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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesnt find me attractive when I am....

183 replies

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 07/11/2006 09:19

not dolled up and fat!

Thats it really.

I had a conversation with him over the last few nights about his lack of affection, only ever showing me he loves me when he wants sex, and only ever being complimented when I have dressed up and made an effort.

As a SAHM, I tend to get up, get washed, chuck on jeans and a top and run a brush through my hair and thats it, as it is more comfortable than "dressing up" to be with the girls all day.

It has come to light that he feels i have totally let myself go, need to lose a lot of weight and start wearing clothes that make me look better.

Although I totally understand his point, I am quite upset that he cant show me he loves me when im in scruff clothes. We are totally skint, so cant afford to go out and buy nice new clothes, so other than try and work on losing weight, I feel like I am losing a no-win battle.

Im not really sure why I am posting this - he is right and I know he is, but I just dont know where to start in making myself more "desirable" for him.

We have a good marriage generally but I get hurt at the fact he doesnt show me he loves me, he tells me all the time, but does nothing to back it up.

Thats it really.... feel free not to post.... because I dont really know what I expect to gain from posting this! Just wanted to let it all out I guess.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
TheHighwayCod · 07/11/2006 09:57

were

Flamesparrow · 07/11/2006 09:59

Trying to think about this logically...

Yes, it was harsh to say it but there are just a couple of things that you can do that will make it a lot better.

Makeup - just a quick flick of some eyeliner and mascara does a world of good, and it normally makes me feel much better.

Clothes - good underwear... it will give you a good shape under whatever else you wear, and if you are of average nork you can pick up very very cheap in new look that will still give you a good shape (try it on first though!!). Again, the earrings and necklace also help a lot. You can be as slouchy as you like (although I would tend to lean towards slouchy jeans over tracksuit bottoms, but I don't know what you prefer), but a good shape underneath the clothes will do a lot. Oh, and perfume is always good

Weight loss - you don't have to work obsessively at it. Smaller portions, snack on fruit or veg, and an activity to do with your hands in the evening (read, sew, learn to knit, mn... just don't snack in front of tv). If you are still FLYing add some situps into the bedtime routine. It will be enough to make it fall off gradually. Give him the smaller portions etc too - he can do it with you (I don't care if he is skinny already ).

caffeinequeen · 07/11/2006 10:01

Yes LemonTart I was about to type exactly the same thing. Isn't it funny how we can find practical words of advice for others (even on MN) but aren't always so good at following it ourselves?I wanted to go to my first WW meeting today but have a DREADFUL fluey type virus which has wiped me out since yesterday afternoon (MNing on the laptop in bed today)
JARM best of luck with everything. We're all rooting for you.

oliveoil · 07/11/2006 10:06

I actually think it is good that you can have these discussions together tbh, better then him thinking it and getting all huffy and you not knowing why.

dh is getting a bit fat, not huge, but beer belly and I told him it used to be flat and he is now cycling to work! He wasn't insulted and I didn't say it in a nasty way, but I think you need to share your feelings.

When I am off work, I put scruffy stuff on - if I am rolling on the floor, playing with playdoh or doing craft, I am not putting decent stuff on - and I don't change before dh comes home (I don't live in 1952 after all)

But I shower and wash my hair everyday and wear make up every day - I look better with it and feel better too.

TheHighwayCod · 07/11/2006 10:06

IM WITH THE OIL

Flamesparrow · 07/11/2006 10:09

I agree with OO too (always wanna put OOOOOOOOOOO )

Judy1234 · 07/11/2006 10:10

At least he's commmunicating. I like flames' advice. I suppose what can you do that costs nothing? Eat less. (Although that can be terribly hard). Wear nice underwear. Wear skirts, not jeans.
I always found buying porn helps but I doubt most mumsnetters think that's wise.

TheHighwayCod · 07/11/2006 10:11

freak!

TheHighwayCod · 07/11/2006 10:11

yes xenis
a tat ll help her nagative body image LOTS

oliveoil · 07/11/2006 10:13

It can be so easy to think I can't be arsed - and believe me I think that most days - but you will feel so much better.

Both mine have to come in the bathroom with me so it takes me ages to get ready as they have to fiddle with all my pots and potions and splodge stuff about, can you make it 'fun' (ha!) for your girls as well?

Do you have a Primark near you? v cheap clothes, I go every now and again for a £20 splurge, get tops for home that you don't mind banana ground into.

And get into shape, you will feel fitter - do you have a buggy? I used my double to pump up and down hills and my weight fell off.

And you say he doesn't show you affection - well I would shower him with hugs and kisses he doesn't expect. He will be thrilled and may resiprocate (and I can't spell that).

Can your dad babysit one night and you have a nice meal? Stay in if money is tight, you don't have to go out.

Greensleeves · 07/11/2006 10:13

How will buying porn help?

Flamesparrow · 07/11/2006 10:14

Was the freak to me for my OOOOOOOOOOs?

Thinking the porn thing sounds insane...

TheHighwayCod · 07/11/2006 10:15

no freak to pron gal

noddyholder · 07/11/2006 10:15

Buying porn will do little for her self esteem and diet!Better to buy a good healthy cookery book!

expatinscotland · 07/11/2006 10:16

Porn? That's so lazy!

Use your imagination!

oliveoil · 07/11/2006 10:16

I think she means that porn may kickstart the sex side.

And I have no comment to make on that.

expatinscotland · 07/11/2006 10:18

Role play is easier and more fun!

Classic - get a babysitter, then meet your man at a pub.

He has to pretend he's picking you up for a sleazy, dirty shag.

Make him tell you what he's going to do to you when he takes you home or he gets nothing.

Take him into the alley and snog and grope him.

Then go home and rip his clothes off.

xena · 07/11/2006 10:19

porn?? WTF

Flamesparrow · 07/11/2006 10:19

I did think it was a tad harsh!!

Much better ways of kickstarting a sex life than porn...

xena · 07/11/2006 10:24

Am thinking of changing my name as not to be associated with xenIa

Bozza · 07/11/2006 10:27

Oh oo I have that with DD. She is always coming begging for moisturiser etc or her toe nails painting and pinching my stuff.

xena · 07/11/2006 10:38

{shock](I just re read my post) I didn't mean that I think your dreadfull xenIa just think that people are going to confuse us

Original poster
jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 07/11/2006 10:38

just had a leaflet through the door for boxercise.... good idea or not? Classes on tues/thurs 6-7pm £2.50 a session - DH said yes, so do I go tonight or not?

have dug out davina dvd and slimming world books

will have hair cut on saturday

need clothes advice.... jeans i always buy from BHS because im such a short arse - 5ft 1

OP posts:
xena · 07/11/2006 10:40

Next and principles have petit sizes - can't imagine BHS having nice jeans

Bibliophile · 07/11/2006 10:41

Yes, if you fancy it at all. Know people who have lost shedloads of weight doing boxercise.

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