HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Yes Roz time marches on - 12 weeks for me since he left home without saying anything..... still living in a relative's spare room .... Sorry about your Dad :-(

Did cross my mind yesterday despite the situation and off days I am actually a bit more relaxed in some ways - was I under that much stress trying to support this person all the time and not knowing if I was succeeding? It's an interesting thought ...

Just spoke to DH on phone about money and stuff, ended up being upset and asking is there any hope that he might change his mind, he said no straight away, he got all shirty etc, I ended up texting him saying that I've given him over half my life and I can't just be expected to pick myself up and carry on like nothing's fucking happened, I don't deserve his agitation because I don't understand any of it, he's text back that he's sorry, but why be such a heartless wanker in the first place, if I was him I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror, he just won't communicate about anything it's so bloody hurtful and unfair

Well, I could see it living and it made me chortle
And what's with saying I can't do IT gubbins, calling me Thicko McThicky eh?

roz you sound like an amazing lady, and your ex sounds like a total arse.
My ex did the counselling 'thing' for months as well, as the poor poppet was distressed about getting older, and had some 'ishoos' about dying prematurely.

So I think his counsellor told him to ' make himself happy' also, and now it was time to do things 'for him' as he was so invested in making us his priority < huh? What priority? Going to work? >

I don't really think she meant go and dip your wick in some Lycra clad back stabbing bitch, and then leave your family, but hey-ho what do I know?
I'm not Sigmund Freud, I'm just hobbit. KOKO all.

frizzy big hugs to you because I did exactly the same. They just seem to be able to flick a switch whereas we strangely enough ( duh ) can't. I don't understand how they throw away everything either. Well in my case he wants dd but not me or ds apparently. At the start, like you we were still talking ... Well I was, he just went along with it. I think there comes a point when you will have better days and if he isn't quite the heartless bastard mine is the contact will be less personal to them ... If you know what I mean ? I wish so much I could be like others on here and have balls of steel but so far I can't find that, but don't worry we can help each other along.
I had been doing well for all of umm 2 days lol of no contact but I guess we just start over and over until we eventually get there.

Feeling so sad as our Anniversary is Monday but just remembering the build up to getting married and thinking and believing that this man was my soulmate and best friend. So much to cope with, with DM and DAd I'll and dd so emotionally wrecked. Really want to runaway on Monday and be by myself.

Roz Im glad to see you, been wondering how you have been getting on. You sound stronger :)

Ali I truly believed in mine too on the day. I remember seeing him there as I walked up the aisle and just wanting to rush up and kiss and hug him. Never ever thought he would make me feel as low and so undesired or unloved as he did

Is anyone else a bit sad seeing David Cameron and Ed Milliband walking around with their wives and opening car doors for them and holding hands and putting their arms around them. I'm just sad that my H didn't show me that care and respect and love. Silly I know, usually ok seeing others with their partners.

Cassa it's a show for the cameras. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors

Ali thinking of you this weekend. My anniversary was Monday, but I found the weekend more difficult than the actual day, because I married on a Saturday. It will set you back emotionally, but as I found, and iwas too, it doesn't set you back for long. Fingers crossed for your dad, and hopefully other experiences of this will help reassure you. I'm so sorry DD has kicked off again. Hold on in there, and don't forget it's always worse when it's a girl, and a teenage one at that.

Hobbit the counselling experience! the same thing happened to a friend of mine, her ex. The counsellor seemed to push him into giving up everything in his life that was causing him stress, including his job and his family. And he never recovered from either. Some counsellors!

frizzy I feel for you. They can't and won't give answers, because quite frankly they don't really have any, except that they've lost the plot. Once you realise you're not dealing with a rational person, I think maybe you start some sort of acceptance. Well, that's how I've viewed it. The man I married no longer exists.

Roz another advert for some counsellors. Not! I'm glad you no longer see it as your duty to deal with his issues.

Green thinking of you. There were a number of points in your posts, and will come back to them later.

I will work my way back through the other posts later. KOKO all xx

frizzy that should be accept and not except

Cassawoof - I feel sad about that kind of thing all the time. And often a kind of rage about it all. I see couples out together and think "why the fuck are you so happy". I probably need to think about counselling!!

My 20th wedding anniversary coming up in a few weeks, he couldn't get his words out as he was crying, will never forget that till the day I die, he's been an arsehole to me today, got my sons new lady here at moment, still getting to know each other, just feel so sadxxxx

Decision made in terms of separation or divorce, he was supposed to sell our caravan, and has instead traded it in for another one for his holidays with her and her offspring, and I only found out when the new insurance certificate (in my name and his) landed on the doormat today. He had no intention of giving me any money.

I phoned him and he went into defensive mode, shouted about how paid the finance and he hasn't taken anything from the house (Hasn't asked for anything) and I've done things to the house without asking him (I haven't I told him in advance).

To be honest I think he's annoyed I've started sorting the house out, I've packed his things and I'm getting on with my life without him, and he's done this out of spite. There's no way he's going to start to take furniture from my daughters home, and if he wants to have a relationship with her he won't try.

He put the phone down on me, so I won't be contacting him, he'll have to contact me first when he wants to speak to dd. I've made a solicitors appointment for next week and will just send him a message to say I'm going, I'm starting divorce proceedings and it's in everyone's interest to sort things out asap, I'm not having his rants and put downs now about money, I don't need to put up with it now. The sooner I'm separated from him financially the better.

Money and the fact that he feels he's contributed more financially has been a recurring point of contention for years (something I won't miss), the fact is he has no idea how much it actually costs to run a house, clothe a growing child, food costs etc. he's the one with the designer clothes, expensive car, expensive watch and latest iphone not me, he's got a shock coming.

Oh, and he's now moved in with her.

frizzy he couldn't get his words out as he was crying, will never forget that till the day I die,

when you were getting married? Mine too !!

Evening all. Apologies, I haven't read back posts. Will do later but hope everything is ok or at least bearable with everyone? I've had a shitty week at work with one thing and another and rushed home to get DS2 sorted for prom. He looked fab - all grown up. Took lots of pictures. Other DC home too. He chose DS1 to drive him and so they've just set off. My gorgeous boys. I'm sitting here crying though as I overheard boys chatting. DS2 said he wished his dad was here to see them off. DS1 said, 'never mind you've got me.' I don't know why I'm so upset really- was just an off the cuff comment but it touched me somehow, the way he said it. DS1 is nineteen and worth a million of his father. HRT doesn't deserve his children and they deserve better. Feel guilty that I chose so badly. He didn't even text or ring to wish DS2 a good evening and I don't even know what part of the country he's in tonight. How did it get to this... I know it's not a big deal in the scheme of things- just a teenage prom- but it's really affected me. My dad rang to wish him a good evening and my DD's bf sent him a text. I can honestly say that I've never felt hatred for anyone in my life but am beginning to feel it for H. Going to have to dry those tears though as need to see to drive as off to the shops. A house full This weekend will keep me busy no doubt. As always writing feelings down on here seems to help. Catch up later. KOKO xx

I just feel numb. I had the big 30th anniversary last weekend, and I had the text about the permit which annoyed me. But now I just feel numb. I've read all the posts today, all the ones about people being devastated about their broken marriages, and I just can't relate to any of it at the moment. I wonder why they are upset, I just don't get it. I assume I've just had an overload of everything and I'm just shutting down at the moment.

I've started painting what was our bedroom, because I would like to get the floor varnished in a fortnight's time, when I'm off. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the room. Because of the layout, I can't put a bed anywhere than where it was. That is the one room where I would like to change the layout. I would like to move into the room but I don't. It's not a family area, is it? Im going to put a tv in it, DS2 has an old one. I may just move the single bed in for a time, until it really feels like my own space. It may be that when the floor is varnished it will be completely different. But at the moment, I just don't know. All I know is that I want him out of my life. The idea of filing for divorce and having done is appealing more and more. The thought of him coming round here to collect that bloody permit, the thought that he now has a reason to come round, when he didn't until a week or so ago.....I don't like it.

1 I entirely understand about the prom. The boys look so grown up, as you say, and it's another rite of passage. He wasn't there to see him off last year, either, although just the usual work stuff, which is clearly more important than seeing your youngest going off, even though you have already seen him in his evening suit.

The way the rest of your family have marked the occasion for him is heartwarming, and bodes well for the future.

Braving good for you - you keep the moral high ground as you have so far.

I think he went into defensive mode I suggest at some point (as and when he contacts you of course ) that he removes you from the caravan insurance (will probably cost him more) or you could phone them yourself and explain the situation if he doesn't do it - i did! Oh - and if it has come to your house, well he doesn't live there any more so he needs to change the address on the insurance - another admin fee!
Of course the caravan itself will become part of the asset pot.

1 yes proms are important things for DC and a lot of men just don't get it. It's good that DD2 had DD1 there for support and to drive him. Sounds like they're getting the message of things to come though

Izzie just take a bit of a break. No-one expects you to relate to or answer the posts on here - I stopped doing that a while ago as I realise that others were better equipped/had more experience of/emotionally in a better place to reply than I.

Good grief woman - your pad is going to be like a little palace when you're done I think you're getting a massive build-up up of emotion and don't know how to deal with it - I empathise with that (rollercoaster and all that!) Perhaps a night out with friends might help???

Izzie again I had written out a long post but lost connection and post. I just want you to know that I'm full of admiration for you, yes you have bumps but on the whole you kick ass ! I just want you to know that Yep I'm finding today a struggle already. I feel I let myself down badly by ranting at him last night for following fecking "Hooters" on Twitter but I was just enraged. He never ever would have done something like that before and yes it's incredibly trivial but dd is a massive Twitter person. I told him she would be disgusted and he denied knowing what I was talking about ( I took screenshot ) and today of course it's disappeared so something must have yanked his chain ! But then I only went and made it worse by spilling my guts about my worries of Mum and Dad and dd and he texted back how he hoped they'd be ok then the unforgivable ... I told him I was still devastated and of course, no reply. I keep trying not to cry as don't want to upset dd but on the way back from a make up buying session ? (Big night out tomorrow night) I found myself chatting to her about her Dad and a place we passed that had good memories. She listened but didn't speak. I know the anniversary thing is really hard but I just wonder if he is even thinking about me and the life we had planned and as far into the dc leaving home and us going travelling.
According I can't say anything other than that's totally it, I feel unloved and thrown away.
Braving can I have some of your strength please ?!

Ali Didn't feel that strong earlier but friends have said they've seen a change in me and I've got lots of support.

I phoned the insurance company and got them to take my name off the policy, you'd have thought he'd have had the sense to do that himself and change the address.

I hope she was listening when he was ranting because that was a display of his worst side, which she'll get to see when day to day reality sets in and they're struggling financially.

Interesting also the caravan thing, clearly they're going to be having the holidays he wants, his interests from day one. I on the other hand can go where the hell I like, finances permitting.

I'm 100% certain I don't want him back now whatever, so that's a positive step forward of sorts.

He seems to begrudge me having the house and contents while he has to start again - DOH that's what happens when you leave your family for a tramp.

He needs me to facilitate access to dd, and to release him from the mortgage, I don't need him for anything.

Braving you are getting stronger and setting yourself free of him must be very liberating.
I'm so glad you have lots of support. I think that's a huge help. Unfortunately I'm very quiet and have a very small group of friends. I come on here rather than have to talk to them about what's going on. My own brother hasn't even had the balls to talk to me about the separation ... He didn't particularly like my h but I thought he would at least check if I was ok.
If I meet new friends then that's the one good thing that will come from this mess. Keep doing whatever it is you're doing as it seems to be working xx

Ali You don't need lots of friends, just a few good ones. I'm lucky to work with some amazing people, and I appear to be getting custody of his family, I know I'm very lucky. I also have a wonderful daughter who had been so strong, she's an inspiration.

Your brother should hang his head in shame, my brothers in law have been better than that.

Roz Good to see you again, you're making great inroads into building a new life for yourself! Well done you. As for him, you must feel under great pressure, and it must be quite distracting for you. I'm afraid, I agree that he's brought this on himself, and this is your opportunity to excel. I very much doubt a counsellor will have told him to leave his wife - read 'Why do they do that' for the author's experience of how bullies manipulate counselling to your disadvantage.

Green I shall have a think about something I can do for me. No bath so that's out and I have a very norty cat so flowers are out, but I am having a glass of wine.

Toast you are not alone in hating the world and his dog about coupledom! I spent a rather surreal day at a beach with a friend me old, cynical and bitter about marriage, needless to say there were tears and laughter involved. I'm afraid having a failed marriage means you look at things A LOT differently.

Braving good decision, I feel.

Izzie Be kind to yourself. I think it's perfectly normal not to be able to relate to others when you're having a torrid time of it yourself, and anniversaries are always hard to get through. You're amazingly insightful and a great bar runner, but don't feel that you have to reply to every post. Sometimes it's really hard to think of what to say to someone, we all wish we had a magic wand so that we could heal the next poster along, until someone invents one, we can just hope that collectively we can help, even if individually there's little we can do.

Ali I think depression is normal, though. It's a response to sustained pressure (huh!) and I don't know many women (and quite a few men) who haven't had it after some catastrophy (divorce, business failure, losing job etc), or major change in their life (birth, retirement) or because of some other cause e.g SAD. The responsible thing to do, of course, to seek help. Your twunt is a cunt for using it against you.

1 It's good your feelings are changing towards your ex - I bet he's had you to rely on as the 'proper parent' for a long time.

Sakura I'm with you, when I'm busy, I'm not struggling so much but as soon as there's a lull, then I crash down again. I think it's good that we are aware it's always lingering. I'm lucky in that I have friends I can talk to about it so keep working on building a network when you settle in (I'm assuming that recently returning here means you've lost touch with a lot of people).

Wise I hope you're okay. When is your next birthday? (ish)