HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Fairy I totally get what you're saying about the date, I'm hoping to start some very casual dating in the near future, nothing serious but like you I need to build my confidence, and have my ego boosted, hence there will be flirting tonight :)

You will eventually be able to see him without getting upset, he won't like it but you'll feel better.

Hope you're dd has a lovely day x

Ladies - dating sounds brave. although I think that green has a little something going on.

On the one hand, it would be lovely to have someone to do things with, but on the other, can't imagine actually the whole process of dating. Too early for me, me thinks. Don't feel at all attractive at the moment anyway.

I do get the idea of just wanting to be happy and have some fun again though. Good luck fairy and braving - let us know how you get on. Flirting is good

Hobbit It IS incredibly difficult to come to terms with that level of betrayal and selfishness. It invokes a wide range of emotions, none of which are pleasant! So I'm just reminding you that what you're feeling is appropriate for the situation you're in, and NOT YOU being 'silly'. You are getting into the more difficult reality of divorce, and that's scary, because denial/coping can end up being quite comfortable place, but the rapid change (the settlement/court outcome) is frenetic, stressful and hard.

First we slowly adjust to the rapid change in our lives (them leaving) then just as we adjust we have to face the rapid change in our circumstances (selling our homes...) and then we adjust. But God above, it's fucking hard! Wise makes a good point: there's a widespread belief that people can have happiness all the time or it's their 'right'. And it's a complete misnomer. Happiness is something people feel but it ebbs and flows, like sadness. A feeling is not a 'right'. They got that wrong. And that's where they went wrong...

1 This bit I strongly identify with I loved him despite it all and focused on the loveable things about him and clung on to those. He's thrown loyalty, love and a lifetime of sharing away for goodness knows what.

But this is where we depart:

Good luck to him.

I ain't that charitable! I'm still wishing his penis would drop off.

Well It needs to shrivel and go black, very painfully over a few weeks before falling off, and even that's too good for him.

Oh dear, I find it so difficult to identify with a lot of what is being said and it makes me really sad and has hit a nerve. I never had those years of wonderful happiness, or loving him despite his faults (except for initially) Once I really got to know who I had married the only good thing I can say about him is that he went to work every day and held a job down. The only time he made an effort with me was about 10 years ago when I told him I no longer loved him due to his behaviour. As soon as I told him I loved him again he just went back to his old ways. The blinkers came off long ago, though it took a good number of years to work him out.

Over the years I gradually detached and learnt to put up enough of a barrier that he couldn't hurt me. Why did I stay so long? Lots of reasons - the kids mainly, the fear of leaving, the stigma, the lack of having a "man" around the house.

Fairy and Braving hope you really enjoy your nights out. I wonder if it is the case that the older you are when you divorce, the more difficult it is to contemplate dating again? I certainly feel no inclination at the moment. Anyway a nigh out in any format is good for the soul

Nah, don't want his willy to drop off - not worth it and never that much use anyway. perhaps develop an allergy/bad reaction to Viagra instead

Hobbit hope you're feeling better today. Listen to Mother she's right

His suggested settlement sounds pretty good. I'm surpried that he offered you 70/30 of assets straight off. Child maintenance as well as spousal? Re the pension, if he was paying into it, say for a couple of years pre marriage you could be reasonable in return and just include a split of pension during marriage?

I realise that it's important to try to get a share of the pension. In my case, in case anyone was wondering, if I were to take a share of his pension, he would get more of the assets in my name, and I would not be able to buy a house (and can't get a mortgage)

Actually it's this bit that's got to and upset me the most.."The last decision he made about my life was when he decided to end my marriage."

I've been going through this for 19 months now and he is still controlling my life, in that I have to spend money on rental when I could be living in my own fully paid-for house, which means I have no money to spend on me.

Advice to others ( Ali ) do not move out of or sell the family home till the finances are sorted, and if you are finding it difficult to live, (he stops paying bills) apply for interim spousal payments asap. Do not believe him if says there is no point as it will all get sorted quickly - unless he volunteers spousal of course! Ditto child maintenance - give him 2 weeks to start paying or go to CMS

Fairy, I've been dating someone for about two months now. It's been a wonderful distraction and a confidence boost. Turns out he is also lovely and completely opposite to XH. I set my boundaries before entering into it and know exactly what I want (someone to do nice things with, have sex, keep it all very private so XH/kids don't find out). It's been great for me. Good luck with your date.

Did anyone read the piece in the Family section of the Guardian 'Boys are in a mess'? I found it really upsetting, and very accurate in my case.

bobs Just read your post. My marriage was always volatile in some ways too and so I wouldn't say we had years of happiness at all. More moments of happiness in busy lives. We had DD within a few months of marrying, lived in London in a small flat and it certainly wasn't all rosy. Like you, we built lives together though and rode over the rough times for the children's sake as much as our own. I remember reading an article once about an interview with a couple celebrating 60 years of marriage. I laughed because she said in the interview that the '70s were tough.' I remember thinking that even though we had tough times, at least they hadn't lasted a whole decade! I'm hoping that HRT will stand by what he's agreed financially - who knows whether he will.

I think perhaps the older we are then the harder the prospect of dating probably becomes. I'm 49 and have to say it's a terrifying prospect. I know a lady though who got married recently in her mid 60s. Her husband had died when her children were quite young and she stayed single for years and years. She met a widower - I think by joining a choir - and they are now seem blissfully happy. Walk around hand in hand. I'm not really saying I even want that again but it's heartwarming to know it can happen perhaps.

I'm desperate to be settled somewhere of my own now. I feel differently about the house now it's not 'mine' in the same way as it was.

HRT has turned up like father of the year today. Beer for the DD's bf and our son. He's just started cooking dinner - having been out and bought it. He looks exhausted though. Deep breath, happy families here I come......

Hi all, had a better day today mentally, been doing various bits and pieces. Ran into a friend I haven't seen for ages, so have arranged a get together.

Posting this song as I like its cynicism. It's for all those who have been cheated on. You know that period when you know there's something going on but the buggers think they are being so bloody clever by hiding the evidence. Not so clever though that we don't know, it's just that we can't prove it. Which is not the same thing. What a bunch of tossers! Couldn't you just smack them in the face for the time wasted on trying to find the evidence. If if if I ever got involved with a man again and I had my suspicions, that would be enough. Gut instinct is all I need. I wouldn't waste my time again.

Ain't No Doubt

Oh, I'm going to be single forever, by choice! One look at my mother tells me all I need to know about getting into relationships later in life-- and it's not pretty.
My friendships with women I have known have deepened. One friend was a business acquaintance of my husband in Japan. Our husbands were friends. She has fully supported me in my decision to leave him and is coming to stay with me for 3 weeks in the summer holidays with her 3 children. All of us plus the aupair in my council house. I can't think of anything more fun.
Another spinster-type friend of mine is visiting from Europe at the end of the summer. She is fluent in the aupair's language having been raised in the same country for many years. I'm imagining lots of late night cups of tea and perhaps some drinks.
I'll be spending the rest of my days like this.

Where is everyone tonight? Too early for the "late shift" ladies

I had my first night out tonight .. 9 weeks on, and some wine which I'm now beginning to regret as I can't drink .... Needless to say found myself in toilets trying to ring h and texted him to meet me arrrrrghghhhhhh ... Was going to say Happy Anniversary for Monday but decided against it,lol ... How pathetic am I ... H texted me back to say 'sorry am having poker night and been drinking' seriously can I post my phone to one of you ladies ?
Met his best mate earlier that he's staying with who despite being relatively impartial, hurt me like hell when he said h says the marriage is over. Like did he live with him for 20 + years, yes my fucking no6 has left me and told me it's over but why do you feel the need to rub salt in the wounds just because I said I still loved him.... Go and have your twatty poker night and hope you're all very fecking happy you miserable middle aged selfish, arrogant, sad bastards !!!!! Scuse the tipsy. Sore head rant .... Will read all posts when sober and more capable of listening to reason xx

Im jumping in! Hi all

Not divorced as yet but in the process of getting my life together away from this nightmare that my life has become around him.

I'm 6months pregnant and we have an 18months old son. Married 3yrs - Together 8yrs...victim of a water torturer/covert abuser/gaslighter and just about to give up on it all after a terrible night.

Barmaid please just get me an Izzy'

xxxx

ALI Everyone has been there and we don't always have to be drunk to do it- we can manage that perfectly sober or angry or whatever other reason.....

to quote Ke$ha " Got my drunk text on , I'll regret it in the mornin'" ......

So what? Move on.... I know what you mean though by the "new supporters" who know nothing really about what has gone on - last night I was feeling strongly like messaging the person mine is staying with and other of his family members telling them what he said about them only a short time ago! (And its not good!) ..

Hope you don't have a headache!

Morning everyone. Just had a quick catch up.

fairy you are very brave, not sure I will ever be ready to go back out there into dating land. I've followed the dating thread and some of the stories and fuckwittery going on has completely put me off. Like they say on there, you really do need a tough hide to manage it. Something I don't have yet.

Still working on me, have been doing a lot of reading on baggage reclaim, Natalie is amazing isn't she. I have signed up to do the "unwritten letters" on her site. Realised I have a lot of letters to write and going to tackle those one at a time, see where I am then.

Stuck in a continuing loop re: H. Sometimes I am really sad and miss what we had, others I remember what he put me through during the time we were together and know there is no going back. What I want from him is a complete overhaul of his personality and behaviour and I honestly do not believe he is capable of it.

My night out was a disappointment, and just wasn't in the mood and all those separate (unattractive) divorced men in town was just depressing. One thing is clear hanging around in town centre bars isn't going to be the way I meet someone, I will have to give on-line dating a go at some point, but not yet.

This morning I need to buy a dog crate for the car to replace the one H has taken because he's bitter that he's got to start again furnishing a house etc. You'd think that would be a pleasure for him, considering he's got what he wanted now.

That was supposed to read "desperate (unattractive) divorced men"

bitby hi. I am sorry you're going through this at such a vulnerable time in your life. Have you got RL support? If you do, please lean on everyone and accept every offer of help. Don't be proud!

You can't give up however tempting it is. I have had days waking up thinking I will not be able to get out of bed today and then one of the children needs me and I get up. They are a blessing because they need you to function. But it is so hard so as I said please reach out for help.

I delayed on kicking my ex out because I didn't think I could do it on my own. What a mistake that was. It is so much easier parenting alone than parenting with that idiot. I hope you find the same.

Everyone else - hi. Does the bar do coffee this early? I need one.

Family Americano for me please :)

Bitby Sorry I missed your post, like family says I hope you have lots of RL support, it must be daunting, but better for all three of you long term x

Hello, bit my love, you are so welcome, so sorry you're having to deal with such a prize bastard of a man. That's a difficult decision when you are in your situation, so it must be pretty bad for you, do you have RL support?

Are you going to leave the home or ask him to? Please ensure you are safe.
We are here to offer advice or just a hand to hold when you need it.

Take care of yourself and your little one, well done for having the balls to recognise an abusive, controlling excuse for a man, and not accepting that vile treatment any longer.

Hi family honey, the bar dispenses anything and everything you need at any time, < if only that were true in RL>

How are you my lovely?

Sorry that your night out didn't 'float your boat' braving , but still, it's still a chance to get out and enjoy yourself, maybe you should just forget about finding 'Mr not bad' for now, as you say, you're probably not going to find him in a bar. You're young and gorgeous and have plenty of time to meet someone else.

I, on the other hand, am an old gimmer, so you should see the gene pool I have to choose from, < bald, beer belly, no teeth >