Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married coworker crush help!

207 replies

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 10:13

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 14:34
  1. He is a sleaze because he's overstepping boundaries and he's married. If you don't stop egging him on then you too are a sleaze because you know he's married.
  1. It is all in your head because if it wasn't, you wouldn't need to ask. You are presenting things here that wouldn't register with other people that seem to resonate so loudly for you. You're doing that because you want them to be true because you fancy him.
  1. He might well be joking around but he's testing the water. You aren't special to him, he's showing you zero respect it's just that you don't recognise that. It doesn't sound 'weird', it sounds desperate - on your side - he can take it or leave it and, when all of this goes horribly wrong, you'll be on your own. The gentlemanly man that you perceive will let you carry the can and drop you in it to save himself.
  1. You say he makes you feel special. That's very sad. Talk to your partner about what's missing because this man isn't it.
  1. You're seriously jeopardising your job, people know about your flirtation and you have NO idea of what he's saying to colleagues behind your back since he's conducting the flirtation openly. You'd probably be horrified if you knew but count on it that your 'stock' has fallen because of it. Colleagues do not like this kind of thing, they really don't.
  1. Whatever you've built this up as in your head you probably don't register in his thoughts outside of work. To you he is gentlemanly and wonderful - to him, you're 'available'.

Obviously I don't know what goes on in his head but I very much doubt that he's pouring out his feelings for you on a chatboard somewhere.

AuntyMag10 · 04/05/2015 14:40

Get some self respect, and stop behaving so pathetically. You can only control your own actions. Actually read a few threads on here about people who's partners have had affairs and broke up families. It will clear up 'confusions' you might have Hmm

ToYouToMe · 04/05/2015 14:41

Most of the posters on this thread sound like they're dead from the neck down. Do you never feel a spark when you meet someone at work and swap a smile, share a look, engage in some banter or make a teasing comment?

I've worked in many offices and it's all part of the fun - loads of people do it, married or not. It doesn't have to mean you're a sleaze, that you don't love your husband or wife, or want to have an affair.

Lighten up! It's a just a bit of fun for the love of God.

Headdesk · 04/05/2015 14:42

he's not a sleaze

Yes he is, he's married and openly flirtin with another woman, other people in your office will have noticed and tbh if it carries on you will be the one to come out of this worse.

Headdesk · 04/05/2015 14:43

toyoutome doesn't sound like much fun for the op

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 14:46

ToYouToMe - not dead from the waist down. Just have morals and even if someone does flirt I suspect both parties know it is innocent and aren't having angst about it. I don't flirt as I'm married and wouldn't even register to do so tbh. I'd feel uncomfortable if anyone did with me too.

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 14:46

It makes me worried to think other people in the office may have noticed and I don't like thinking they know my feelings or are talking about it. I really really don't want that.

OP posts:
Headdesk · 04/05/2015 14:48

They will have, you might think you're being subtle but it's amazing how outside people pick up on things. (Speaking from experience, a lot of my colleagues knew two others were together a long time before they told anyone)

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 04/05/2015 14:52

I think you should totally go to bed with him OP. It'll be super hot and they'll be no fallout.

Is that the kind of answer you're after?

somethingmorepositive · 04/05/2015 14:54

My goodness. He is married and he is predatory and horrible. His behavior is not gentlemanly at all. I see nothing to like at all here. Implying that he had spent time with you and telling people he is going to take you out for a drink? He is also going to ruin your professional reputation if he keeps this up, so he has no regard for you. He doesn't ask you about yourself, just goes on about himself, so he enjoys having an audience. He is encouraging your crush to big himself up.

YY to everyone saying you need to work on your self-esteem and get another job away from this office lothario.

Stitchintime1 · 04/05/2015 14:56

He's a creep. Talking about you behind your back - what's that all about? He sounds pathetic. Leave him be.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 04/05/2015 15:03

Don't give him the satisfaction anymore. I've seen senior people in my workplace act just like this man while their poor wife is sat at home none the wiser. My DP is in a managerial role and certainly doesn't come home telling me about the new starters and if he does mention anyone it's to have a whinge. Your colleague knows his role won't be affected but yours possibly could

Duckdeamon · 04/05/2015 15:15

Loads of people fancy people at work or elsewhere, but don't get off with them because it wouldn't be a good thing to do. the object of your lust is married (and therefore a tosser if he cheats) and if that's not enough it would negatively affect your reputation at work, and might have already.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 04/05/2015 15:15

"Lighten up! It's a just a bit of fun for the love of God."

It's not fun for the partners involved especially if it ends in an affair though, the poster clearly has feelings for him which isn't just a bit of fun, someone will end up hurt.

somethingmorepositive · 04/05/2015 15:16

You seem very naive about men if you think that they can't put on an act of being shy and blushing if they think that will get them into your pants. Also, many women are only too willing to believe that other women are manipulative gossips, while men are somehow sweet and above all that. This is very untrue. All the worst office gossips I've ever met have been men and they have been unrestrained about passing along or even completely inventing stories about how every young and attractive woman was sleeping with X, Y, and Z. You need to be much more guarded.

Duckdeamon · 04/05/2015 15:20

You definitely need to grow up if you are not certain you can have an inappropriate crush/flirtation without acting on it - "I will try" is just so weedy!

He is not "there for you" or a friend. By speaking to you or listening to your conversations about your relationship and seeking to comfort or talk to you about this he is overstepping boundaries in marriage and work and behaving like a tosser even if nothing further happens.

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 15:21

I'm currently going through the fall out of a situation like you've described ...my H has left me for a girl he works with who he's been having sex with at the office but he has feelings for her so apparently that makes it ok

Step away now ... depending how you look at it OW is now lucky as my H has left me for her. Reading your posts I think you are hoping for an outcome like that but honestly from other MN experience the husband rarely leaves for the OW but even if they do you have the fall out of everyone knowing you had an affair, the risk to your job and reputation. At best you have a new BF who you'll never trust at worst you'll lose your job, friends and possibly a lot more.

Also spare a though for his wife ... Me and H were happy we never argued we'd even had a fabulous holiday with our twins over Easter and talked about another baby. I had no idea he was falling for OW or even thought we were "rocky" his justification now ... Your Man will be telling you lies and bullshit to get you into bed.

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 15:32

I doubt his wife would think it was a "bit of fun." Hmm. The OP isn't the only poster who needs to grow up.

Bakeoffcake · 04/05/2015 15:33

He sounds a complete twat. He isn't "gentlemanly" because gentlemen do not flirt with anyone other than their wives.

You need to really listen to the advice you've had on here or you'll end up in an extremely messy, horrible situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 15:41

Men and women at work do flirt; I think it's completely unreasonable to expect that they don't - sensible and self-aware ones just don't progress it into anything other than flirting.

As for flirting with their own wives and husbands well, if they did, this board would be quite empty. Real life gets in the way of marital flirting in lots of cases and there's no point pretending otherwise.

There's no point berating and urging the OP to think of the wife or the children because, in spite of being complicit should an affair develop, these are NOT her responsibility and she isn't going to see that she has responsibility. Drawing attention to her own loss if this progresses, just might.

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 15:42

I don't want him as partner or boyfriend, I don't want him to leave his wife either, I'm just very attracted to him and end up fantasising over him but I'm not acting them out or telling him about them. My point is for me the feelings are very much sex related anyway so no I don't want him to leave his wife and confess his undying love for me.

Dcmdeamon it's just a figure of speech what do you want me to say I will definitely one million per cent do as I am told by conflicting posters on this thread. Yes I will try to push this crush behind me. There's nothing wrong with trying to do something you are already unsure of.

OP posts:
Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 15:44

It won't end up in a full blown affair because as many of you have already pointed out its all innocent and all in my head and he's not actually doing anything untoward

OP posts:
iwashappy · 04/05/2015 15:47

Justuse yes "bit of fun" was my ex-DH's version of what he got up to behind my back with multiple women. "Ripping my guts out" would have been one of my versions of it.

OP this will not end happily. You have crossed so many lines already, please don't cross anymore. If you don't do it for his wife's sake or for your DP's then do it for yours.

As for him not being sleazy, sorry but he is. I thought exactly the same about my ex-DH, decent, lovely man. Sorry but decent, lovely men do not behave as this man is doing regardless of when whether he gets his leg over with you.

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 15:53

Would you act on it of he showed interest?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 04/05/2015 15:53

See you in 6-18 months OP.

You've clearly made your mind up to fuck him.