HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

8,13,18. Atmosphere was awful, they often asked for us to move to somewhere else without him. Youngest needed a counsellor as she started having nightmares that daddy would kill mummy. He was very controlling and disrespectful to me.

Tipping point was when he had an arguement with me, stormed into the room they were in and told them he was "going to slit his f*ing wrists" because of me. He wasn't depressed, just cross and out of control.

No need to apologise. I should have said more background.

Reading back it's obvious why they don't like him, it's so hard sending them off for the day or overnight with them. When he left he spent about 6 weeks crying in front of them every time he came round. In the end I told him he couldn't see them until he stopped.

Wise if he knew what your son had said he would go into victim mode no doubt. It's a common thought though. But as the twunts are too wrapped up in me me me they don't look at it from anyone else's perspective.

Their stuff. I've been squirrelling away tools here. His toolbox is in the house. I was thinking I won't want the actual toolbox because it's metal and I want plastic. And I did have a laugh to myself imagining me saying he could take his toolbox. And he would pick it up and find it empty!

Toast he has emotionally abused them too. Its no surprise really that their reaction is this. The fact they are happier now speaks volumes, when they see him again they are taken back to "that place" and their memories of it. Your poor babies

Izzie Hobbit had meeting with IFA today, her next mediation is next week - 11th?

My next mediation is supposedly this Thursday. However despite my request that twunt produces a reply to my proposal before the meeting he has not done so. If this one is cancelled the mediator is then away till July.

I've had a fun day trying to get it all together and make some sort of plan of action. I've also heard from my solicitor who has twunt pretty well sussed now (finally) and we will sort something out tomorrow.

Something I've discovered is that when you calmly try to tell a sol what your twunt is like, how he's likely to procrastinate at every step etc and what their behaviour is likely to be they don't tend to really believe you as they will think that all their clients are going to just say the worst about their stbxs whether true or not.

toast oh yes the wrists thing, remember more now. And your posts just before mine. Yes it is totally understandable. You can only reassure them that you have no intention of having him back. And maybe if you can cut contact a bit, if he's seeing a lot of them, more than usual I mean. I'm glad that they are happier when he's not there, though. And the longer that lasts, the more secure they will feel, I'm sure

They are so much happier now. Which he has admitted and he hates. Of course it was my fault too apparently, although it's funny that they are fine with me then isn't it? They are desperate to get our own house and argue with each other over who had to answer the phone when he calls (because none of them do).

Izzie if you don't mind me saying your posts have been good today - a lot more clarity of your situation in your thought and less rantiness

Re; stuff. I am in the total opposite situation. I left, taking minimal stuff with me. A lot of my things are still there, I want them but I cannot afford a man and van to go and collect it all right now due to other financial priorities. There are a lot of things precious to me there, My grandfathers cabinet, an old carver chair that's been in my Dads family for eons, I was going to restore them both (its an old hobby of mine, one I never did again after I met him. Funny that)

Boxes and boxes of photos that needed scanning, all my old college and Uni work. Old boxes of paintings both my DD's did. All my old Christmas decorations, ones my DD's made over the years

I really have to sort this out soon.

Bobs I work with solicitors a lot, and yes they do think like that. Guess they hear it all the time. Its crap feeling like part of a "production line" though isn't it.

For them, its all about what evidence you can give for them to build the best case for their client. Its facts/evidence and not emotion, that they deal with.

They all bloody socialise together at Xmas too, I find that one weird.

Toast the telephone thing made me laugh (sorry if inappropriate)

Thanks bobs. Let's hope yours progresses. Solicitors, I bet there are some interesting chats amongst each other about their clients, and which box they fit into. And I would love to be a fly on the wall after their meeting with some of their more challenging clients.

Izzie it took me over 2 months to sort out the possessions. I moved all his stuff into the spare room and his study, and also into part of the garage. I gave him the wedding album (kept the smaller one though). Made several trips to the tip, sold on ebay, and gave away a load of furniture on freecycle or to friends/of friends. I did hire storage initially but ended up getting rid of the contents eventually as the fees would have been more than the contents. Massive job, one not to be done in a hurry, but we did get rid of a load of crap!

Well twunt has a new sol now and by what my sol has told me he has said to him, I think he has hopefully somewhat enlightened him. Interestingly, after my twunt saw an IFA, his sol had to contact the IFA to ensure he had obtained the correct advice

According - it is funny. They start running away from the phone, suddenly needing to do something urgent. They are like that when he comes round, he knocks on the door and they scatter. Even the dog doesn't bother greeting him. It actually makes me a bit sad for him, stupid man, he could have had three DDs that idolised him instead he fucked it all up.

toast telephone! I've said this on thread well before your arrival so will repeat. Friend of mine, two teenage kids. Scenario they are all sitting together. One son's mobile rings, he looks, sees it's dad, ignores. So next son's phone rings, he looks, sees it's dad, ignores. Then mum's phone rings. Its him. Asking why his sons are ignoring him.

bobs I think I get less rants because he just doesn't have as much power over my emotions as before. Clarity of thought, I think all that stuff was already in my head and has been for a whole. Perhaps never voiced it on here. I know what I need and want in my heart. But my head is going to lead this one. I will take things slowly. Don't want to make a mistake that can't be undone. And I want to make the decisions for me, for what I want despite him. Any benefits re my situation with him that come from my decisions must only be a side issue in my mind. Because eventually I will totally detach anyway. And therefore eventually he will be an irrelevant factor in my decision.

I was ranty when I did some of those posts. But yes toned down. And I have to say, my default mode is to come on here and let it out rather than communicate stuff to him.

toast yes I feel sad for mine too in that respect. I try to block it out though, for my own emotional recovery

toast your use of the word "scatter" reminds me of a really funny scene from my past. At one point, many years ago, I used to have six cats.

I came in from work one day and they were all over me doing the usual cat thing. I went upstairs to get changed and discovered one of them had crapped in a sock I had left on the floor, made loud grumbling noises about it and came running downstairs..to see all six cats desperately trying to get out the house via one cat flap. (I wish I had filmed it, it was hilarious)

Something like that?

and "even the dog doesn't bother greeting him" Hahaha! so sorry!

Talking of cats, how are your kitties iwas? bet they are right little characters now.

According the cat story. .

That's what it's like! And the dog used to greet him. In fact he wanted to take the dog with him when he went because he was so sad and lonely. He's taken her for a walk once since he went. So now she lays on the sofa which he hates and doesn't even wag her tail.

He put on our parenting plan that he doesn't want any time with the dog. Arse.

Izzie it way before the days of smart phones, I reckon that film would have gone viral

Toast your dog, bless her, has a good sense of character I reckon X "time with the dog" on a parenting plan? is this a thing?

Yes it's on there. It says pets. I'm tempted to say he can share custody of the cats - he hates them!!

Mine said he doesn't like our cat - how the hell can you be so miserable that you don't like a little animal? EFFING KNOB

He was mean to mine. Really mean. I wanted to use that as one of the reasons to divorce him.