DH doesnt find me attractive when I am....

[jessicaandrebeccasmummy]

not dolled up and fat!

Thats it really.

I had a conversation with him over the last few nights about his lack of affection, only ever showing me he loves me when he wants sex, and only ever being complimented when I have dressed up and made an effort.

As a SAHM, I tend to get up, get washed, chuck on jeans and a top and run a brush through my hair and thats it, as it is more comfortable than "dressing up" to be with the girls all day.

It has come to light that he feels i have totally let myself go, need to lose a lot of weight and start wearing clothes that make me look better.

Although I totally understand his point, I am quite upset that he cant show me he loves me when im in scruff clothes. We are totally skint, so cant afford to go out and buy nice new clothes, so other than try and work on losing weight, I feel like I am losing a no-win battle.

Im not really sure why I am posting this - he is right and I know he is, but I just dont know where to start in making myself more "desirable" for him.

We have a good marriage generally but I get hurt at the fact he doesnt show me he loves me, he tells me all the time, but does nothing to back it up.

Thats it really.... feel free not to post.... because I dont really know what I expect to gain from posting this! Just wanted to let it all out I guess.

Thanks for reading.

jarm - I've just started exercising again for the first time since ds1 was born in 2001 . The last couple of week I've been doing cardio kickboxing - it's great, very physical and satisfying and sweaty and boy, am I beating the crap out of some people in my head. Go for it.

I think you just have to make a start somewhere and once you see positive results, you enjoy it all again and put more and more effort into it (not just appearance but the whole issue of being you and not just the mother I think).

If you think you might enjoy, I'd at least go twice and give it a try. It wouldn't be my choice but you just need to try someething you think you'll enjoy.

i like the jeans/cardi here

left hand side here

M&S (per una) do nice jeans for those of us with little legs. I tend to have a 'uniform' of jeans, v neck tshirt and 'cardigan'(not a button up one, more of a top that fastens in one place, over the norks) for day to day wear. Not too expensive to buy and very mix-and-matchable.

Make-up - I have given dd a little makeup bag with an empty compact and a few brushes which she plays with while I make myself presentable!

Does that work well betty? I wonder if I could find a few extra bits to go in DD's stocking. I have got her a little set of lip gloss and nail varnish from ELC already.

JARM I wonder if those cardigans might be a bit long for you.

Does he make the effort to look good for you JARM?

Jarm I agree with some other posters that it is nice to make a bit of effort with make-up and not "let yourself go" - but at the same time it's not nice to be criticised and he needs to be aware of why it's hard for you to glam yourself up at times - you're tired and have two small children. I would say to him of course you would love to have the time and energy to make more of an effort, perhaps you could negotiate a deal with him wherre he looks after the girls/does some chores while you do your make-up, go for a facial, fitness class or a run (or whatever you want to do that would improve your wellbeing). Make him see that this isn't all about some kind of failing in you.

My concession to making an effort is a bit of hair gunk, concealer, lip gloss and eyeshadow - 2 minutes' worth - each morning, and I always put on a necklace as some kind of statement to myself that I still like to look nice. But I do this for myself - it's nice if DP appreciates it, but if he criticized I would take him to task.

If your skint, see if there is a next clearance shop near you. Its just stuff left from sales. I got 2 lovely tops for £8 each the other day, they were 25 quid each before.
Take the kids out for long walks (don't know if this is practical for you or not) I do this instead of excercise vid's. You'll get a healthy glow from all the fresh air as well !
If your short on time for make up, get your eyelashes tinted, lasts about 4 weeks and you don't need to put on mascara, even better, learn how to do it yourself, so much cheaper !

Dorothy Perkins have a petite range which is pretty cheap if pennies are in short supply.

Agree with what OO has said.

I need to do some of this actually....maybe a "boost yourself" thread is needed....?

I agree, a list of tips we can actually manage with kids !

bozza - yes the little makeup bag for dd distracts her nicely while I put makeup on. I'm a bit cheap, and just give her the empty pots/compacts from my makeup

Jarm jarm jarm ((((((hugs))))) firstly, secondly I think your DH is a twit - after all you've had his children looked after them etc, but I won't ramble on about him!

if you do this then it does need to be for you, but as I said yesterday I think any signs of affection need to come from him it's not fair on you to always do the running.

clotehs wise - do u have a next clearance? (I got 3 pairs of jeans in there for £18 can't complain they're fab, dead comfy, right size - i'm your height) also they do lovely bits and bobs for other clothes etc. for your hair - do u have a lady on camp who comes to the house? we have one here who will cut/blow dry and colour for £30 which I understand is a good price (don't know see i'm a trim me up sort of a gal! lol)

it is good you guys are able to talk things thru, so that's a good step, how about you both loose some weihght together- when I did weight watchers so did DH he just didn't realise it! lol. that can be done at home (I begrudge paying the money to be told i've put weight on! lol)

food wise - right now listen up MRS (munz has her wagging fingers out) NO more choccy 5 times a day! lol. one bar penquin thingy yes 5 bars no! snack on fruit/rasins/blueberrys or soemthing, as I said to u those jacobs crackers are great if u fancy choccy - don't ask me how it works I just know I fancy choccy have a jacobs cracker and it fixes me fix! lol.

no doubt will think of more as we go, but I mean FFS - you're a mother, now I know your not DH's mother but honestly, it's a bit impratical that you dress up all the time witht eh girls running about - althou a lot of mums at tots see to look pristine. I think they shop in primark/H&M.

wher are you Jarm

(I also need a boost yourself thing). being a mum thou it's anything which is easy quick to put on and doens't require looking after.

im here for a min or 2, why???

no i havent done much other than play with the girls and make lunch......

my new "me" starts tomorrow at 7am

ooh and my MIL recons with a big bust you should wear low tops - not sure I agree esp if your self concious but pick out a real nice top, and think to yourself I will wear that top. and then do it. also swimming's a fab excersice all over toning that it

choccy has been banned since the weekend - i have one choccy bar in the house - it has been here since friday morning and i havent touched it!

Have had toast for brekkie
satsuma mid morning
pasta for lunch
spagbol for tea tonight

I am as short as you, I buy from New Look, they're cheap too and many diif styles.

I used to llive in jeans and sweatshirts, but I make a real effort now, partly cos of MN, to wera trousers or s skirt and a nicer top, even if I'm just at home. And alsways wear make up. I feel much better for it, and probably seem more confident.

good girl! (that sounds so condesending but you knwo what I mean) u have more will power than me! lol. one of my friends gave herself a target every half stone she lost she treated herself to a maccy'd - perhaps you could have a small box of choccy! lol.

I will have a look through my make up stuff and see if I have anything that is likely to run out between now and Christmas. It would be great to go with DD's present of a dressing table. although I can sort of see the dressing table ending up lined up next to mine!

I do tend to shop in Next to Nothing. It is great for cheap basics that are slightly better made than Primark. I bought a skirt in there on Sunday for £7.

so we start tomorrow
tell of mornign routin wiht getting girls ready
do sone go to preschool?

Morning routine...

7am get up
7.05am in shower
7.15am dried and dressed (including getting girls dressed)
7.25am brush hair (will allow time to dry and straighten it)
7.30am girls breakfast
8am take DH to work

Thats it really

no - jess doesnt go to pre-school yet - going to start her after christmas

jarm-one of the reasons my dh cited in his leaving me was that i was too fat etc.
yes i admit..im fat..i was a trim 8 stone when i met dh, but 2 more children later, plus underactive thyroid, illness etc and i gained4 stone.
i think your dh is being a bit of an a888hole though.im sure you dont look like waynetta slob ..but if you want to change how you look, do it for you, it doesnt have to cost the earth, walk everywhere, youll soon be lovely and toned, have a new hairstyle, if money is an issue go to the local hairdressing college and volouteer as a hair model.
scour ebay for clothes, but you dont have to be done up like a dogs dinner, nice jeans and a casual top look fine for everyday, you dont have to put a full face of make up on, just a bit of lippy.
after dh went, i started making an effort, i make a point of always making sure that i have clean, washed hair and reasonably tidy clothes, it makes me feel better about myself.
but do it for you..not for anyone else

cant dh walk and allow you beeryooty time