Married coworker crush help!

[Goingcrazy20]

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

It's absolutely NOT all in your head, IMO, and it is absolutely not "innocent." He's trying to play you because it's an ego-boost for him. Hence the phone calls to his wife after you've phoned your partner - he has to keep the score even. If he gets you into bed or even into a compromising situation he will spread it all over the office so that his colleagues will slap him on the back. You have to see that you're worth more than this or misery will result and yes, most or all of the job fallout will be on you. You're just a board piece in his game.

OP you have basically just said in your last couple of posts that it won't end in a full blown affair because you don't think he wants you. You are also seem to be saying that you just want to have sex with him and because you don't want him to leave his wife it is okay.

It is not okay and even if you "just" have no strings sex with him it doesn't mean that his wife won't find out.

As I said earlier you are not being honest with yourself. You deny that you would do anything but all your posts indicate otherwise.

If you're alone with him and he moves in to kiss you it is so obvious that you will respond. Admit that to yourself even if you won't on here.

OP... you're playing games now. You're making out that his flirting is meaningful when it's pragmatic really. You know what he's doing and it sounds like you want to play.

When you're being told by posters that it's 'all in your head', that is referring to the romantic slant you're putting on his every little comment and move. That is all in your head.

You and he are flirting because you want to, you don't really care about the outcome and that is NOT in your head, it's a practised and very old game.

Clear now?

At best you have a new BF who you'll never trust at worst helloyou'll lose your job, friends and possibly a lot morehello.

That's a lot of *! The OW in your story proves otherwise.
She has a decent job that you tried to ruin and didn't manage to (evil), friends and apparently is happy . There's no point comparing the OP to others!

As risk as the situation may be the OP is full aware of the affects of an affair. By the look of things he is just a big flirt but who might move on to the next flavour of the day but what do we know? He may have a real interest in the OP and if they decide to get together no one has the right to say it wont work out.

OP: I'd advise to keep some bounderies. To get distracted to the point of someone coming looking for the 2 of you at work is a bit much. Be friendly, socialize as a group if the opportunity arises but avoid going out for a drink with him - you might get tempted etc.

Try not to discuss your personal issues with him. I do believe in male/female friendship but by the look of things (and I can only take your side of the story) he is interested in you. Given the time us spending together daily it's easy to get carried away, mix up the feelings and one thing lead to the other...

So far you have done nothing wrong, don't let these bitter sham's say you otherwise. Chin up!

I hope you sort out the issues with your DP Whether you decide to work out on the relationship or not I wish you best of luck in your career and future relationships.

abc1311 I think you're mistake I haven;t tried to ruin her job in fact I haven't explained any of the details of his affair to anyone in their office. Once co worker of his asked and I confirmed His affair I didn't give all the sordid details because I have class and dignity so get your facts right before posting ignorant comments.

You sound very foolish and goady, abc.

For the record, I'm not a 'SAHM' if that's were you were trying to type. I have a job that takes me away from home most of the time, most weeks I'm staying in hotels 3 nights out of 7. I could cheat on my husband every night of the week if I wanted to and he'd never know. I won't though.

I'm urging the OP against what she's wanting to do because the consequences are bad - for HER - not him. He'll be back-patted, she'll face disgust and potentially losing her job and/or reputation. Do you even acknowledge that?

I've been an 'OW'; I wasn't married, he was. I was younger than OP. I can't make her learn from my poor judgement anymore than anybody else can but I can tell her what she stands to lose, what she's risking.

You're urging her to 'crack on'. You must have very little humanity and/or very little of interest in your own life to encourage somebody towards this.

abc1311 it's unclear who your comment is directed at, but "bitter shams"? Oh get a grip. How does pointing out that OP is naive, with a lot to lose, and he is a lothario who's using her to boost his own ego make me or anyone else "bitter"? And if your comment is directed at OpheliaRose then shame on you and your dismal reading comprehension.

Hi Iwashappy. Hope you're okay.

This has probably already been said but you need to back off. Stop flirting, stop engaging and stop crushing.

This man is someone else's husband. He is not available to flirt, text, wink or any other such thing whether he makes out like he is or not.

It shouldn't make you feel special or interested. You should be disgusted. This is not a good man. Decide not to be a factor in ruining some other poor woman's life and step away with your dignity intact.

Rant over

A simple workplace flirtation is fine and can often brighten an otherwise dull day. However you do seem to have become over invested in it somewhere along the line. Trying to work out what his feelings and intentions are and whether he has talked to his wife about you and this talk of going out for drinks.

I suspect he knows he has sometimes crossed the line with the flirting and can see you are over-invested and that is why he cools towards you.

If you can, I would start to back right-off from the flirty, personal talk and texts. It is likely to end badly or very embarrassingly for you, maybe flirt once you feel a bit more in control and not overly invested in what he thinks of you.

Is abc on glue? Her posts make no sense and if she attacking Ophelia she can bog off.

Well said Ophelia. Perhaps OP can look forward to this MM having a similar nickname for the OP as your husband did for OW.

ABC I am not bitter. I think OP is deluding herself by denying that she would do anything when it's clear that she wants him to make a move. I think she's being naïve that there won't be an fallout if anything does happen and that includes fallout for her as well as the innocent parties in this.

I think if she was a lot more aware of the devastation that she could contribute to by embarking on a "bit of fun" it might make her stop and realise what a mistake she would be making to get involved. He is not a decent man, it is not harmless and she is totally deluding herself is she thinks it is.

I have a lot more sympathy for this man's wife but I am saying this for the OP's sake as well. It is unlikely that she won't get hurt in some way by this, whether it be being used and hurt by this MM, viewed with disdain in the office or losing her job.

Listen to LyingWitchInTheWardbrobe OP. She knows what she is talking about and she always talks a lot of sense on here.

I'm okay thanks Justusemyname.

At the end of the day you will move on from this and the wotse that will happen is you might miss him a bit.
However if u let it develop further then the hurt and damage that you would inflict upon many people is imeasurable.
Back away.

You were asking earlier where is the line as far as a MM is concerned. It might help you to think where your line is, as far as your own partner is concerned. Would you be ok with your partner behaving like this co-worker has been behaving, towards someone at his work? Would it be ok for your partner to be behaving as you have been? Devoting all this energy to another person? Ask yourself these things and then you might see where the 'line' is.

If you really think that the behaviours you have listed from both you and this man are perfectly ok and you would be happy a) for your partner to behave the same way with someone else and b) for your partner to know about the winking and eye-locking and the amount of time and attention this man directs at you and the amount of energy and time you are spending thinking about it, perhaps your 'line' is in a different place to mine.

This sounds like an obsession, and it is quite possibly escapism from the current problems in your actual relationship. The more your mind is engaged with all this, the less focus you can give your real relationship. And maybe that suits you at the moment. But it is not going to solve anything.

Also consider you barely know this man, you have never spent time away from the working environment. The joy of crushes is that the person you have the crush with is really just a fantasy, you are projecting on him you own feelings and emotions. This can be pretty compelling if you are going through problems in your own relationship.

I speak as someone who did overstep the line, betrayed my husband and my marriage and ruined my career for a very brief and meaningless workplace encounter. We have survived and many years later there is not a week that goes by that I do not regret deeply, my madness, naivety and gullibility.

Walk away, what you feel is not real.

Op, I've been in the workplace 20 years and your flirty colleague is a 'type' you soon get to be aware of.As you say this is your first experience but by the time you are 35 you will have a different outlook.

Be aware that you have more to lose than gain as your reputation will be impacted.Have no doubt that people will know and start speculating.Perhaps they think "Dave's flirting with the new girl, wonder if she falls for it!".

The workplace can be notorious for flirting but a decent relationship starts with good boundaries.I met my husband in work so know the difference of those married men who hit on the new girl for a shag or those who are looking for a long term relationshipart.

The next time he flirts ask him about his wife (& kids?) in a genuine way.What does his wife like doing? Don't share personal stuff, as its unprofessional and you are hurting your career prospects. Sobering stuff to think this flirting will cost you ££ in career.

Your over investment in this work situation reflects some emotional turmoil in your life. .perhaps your current partner isn't the one BUT flirty work guy certainly isn't!

Unless you are working in a strip club, then his making sexual jokes is out of order. If he's making them in front of people, he is undermining your professional status. And that is bad for your career.

No I just didn't know where this was goin or what this is /was

But tbh I'm still confused as some of u say it's crossed a line and some of u say it's all in my head.

It has nothing to do with work. Go to work, build a career, make professional connections with colleaues and get on with what matters. Stop thinking about him and freeze the sleazy chat off. No more intimate little conversations. None.

*No I just didn't know where this was goin or what this is /was

But tbh I'm still confused as some of u say it's crossed a line and some of u say it's all in my head.*

We don't know the answer anymore than you do. But we can advise that it sounds dangerous for you both emotionally and career wise. What we can be sure of is that at the moment it is a workplace flirtation and crush, that has over-stepped the line because you are beginning to become obsessed.

Unless you proactively take steps to cool it down, you are either going to be extremely embarrassed because he is just a flirter and it is meaningless, or he is a player and he will use you. The other option is that he is as confused as you and you will end up having a fling, that will seriously damage other people's lives and maybe your own. There of course is an outside chance you are the love of each other's lives and it may be worthwhile taking such risk and causing havoc. I personally believe this is highly unlikely and excessive sexual innuendo seems a strange place to start.

I will say again you do not know anything about each other, you are likely to be projecting your needs onto each other.

Brilliant posts from Silverbirch, OP, Please listen to her.

OP in answer to your questions:

It's going to end up with you having sex with him unless you do the decent thing and that means protecting yourself and walking away from anything.

This is either a sleazy man getting his kicks from you fancying him and having a laugh about it with the other staff or a sleazy man trying to get in your knickers.

It has crossed a line because his behaviour is totally inappropriate for a man who is in a relationship let alone married. If your DP read what you had posted on here he would also have no doubt that you had also crossed a line.

What is in your head is that this man is a decent man who listens to you and talks to you because he is "wonderful, sweet and a gentleman."

You really need to take responsibility for your own actions in all of this. You're full of "try"s and "I don't know"s.

I don't mean this critically but if you spent as much time talking to your DP and trying to sort out the issues in your relationship as you do analysing everything this MM does then the issues in your relationship might be able to be improved.

Perhaps you might like to post about the issues you are having with your DP, rather than confiding in the MM about them, and see if you can get any good advice about those and then, if possible, you might be able to improve your relationship with your DP so this MM is not so tempting to you.

If you are not happy in your relationship and feel that you have tried to resolve the issues and are not getting anywhere then maybe your DP is not the man for you. In which case end your relationship with him rather than seeing this MM as an escape route.