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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married coworker crush help!

207 replies

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 10:13

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

OP posts:
somethingmorepositive · 04/05/2015 18:11

OP if you are "still confused as some of u say it's crossed a line and some of u say it's all in my head" then it's because you want to be confused. Your original post reads as, "OMG there's this guy? And I'm totally into him and I can't tell if he's into me!" Dozens of different people have answered you and the consensus is: Yes, something is going on. No, you're imagining this. Yes, you are interpreting his "interest" in a way that is completely unrealistic. No, this is not a positive development for you or your career. Yes, if you take this any further there could be serious consequences for you and for this man's wife and family. You sound a very young and self-absorbed 27 and it is a shame you are not taking this on board.

FantasticButtocks · 04/05/2015 18:17

But tbh I'm still confused as some of u say it's crossed a line and some of u say it's all in my head. If I wasn't clear in my last post to you, the gist of it was - It is up to YOU where the line is Hope that helps.

MilesHuntsWig · 04/05/2015 18:20

OP, put it behind you. Be friendly but nothing else or you will jeopardise your job and your own self esteem further.

Your co-workers will have noticed, don't think otherwise (extent may be in your head I've no idea, but IME a good bit of gossip in a workplace was rarely stopped by anything as useful as the truth...).

Sort out the situation with your partner separately to anything else. If you think it's worth fixing do it, otherwise call it a day, don't confuse things with the first (over)friendly bloke at work.

Abc you either didn't read Ophelia's post or as a pp has pointed out, just didn't understand it, and it's pretty hateful that you decided to go on her thread and attempt (very unsuccessfully) to derail it.

meddie · 04/05/2015 18:34

You say you dont want an affair /relationship with this man, then what is the point of analysing his every gesture and utterance, unless you are looking for your crush to reciprocate?

If you are serious about not jeopardising your or this guys relationship then you will cool off pronto. Keep all interactions to strictly work based ones and stop with the flirty texts etc, or before long you will find you or him has engineered some way to be alone and whoops you end up kissing/going further and you 'just couldnt help yourself' or you got carried away 'in the moment' its just so predictable.

You are deluding yourself if you think your colleagues arent already aware of any sexual tension between you. I have never seen a workplace affair that people werent aware of. Most people are very good at picking up the cues.

At the very least you will be the office hot topic, at the worst you could destroy your career and someones marriage, with the fallout for the children that comes with that.

Cherryapple1 · 04/05/2015 18:45

Agreed - if you weren't interested in him you wouldn't care what his motives were or what he was thinking.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/05/2015 18:49

He's a married man. what advice could you possibly need? Confused
Maybe grow up, get on with your work and go home?

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 19:06

Silver birch I too highly doubt that we are eachothers love of our lives, but I do find interesting your comment of 'projecting our needs into eachother' I have never thought about it that way

OP posts:
Tequilashotsfor1 · 04/05/2015 19:11

I don't think it matters if some posters are saying it's all in your head or if some are saying you have crossed a line.

He is married. You can't have him. It really is that simple.

Stop fantasising about is he/ isn't he ?

How would your partner feel it he read this thread? If you don't want to be with your partner be kind and let him go and work on your own self esteem. How would you feel if your partner was lusting after someone else at work? What are you doing op?

Wake up. Figure out if you want your current partner but what ever you do stop having silly fantasises about a bloody married man.

BifsWif · 04/05/2015 19:15

Oh fuck off ABC.

OP - say you had sex with him. Would you be able to look at yourself in the mirror the next day? Imagine how you'd feel having to walk into work day in, day out with everyone knowing you'd shagged a married man. Imagine him blanking you afterwards, because you were just a shag and not worth losing his family over. Imagine everyone gossiping about you, and wanting to distance themselves from you because they all secretly think you're a bit of a slapper. Is it still so appealing and exciting?

TrojanWhore · 04/05/2015 19:18

" but I do find interesting your comment of 'projecting our needs into eachother' "

Of course you do. It's about the only comment that validates the idea that you and he are counterparts.

All through this thread you're using the trite phrases of people considering an affair. Including the 'I'll never do it' which is a classic stock phrase.

So just admit it to yourself. You're never going to listen to the advice of the "millions" because you've not 'lived' this yourself. You're hellbent on doing it. So own your choice.

And, chin up. You can stop posting here now. You'll be seeing him tomorrow.

ToYouToMe · 04/05/2015 19:23

It's not only the OP that's over-invested in this!

You don't even know the guy (she does BTW) and you're calling him a sleaze. You're predicting all kinds of catastrophic futures on the flimsiest of information. And getting unreasonably aggressive towards the OP along the way.

Ladies, please, a little compassion and understanding for human frailty!

Rebelwithacause · 04/05/2015 19:23

You've spent your bank holiday (10-6pm so far) on here obsessing over a married man you work with. What a waste of a day.

SouthWestmom · 04/05/2015 19:25

Fgs start protecting yourself and your job from tomorrow.
You are in a new position (six month probation?) and you are concentrating on this wanker and not your job.
Be fucking furious with him for distracting you and making you look like an idiot. Colleagues coming to find you? Him asking about you out of work time? Him comforting you?
You will have made an impression on the team - not the one you should be making and he is ruining your chances of bonding with them all, finding someone to lunch with every so often, make a cup of tea with.

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 19:32

It isn't human frailty that makes you shag a married man. It's entitlement. It's lack of morals.

JamSarnies · 04/05/2015 19:32

My opinion: He is playing you, and he is indulging himself. He is getting a kick out of confusing you and feeding his ego plus some drama to validate his probably very humdrum existence. Please avoid at all costs.

Angleshades · 04/05/2015 19:34

Op I think you really need to try and focus on your job and try and stop being blindsided by this crush. You say you need this job badly so concentrate on it and put your work first. You need to avoid this MM at all costs. A relationship of any kind with him can only end one way and that's badly. Even if you do end up with him, someone is going to get seriously hurt somewhere along the way. Your new relationship wouldn't feel like fun then.

How long have you been working there? Do you really know this man at all? Say you had sex with him, how can you be sure he hasn't done this previously with other co workers and then bragged about it to other male colleagues? Do you really want the details of your date/shag being shared with other co-workers? I'm not saying this is definitely what would happen but it is a possibility. How would this make you feel going to work everyday? Would you still enjoy your job? You could be just another notch on his bedpost.

Stuff like this goes on in my workplace and trust me, everyone gets to find out about it. It is totally shameful for the people involved especially when they already have spouses. They never live it down and it gets brought up in conversation every so often, even years later.

fackinell · 04/05/2015 19:41

Ok, here's what I would do. I would understand that this man, no matter how charming he seems is a narcissistic twunt!! He is playing with you at best and making you look like a love struck fool. He's not he one, my dear. I know the sort. I dint mean that to sound patronising but I've had my fill of those types and they all work in the same way.

Don't catch his eye, don't look up when he enters the room and ignore if you hear your name unless he's directly talking to you (being polite but formal.) I can guarantee he will move on to someone else within a week of getting no response from you and then you'll see him for what he really is.

People like that feed on being adored. I'm sure you'd be devastated if this was how your DP acted at work. You have someone who loves you at home from what I can gather from PP. try and focus on getting that spark in your home life. The grass is never greener.

Claralikessage · 04/05/2015 19:43

Seriously OP, I think you have low self esteem. When I was a lass if a MM showed an interest in me I laughed and thought he was a sleeze, player or just pathetic. A figure of fun, really. And I would have a good old laugh with my mates about him. Grow up. He probably hits on all the new women just to prove to himself that he is still attractive and you are silly enough to be taken in by it.
Get a hobby. Get a life outside work and get some self respect!

hidingfromthem · 04/05/2015 19:47

ah yes - the old newbie falls for the office sleaze scenario.
[gets popcorn]
do not act on this horseshit, otherwise you will be royally burned and you'll also get a name for yourself at work.
steer clear.

Notatallsleepy · 04/05/2015 20:06

If you're serious about not getting involved then you need to make it clear. The flirting needs to stop, the eye contact, the standing too close etc. it needs to stop and you need to be the one to stop it.

Next time he makes a personal comment you need to politely tell him that it is not appropriate and you do not appreciate his comments. If he does it again go to your manager.

Either you're serious about nothing happening or you're not. If you're not prepared to do the above then I strongly suspect that you are getting quite a thrill out of this attention and that if you let it continue you will end up involved.

Nothing good can come of letting this continue.

Stitchintime1 · 04/05/2015 20:26

A poor friend of mine fell for this. Turned out he went out with all the student teachers in the school. They were ideal for him. 13 weeks and then they left for their next school. onto the next school. Two a year.

And once she had been burned, everyone told her he always did it. Why not before? Some men should come with warnings.

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 20:44

I can't win! Now I 'want' to be confused and I'm self obsessed and I'm taking nothing you have all said on board?
Are you kidding me somethingmorepositive. I'm here reading and taking all on board and replying and agreeing. What more else can I do?

OP posts:
BifsWif · 04/05/2015 20:45

To be fair Op, you are taking all comments really well

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 20:49

I feel like I'm being attacked here no matter what comment I make. If I agree im told I'm not taking it seriously, I can't say anything here without being wrong, I said someone's comment was interesting now I'm being accused of only finding it interesting because it fuels my crush or whatever.

I can't like or dislike a comment because whatever I say someone has a comment to tell me I'm only thinking doing or saying it for whatever reason. I came here for help not to be attacked and pulled apart.

We have established its all in my head and anything else I do now will make it worse and I need to be purely professional and I have agreed with that. I mean one poster had a go at me for saying 'I'll try' I literally cannot win.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 20:50

OP... enough. You're being a bit disingenuous now.

Listen... what is your gut really telling you? Is it telling you that this is a good idea, that you should carry on flirting and let the cards fall where they may?

If you were taking it all on board and actually thinking about it, you wouldn't have posted your last post, it's very silly.

Question... Now that you've had advice for some twelve hours... what are you going to do?