HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

family - yes noticed the change in RL too - its almost as if you've had your time can't you move on - it is only those that have been through it that get how absorbing this process is - do they not think if we could get over it we would - we do not chose to do this to ourselves. Have you come up with anything that is purely for you - something new or old revisited that could give you a bit of oomph?
But fundamentally accepting the situation as it is and making the most of it is all we can really do. and basically this is all you can do.

I have been doing some more reading and have picked up on something that says if you find things to be grateful for it alters your whole mindset - i remember having to find 3 things a day when I was in the midst of depression many years ago and not being able to get this - but now I find it works - iwas you are good at this - I have noticed it in your posts. Even in these shit times we all have things to be grateful for!

well i'm thinking of you too -your ongoing support on here is tremendous and admirable but I sense a "low" mood - I think you need to do something nice for yourself - give yourself some time off from the "wurk" and indulge yourself in something - could be anything -a nice bath & some candles, some flowers, a cake or chocolate- whatever is your thing - but I'd like you to do this and come back on here and report what you have done - something nothing to do with MN or divorce - just for yourself because you know you are worth it and we all do too! I'm sure all other ladies will support me on this and in the meantime hugs and because even mothers need some time off!xx

Morning all, just caught up with last night's posts. Thought for the day. Obviously Drifted needs to rewrite that a bit

it would have been my mums birthday today - i learnt something about her in the last 6 months that completely changed my perspective of her- she struggled with mental health problems for most of her life and most people i think viewed her as being weak - myself at times too! But knowing what I now know she was far from weak - she has inspired me to do what I need to do for my kids and there is a significance that I am seeing SHL today!
for my mum .
KOKO everyonexx

go izzie - pink shoes & dave strutt for shl today i think!

bobs yes it runs out before birthday - X has assumed it is just carrying on but as he wants to be difficult I can be too so will be talking about this today. Kids are old enough but they are being put in the middle - and bobs he is still exerting control over them in a manipulative way. They dont quite see this or perhaps dont want to see this - they both know his behaviour towards me is wrong they must be questioning how far his "loyalty" to them stretches - so far not far enough!

Fairy Iwas Same boat here, H has already told dd she'll be able to visit him anytime she wants to once he moves in with that tramp and her offspring, she doesn't want to and there's no way it's happening until she's 100% sure, he'll have to wait.

green Our Mums are so precious to us and I really feel for you. I hope that one day my dd realises too that someone, excuse me .. I am not weak because I have suffered from depression greatly. I hate that society in general view depression as weakness and a reason to alienate them. Or in my case use it to manipulate it for their own gain .. To say I am an unfit Mother because I suffer from depression. How many people can truly say that they haven't had depression in some form at some point in their lives ? I get tagged by h as "fucking mental" and now dd using his words and saying I'm "mentally unstable" and should stop acting like I'm the victim in all this. How many women here or indeed men have felt absolute despair or depression in not only this process but at some other point in your life ? green just touched on an incredibly soft spot and I admire her for realising that sometimes depression can make you stronger than those around you because you are a fighter who constantly battles an illness that you're not supposed to talk about. I think what I'm trying to say is that despite and I hate the phrase 'Mental illness ' because it separates you from others with an illness that somehow is more acceptable... Anyway for the record I'd like to say that mostly my h was the cause of my MI with his bullying and abuse. My only weakness is that despite this, I still rather strangely love him.
What a weird post for this time of morning... Feel free to ignore, just touched a spot in me that I felt gave a lot of Mums a bum deal. Xxx

Depression has lifted since leaving H. I feel it may creep back once the excitement of the new home has passed and the dust has settled, but I've got a feeling my new job and the live-in aupair will help. I'm a firm believer that depression is situational. Look how fucked up the word is, for a start. 1 in 4 American women take drugs because they can't face looking at the world for what it is.

world

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1090610630964710&set=a.255744124451369.84144.100000473516330&type=1

fail

Ha ha, I luffs that one, living , well I would wouldn't i?

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enormous fail -I'll get me coat then-

Finding myself in the land of Hobbit IT

Hobbit not sure which is funnier, my attempt at IT or the picture I cant put on here, hope you're doing ok

I can see it!

Yes it works semtex . Perhaps in your case Hobbit lycra should be substituted for tin foil

I was doing a bit of reading yesterday (now know all I need to on the process of arbitration). I came across psychological manipulation. I know it's just a tag, but quite relevant in a lot of posters' situations re them and their DC. If they can't manipulate their wives, they do their best with the DC. I had this a lot during my marriage, as eventually did my DDs. I would say that they understood what was happening by 16/17 years old and how they were being used.

Anyway ex's GF didn't get in as an MP so that's one of my cunning plans knocked on the head to make him shift his arse

It's hard to jump back into this thread when I haven't posted all week. It's such a busy thread, like a fast flowing river, all the posts go by while I'm dithering about trying to dip my toe in.

H has been in touch a lot this week, long, sad texts Tuesday, more practical ones Wednesday, phone call of misery and many texts yesterday. Culminating in a shared video of a sad song, which I watched with tears running down my face. But I certainly won't watch it again.

Basically I am working hard at my job, building my role, taking any extra hours, learning any tasks I get the chance to and grabbing any opportunity that comes along. I am also exploring my interests and doing activities I've longed to and loving it. I've taken back my control over my diet, after having been under a microscope regards to my weight for nearly 2 decades. Eating healthily and feeling energetic. Of course it's not all positive, my dad died 10 weeks ago, I've still got all the legalities of divorce and settlement to go through and it's also a major adjustment being on my own after 18 years of marriage.

H is filled with regrets and pain. Struggling to come off ADs, crying over everything. Feeling like his life is empty. At last realising how much I did that he took for granted. Even recognising his abuse. Etc etc.

Well I don't like to hear him so miserable, but wtf did he expect? At least he's not wanting to come back, he is focussing on getting his flat sorted and spending time with the DC & GC. The ones who will spend time with him at any rate.

He has spent years and years thinking he is the big I Am. His needs and whims paramount. He'd tell me he did everything round here, I contributed nothing. He honestly believed he was superior to me and anything regrettable he did (cheat, violence) was caused by me.

I don't want to hear all this though, it makes me feel sad. He's trying again to put his emotions on my shoulders because he doesn't know how to deal with them himself. But when he walked out he also walked out on my love and support. Wonder why he doesn't seek out OW and look for her support? I'm guessing because he realises that a woman who'd walk out on her 3 children for a married man might just not Be There for him now it's not fun and exciting anymore.

Both cheaters lost their homes, their families and their exciting romance. So sad.....

Roz so pleased for you that you are getting your life back on track and you are sounding really positive. It's understandable that you still feel sorry for him, but at some point you will have to tell him to stop using you as a prop and get his support from elsewhere as how he feels has nothing to do with you anymore. Perhaps counselling or his friends? They caused this, they have to deal with the fallout and it's not your responsibility anymore.

but then you knew this anyway didn't you 'coz you are moving on

Morning bobs, nice to see you.

I have encouraged him to go for more counselling, but I do wonder what good it did him. His counsellor encouraged him to leave, thinking he would then be a happy man, me being the problem and all. "You've voted with your feet!" He congratulated him when H said he'd leased a flat. Next time he saw him, H was barely functioning, in pieces and counsellor was shocked and clueless. Guess that's why he hadn't been back, realised the counsellor was out of his depth.

He has no friends. Not a one.

Great to read how positive you are feeling Roz Good for you x

Morning WiseOne, hope you're doing ok? The weeks soon pass don't they? 11 weeks, this weekend, since he sent the marriage ending text, 10 weeks since my Dad died, time remorselessly marches on. Hopefully time is a great healer, but it takes time to pass. So to speak.

Fecking exclamation marks keep popping up, they're like weeds. Uproot one and several others appear!