HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Well You're right, my boss asked me about my career plans and I had to say I'm not in the right place emotionally to even contemplate career progression, but in time I will be able to give me and my future more focus, I've got another 25 years till I can take my pension so I'll need a plan.

Have worked off my raging feeling by cleaning the Izmobile, I won't be parking in that spot tomorrow!

Hobbit I wouldn't reveal anything to him I would see what it is he wants to discuss and I would try to get him to do it by email. He may be looking at the least he can get away with and trying to work out what your bottom line is. There is absolutely no reason why he can't email any thoughts to you. You gained the upper hand, very much so, in mediation. Maintain that position, don't give him any chance to gain any ground. No offence, but maybe the presence of the mediator helped you, so that's why I wouldn't do anything without that. Personally, I've already decided that my negotiations will be via email, as it feel this will work best for me. I have no intention of letting him see any reactions. But that's my situation, not yours.

I am taking bets as to how far this process is going to go - kids birthday approaching and I have arranged something for them which happens to be on a night X has them but have offered him another night instead- will he agree to change - will he F88K - has told me to go via my sols with regard to the proposed contact contract he has instigated - is this putting kids first or fuckwittery for the sake of it. what he seems to forget is the current arrangement is on a trial basis and runs out next week - he has assumed it is ongoing and we all now what assume means!

somehow I get the feeling I am in for the long haul with this twunt!

fairy frizzy rant away. I agree with everything you said and that is exactly how I feel. How dare they just decide what they want is so important, and neglect to discuss it and see if it can be worked out. Apparently the kids will be fine, it is what we make it (I.e. If they're not, it's my fault as I'm the one now bringing them up on my own). But no, of course I'm not on my own, he's not abandoning us (so long as I only need help with the kids every other weekend). When he first said he was leaving he said he'd still be round to help me round the house, and seemed surprised when I said I'd never want to see him again.

WWK and braving

" the loss of a life plan and the thought of being on my own - that's a temporary thing, but one that makes us prone to having really sad/depression days. At least that's how it is for me. I think in time, new plans and aims will emerge but we're still too overshadowed by the past right now. "

It is very comforting to read this and realise that it is not just me acting like a pathetic idiot... I think I feel it acutely as I am 59, 60 later this year so feel like there are few options.

Evening all.
I know that I'm still most upset about his unilateral decision too. We were supposed to be a partnership. Our marriage had its ups and downs, as I'm sure most do, but I would never have just announced it was over without giving him/us a chance to work through the issues. I feel we had an obligation and a commitment to each other and our family. He obviously didn't.

My anxieties are now mostly over the future and the complete change of the 'life plan'. I can definitely see some strength coming through in the posts though ladies, amongst the understandable rage and sadness.

HRT is away until Saturday and all DC are home at the moment and so home is a happy place tonight. It's funny how the smallest of pleasures - a relaxed dinner with kids - can bring such pleasure these days. Talking of which, dinner ready. Will catch up later.xx

Green does the current agreement run out before the DCs birthday? What happens after that? Surely at 14 yrs old they are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do. The good thing about having older DC is he has no control over them whatsoever. KOKO

I like the idea of giving myself another year. I think the impatience I feel is partly because I have noticed a change in my friend's responses to me. A lot are still sympathetic (and I do try not to go on about it) but most say things like 'you'll meet someone else' and 'you just wait, their life will fall apart and he'll come running back' or just 'come on Family, you need to stop thinking about them and what they're doing and focus on what you're doing.' The first two examples do not help at all and the third I am desperate to do but don't really know how.

I imagine time will help, it always does doesn't it. But when you're aware of that it's hard not to just watch the clock expectantly.

Evening all

I'm not going to comment on much tonight, I'm thinking of my sanity. I've had a nice evening so far, both kids back at home, and it's such a nice atmosphere. Last night I got a few plastic boxes to sort out the tools I'm snuffling. I started organising them tonight, I'm a sad cow. I was just about to say how I enjoyed feeling I was getting one up on him, then I suddenly felt sad about it, the same as I did months ago when I started photocopying all of his pension stuff. I can't afford to think about all of this, I don't want to be doing emotions now, that's for another time. I'm not sure I will ever be able to be completely meh whilst we still have contact. I don't want to have periods of anger or bitterness, and I don't want to ever see glimpses of the man I married. This is why I want him out of my life eventually. For my own good.

I'm going to ponder a PM I received. Lots to think about but I'm a way from formulating any thoughts about it. Meantime I will go have a bath and no doubt have a snooze in there.

I completely agree Family. Actually it's other people's response that grates a bit (sounding off here rather than in real life). Who cares if I meet someone else? I might, I might not. Right now, I'm in the 'don't want to' camp. That's fine with me. The point they miss is that I feel very damaged and it will feel like that for some time. It isn't about him anymore, it's about me. About how you survive and thrive, and that's why I'm trying to persuade myself to just worry about today, tomorrow can wait. The other thing, I made the point here, is that when I read newcomers' stories and it gives me a means of measuring progress. The only thing I can think is to try and fill the time as much as possible, and saying "I am choosing to do this", and actively pushing thoughts of him out of mind. And I also force the bad moments to the front of my mind (not in a I wish I could go back there and re-handle it way) but in focusing on his features and rages and thinking 'ugh' rather than 'that's so unfair'.

I have definitely noticed a change in my emotional health when I've taken control of negative thoughts like that. Sort of embrace them but then choose to push them away. There are a couple of thoughts where I have felt a glimmer of hope so I try to save those ones up and desperately think them over when I can sense myself spiralling. It's all just so hard though isn't it! If there was nothing else to deal with maybe we could wallow for a year, travel, do whatever. But everyday life has to continue. We have children, homes, jobs, responsibilities which unlike some people we will not run away from. And then on top of all of that we are going through, or have been through, horrendous divorces. It's hard to keep your thoughts in check dealing with all of that!

But fundamentally accepting the situation as it is and making the most of it is all we can really do.

Family yes I agree, people are supportive but unless you have been in this situation you really don't know what it is like. It is probably more likely that I will find the Loch Ness Monster than have any interest in meeting another man. I would rather be by myself, I can trust myself. I won't lie, cheat, delude and make a mockery of everything I believed in.

Time does help and after initially going ever so slowly I've progressed a bit quicker than I thought I would mainly due to him being such a nasty, spiteful bastard and realising that he really wasn't worth my tears. But the one thing more than any other I would like to do with time, is rewind and erase everything he has done but I can never undo that and that is what hurts like hell.

Hi family nice to have you back in the fold, missed your thoughtful posts, I agree with you as well< copycat custard!> I'm not interested in any relationship at the moment, I, too, feel damaged by his deceit and callous behaviour, and couldn't take any more rejection or gameplaying by another man.
But never say never eh? Mr Wunnerful may be around the corner,
Hope he's got a suit of armour with Jess around!

Fairy yes the support on here is amazing. Everyone understands, it's good to get reassurance sometimes that what you are feeling is normal and if you say something someone will understand what you mean.

No-one tells you what you should and shouldn't be doing and how you should and shouldn't feel. It's just support, advice and the occasional kick up the backside when needed.

Some of these OW are a bit strange aren't they, I wonder how they got to be in the place they are in some ways. OW in my situation is fully aware that my ex-DH has cheated most of his adult life with a string of women, is nearly 20 years older than her and nothing to look at but she still wants to be with him

You won't be a snivelling wretch at the church, you will be there as a strong, lovely woman even if you do cry. x

Hello Hobbit nice to have you back in the fold too, it's not the same without you. Hope you're okay and as you would say stay strong my lovely girl. xx

Hi Hobbit. Thought of you earlier after him saying he wanted to talk. I had a vision of you replying something like...

Mr Twunt,

Please direct any questions you may have to my solicitor.

Kind regards,

Hobbit.

Kind regards?!?! What am I thinking. Anyway the referring to your solicitor made me chuckle. What are you going to do?

I admit if I don't think about the potential for hurt (I doubt any of us will ever trust anyone 100% ever again) I would like to be with someone one day. At the moment it is more to have some gorgeous tall man answering the door at handover time. Probably not the best reason to begin a relationship but man that would feel good!!

I have emailed the MACIL, with a brief summary of what the IFA said, had a text back< I've told him not to text > saying that is not 'fair and equitable' blah fucking blah, and he needs this and he needs that to 'move on' .
So the same tired script again, it's like he's heard that from his solicitors mouth and blanked everything else out, he just keeps trotting out these trite phrases, from divorce 101, like a broken record.

I know he only wants to talk to me to try and persuade me that his way is the best way, he is used to having financial control , and having someone else telling him what he needs to provide is seemingly beyond his understanding, how dare they tell him what to do?

What a clown,

Ha ha family, fuckface always puts kind regards on his emails to me, unless I've really pissed him off of course,

Kind regards! Who is he? Jane fucking Austen ?

I bet that phrase has never been seen on MN before;
Jane fucking Austen! Ha ha, I'm a legend

Lots of interesting posts at the moment. I've started a number of replies, but the brain cells aren't really working. I'm knackered still. I don't have any energy to think about men, so let's hope Mr Wonderful isn't just around the corner right now, because I won't notice! I'm off to bed shortly. Night all xx

Aw Diddums - Mr F&E himself is realising that decisions have something called consequences. I find it fascinating how they suddenly start throwing temper tantrums when their execution of the 'grand plan ' starts to go awry.

Now's the time to start throwing all those patronising shite things he said to you back at him...

A trite "Oh, well life's not fair" but...what about: "You just need to move on best you can. Can I suggest some counselling?"

But personally, I'd leave him to calm down and 'get over it' meself .

Hope you're feeling okay Hobbit. Tough times. Expect him to get nasty in the next few days if he's anything like many I've knowledge off.

Wanna put Jess in a Jane Austen style bonnet now, but I haven't got one,

Maybe I'll make one tomorrow

Tough times for a tough old bird, we shall see.....

Hobbit I wonder if his solicitor has given him some bad news about a likely outcome, and he's now casting around to find someone else who agrees with what he considers "fair and equitable", thereby pinning his hope on the IFA