this is a rhetorical question really, but why is he bitter that I've got the things he chose to leave behind, I'm supposed to be the one whose bitter surely? He's supposed to have what he wanted
Is it because they realise just how much they have given up? I definitely read somewhere that this is one of the reasons affairs don't often last once they are "legitimised". Just how great does a relationship have to be to willingly give up so much? I don't think they realise the full extent of that until it's too late, and then they often have no choice in the matter, as can be seen on this thread, for example, when considering how many exes wouldn't have their partners back. I think also, even if they appear to be happy, they then see the ex happy, yet the ex didn't have to give up all of those things to achieve it. That's how I think they view it. Obviously where abuse was originally involved, the reasons are different. But in Braving's case that doesn't appear to have been an issue.
Thank you for your support, people, all this shit, it's just one thing after another. I know my situation is better than most on here, and I know we shouldn't invite comparisons blah blah blah. So I will have a good whinge. I'm sick of having to tackle new things, I'm sick of feeling tired, I'm sick of the fact that I'm not eating properly purely because I can't be bothered to cook or even prepare food. I'm sick of knowing that this will cause my appetite to dwindle and it will become an issue, I'm sick of the fact that loads of my clothes don't fit, I'm sick of looking tired, I'm sick of there being too much to do, I'm sick of worrying about my kids' futures which has absolutely nothing to do with twunt but just generally, I'm sick of that arse wipe still being in my life, still having a key to here, still using this address when it suits, and being such a prick that he has nothing better to do than order fucking permits when he could just use the local amenities where he lives. Basically, this is all such a gruelling process in all sorts of ways, and I'm just tired.
On another day I would be all woo look how much I've achieved. And I'm not going to be beaten with getting things done. Before he left I set out how I wanted this place to be, it was well overdue being done due to the shittty years leading up to him leaving. Well I'm not going to live like that any longer. The last decision he made about my life was when he decided to end my marriage. He most definitely doesn't get to decide what my house looks like. He can go fuck himself to the end of fuck and then fuck off some more, and repeat as nauseum.
I'm starting to feel a bit better. This morning I was going to post in reply to something Green said about doing something for yourself! giving yourself a treat. What I was going to say was that I had started to look at myself as a project in itself. I was unhappy about my weight loss so once my appetite was back I went on a feed me up diet eating a load of shit that would help me gain weight quicker. I then looked at my tiredness and started to relax more and tried to have early nights and to take a tonic. The tonic remains untouched and the early nights are rare, but that's my next mission. However, I rest a lot more now. There are lots of little things I have in mind to do to make me feel better about myself, or to make my life easier at home, even if it's just something daft like when I ordered another plastics recycling box because I'm sick of having to spend time packing the one box like a bloody suitcase each week because it's not big enough. All little things that make my life easier or make me feel better in myself. So what I was going to say is that doing these things has helped me to feel better. Clearly not always, like tonight, but generally yes.
I spoke to DS1 today about his dad. He said that a number of his friends who have divorced parents lose contact with the one who has left. I asked how he felt about that prospect, and he said he accepted that as highly likely, and that he wasn't really bothered by it, that's life, as he sees it. A sad reflection on matters, really, but one of the predictions I made was that he would lose contact with his kids. He's made noises to DS2 about them going out for a meal or going bowling, and said they should give him some dates to coordinate. DS2 hasnt exactly leapt on it. I know it's difficult to coordinate stuff with the two of them, but all the same, as an absent parent he should be being more proactive. I'm not having that conversation with him again though. However I put it, he will later go into victim mode. Quite frankly, if my sons have little interest in seeing their father, it means I don't have to suffer the bugger on the very occasions when I least want to see him eg weddings. Not a very generous thought, but that's the honest truth of the matter. As long as my sons are fine, that's all that matters.
Hopefully I will feel more positive tomorrow.
I will head up the new thread when this one gets near the end. I will just add a sentence or two to what's already in the opening post.
Thinking of all of you, especially those with significant dates of one sort or another looming.
Tomorrow I'm going to stop smoking in my kitchen. I spent all that time doing it, and I'm smoking like a chimney in it. I hate myself for it, and mostly hate the thought of having to paint it all again.