HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

So much to catch up on...

Firstly, animal stories. I have a rather gorgeous, soft, adorable, very happy cat. He isn't the world's brightest spark but you can't have it all. He's currently asleep on my hand, which is making typing hard.

Anyway, he's also a very special cat.

He once crapped on MrSW's head.

I luffs him. The cat. MrSW can be shat on every day of the week as far as I'm concerned.

Wise I'm with you - how can you dislike a diddy animal? I mean I've met Jess and she's ferocious but utterly adorable nonetheless. I really want a dog but now is not the right time.

Iwas I am appreciating the bold. Thank you.

green I don't mind being called 'well', it's just if it's not bold then I get 'confussed', e.g.

Well, she's a shit.

Does the poster mean me or her? And there are days when I look like shit, feel like shit and the point is quite correct. But on the other hand, I'd rather not have to think about shit...

Except if I want to have a wry smile (see cat story).

Some tough days at the office going around. I think Hobbit's next day is the 12th but I may be wrong about this. Bobs it's endlessly frustrating.

Izzie voting. I have hummed and hahhed about it and decided I'm going to be a fucking disgrace. Only because I'm in a constituency where my vote won't make a difference. And then I can be like MrSW and be all blaming when the 'wrong' party gets elected...

drift welcome back...it's a tough process getting divorced, and you make a really valid point - we all got married because we loved them so there's something lovable about them. And it's those feelings that are so hard to switch off, despite the fact that they've cheated on us and treated us with utter contempt. What I'm trying to do, but admit I'm not always succeeding, is remind myself that the fact that I didn't cheat means that I have integrity. I mean the opportunity was there but for me being respectful was more important to my mind (and still is). The other thing is that I have the capacity to be incredibly loyal. I have the capacity to value someone else. They are my good qualities. Shame I misplaced them.

So the fact that your wife/MrSW/other twunts have abused that is their decision, and not our choice. I'm pleased you're back with us on the thread.

Toast you sound like you're spinning a lot of plates right now. Firstly, well done on getting Form E done - it's not a pleasant document at all. Re: the children. It sounds to me that he's incredibly aware of his feelings and totally unaware of how his feelings impact the children. So no, it's no surprise that the children don't want to spend time with him. You situation is the extreme opposite of the 'Disney Dad Phenomena' that also causes upset. What children want is a consistency and to depend on their parents. Right now he's predictably unpredictable. Your youngest will not be able to express that. Your older ones can decide for themselves. This will all settle down at some point but in divorce things are incredibly difficult. KOKO.

Reasons I could divorce MrSW:

Being.

Just being.

The world is no better off for him being in it.

1 Grand folly? WTF? Sorry, are you married to some jumped up academic in philosophy who actually knows shite? I mean, what the fucking hell is he going on about?

Morning all. Hope everyone gets through the day ok today and maybe there are some opportunities to smile too.

I know, 'grand folly' - I did utter some choice words in return. Suggested the doctor - again. He was, yet again, justifying his decision and said he knew that to leave me was probably just 'a grand folly' but he had to do it. It truly is unbelievable. The man I married would never have said something so ludicrous and pompous. In a way though, by being so ridiculous it makes it all easier. KOKO all. Where do the mornings go?? Xx

Ps another reason to divorce me - I've started to swear - from the man who yes, calls his wife a 'fucking disgrace'......

Wellwhoknew - he shat on his head??? I had a cat who liked to vomit on STBEH's pillow.

Hello lovely people, ha ha WWK cat shat on head story gave me a giggle, if only Jess had managed to do this to Mr Lycratwat, but she's not that flexible. he's a MACIL, I think you ladies can guess what the 'c' stands for

I had my meeting with the IFA yesterday, FF had set it up, at his place of work and expected to be included as well, WTF? I told him I wanted it to be private, as he was trying to manipulate my decisions, he acted all offended like and said that was my choice< well , yes actually it is>

Long story short, the IFA agreed it was a mistake to use the pension pot to buy a house, and I should get more of the equity from the sale of the marital home to fund that instead. In fact everything that the mediator, my sol, and all my friends have said. Reiterated again by the IFA.

There's only one person still out of the loop on this issue, guess who that is?

I now wish I had let him come to the meeting, he could have heard it first hand then, I will summarise it and email it to him, that will make his day!

Next mediation is the 12th, FF has said he has come up another proposal and will ring me to discuss it beforehand, so some progress has been made, I do want to get it resolved, the long standing stress of this whole situation is taking its toll on me, and my sons.

KOKO, all, x

Reasons Mr Lycratwat has for divorcing me;

1. He's a complete cunt.
2. He's a complete cunt.
3. He's a complete cunt.
4. He's a complete cunt.
5. He's a complete cunt.
6. He's a complete count. < this one may not be true>

Hobbits back!

hobbit Best list so far

Texted h last night, told him I did not appreciate the flowers at work and to please cease and desist contacting me during my working hours. The reply " I really think we can work this out"

Head meet wall.

I am going to have to spell it all out to him again aren't i? Or am I just better off ignoring? Hopefully no more fuckwittery today.

Have a great day everyone

Jess has proclaimed there's far too much talk of cats on this thread lately,
< cat's schmats, meh, in fact she said>
Here she is with today's pithy comment,

She really tells it like it is eh?

I may have spelt that wrong, tee HEE x

Hobbit I'm hopeful that mucil is not in the same league as some if the financially deluded tests on here and that when told by the experts he will start thinking. Thinking of you at such a stressful time. Take care babe xx

Totally agree re cats. No cats while I'm running the bar unless they shat or vomit over twunts.

That is a beautiful shot of the sausage snuffler

Thought for the day.

fairy you are doing so well, tell the kids you'll send Jess in if they don't toe the line!

fairy I feel the same as you, all the promises of getting through this together, he can't get away from me quick enough, all I get is how hard he is finding it to cope, and yes he knows it's his choice but it doesn't make it any easier, what did he think it was going to be like?? Leaving your family? Living with your mum in a 1 bedroom sheltered accommodation flat? Just working all the time? Having no friends? He said last night he's glad I have a lot of support, but he has none, well that's your doing you selfish twat, I never wanted this at all, like you fairy I'm at a loss to understand how my life got to this point, and I'm getting no closer to finding out from him at all

No fairy HE is the one in the soundproofed box, impervious to everything going on around him, just like my sorry excuse for an ex.

However someone is soon going to come along with a very big hammer.....

fairy that feeling everyone gets it except him. A total mindfuck. I'm with you there

Love your music choices AccordingtoMe

Hello,

Hobbitswife - that's very interesting what you said about not using the pension pot to buy a house. I had my first sol meeting today (we are also in mediation) and she advised to go for a 70:30 equity split, which surprised me as I was going for 50:50. She is absolutely fab and I feel very safe with her.

Yes Good 70/30 is the usual to go for, depending if you have DC, relative incomes etc. Sometimes you might have to settle for less - more towards 60/40. It is better for the one with the job to apply for a mortgage rather than use the pension pot.

Despite having offered mine an even better deal - more like 55/45, he still refuses to cooperate in the mediation process.

I have just cancelled our 4th meeting (should have been tomorrow) as I know now I am not going to get anywhere. So that's it for mediation for us. It only works if both sides participate - and then in a relatively reasonable manner. My ex appears incapable of either

Waiting to hear from my solicitor now.....

Have had a real set back. H took his new woman to meet all our mutual friends - they have only been out a few times. It's like a kick in the teeth, stomach and head. I don't think I will ever recover.