoda on this one: "Do or not do. There is no 'try'"

Unless you have a private income, start job hunting. You're clearly going to love every bit of the drama as you follow The Script to the letter. At least if you job hunt now, you may have secured your next post before your reputation in this sector is beyond salvage.

He sounds like a classic narcissist, they thrive on the attention and will do anything to keep you 'interested.' I've been out with a few, trust me. I bet you'd find there are a few women in your office that feel like this about him. They are very charming.

Can you fill up your time in your RL? You said yourself that you're not going there with a MM and nor should you, I agree. There will be someone lovely for you out there, if you want to be dating join an online site and find someone worthy of all this praise. Get out and about with friends, give yourself something to look forward to at the weekends.

A crush at work is very pleasant in helping pass the time and the mundane fact we spent so much time there but he's at it and doesn't deserve your attention. Head down and work away would be my suggestion.

You haven't had any 'not nice' comments, OP. You're getting comments from posters who are doing their best to stop you from making an enormous misjudgement and bringing all kinds of shit upon your head.

You're trying to read things into this man's did/didn't do's that you just have no knowledge of. Mentioning you to his wife? Perhaps he doesn't think of any work colleagues when he's at home. Is it worse for you to think that perhaps you just don't really register?

Everybody here is rooting for you to take a giant step back from this because it's heading in a direction that is going to hurt you and others.
What's 'not nice' about that?

I hate Star Wars but I do love that Yoda quote, Trojan... "Do or not do do, there is no 'try'" Genius.

OP... a 'crush' isn't terminal and you can cope with it being an adult woman and not a girl. You might not be able to help the feelings but you can not act on them and you can subdue them in front of your colleagues - and this man. If you're genuine in your statement that you will not do this then you will not, in word or deed, do anything that would feed these feelings and make it harder to resist this man. He isn't available. You need to concentrate on your job. Rinse and repeat.

If you wouldn't 'go there' because he's married then why do you sound overly bothered about the rest of it?

It could be he is just a flirty person but won't cross the line.
It sounds more likely that he wants a bit on the side or a fuck buddy and see's you filling that vacancy.

Maintain your self respect and nip this in the bud, no good will come of it.

... and if it's been that difficult to get a job that you've longed for in your sector, how easy will it be to get another one? Would it be a job of the same calibre? If not, how will you feel to have given up your hard won job for a lesser one for this?

OP if all a man needs to do to come across as "very sweet and a true gentleman" is hold the door open for you, I think you may have your bar set a bit low. That's just common courtesy - honestly.

I'm guessing you are single as you don't mention a partner, so to get your mind off this man and reset your interactions to purely professional, I'd recommend getting out there on some dates. Or join a club or meet up group, or go out with your friends more often - just get the focus off this man, because I'm getting the impression that he's front and centre in your thoughts more or less 24/7.

That's what I'm worried about, that I end up in a messy horrible situation, I've never been in this position before to know what normal conduct is, yeah I have worked in other places but never had to work closely with a married man who I find attractive.

So maybe I am coming across as deluded or young or stupid but I needed to post this so I could get an idea of what to do, and how to act.

Currently I'm not actually doing anything to encourage him I don't personally think! I try and keep it professional I don't know if he knows or has guessed of my feelings for him because as I say I am off with him, I don't want him to know I'm crushing on him but yet I blush when he gets too close.

In a month or so you'll be over IT, like most crushes, they don't last very long and you'll think back to this and realise it was just a crush. You need to not respond to his flirting, if anything because he is married, and if he's being like this with you while married you really need to think about the kind of man he really is... Realky think About it.... He doesn't seem so gentlemanly and nice does he?

You sound obsessed and why are some posters saying negative things about this man? for all you know, he may have a different side to the story.

"There's this girl at work who obviously has a crush on me. I am flattered but I would never go there."

OP sounds bunny boiler material.

"What I didn't mention is I probably give mixed signals to him too"

"Currently I'm not actually doing anything to encourage him"

Bit of a conradiction there.

Just stop flirting with a married man. Unless you want to. In which case, at least be honest with yourself.

Pocket saviour no of course it isn't all it takes its just one of the things I mentioned and yes I do have a partner we have been having a rough time lately and this co worker has been there for me and worried about me I think that's why I might feel the way I do, but my partner is another massive reason why I wouldn't want to go there or feel like this I don't want to feel this way!

I didn't mention my partner before because it will just cause posters to feel more annoyance towards me and my post. If I could stop this feeling right now I would.

we have been having a rough time lately

Maybe that's why you're feeling like this? The grass is always greener and all that.
Maybe talk to your partner and try sort things out with him.

"If I could stop this feeling right now I would"

Only you can stop it.

If you 'can't', and are just going to repeat the pre-affair script, then I repeat my earlier advice: start job hunting. Also, if you cohabit with your partner, you'd better start working out how you can afford a place on your own.

Rebecca, I don't see how I am bunny boiler material when I don't even initiate any of the physical contact, flirting, etc I don't even make eye contact with him. I've given my reasons for posting this and I am trying to do the right thing so I don't see how you can call me that. And to be honest with you if it was all innocent on his side I would understand but it really isn't.

You can though look at how you are with other people in your office. You don't gush or simper all over them do you? Texting them, commenting on their hair, locking eyes with them? I'm guessing that you don't do this with them. You ARE acting differently with this man and you need to stop doing it. It doesn't matter what he does, he can't progress this without you and you say you don't want to. He needs to know that.

You DO know how to act with people in your office. Yes, it's more difficult when this is somebody you fancy but your professionalism should help there. You can keep feelings inside at work.

I think if you were honest with yourself, the things I've mentioned that you do (because you say you've done them) are things that encourage him however much you say that they don't. You actually wouldn't do them if they didn't encourage him because a) you fancy him and b) they'd be wasted on somebody you didn't. You don't do these things with your other colleagues...

Being 'off' is presenting a challenge and you know that, don't you? Please don't start posting as if you're completely naïve.

Blush all you like, head down and get on with your work. I've had crushes on unavailable men myself and, if you don't want to make a complete fool of yourself, you act it out, benchmark your behaviour against what you do with other colleagues as a reality check - and the crush eventually goes away.

I don't want to be harsh with you, you're not the first, I wouldn't want to have a crush, they can be so distracting and painful if you don't nip them in the bud with a dose of reality but if your first post is any kind of indication of your maturity (regardless of your age), you're setting yourself up to fail. I don't want that, not for you, not for any woman. We have enough challenges in the workplace as it is, so I'm saying it firmly but kindly, stop it.

Tbh I think you absolutly would go for it if the chance came.

Your an adult . You control your life.

Meditrina - the flirting is fun but along with the other things I mentioned I am worried I am crossing a line. Where is the 'line' with a MM?

I am currently sorting things out with my partner but it's not an easy fix and is taking us a while to get back on track, I thought maybe that's why I felt this way too, but believe me I know the grass isn't greener.

Good god women, he's clearly a total player! Don't be an idiot and fall for the office sleaze, it won't end well for you.

I think you're finding things that aren't there, and overanalysing every glance because you're unhappy in your current relationship. Your self esteem is very low and you sound lonely. You've created a scenario which might not actually exist, and all this is is a man who knows you fancy him and is playing up to it.
You need some help in getting to the root cause of this, because this chap is just a symptom of your unhappiness and a diversion from facing up to why you're so fed up.

You've posted more while I was typing... why are you confiding in this man about your partner? Not only is that unprofessional, it's disrespectful to your partner. No wonder this man is sniffing around you.

Believe your own skewed responses if you want to, you are encouraging this man and to him, you're available.

You aren't being honest. Your prerogative but what's the point of posting what you think will get you the responses you want? They won't be true and they won't be helpful - and they won't be what you want.