HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Or you can take it and put it into a pension. That's what I will be doing. Don't know details of it yet.

Yes, I'd have thought you could start a personal pension plan and put it in as a lump sum, even if you're not going to be adding to it. We both have pensions with the same scheme (different employer thankfully) so it's hopefully fairly easy to do.

That said I don't know yet what the difference is and whether it'll be better to offset it against the equity he wants.

Wise, an extract from my first post about him:

"I've had unpleasant contact with him today, and then the twat dares to text me to say he really wishes me well for 2015!! Well I wish him a fatal heart attack so I can take all of his money and I won't ever have to deal with his smugtwat face anymore haha"

He's still worth more dead than alive, in every conceivable way.

It was on that thread that I first came across the lovely Hobbit. Every cloud....

I'm pissed off tonight too. Nothing worth mentioning, just the usual.

I've posted details about pensions a few times before. There is a pensions advisor site for starters.

Will catch up with posts later.

Hi everyone, I don't think this awful weather helps spirits. I know that for me, reasons to be cheerful are harder to find when it's peeing with rain.

hobbit great to hear from you and the lovely Jess. I might think about meeting an FSA. It sounds as if it was informative.

There seems to be some discussion as to whether divorce or separation is best. (obviously 'best' being an odd choice of words but in all our circumstances probably appropriate....) From the advice I've had, divorce is probably the preferred option for those who are certain that this is where their future lies, as pensions can only be split on divorce and it's only upon divorce that finances can be finally settled. Also, although 'sensible' separation agreements are likely to be adheered to by courts, they aren't legally binding and so if Ex H starts shacking up with someone with 'a team' of children then the separation agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on. This is my understanding but please put me right someone if it's not quite the whole picture.

HRT and I are going for separation as -wait for it - he doesn't have the time to organise a divorce!!! I did point out that he couldn't divorce me anyway as he didn't have any grounds to and that I didn't think it was possible to start the divorce process on the grounds of your own unreasonable behaviour! "Your honour, I'm divorcing my wife because of my totally unreasonable behaviour towards her." I don't think so somehow. We are though having a separation agreement drawn up. I might be making a mistake but despite being able to joke about it a bit, I'm not sure I'm ready for divorce. Also, I think that perhaps a separation is gentler on DC. I'm just hoping that whatever we agree will be upheld in court further down the line.

ali I real feel for you. On the one hand I'd perhaps be tempted to let your ex and dd get on with it. I'm sure the reality would soon hit home for both of them and she'd soon be back appreciating you more. On the other hand, I see that it makes you vulnerable re house. I'd be temped to sit tight and weather the teenage storm. Easier said than done.

wise you seem to have been down for a few days now? Your son sounds supportive though. Hope you're ok? Any more meet ups on the horizon? I've signed up! Not many near me but I live in hope that there is a 'new' life out there for me.

As much as I get tired of the treadmill of the daily grind of work, I think it helps having a routine and not too much time to dwell. I find weekends and holidays much harder.

Will catch up again later.xx

Izzie. ? I've succumbed tonight. Only a couple of glasses- not the whole bottle.....yet.....x

1nogoingback3 Can you explain the bit about if your ex shacks up with someone with children, how would that effect a settlement?

My solicitor suggested that if H was cohabiting and therefore sharing living costs with someone else then that would count in my favour as I have to provide a roof for DD on my own, aside from maintenance.

Doesn't it affect how much maintenance they pay if they move in with somebody with children who is claiming child benefit? I'm sure I read that somewhere.

Hello wise my darling, I think I have said many many times on this thread of all the catastrophes I want to befall ff and bf, < fuckface and bitchface >
Including falling off their stupid bikes under a bus and getting knob rot and flap rot, but unfortunately I have never had the pleasure of saying it directly, thinking that I would preserve my dignity and not give them any ammunition against me.

But I think the time is coming very soon when I shall throw caution to the winds and give them the good news with both barrels of the hobbit gob shotgun
I'm sick of being measured and calm in my dealings with that middle aged cunt in Lycra and so have every sympathy with how you are feeling, so if you need to vent, just let rip my love!

wise I was medically retired from work so only have a very small pension ... Less than £300 per month but h is due a lump sum and half his salary ... I will have to look up Idiots guide to divorce and pensions lol.
I have decided if dd wants to ask my h to "rescue" her then he would need to find a house to live in as I'd be on the streets or in a refuge. He's the earner. But given that he's going schmoozing in Canada very soon I think that might be a problem for him. So it will be back to good old mind games via dd to me but I have promised my mum not to reply to texts or emails... Otherwise she will disown me lol, I wish my dd could see how precious Mums are.
I hope everyone is coping and if not coping then drinking !!! I actually wish I could but can barely stomach anything let alone alcohol, sorry I'm not much help but hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

Hobbit you have my utmost respect for the way you have been, as you say, calm and measured with him. Once all has been agreed and signed you can totally let rip at both of them. They are both disgusting.

It's obvious to me that a number of the twunts on this thread are or will be heading towards some sort of breakdown.

bobs part 7 of this thread is filling up fast, so I'm happy to head up part 8. I will just add a sentence or two to the original post, then it's done. Then maybe you could do the same for the next two threads?

1 reasons for HRT to divorce you:

1. You are not going to vote in the election
2. You are intense
3. You are too intelligent for his liking

4.you spend too much time working to support DC through uni

1. You have sworn a bit
2. You questioned his mental health

Actually, this could apply to a lot of us

I'm off to have a bath. Words failing me with some of the posts on here today. It must be bad!

If mine could have divorced ME he told me what his reasons would have been

1. Focused too much on the children
2. Worked on a Saturday and expected him to look after DDs for 4 hours
3. Wanted to go to uni and make something of myself
4. Didn't iron shirts properly or load a dishwasher properly
5. Was frigid. (I'm only surmising here but I think this could have been due to one count of rape and several sexual assaults)

I really was a terrible wife. Bet he can't wait to be shot of me.

Ali divorce is so tough for everyone including the kids. She's at a tough age as well, when everything is so 'black and white' and so she needs someone to sound off to - unfortunately you're the one getting it. You're feeling persecuted from every direction, I bet! If this is the lowest moment, then the only way is up - but it's so hard living this minute by minute, we all know that. Big breath, have a good long cry, try again tomorrow.

Re: divorce - it's best you ask this to your solicitor because every situation is unique and there's no hard and fast rules. One thing that is very relevant to your situation is your brain tumours so this might get you some SM (which as I've said before, depends on his ability to afford it, rather than any entitlement to it). SM is getting rarer and depends on where you live (unbelievable but true!).

What is agreed 'now' is interim and not really related to later. Later is what mediation/court/you will sort out. Most divorces are 'needs-based' e.g. what do you current need, what does he currently need, is there enough to go 'round so that both can move on and put the past behind them approach. Where's there's next to no resources (assets are anything of resaleable value over £500, e.g. cars/houses/businesses/artwork/the crown jewels), then it's whatever you agree. There are no 'divorce rules' per se, it's down to the couple to decide how things should be split (it's quite conceivable you can walk away with nothing if you choose to). However, if you can't agree then you must mediate (unless you get the court's permission to avoid that one...) and if mediation fails, then you get to have the sheer joy of a judge getting involved in a court room. Bobs is trying arbitration, which is cheaper than court, and there's also 'round-table resolution' approaches too.

If there's negative equity in the house, you still need to agree how to divide the debt. Given he's working...but he might not see it that way.

I always say that if they are a liability then get the finances locked down quickly. If they are being okay with the money, then no hurry to divorce until you're ready.

1 Sorry, love, I'm going to be the bearer of bad news. Your DH can divorce you on the grounds that your left buttock and right buttock don't quite match. It's nuts but it's true. A judge doesn't even investigate if the allegations are true or not. Once the marriage has broken down, it's over...no one cares why. However, some people contest the reasons. Stressful and costly, and I understand why, but it makes no difference to the financial settlement at all.

Separation agreements according to a recent ruling are to be treated like pre-nups - they can be binding, but sometimes they can be contested, if the signer was under duress, failed to seek legal advice etc...

Hobbits after the 12th yeah? I'll come and cheer you on!

Toast I believe that maintenance is only effected if they live with a child they are personally claiming child benefit for - so their own child, if they live with someone who has their own children and that person is claiming child benefit then maintenance isn't effected.

Oh thank goodness for that.

WWK thank you for explaining although given he's in so much debt I can't see how he will afford much. My sol seemed to be taking things at a slower pace and we have always talked of divorce but h seems to be pushing Separation ( obviously it must be benefiting him somehow otherwise he'd never suggest it ). I actually feel rather stupid about the whole thing... But honestly I'm not thick, just never thought I'd need to know.
dd and him are at it again with him texting and her not telling me where she is and he has still not brought her home ! Major mind fuckery going on but then if I listened to them it's me fucking with their heads ! Roll on Women's Aid on Friday so I can get this shit out of my system. I know I'm maybe being too hopeful here but regarding dd, I take it that judges/magistrates know exactly what these men are up to ?
And just thinking out aloud, wondering if WA who I know work with (at least my) solicitor report anything to courts ? I know I'm talking out loud but mostly to myself!
9.48 and dd just home with another barrel full of abuse for me ... I really should be used to it but it cuts like a knife every time.

Ali I'm sure judges/magistrates and solicitors have seen and heard it all before and can see through the nonsense.

ali so hard to know what to suggest. You're between a 'rock and a hard place' me thinks. Only thing I can suggest is logging all this down. Times she's brought home etc. [flowers ]

braving I've been advised, or my understanding of advice was, that yes if they shack up with OW then that cld be beneficial as they need less to live on as they are sharing living expenses BUT If there are children in the new home, then the needs of these children have to be considered too. For example, our exes could have to support, or at the very least have their income put into the financial equation, the university expenses of OW's children. It's all a minefield. Again, I'm very new to all this and might/could well be wrong but it does concern me.

Still some humour out there amongst the fuckwittering antics of the exes. KOKO. Thursday tomorrow. Xx

Hobbit pleased the meeting with your IFA went well, lovely to see you back

Bobs sorry about the meeting and mediation having not been possible.

Ali I'm sorry you are continuing to have such a hard time with your DD, I think a lot of it is caused by your ex stirring it, but it will settle down.

According sorry he is still not respecting your wishes.

KOKO everyone x

ali...it is a nightmare when the dd's turn into mouth pieces for the ex. I do feel for you. I understand how much it hurts.
When the weasel took me to court they did see through him. I just wished I could have told the judge more about his behaviour but time is limited.

My eldest takes it out on my dad as well. My parents were always supportive and involved with their grandchildren. His parents hardly ever saw the girls.

Well done for not replying to his text/emails. It is so hard not to bite.

You're right mums are precious and eventually your dd will realise. xx

green...as for the insurance money. Have you look at putting it into a personal injury trust fund?

The loneliness get to me to frizzy. Sometimes I can be in a room full of people but the loneliness creeps back in. Even when I'm talking I say 'we' did this or 'we' did that but then I realise I'm not a 'we' anymore.

hobbit...both barrels. That I'd like to see. These twunts need to be told just what they are. If I told the weasel what I thought of him he probably use some law against me.

WiseOne...dropping dead. Nope that's not a bad thing to say. After what these bastards have done to us. I can only hope they are all in the coach when the weasel drives it over the cliff!

The Gang

If I could send everyone a card
That said " Shit this is hard "
But you all know
We all KOKO
And it was sent from Drifted the Bard.

Goodnight everyone, off to walk the dog & face another day of the shit hand we have been dealt. But don't worry ( and from someone who knows ) every day is a day ever so slightly better than the last . I didn't realise it myself until I have now been dumped 5 months .

I don't take any satisfaction from her demise. Far from it. I am in a quandry about writing to her & consoling her ? But I am afraid that she may take it as signal to contact me again which I cannot cope with because she knows deep down how much I love her & there are one or two on here who can see that via PM .

I cannot have her near me , she is not in the best of places & she has admitted it , but I didn't ask for this , however , as WWK stated last night our fault is that we have integrity . I do. You gals do ( sorry but that is the opposite of guys ) .

So KOKO & I may try some more little poems soon . But not too soon as I finding life is getting better without someone cheating or lying to me. And that feels good.

Nice little ditty Drifted . You write very openly and honestly - refreshing in a guy

Brilliant drift. Have my first .

Dare I say, I'm feeling a bit meh tonight but that bad dog depression has been hammering at the door for some time. Seems he's toddled off for a bit.