HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

True to bloody form - the X has wasted no time in getting his solicitor to contact mine regarding the monies from my insurance - am I surprised - not in the slightest - showed bugger all concern when I was diagnosed and during my treatment but thinks he is entitled to half the payout! Ladies ou we all know the answer to this don't we - FUCK OFF and FUCK OFF SOME MORE YOU FUCKING TWUNT - my counsellor told me I need to find some rage - think I just have.

hobbit interested in your chat with IFA - wondering if i need to do this too - funny story - this is what I did 20 bloody years ago!

bobs looks like you'll be following me in the court process then!

Door very kind of you to say so

Bobs sorry the mediation didn't work our for you. I'm dreading the time all this heads for official divorce. I was hoping to give it some time to process, I only left in March. I am getting fed up with the relentless crap though and just feel like firing off that last round to get him to back off.

I deactivated my FB account last night. Lo and behold a message from his sister today saying she was trying to get in touch but cant (due to FB) coincidence? I knew he was stalking me there. He hardly ever used it before I left.

Need to get the remainder of my stuff while he thinks there is still a chance.

green how on earth can he be entitled to your insurance money? omg!

fairy I am feeling much the same the last two days.

green thanks for your comments re mindfulness - I am aware of this and maybe need to look at this further... today has been a very bleak day - have actually felt very sad and hopeless today but am feeling very very tired so I don't know what is going on...

green we're suggestion arbitration first. Have now made an appt to discuss this early next week.

19 frigging months of this [anfry]

and I can't even spell!!!

Off to the gym tonight to punch things...

I'm dithering.

I was adamant I wanted to go straight for a divorce, H on the other hand doesn't want to he just wants to sort the finances out and think about divorce later (no idea why, probably doesn't know himself).

Now I'm questioning myself, would that be an easier way, so when I start divorce proceedings the financial side of things is already in place, and by not going straight to divorce proceedings is he likely to more reasonable?

Or is it just a waste of money?

Any thoughts?

Fairy/Frizzy It's horrible, isn't it. So senseless. And to be honest, there's no point is asking them for an explanation because it's always going to be 'your fault' and that makes you feel worse, and on and on the cycle goes in a downward direction. But it's very hard not to. The day when you stop asking 'why' (all of us, me included!) is the day of 'meh', I think. But the devastation and destruction they've left behind is unfathomable and very hard to deal with on a daily basis.

Glad you got a good solicitor best.

Bobs I can imagine that you're feeling really disappointed about having to give up with mediation. Finger's crossed for arbitration. It's not a route I've heard of before but sounds like it might work.

purple it's dreadful isn't it. It feels like someone stole your life. It's insensitive and crass. I'm afraid I had to walk away from mutual friendships because they all wanted to let me know 'he was fine' and to be honest I just wanted him to drop down dead. At the time he was putting me through absolute hell and I didn't feel I could really say anything to them. I've made new friends though, which helps. Can you get out much and meet new people?

green Do you have a long wait 'til your First Appointment (FDA)? He's a cunt, isn't he.

wise are you taking care of yourself?

God i hate feeling like this, shocks wearing off and reality is hitting me now, keep getting these waves of almost panic tonight, that I'm really alone again after all these years of feeling secure as a couple, keep thinking of all the things I still have to face, him getting his own place, him meeting someone new, him asking for a divorce, feel like shit again today, felt stronger yesterday, it's all so bloody unfair, can't see me ever getting over this

Purple That's what I'm worried about, I'm close to his family but won't be able to maintain that if they get involved with her. They seem more interested in contact with me and dd at the moment, but we'll see.

frizzy you and me crap together today - is it the weather? All this low pressure...

braving yes I understand your thoughts completely - mine is hiding out in a room somewhere pretending that nothing is happening unless forced to...

Just been catching up on thread. I've basically come to the end of a very long tether. My dd has now replaced h and spilling all his shit out her mouth. Last few days have been harder than when he walked out. I'm emotionally unstable according to dd and a lot of other things. Have literally got to stage where if she packs her bags ( again ) she can go. I have become the worst mother and "haven't been a decent parent" in years and did fuck all for them. If I was an alcoholic this would be the point where I can't get any worse. My parents are even disgusted at dds words and my dad only caught a glimpse of it because she didn't know he was there. Now she's demanding that on school runs her Granda never takes her, she'll never go to their house again and she can't take any more of me.
All my poor Dad said was that she should apologise for the way she spoke to me.... And my parents have done more for her than anyone... H parents are cunts too and always have been... Sponging bastards who never gave my dc a penny. I told h he had turned into his father ( who was a drunk and physically abusive to him as a kid)
I'm so sorry to rant now but the last few days were spent surviving. When I met h I was confident, happy, ballsy and didn't take shit from anyone ... Now I'm just broken

WiseOne I don't think he realises that a legal separation still involves receiving a piece of paper which identifies him as an adulterer, which I suspect is what he's trying to avoid.

There's no way I'm doing anything the house equity without at least a legal separation and a documented financial agreement, I need to get him off the deeds as well as the mortgage and to separate myself from any financial decisions he makes in the future - which I'm sure he's crapping himself about.

Braving it's a tough decision. Basically the two are separate anyway so if you feel able to sort the finances out now, then get it underway. The key thing to note are two opposing forces:

1. Until the absolute is issued, then unless you have a binding post-nuptial agreement, then it can be changed. Don't let him pressurise you into sorting out the finances unless you feel ready and able to. Otherwise, he's going to have to initiate proceedings against you to compel you to (that's what MrSW did - twice!).

2. Divorce takes around four months to six months (e.g. getting your paperwork in, then waiting for nisi, then six weeks for absolute - if you're the petitioner). So it kind of makes sense to get it underway now...and then just sit on the nisi for as long as you need to (it won't get converted to absolute until the petitioner applies - the respondent can apply after three months, but needs the consent of the petitioner). HOWEVER, if you're going for the 'quickest divorce route' then that is unreasonable behaviour - and that is the immediate spanner in the works as it's upsetting for the receiver to receive. So the advice there is make it as tame as possible but still enough to get past the judge (e.g. agree it with him first).

So the most amicable way is to work on the finances now, and do the divorce second. You can try mediation straight away as well if you need help with it. If, however, you're going to have a 'court-led proceedings' on the finances because he's being an arse, then you've got to petition first. It's nuts but there you go.

Oh Ali I am so sorry, they can really put you through the mill cant they, selfish fucking shits sometimes. I can actually feel such resentment for my DD when she spouts off at me sometimes.

wise and frizzy and anyone else who is interested, it was a full moon yesterday, this might explain some of the intense feelings and shit storms?

Anyway, I am very a little bit into stuff like that so I noted it.

I had more fuckwittery today, I cannot even be bothered going into detail. It is really messing with my head now, I feel everything between sad and rage in the matter of moments.

Have emailed him AGAIN, there is no "fixing us" it is YOU who needs fixing, give me some space NOW!

He has said he will. I don't believe him.

WWK thanks for that synopsis, that's helpful to know. Divorce proceedings have changed a bit since my first one.

Well I'm definitely going to be the petitioner, and he's not getting away with anything other than adultery, so I'm really not sure.

He's keen to get the finances sorted quite quickly (doesn't want to have to live in a rented house basically) my head thinks just get a divorce underway, I don't want to have to go through the financial agreement twice, there isn't much to sort really, just the equity, pensions and a couple of higher value assets.

It's difficult.

wwk Can I ask or anyone really, if it's just joint debt, ie negative equity in the house and no assets that I'm aware of ( don't know what else would be an asset ) the only thing I am entitled to is spousal maintenance ( not sure how that will go as now it seems apparent that dd will in fact go with him ) and half of his pension which he won't get until his 49 th birthday ( he's 43 ). How does this figure into divorce. Now I'm not legally minded at all unlike h, but he is pushing for separation ... my solicitor knows I want a divorce. Is it better under my circumstances ( I don't work ) to get a divorce asap
I think I read that if he gets a separation, whatever he pays me now is likely to stand in 2 years time? Or am I wrong ... Shit I don't know how divorce works as I've never been divorced before !!!
Oh and Izzie the day after my h left, my cat did 5 massive poops on the floor, like he was saying aww that's better I've cleansed you from my life ! Why couldn't I be a cat ?
He literally could be saying ... Look Fuckhead I got your space lol

Ali sorry but don't have any experience in this area as no DD - just wanted to say sorry that you feel so crap currently - am sure some of the other ladies with teens can offer something useful x

I just want to text " I fucking hate you for what you have done to me and I wish that you were dead " ( as does your son) but wouldn't say that bit . I haven't told him this yet - has anyone told their knob stuff like this?

When I asked my solicitor about separating first rather than divorcing she said it could be complex if he died in that time and it was just easier to crack on and divorce and tie up any loose ends. There were a couple more reasons but I can't remember, sorry. I do know it made total sense for me to just divorce him though.

Had a very positive meeting with my solicitor today which has helped. Although she has used different reasons for the unreasonable behaviour (STBEH gave me some he wanted used), he is going to go ballistic at that.

I told mine he has ruined my life. It was when he was going on about how many benefits I could claim.

That is what I am hoping - that he does drop down dead and then I will get it all... is that bad to say that?

WiseOne Not yet.

Ali333 Do you have a pension, even a frozen one? My understanding of what happens to pensions is that money is transferred from one to the other, so in our case assuming his pension pot is worth more than mine, money would transfer from his pot into mine, so that my pension is worth more on retirement. It's not a question of waiting until his pension pays out and getting a share of it, you get it now.

If you don't have a pension, I don't know how that works.

H pretty much stole my thunder and called himself lots of names and confessed to being a complete bastard, and has continued to say that I've done nothing wrong and it's all his fault. It doesn't really help to be honest.