HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

fairy they shouldn't no

iwas thankyou, totally forgot to answer you about my boy too, sorry! Things going really well, he is so happy and settled, they are getting very close now and I'm so glad they have each other for company during the day when I'm at work. I would put a pic up but there's been a cat ban

fairy I took my Dad with me and as far as I know there's no problem taking anyone with you.

I'm keeping a watch out for any cat infiltration, those blighters are nearly as bad as squirrels! Love Jess , x

morning ladies - apologies haven't caught up - its just hit me - kids are not due to be waking up here on their birthday - falls on X weekend - no wonder they are behaving like they are - and neither of them knows what they want to do - must be the same for them as it is for us - supposed to be a happy "family" occassion- keep asking them what they want to do and get nothing back - as Ive said before whoever said kids are not affected by this doesn't know what they are talking about - they shouldn't be in this position - no wonder my mood has dropped - they are angry but dont know who or how to express this

I know this was way back in this thread but thanks izzie for your comments, I don't mind that you can't be unbiased. I don't think any of us are here.

why - thanks for that will look into asap

ali my kids are struggling - atmosphere is always "punchy" when they return from X - how do you get them to deal with all the feelings that are going through them - i tried to tell them about how much I screamed and shouted right back at the beginning - neither have done anything- they have almost "shut" down - still not told any friends at school - we are coming up to a year now!

My counsellor told me not to adopt the role of "punch" bag but it is so hard when you are being got at by all sides - also if they cant let it out on me who can they? - poor bloody kids - I hate the bastard for what he is doing to them!

I have sent X an email this morning telling him the kids should not be in this position on their birthday and if he had any balls about him he would be making a decision that puts them first - more wasted breath i guess - but one day if the kids ever want to know what really went on - no doubt 10 years down the line when they are struggling to form relationships of their own - it will all be documented.

well -15th June is first court date - judging by some of X's sols comments looks unlikely we will be agreeing before this date - have meeting tomorrow with shl so having to get head in gear today!

which one of you is into this "full moon" stuff - cant remember without looking back - and is there any significance to the recent eclipse? - i am interested!

Just got back from my doctors, he's been very good, concerned about my weight loss and lack of sleep and eating, he's adamant I need to be better before returning to work, I think I've mentioned on here I'm a nurse in a busy dept and the thought of being around sick people and not being able to give 100% bothers me, and I don't need guilt on top of all the other emotions, DH text this morning to see if we were ok, I told him and got " I hope you feel better soon" what the fucking fuck!! It's not a bloody cold, my life feels fucked from here on in, all because he decided it is, like you fairy if he'd communicated when all this started and had really tried we could have been still a family of 5 not this devastated broken unit of 4

fairy I know exactly where you are coming from about HIS assumptions and decisions and the feelings of total helplessness that it leaves you with and the "it's all about me" - my son and I call it "The HISNAME Show" .

What a bunch of immature tossers.

frizzy ditto

green sorry - I saw your other post - what a total c**t - it's hard to believe that someone would be so offing horrible

and a to all x

Guess who?

Still not sure

Just hiding in the ladies at work trying to pull myself together. Got a message asking if it's OK for him to come over later to go to vote with us and then to take dd out for tea. The thought of going to vote with him as a "family" set me off crying which I've been trying not to do at work. I actually mentioned going to vote when the cards came but thought he'd have forgotten.

thanks wise your pics have made me lolx

fairy your rant. A lot if us relate to the sentiments in it

Meantime twunts copied me in on an email. It's his whole method of comm that winds me up , it always sounds pompous and like he's giving orders. So having been more meh I'm wound up again, esp as have been some irritations at work today. And then to cap it all the stupid fuck must have forgotten he had sent me a copy of the said email, so I receive another copy just in case I've forgotten about the first. So I'm wound up again. Fuck knows how we will ever get through financial negotiations. If he offered me a 100/0 split and a promise to jump off the highest cliff I would still be ranting about how he phrases it all

Yeah they are pompous - pretending they are reasonable and helpful etc when they are in fact a - say it, Jess - a fucking disgrace.

fairy the watching of some series does give you some temporary mind relief

Hi all, I love a good rant, me,

Cheeky arse has emailed me wanting to know what the IFA said to me!
He also wants to 'talk'

Maybe he's seen the light and is going to offer me everything, won't hold my breath though, < pigs flying and all that malarky>

Not sure whether to answer or not, waddya think?

Wow Hobbit an ex who wants to talk....no experience of that personally! I would say if you are happy (?) to do that and don't feel intimidated, then why not? It will cut down on mediator's fees, shorten the time spent in sorting it all out, and you won't decide anything there and then and can get advice after.

Surely the IFA would have already told him what he has told you - didn't he already have a meeting with him? Don't think there's any harm in telling him what everyone - IFA etc has already said.

Izzie "If he offered me a 100/0 split and a promise to jump off the highest cliff I would still be ranting about how he phrases it all" If I offered my ex that, he would still have to "think about it"

Hi everyone. Have only caught up on the last page so sorry to come barging in!

fairy agree with a lot of what you're saying. It's that they made the decision to end a partnership on their own. It drives me mad sometimes to think he wouldn't even talk to me / work at it but then I think - would I want to be married to someone capable of devastating so many lives with his selfish, disgusting behaviour? Nope.

Hobbit I worry that he will get you on your own and think he can manipulate you in some way. If you can afford it, I would carry on as you are. When you have to face him it always sets you back (same as all of us). Why would you put yourself through that just because he 'decrees' it?? As a compromise perhaps you could email and ask what it is he would like to discuss?!

Things have been a bit rubbish with me recently. Have felt low and never like posting when I'm feeling like that as always feel like I should be ok by now (I know I know).

He is being a total idiot, again. I was telling a friend earlier that I would rejoice if he did a disappearing act and for the first time, I truly meant it. My children deserve so much better than him. xx

Well my day improved a bit, I had my first formal meeting with my new line manager - I've changed role, team and line manager in the middle of all this - I've been dreading it but it went well and feels like a fresh start work wise.

I've been to vote with H and DD, which was OK, made small talk but basically I've got nothing to say to him, apart from things to do with DD, I don't really feel anything for him, I don't want to cry when I see him like I did, it's more about the situation I find myself in now and the loss of a life plan and the thought of being on my own. I feel fairly detached from him in the flesh, more so that when he's not here, if that makes any sense at all. It's weird that he's started knocking and waiting to be let in but I suppose that's appropriate now.

Anyway he's taken DD out for some dinner, she wasn't that keen but I managed to persuade her. So, a quick bit of shopping, a weigh in at Slimming World and then they'll probably be back. feels like a bath and an early night with the telly kind of evening.

Maybe I'll talk, but over the phone, not face to face , still saying the same shit probably!
He didn't see the ifa bobs, I thought that was odd , he knows it all already

Family

Would I want to be married to someone capable of devastating so many lives with his selfish, disgusting behaviour? Nope

Completely agree.

But my foot >>>>>> your backside regarding this as always feel like I should be ok by now. Says who? Not me. It's going to talk at least two years, I feel a) to get all the anniversary/special days dealt with, then another year of all the memories of the previous year dealt with. That's my renewed time line for myself.

Hobbit The temptation to tell him to fucking speak to IFA man himself is huge (I feel)...but then the other idea of writing and saying: "IFA man thinks you're idea is total baloney, you fool" is equally as tempting But me and my minimalist mentality would probably just write:

Dear Fuckface,

He said stuff. Mostly along the theme of what you're proposing is not fair and equitable. Go figure.

Regards, Hobbit.

PS Fuck off.

But that's probably not helpful of me!

To be really pragmatic about it - I would write, very, very briefly an outline of what was discussed but no 'feelings', just the bare bones, e.g. the idea of doing X regarding Y is not beneficial. And don't offer any solutions or ideas of your own, but leave it hanging so that he has to go into mediation knowing that you know stuff that he doesn't. But basically he knows that IFA man has not gone along with his proposal.

I note he says he wants to talk. Tell him to write rather than having you playing guessing games about what it is that's on his mind. No mindgame tolerance me.

Braving the loss of a life plan and the thought of being on my own - that's a temporary thing, but one that makes us prone to having really sad/depression days. At least that's how it is for me. I think in time, new plans and aims will emerge but we're still too overshadowed by the past right now.

Fairy can you ask him not to go, that way you'll have friends there for support as you do a 'first' but the kids and you get an insight into the 'new normal' as it's going to be. Hard as that will be though.

Frizzy well done for seeing the Dr. It's good to know he's on your side.

Izzie rant away. They become pompous arses all of them. They are just cunts. meh.

Green good luck with SHL.