DH doesnt find me attractive when I am....

[jessicaandrebeccasmummy]

not dolled up and fat!

Thats it really.

I had a conversation with him over the last few nights about his lack of affection, only ever showing me he loves me when he wants sex, and only ever being complimented when I have dressed up and made an effort.

As a SAHM, I tend to get up, get washed, chuck on jeans and a top and run a brush through my hair and thats it, as it is more comfortable than "dressing up" to be with the girls all day.

It has come to light that he feels i have totally let myself go, need to lose a lot of weight and start wearing clothes that make me look better.

Although I totally understand his point, I am quite upset that he cant show me he loves me when im in scruff clothes. We are totally skint, so cant afford to go out and buy nice new clothes, so other than try and work on losing weight, I feel like I am losing a no-win battle.

Im not really sure why I am posting this - he is right and I know he is, but I just dont know where to start in making myself more "desirable" for him.

We have a good marriage generally but I get hurt at the fact he doesnt show me he loves me, he tells me all the time, but does nothing to back it up.

Thats it really.... feel free not to post.... because I dont really know what I expect to gain from posting this! Just wanted to let it all out I guess.

Thanks for reading.

oh ((JARM))

One the one hand im like "what a twonk"... but, if my DH was scruffy all the time, I dont think id be jumping him Dont really know what to "advise" as my DH had to like it or lump it if I have no makeup and still in PJs

Maybe try wearing "everyday" makeup... just whatever you "need", bare minimum. And wearing jeans, but a nicer top? A nice necklace and earings? And nice undies... They'll make you feel abit glammed up...

It sounds as though he's putting all the pressure on you, which seems v unfair - as though you have to 'earn' his affection. It's nice for both of you to make an effort for each other, but he could be a bit more supportive.
I sometimes think that blokes are quite scared by the prospect that their wives will stop making an effort, and so they react badly to even a short-term period of not wanting to get all dolled up. Of course it doesn't enter their heads that we're so busy attending to the every need of the children that we could do without demands from them too!!
Blimey, that turned into a bit of a rant!

The most attractive feature in a person is a glint in the eye and a head held up high! If you are brimming with confidence and a dash of mischief, your husband will wonder what you've been up to and come running! Show him what you're made of and give him a little bit of unpredictabilty; he'll love it! And it doesn't cost a penny!

JARM - First off, if your going to get 'in shape' or whatever do it for yourself not for your DH, he should understand that you have carried and birthed his 2 beautifull children and it's going to take time to get back to the way you looked before.

He should still be affectionate and show he loves you even when sex isn't on the cards, after all love isn't all about sex so a cuddle and a kiss here and there he should do anyway.

Not sure that helped, i hope someone comes along with some good advice fore you. hugs.

big hug
What a horrible thing to say to you. Is he some superhuman muscle rippling model of a man, permanently dressed to impress??!!
fgs
if he wants you to be a glam super relaxed wife perhaps he aught to hire a nanny, cook, gardener, housewife so that you have the time and energy to think about those trivial little things like nailpolish and lippie.

Did you let him know how hurtful his comments were and what was his response? If that is really how he feels and he is being honest, ok, ignoring the tactless way of saying it, can he not see that love and affection are much more beyond just the physical and that you are in a partnership where you support each other through tough times?
Maybe there is more to this and he was covering for some other issue? Is he stressed at work? worrying about money etc etc worrying about how tired you look and that makes him feel guilty complex type emotional stuff and just deflecting the real reasons away?? Just a thought.

I guess you need to sit down and talk about this with him. I would hold fire on the crash diet and grabbing the credit cards to pay for an expensive make over as I suspect there is more to this than you just needing a new lipstick and to lose a few pounds.

Sorry bit of a ramble , just really feel for you and so spurted out a few ideas off the top of my head. Hope someone comes along with a bit of sense. Feel free to discard all my badly thought through hurried thoughts!
xxxx

cant you put make up on though
( soryr if oyu al think this is pandering to him but if it was a dh not shaving or cleaning under his nails we'd all be on him)

Hi, is it possible that he is touching on a sensitivity of yours and that it is making you "overreact" i.t.o. making yourself feel worse rather than inspired?

I recently bought a book called "Body for Like for women" by Dr Pamela Peeke.
She breaks down our Female hormonal milestones i.e. menstruation to first pregnancy, reproductive years, perimenopause etc. She explains the changes in our bodies and why we need to look at what we eat and also how to eat appropriately for our "hormonal milestone". I've only been on it 2 weeks and must admit it feels good. She spends time on showing you how to reprogramme your thinking so that the weight loss is for yourself and not for someone else. I can really recommend it.

Here only £8.57

"i can lose weight - you'll still be fuckin ugly"

is what i would have said.

dont fall into the trap of begging for his affection.

say stuff like" its a two way street love"

Oh Jarm.

Did your DH offer to help in any constructive way eg: looking after your girls whilst you go out for a walk, a swim, excercise class or gym?

Did he offer to organise a babysitter so you can both go out and exercise together, and encourage each other?

It's quite easy to criticise, but not as easy to provide some practical help.

If you feel you want to change, that's fine, but ask him to help you. I think you should be wanting to change for your own sake, not just to make yourself more desirable for your husband.

Just out of interest, are you completely happy with the way your DH looks, and did you comment on it to him? It wouldn't occur to me to speak to my partner in this way, and I would certainly be more tactful and supportive if I wanted to discuss such a personal and emotive subject.

Is your DH a perfect physical specimen in cutting-edge fashionable clothes? (whatever that is )

I am not surprised you are feeling hurt; there is so much more to a relationship than sex, and it is sad that you only get affection from your DH when he wants sex.

You are the mother of his children - that alone should be enought to inspire respect and support IMO.

The fact that you are a great mother and a great wife is measured by so much more than how much you weigh and what clothes you wear.

He's lucky to have you, and it makes me that his comments have made you sad.

Get dolled up if you want to - but for your sake too, not just his.

Mind you, I'm going to a big reunion dinner on Fri with lots of my former colleagues - I only see them very occasionally, and I'm concious that they might be wondering if I've let myself go, having left the job to have two kids. So I have been a little more concious of what I've been eating over the past few weeks, and I've had my hair coloured - and it has occurred to me that I'm more bothered about what a lot of people I hardly ever see think, than what my poor dh has to look at every day! Which is quite shallow, frankly!

jarm can you post a pic of him?
well have a GOOD look at him

The thing is i am full of confidence and feel good hormones when i do make an effort, but on days I dont (which at the moment is 99% of the time) I feel and look like shit.

He didnt say it in a harsh way at all, and I know he is right. When I make an effort, everything else seems so easy.

We are having a rough time with his work and money issues, but at the moment there is nothing we can do about it (bloody army)

The thing is, he really does look after himself, and makes the effort to look good (not that he needs much help) but I seem to have got stuck in a rut and cant seem to pull myself together and sort myself out.

To go back to pre-kids weight, I need to lose about 2.5 stone and drop 2 dress sizes. I want to do it for me, and even more so if it will improve our relationship.

He is such a good dad and fantastic around the house so I cant fault him in any way other than the lack of affection.

if you want a hand JARM
let me know

Have you told him that maybe if he was more affectionate it would give you the boost you need to get out of your rut?

If you think 'i have to loose wieght to get him to be affectionate' its more difficult than if you have no pressure.

I know what you mean JARM. Days when I make an effort to actually do my hair put on abit of makeup I feel better more confident etc. (I also feel more in control if the house is tidy). But I think that you need to do it for yourself as well. I'm trying to lose a stone and a half and its bloody hard work.

It is nice to look good for yourself but difficult to do with that negative attitude in the house.You have just had a baby haven't you?What does he expect?IME people only say nasty things like that when they feel bad about some aspect of themselves.Do it when you're ready and a little at a time is easier than some big makeover.Buy some new underwear and a new lipstick and gradually spend more time on yourself

Agree you should do it for yourself really.

I have tons of weight to lose aswell but luckily DH is built like a rugby player so he doesnt get on at me...

ok. So if he is a nice guy and didn?t come out deliberately nasty etc and you really want to lose the weight..
then turn it into a positive. make today the first day and be excited about the new you. Get DH on side, help him to realise you need encouragement and support. Could he babysit while you join an exercise group once a week for example?
Don?t waste good money on clothes that (hopefully) will be too big in a month! Go through your wardrobe, chuck out the stuff that makes you feel bad and wear your good stuff all the time! Have fun with it. Give yourself a £20 budget for a couple of new items of makeup or a small bottle of perfume. A nice waft of perfume does more than many clothes. If glammed up makes you feel good and act good - then go for it!
Cod is the woman to consult when it comes to attitude and confidence and dress to impress
(I am typing this as a self help thing tbh - I reckon I could do with doing everything I have just typed myself as I feel rather frumpy atm and I know DH would love me to be less tired/less unsexy and not quite so frequently "not-in-the-mood" . )

Agree with lemontart better to turn this into something positive rather than a gerat big row!I feel a bit shoddy atm too as I have had a run of things wrong with me and look a bit rough!Maybe we can all take something from this and feel a bit better xx

I wouldn't be impressed with a partner who wasn't making an effort to be really honest with you. It would really turn me off. I put on a little make-up in the mornings, it takes me 5 minutes. I'm not great at doing hair. In fact I'm crap at it but I won't leave it hanging down looking scraggy, either it's washed, conditioned and looking nice long or it's up somehow looking reasonable.

You said yourself you feel good when you look good so I think it's worth doing a bit more. Get up 15 minutes earlier and put on some make-up and perfume. You don't have tons of money for clothes but you could buy 2-3 feminine t-shirts at H & M or somewhere like that, couldn't you? You're daunted at the prospect of losing 2.5 stone but you could attempt half a stone, that's doable.

I think part of making an effort with your appearance as a SAHM is about respect for yourself and your family. So that's why it's important to me. When I'm feeling sick as a dog (like now), I make less of an effort but otherwise I think appearance is important.

Even if you think he is right, it's still very hurtful to hear it said

I need to lose weight and shape up a bit too, I think a lot of us do - looking after small children does tend to foster the "Oh, stuff it" mentality towards dress/make-up etc. I really know what you mean about having more confidence and feeling better when you make an effort to look better though - if I do it, I do it for that reason (put make-up on for the school run etc ).

Even if he has a point, I think you should gently let him know that showing love/appreciation shouldn't be linked to whether or not you have lipstick on and a flat tummy.

Too right Lemontart! I've started a fitness regime, because I was making myself sad looking in the mirror, and boy do I feel better! I've got a spring back in my step and a lot more confidence. I do it with my baby too, so we both get the benefit of being out in the fresh air. I say go for it JARM, and you will feel better for you.

have posted 2 pics in member profiles

agre he is out of orderBUT someteims its somethign like this htat makes you perk up andget bakc to how you are