Married coworker crush help!

[Goingcrazy20]

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

I hope all goes well with you, it is a shame really that you have had a bit of a tough time as you genuinely sound like you wanted advise, particularly from your responses.

I suspect it might be quite tough over the next few weeks, trying to make you working relationship become more appropriate again. Treat it a bit like controlling an unhealthy habit or an addiction. Attention from someone you find attractive (however confusing it feels) is nice, but try noticing some of his flaws, politely turn town his help when you know you can competently handle something yourself. Make a mental list of things you can do differently, tick a few off as you achieve them.

Find a celeb/actor to have a fantasy or crush over, much less risk. Like a nictotine replacement iykwim.

Good for you OP. Steer clear of him and keep your head down focussing on showing people how good you are at your job. Don't let him waste any of your headspace.

Iwashappy thank you for telling me that it really puts things into perspective I think for the other girl involved she just didn't think about his wife because she probably never met you and so it's not as real if you no what I mean? Not that it excuses the behaviour but I think that's why maybe it wasn't so much of a factor to her

I believe it was iwas neighbour

I agreeOP, whether you knew/know the MM's wife or not does not excuse you. He is married (happily or not) and therefore out of bounds (if you have any morals). It really is that simple. Tell him you'll n dating him when he is single. Now, that would show a little self esteem. You so lack that.

I don't think op wants advice she has been given lots.

She has given excuse after excuse.

You reap what you sow op.

Your attracted to a man who thinks you 'get around' with other men!!!!!!!!

Am due a nc anyway so I might as well use my normal nn.

When I was in my late teens (and immature and stupid), I embarked on an affair with a mm I worked with. I was single and he had a young child with his wife. I thought he was different, that we had something special etc. I felt glamorous and sexy and thought it was an illicit romance. What I didn't know what that everyone in the office knew, and thought I was a complete bitch. Talk and rumours about me followed me from job to job for years, even in other organisations as it was a small industry. This greatly affected my already poor self-esteem. Of course, our special romance ended (i.e. he ditched me) as I was just a bit of fun for him, and meant nothing.

In the years afterwards I have felt crippling guilt over what I did, and I can't help but think of his wife often. Now I'm a wife and mother myself, the enormity and stupidity of what I did is so clear.

I know you haven't gone as far down the road as I did - but PLEASE, knock this on the head now. Be professional and be respectful to yourself and this man's wife - he's not going to do it! You have a lot to lose.

OP I am pleased if that helped you put it into perspective. But, even if you don't know his wife she is still a real person, even if she is technically invisible to you if you have never met her, with thoughts and feelings who would be utterly devastated if she knew how her husband was behaving. Don't get yourself involved in that.

As Ophelia said the OW in my own situation was (and still is) my next door neighbour. She was chatty and friendly to me and I used to talk to her about my children and even my husband and all the while she was going to bed with my husband so she didn't have the excuse of not knowing me.

Hi, I haven't read every single message on this thread so I apologise if I am repeating what other people said.

It is normal to get crushes on people you work with. You spend a lot of time with these people and it would be strange if it didn't happen. It is what you choose to do that is the important thing.

You really need to remember that there are three people involved here, your colleague, you, and the WIFE. You may not be able to see her, but trust me, she is there. The pain and betrayal that the wife will feel if you have an affair with her husband massively out measure the physical pleasure you would get. You will tear her world apart and if there are children involved, theirs too. Please, please don't go there. This man sounds like an arsehole who is absolutely not worth it. Think of the wife - not him. Find a nice, available man instead - they do exist.

If you want to see what affairs at work do to people, you should read some of the other threads on the relationship board.

The part about 'getting around' was a joke most likely I think fueled by the fact a guy told him on the phone that he liked me and my coworker didn't like it.

This thread has really opened my eyes, he's in meetings all week and I am also out of the office so it's easy right now (apart from missing him which I now hate myself for feeling) it's next week when I'll really have to be strong

Where is the line?

I work relatively closely with a number of guys of a similar age to myself (40s). We are all married. There is one person I do find attractive and witty. If I was in my 20s I might well be pursuing him.

But I'm not!

We chat and have a good working relationship, but absolutely no touching. Well we shaken hands a few times. On the odd social occasion I've not spent any more time with him than other colleagues (male and female). If only 10% of what you describe in your postings was gong on I would feel I'd crossed a boundary.

A rule of thumb would be - would you behave like that in front of your DH /dp?

Or his wife?

He has a wife that should be enough for you

OP, come on, pull the other one, you clearly want everyone to tell you that he does indeed fancy you and wants a relationship with you! And you know you will shag him if the opportunity presents itself.

Your post is also lacking credibility as it's full of contradictions and inconsistencies. My advice to you is get a hobby.

I agree that you don't really sound like you won't act upon any attraction

GoingCrazy, I was hoping that you'd realise that you'd dodged a bullet. I don't think you feel that way. You're still in his thrall and, if he makes a move, I'm not at all convinced that you'd stop yourself - and not because you can't but because you don't want to.

Try and keep a handle on your glee though because it's really not very nice and I'm baffled that you wouldn't realise that having read Iwashappy's and Bellas's posts. You're a very silly woman and you're putting your job at huge risk. I hope he's worth it.

OP, I am sure it will turn out just like this;
He'll leave his wife for you. (you are destined to be together foreva')
His kids (if any) will take to you instantly and will soon be calling you 'Other Mummy'.
His parents, sibs and wider family will welcome you with open arms.
You'll live happily ever after........
So,keep going cos it's 'alll written in the stars'.

I have worked in offices for probably more than twenty years and have had quite a few crushes along the way. I now recognize them for what they are- a point in time where you have a little wonder 'what if?' either because someone is attractive, or makes you feel good- but they are really just an escapist fantasy which makes life slightly more exciting.

You said is it all in your head. As someone else has said, his behaviour, which is a bit flirty and touchy feely isn't in your head at all, that's real. What is not real is what you are projecting onto this which is a whole story about him really liking you, it all meaning something, and him wanting to be with you if it weren't for that pesky wife and kids.

He may even be regretting the flirting, it is possible and I have had somewhat flirty relationships with men in the workplace, but not really with a boss, and very much out in the open, teasing friendships rather than deep and meaningful secretive stuff.

I hope you have got something out of posting, which is that sometimes our experiences, which seem really unique and special to us, are just fairly standard behaviour for others (it is extremely unlikely this guy has never flirted in the workplace before). No great harm has been done at this point, either to your career or to his marriage, and for this reason, it will be easy for you just to cultivate a more professional relationship. I very much doubt he'll push it if you stop gazing at him- when he comes in a room, don't bother looking up or catching his eye, go about your business, be friendly but absolutely straight-forward. It's not that hard to do and will stand you in good stead when you meet any other quite nice flirty friendly guys who make you feel special in the future (he's unlikely to be the last).

Reading through the whole thread I am enormously thankful that I am not your line manager. You are paid to do a job of work, not project your teenage fantasies on your colleagues.
You sound hugely self-absorbed and disingenuous with every post. If you don't care about your professional reputation then carry on with your nonsense but be aware your conduct will follow you around for the rest of your career.
As for "where is the line with a married man", words fail me. If you didn't know before then you know now as many posters have told you!

PPs have explained where "the lines" are, it's really not that hard.

You don't need to "be strong" to resist a work crush / lecherous married man. You seem to have some romantic tale in your head in which you're passive and can't help yourself: kind of fifty shades of grey meets The Office!

All sounds like teenage romance to me. Why are you so concerned if he likes you? He's married and best case scenario is he enjoys the attention from you.

Spare a thought for his poor wife, also why would you want a man who behaves like that anyway?

I was always told "if they will do it with you, they will do it to you" he will no doubt flirt with you and then if he manages to bag you, he will then move onto to the next leaving you feeling used and with the OW title.
The minute he said he was married, I would've totally backed away. I know friends who have got involved with married men and it's always the OW who ends up being the bad guy.
Think of his poor wife who has married this git, yes it is fine to attracted to other people. But you need to put an end to the flirting now. Otherwise you and a lot of people will be hurt, and then he will just move onto the next office flirt.

I posted something a little bit similar to you last year except the man I liked was single. I wanted to know if he liked me or not and I think the only reason you posted was to ask the same question.

I think you are disappointed he hasn't made a move on you and you wanted reassurance he liked you. I hope for your sake he's just a flirt because you won't do yourself any favours by getting involved with this tosser man.

He's married and clearly doesn't give a fuck about his wife so he won't about you. If you are as blatant at work as you sound you are probably already being talked about in the office and none of it will be complimentary.