HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Wanna put Jess in a Jane Austen style bonnet now, but I haven't got one

Just use a lamp shade!

I can see the ex here going off on one, when he too realises that he no longer has financial control. Again, as someone said earlier about the thread, it's so helpful. Forewarned is forearmed

Hello lovelyiwas, thank you for your nice comment, I am great aren't i?
Tee HEE , I may have had wine, x

How are the < quiet whisper, so Jess doesn't hear> kittens?

Bold fail!

NO CATS OR KITTENS ALLOWED!!!!!!!

Please go to iwas thread to have that discussion.....

Good idea, izzie my darling, one of those with the little tassels all around it, oh wait, I havent got one of those either,

Oh ok, will do, < taps nose> off I go to see iwas x

Tassels or not I think a lampshade is a step too far, even for you

Hobbit

Oh dear Jess

Get thee to Ebay

So, HobbitLegend , if you find a bonnet for Jess, will you be renaming her JEmma ?

What's FF's sol like? Is he one of those shitty combative ones or a reasonable one? I'm with WWK . Just leave him to stew for a bit, and with enough people telling him the same thing he might get the lightbulb moment that "fair and equitable" works both ways

Wot, no kittens?

NOOOOOOOOO it is cute though

WWK get outa my pub!!!!!!

You're a fucking disgrace as the great orator would say

We're going to be a doggy family again on Monday - I'm looking after a friend's Red Setter for the day. Never met a Red Setter before, but can't be that different from a Lab. DD2 very excited and wants to stay off school If it goes ok we might get to look after the dog for 2 weeks in August

Heybobs, I like that! Jess won't though, you'll be in her bad books, so be afraid, be VERY afraid.....

FF's sol is a woman! A large, brassy blonde, well I think he's got the same one, he did mention something about changing,

He also said he was altering his form E, but wouldn't let me see it until I showed him mine

Roll on Tuesday, I'm sick of the fucker,

Alright, no kittens then.

Damn and fuckety fuck, just wrote a post and it deleted itself !
Izzie and Hobbit you are 2 legends ! Promise I won't put my cat pics on again.... Unless it's shitting on a photo of h !
Everyone is struggling and posting today, I have no pearls of wisdom as I am obviously too "mentally unstable" to give advice lol
WA cancelled as girl is sick, what a bloody cheek ... I really needed a good rant ( jokes obs ), just need to rant. Fuckwit actually beeped the horn repeatedly when I was in drive earlier to get my attention. Wants me to sign forms so ds can reclaim some money for uni, what with him fucking off apparently that's him doing ds a good turn. I looked over the papers and the bastard had deliberately left dd off as being my dependant ! Found out he hasn't been paying for the horse but of course he didn't tell dd this. And right how sick is this. I was owed final costs from my medical negligence claim ( misdiagnosis of my brain tumour) Well my Mum had lent me £1000 to pay for a medical report but said she was happy to wait and be paid back last. He must have been in touch with the Solicitor as I got an email saying that either the cheque had to be made out to both of us or he had to ok it going to me to give back to my Mum. So he tells me tonight " but I've got bills to pay" and wants half !!!! What a low life scroat, and to top it off my Dad just told me he is getting a biopsy because they think he has skin cancer on his head ( on top of Mums renal failure ) And this fucker wants his £500 that he knows was a loan from my dear Mum. Please God let there be some karma in this life and may he be trampled on by a fucking Mountie in Canada.
could he be a bigger arse wipe of a really shitty arsehole
Please humbly accept my apologies but if it were not for this group I think I would go over and stab him in both eyes with a fork lol
Rant over

Well I do hope you told him where to go Ali ? He has no right to any of this money if it is needed to pay back a loan as there is a link to the money being borrowed and then needing to be repaid to the lender. And whoever's sol he contacted was probably not told the full story.

i'm sending a sweet little song, just for you and all other Twunts on here

So WWK thinks she can win us dog lovers over by posting pics of cute lille kittens However the 2nd pic shows what they grow up into

oh Ali her really is a twat. You rant away.
As for your medical negligence money...ask your solicitor about putting it in a trust. You should be able to draw down from it but it should make it harder I believe for the twat to get at it.
So sorry to hear about your dad...my mum had a skin cancer on her head and it was treated successfully. Hope your mums ok. It is tough having your parents health worries on top of everything else. Sending you hugs xx
Keep wishing for karma...you never know.

wwk...love the kitten photo.

Some of the recent posts feel like they've been written by me. It's like you've read my mind. The divorce feels like white noise in my head all the time. I go to bed with it and wake up with it.

I'm constantly looking at other people and thinking why can't my life be normal ...but was it ever normal. Trying to accept that most of it was all lies is so hard. I can't wait for 'meh'.

Evey where I look there are happy families and I'm jealous. That's all I ever wanted and he's handing my 'happy family' over to the OW.

I've even had thoughts that perhaps I should just let him have the girls and I should walk away...because they can provide a stable family etc etc but then I slap myself and think no, fuck them, I'll fight. But it does wear you down. I feel like I've had all the life sucked out of me but I keep going. While I was out today I looked into a mirror and my god do I look ill. The person staring back at me actually shocked me. This is what he has done. I feel like I've aged so quickly. He abandoned me while I was ill and showed such a lack of compassion. He just expected me to carry on and I suppose that's what I've done. Struggle after struggle, attack after attack. Still holding on, wondering just how vicious he will get.

I haven't spent anything on myself for months so I'm going to have my hair done later today. I'll ask the hairdresser to cover the mirror because I can't bare to look at the person staring back at me. I've put on a stone because of my medication and my face is so puffy...I know I've got no choice but to stay on the medication but I keep thinking about the OW and how young and pretty she is and it rips me apart.

And I know that he was the abuser, I know that I should detach, I know he wasn't good for me but do I wish I could go back and at least try to save my marriage. God I sound like a fool.

The future feels bleak...every day is one more day closer to having to hand my girls over to a person that I do not know.

Why do I keep losing My posts ... Anyway I'll be quick
bobs will make that my new ring tone for the h !
why... You and I will kick ass... Like The Professionals, you can be Bodie, I'll be Doyle.... Because we can get them sorted.
It's really pissed me off because I had written a big long post to you but I'll make you laugh instead. I don't go on Twitter very much but for some reason I did earlier and there in black and white was h following Hooters calendar !!!! Once I stopped laughing, I just couldn't resist messaging him and being all sanctimonious ( like himself) and reminding him that his dd was always on Twitter and would probably vomit if she saw that. He came back all " I don't even know what you're talking about" but I found him and Sussed him ... Even took a screenshot to laugh at when he gets me down !

You and me against the pigs lol

Hobbit you are great and lovely too, you all are. Good luck for next week, sorry you've had more nonsense from you ex.

The kittens are fine thank you.

and hugs xx

Ali rant away, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time and can understand why you need to rant. Your ex is a total arse, he really is. I am sorry about you dad but please try not to worry too much. A relative of mine has had skin cancer several times on his head and it's been a very minor procedure to remove it each time and he is fine.

WhyMe you are a strong woman to be holding on after everything that he has put you through. OW might be young and pretty but she's a nasty, heartless woman and you are worth a hundred of her.

You are not a fool; you love the man you married and wanted your marriage to work, there is nothing foolish about you. The only fool is him.

It's a question of "when" my daughter meets OW not "if". I don't want it to happen and neither does our daughter but when he moves in properly with OW my daughter's not going to have a choice, she will inevitably meet her. My husband is in bed with OW a stone's throw from where I am and my daughter's going to end up spending time with her at some point.

What was wrong with our life, why wasn't it enough for him?

I'm going to go back to bed now and try and get an hours sleep.

KOKO everyone, but shit this is hard x

morning all - an early start for me - hobbit & izzie you have made me laugh with your kitty chat! I'm definitely a dog person!

i thought of you too hobbit when your X said he wanted to talk - the one and only time my X said that was to tell me that I could claim on the critical illness policies! says it all - only interested in the money!

why i'm thinking of you - for you and a big hug! I wish I was close to deliver this personally! somewhere I once read a quote that said "you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it" - hard to beleive sometimes but why you are strong - look at yourself with pride and compassion not a critical eye - you are going through a shit time and you deserve to be sympathetic to yourself - just as you would be to anybody else - count how many days you have survived and conquered and you are still going! the families you see - they will not all be happy - look around for the strong women instead that are doing this by themselves and there will be just as many if not more! but most of all enjoy your time at the hairdressers! x