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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married coworker crush help!

207 replies

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 10:13

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

OP posts:
Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 11:50

Maybe your right, maybe I am seeing things that really aren't there

OP posts:
oute · 04/05/2015 11:51

Grow up and get a life, he is married so you shouldn't even be thinking these things. Have some self respect. Get another job.

Unescorted · 04/05/2015 11:52

I am on the recieving end of a fixated co-worker. It isn't pleasant. I have to constantly worry about how any remark or courtesy is taken. I have to strategically make sure that I am not the first into meetings, check the way I dress if I know he is in the office. Put up with comments from other people in the office or decide if an innocent query about his whereabouts from some one else is that or a bit of muck raking.

If you have a crush on him - grow up. If he has a crush on you nip it in the bud and don't let it go further. Unfortunately in my case the more I withdraw the more he sees it as evidence that I am fighting my feelings for him. It is an unplesant situation to be in.

AuntieStella · 04/05/2015 11:54

You crossed a major line when you started confiding about your partner in a man you flirt with.

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 11:55

Lyingwitchinwardrobe I am trying to be as honest as I can, I haven't confided in him but he knows we are having problems because he's tried to speak to me about it when he knows I'm upset he's there for me, but I don't go to him to talk about things because to be honest I don't want to.

I call my partner in front of him and I mention my partner in front of him and to him. He then does the same with his wife. If I call my partner he will wait until my call has finished and call his wife.

OP posts:
Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 11:57

You say grow up but every one gets crushes, I can't help it, but I can try and stop it

OP posts:
AccidentalAnarchist · 04/05/2015 12:02

OP I don't think you're being childish or romanticising. I've a very similar experience and I know I'm being played/manipulated but don't seem able to mentally detach even if I physically ignore IYSWIM.
I've no great advice apart from I'm trying to live in and appreciate my real world and real life, and focus my energy there. It does help, a bit
Flowers

BareGorillas · 04/05/2015 12:02

If I call my partner he will wait until my call has finished and call his wife

That's just weird Confused

DollopTheTrollop · 04/05/2015 12:06

I think you should google Limerence.

notthestereotype · 04/05/2015 12:24

Another one who couldn't be bothered to finish reading your OP. You really do sound incredibly immature and naive. You're over thinking/analysing this 'situation'. He's just a married man who's probably a bit bored and gets his egomassaged by flirting with other women. Chances are you're not the only one. It's such a non issue

fackinell · 04/05/2015 12:25

Bunny boiler? Confused Harsh!! And not at all sisterly.

It's not wrong to have a crush on someone, it is wrong to act on it if either party is involved with another person. OP knows this.

I've been there, it is all consuming but it passes. I hope you can move on from this soon, OP.

iwashappy · 04/05/2015 12:26

I think you are telling yourself that you wouldn't have an affair with him because you know it's wrong but I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

So much of your OP comes over as a "does he fancy me" post. There is nothing in your post that comes over as "flirting with a MM has got out of hand, how can I avoid getting into anything while keeping my job."

Your last paragraph in your OP stated "I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move." If you are honest with yourself you would not post that if you would turn down any move he might make.

He is a player, he tells you about chat up lines he has yuk Even if he did make a move on you, he is just after a fling, a bit of sleazy sex behind his poor wife's back. He is not going to sweep you off your feet out of your current relationship.

Unless you distance yourself from him you are going to end up dropping your knickers for him. You will gradually end up pushing the boundaries back a little further, work late, a drink after work, him telling you how much he would like to see you if he wasn't married, maybe one little kiss wouldn't hurt. One little step each time that doesn't seem any more harmless than the previous step.

You have already crossed the line. You have both already behaved in a way that would upset his wife and your DP.

Every time you talk about him, flirt with him, text him, post on here about him you are fuelling your crush.

You would clearly not be his first fling, I feel sorry for his wife.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/05/2015 12:27

OP, this man is not nice, he is not gentlemanly, he does not care about your feelings.

He is a barracuda, circling a vulnerable woman, waiting to strike. Stop lying to yourself. Start behaving professionally. Keep conversations short and work focussed. You're flirting with the Office Sleaze, stop it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 12:32

OP, you know that you fancy this man so, even without the professional aspect, why are you discussing your problems with him?

The phone call 'tennis' is just weird. Why make something of it, each of you? You're both behaving in such an unprofessional way. Keep your problems out of work, take a personal day if you need to and sort them out, keep your own counsel and stop talking to this man about anything that isn't work related.

That will help you with your crush, I promise you.

WeeMadArthur · 04/05/2015 12:44

OP if he was your husband would you be happy with the way he has been acting? He isn't a true gentleman, he is an arsehole getting easy thrills unfortunately for you. You need to disengage.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 04/05/2015 12:55

Your both in relationships!!!! Doesn't matter how he feels about you, you are both involved with other people!

Do your job and act with him like you would any other co worker, your posts do come across very "does he fancy me" you are picking up every little detail/thing he does which to perhaps a normal eye (for example eye contact, I make eye contact with colleagues and hold open doors - I don't fancy them) wouldn't be noticed but because you fancy him you are collecting these things and trying to build a case in your favour!
How would your partner feel if he knew this and also how would you feel if your partner was thinking the exact same thing about a girl he worked with? Would you feel comfortable if you found out he was into a girl at work who was new and obviously into him and flirting etc

Bottom line is whether he fancies you or not just get on with your new job!

fairylightsbackintheloft · 04/05/2015 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/05/2015 12:58

I'm sure he fancies you, but does he like you and respect you? The comforting you when you're upset, is that just a way for him to work his way in? If he liked you he wouldn't freeze you out on the say-so of his wife. He's manipulating you for his own entertainment. Maybe this will progress to fucking on the printer after work, but it won't go any further. Everyone who has worked in an office environment knows this guy. Everything you said in your OP fits with that type, the office player. I've met your guy in two different places. Once you've stroked his ego to completion he'll be looking for someone new. If you are remotely vulnerable, steer clear. It's more than likely it won't end well for you.

Stripyhoglets · 04/05/2015 13:26

It will wear off and you will think "what was I thinking!" but it's intense now because it's not real. It can't be made real without an awful lot of pain and suffering and sometimes it's just easier to move jobs than wait for it to pass.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 13:33

I think affairs happen in the same way that uninsured losses do; people don't think it will ever happen to them - and that they can cope if it does.

OP... at the moment, if the extent is no further than you've posted, you can get back from this without consequences. Only you know what the true position is. I suspect that if you'd posted and got, "Oh how exciting, squeee!" posts, you'd be more honest. As it is you haven't, you've modified the way you post accordingly.

It's up to you what you do and how you do it so take care because people at work will have noticed and you are very new at your job.

SelfLoathing · 04/05/2015 13:44

Sounds to me like he is grooming you.

What he is grooming you for depends on what he's after.

It could just be narcissistic attention - enjoying stoking you up until eventually out of frustration, you make a move on him or make you feelings clear, and he has the fun of bursting your bubble with all the "I'm sorry if I lead you on" crap. And enjoys seeing you moping around, devastated because you can't be with wonderful him - boosting his ego even more.

Or it could be for sex. and that's all it will be. That Guardian article posted above is great - however hard it is to break an addiction now, it's better than the post-affair trauma.

Goingcrazy20 · 04/05/2015 14:01

Thank you for the advice I will try to keep in professional, I just can't see him as this man some of you describe as a sleaze, I know I sound naive saying this but he's really not like that, I can't go into the reasons why I think he isn't but he just really doesn't seem like that, he gets nervous and shy and blushes around me.

Some of you tell me that it's all in my head and I'm making it out to be something it's not, some of you tell me he's a sleaze. I don't know what to think.

I will try and focus on my work and home life and less on what he does each day. Maybe the phone 'tennis' and mentioning each others partners if the other one does is a coincidence.

It's okay if you couldn't be bothered to finish reading it I appreciate it is a long post, but it might be a 'non-issue' to you and you may have heard it a million times but I haven't lived it a million times or ever and it is an issue for me.

When he told me about chat up lines etc he was joking he teases me a lot so a lot of that kind of stuff is a joke not as weird as it sounds.

Thank you to the posters who have experienced this and understand and to the ones who are giving me great advice

OP posts:
Rebelwithacause · 04/05/2015 14:23

God I'm glad I don't work in your office.

TheEggityOddity · 04/05/2015 14:32

He may not be a sleaze, but you know it doesn't change the fact that this only ends one way (badly).

He may not be in a happy marriage, he may be in a happy marriage and just like flirting with you. Whatever, you are doing yourself no favours. If I were you, I would engineer a move to another office, part of the company, different company as it sounds like you can't switch it off easily. And you may not realise this right now, but everyone around you will have noticed and will be commenting about it. It won't help your career, which is why you are there in the first place. I would seriously try to set yourself some boundaries with this guy, the most obvious being no more contact with him than is strictly necessary for work purposes, no coffees and no alone meetings/jobs. If you like a joke, find someone else to joke with.

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 14:33

"End up in a messy horrible situation ..."

You are in control of yourself. Don't even pretend this is something you can't help. Read the numerous current threads on here where pathetic twats have walked out on their wives and very young children because they have found themselves in romeo and Juliet and can't help it.

HE IS MARRIED. HE'S A SLEAZE. HE THINKS YOU'RE EASY. HES DECIDED YOU'LL DO.

Whereas your partner has no clue his girlfriend is mooning after the office dickhead but it would explain the rough times he's been having lately...