HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Izzie was the "are you okay" supposed to relate to your anniversary?!!

Drifted lovely posts from you. If all men had your morals and decency then none of us would be in this bar. I know what you mean by saying you don't know any of us but you do. KOKO. x

Cassa pleased you're feeling a bit better. If there were problems he should have spoken to you and tried to sort them out. The fact he chose to leave rather than face them says a lot about him.

Green sorry it's difficult for you with the twins. As has been said it's safer for them to blame you because they trust you to stay and are secure in your love.

Hello to everyone else, sorry it's difficult to reply to everyone as the thread is so fast moving.

Been reading the comments on here at work today. Am not going to comment on the stuff re families because I'm just wound up by him and his family anyway. Best not get me started, I feel.

At work I go for a cigarette a few times each day with someone. Spoke to her today and she said that I'm fine unless I have contact with him.

Exactly! I don't want him to be part of my life in any shape or form. My sons are adults, and he can make his own arrangements for seeing them. Not that he does, but that's his problem, my sons seem immune to it now. My brother said to me a number of months ago that there is no reason for me to stay in contact with him. And I agree.

Over the last six months he has proved time and again that he is no friend of mine. All detailed in various parts of these threads. There seems to be no common ground as regards shared parenting, even though they are young adults, they still need guidance and advice for things. He has washed his hands of worrying about their careers etc.

All he wants is the thin veneer of respectability, the tick box thing. So he makes fuck all effort to see them all year, but will expect to come over on one of the key Xmas days. For one hour, like he did this year. Despite having the whole week off. And presumably a tick for seeing them on their birthdays. Oh and Easter. The point is, my sons have made it clear to me that they want family occasions to be family occasions, ie the three of us. DS1 has said that he would see him over Xmas but not on the key days, which he wants to spend with me and DS2.

At the start of all this, I was happy to go along with maintaining some sort of family of four time. But he has let down his sons, and they see he has let me down, and left me in the lurch countless times. He has brought this on himself. It is impossible to keep doing the dirty on people and expect to be included.

My point being, I don't want him calling round here. I want it all sorted, no reasons for him to come round. When he does, it's me he talks to, not my sons. And I'm not interested. It's a very one way conversation. I don't want to know anything about his personal life, so I don't ask. I have no interest in his job, I'm bored bored bored of hearing how busy he is. I know, I was there for too many years picking up the slack at home, working stupid hours myself to support him.

I just want my own front door, and to move far enough away from him that he can't come over for anything, because I'm too far away for it to be worth his while.

I'm so tempted to push for a financial settlement to hasten all of this, but the house is not ready to be marketed, there is a load of sorting out and chucking out if I'm moving. I'm doing all of these things, but I'm also entitled to have a life too, instead of just dealing with sorting 26 years of stuff accumulated in the marital property, and deciding what to do about stuff like wedding photos. Why should I have to sort through all these things and take them to my new hoome? Why can't he keep them in his cocklodging abode, seeing as she had such an influence on the marriage??

Rant over. Basically I just want back to meh. Anniversary has derailed it somewhat.

And the text. As for the recycling permit, I'm just going to get someone to write on the address for me, no postcode, not going to look that up, and send it to him. I don't want him round here. He won't like me sending it, because he likes to keep things separate. It would appear I am banned from Chavtown as far as he is concerned. And her. Well that's too bad. It's time he lived with the reality.

Six months is a milestone as far as he and I are concerned. Everything of his will now be leaving this house as and when I come across it. I hesitated before on the basis that if he returned in any shape or form, it would be easier for him if he didn't have too much stuff there. Well now it's not my problem. He made his bed, now it's time to take the rest of his crap with him.

I hate, hate him taking up any of my head space.

Come back meh!!!

iwas in the context of wanting a recycling permit.....why does he need a recycling permit? Oh because they must be having a sort out. So to my mind it was either incredibly tactless and ill timed, or he was doing a Sid

The thing about him returning. Originally my thought was maybe he would try to repair the marriage. My thought now is that I'm not interested in any attempt at reconciliation. BUT if it doesn't work with her, believe me, he will return to claim his fucking property, because he is joint owner. He would think nothing of the effect this would have on all of us. He could go stay with his father, but oh no, not for him. And get this.....he wouldn't be able to sleep in the spare room because the bed is a shorter one!! He probably wouldn't have the nerve to suggest I move back into that room if I were occupying the main bedroom at that stage. But no doubt if there were any tensions within a day I bet he would use that as his excuse to call me a nasty bitch who had no right to expect him to camp in his own house.

I'm generally right about my predictions with him. I ve predicted other things that have come true over recent times. I really can't call on his relationship with her though.

Anyway, if he does return, you will all know what I rally look like. Because I will be on the news for murder

The one absolutely excellent thing is that despite thinking of numerous replies, I have not and will not text. It's now becoming ingrained into me.

Izzie thank you for that quote you posted at 10:27, so very very true. I am also wondering what to do with all the wedding stuff. Fuck it, it’s not important today.

fairy OMG yuk!

wise “Must be the day for it”

It certainly is here too. I received flowers at work today, from him, with some song lyrics written on the card, from the song played at our wedding!

After I told him to stop texting me at work as it is unfair, he thinks this is?

I’m a mix of angry and sad about this. I have not responded.

Izzie for what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing. I think I've mentioned before that when you were having more regular contact with him you ranted and got upset a lot more than when you hardly had anything to do with him.

If he isn't prepared to make an effort with your sons and give support and help when needed then there isn't really any reason for you to have contact with him unless you want it.

I am very sorry to hear that the anniversary has derailed your meh for the moment. Hopefully feeling clarity as to how you want to proceed will help you return to meh.

I boxed most of the rest of Sid's stuff up so that he took it with him when he moved into the flat which is effectively unoccupied as he stays at OWs as I found it upsetting seeing his things, even going into a cupboard and seeing stuff that was out of the way was hard. I knew I didn't want him back so I didn't see the point in having his stuff here any longer than necessary.

I know that you've mentioned once or twice whether you would consider having him back if he left nutty nora so I would guess keeping his stuff was keeping the door ajar.

He's not worthy of you Izzie, he really isn't. Putting you through hell the last few years like he did. You're doing great and sending return of meh wishes to you and but not that's mine!

Izzie I didn't even know a recycling permit existed, what do you need it for? I hope for your sake he wasn't doing a Sid, he was probably just being a twat tactless prat.

I hate the thought that if he did split up with nutty nora he could be entitled to live in your house even if you didn't want him back. That would be intolerable. Would it be worth getting any advice as to whether there were steps you could take to prevent that at some stage.

Well done on not texting him back. x

Thank you iwas. And the overriding reason has to be that he still falls for her victim stuff. When she had her cancer scare and then the diagnosis, I knew it was over. Her trump card. I said to him a number of times over the last year of our marriage that if she wasn't out of my life, either physically or mentally, then that was it. And as I said yesterday , even if he leaves her for someone else, he still won't be free. She will just do the same to the next woman in his life. I don't want to be a part of that. If he hasn't got the balls to break free and stop feeling obliged to her, and the intelligence to see that she has no respect for his sons or his own wellbeing, then that's his lookout.

I don't for one minute underestimate his actions towards me. However, when it comes to Karma, its her I wish it for. She, and MrsC's OW, as it were, certainly scrape the barrel.

And iwas you can have all the cake in the world if Karma comes up trumps soon with her. And thank you so much for your support over the last few days, as well as at numerous other times

According he's trying a different tactic now is he? But whatever tactic he is employing he still keeps disrespecting your wishes. No doubt if you did call him up on it he would say "but I didn't text you at work."

I am sorry that you are feeling angry and sad.

If at any point you get to the stage where you feel you need to respond to him perhaps something along the lines of "Neither texting me or sending me flowers will prove to me that you have changed. Proving to me that you respect my wishes would be the very smallest step you could take to show me that is possible and you are unable to do that."

and x

iwas a recycling permit. To enter the recycling centr, ie the dump, as it used to be called, round here you need a permit to prove you are a resident of the area. It takes the form of a car sticker. Otherwise you have to pay to use it. This came in a number of years ago round here. We used to go to the dump in another area but still close by. Since the councils became tight with their budgets, they imposed the restrictions on local residents only or pay to use. It's a grey area with him because he doesn't live in the area now. And is not on the council tax bill. But he still co owns the house. And clearly the stuff he is going to dump should go to the dump where she lives. So actually it's a bloody tactless thing to do in my eyes. Tactless at best. DS2 thinks it probably is him being tactless rather than anything else. But I now have the opinion that it does really matter what his intentions are, because the effect on me is still the same.

Doesn't, not does

iwas the moving back thing. Hadn't given it much consideration. All I have thought about in that respect is that it means the sale of one, maybe two properties, because he would then need somewhere to live. If he did move back in, I would just carry on doing my own thing, dining things as though he wasn't there. So I would tell him to sort out his own food shopping and put his washing elsewhere. And I imagine I would go out a lot!

Izzie from what you have said it's clear that OW won't let go even if he left. So even if he did want to come back and was genuinely sorry and regretful and you took him back I fear you would just go through the hell that you did the last few years.

I hope karma does bite her. I suspect she will always be wondering if he will go back to you so maybe imagine that she is living now what you were the last few years.

Thank you for all your support too, grateful I can give some back. Three slice of cake though, do you think I am a pig? don't answer that x

Thanks iwas I cannot even find the words tonight.

Best I could do sorry

iwas she certainly seems to be worried about me. I won't go into the specifics. But she should be worried. I know the reasons he left. And none of it was about his feelings for her.

iwas

Izzie thanks for the explanation about the permit. It sounds a lot simpler here, you just go to the dump. Do you have all of that colour co-ordinated bins nonsense where you are, we don't have anything like that thankfully.

I suspect in his case, it's likely that as he hasn't officially changed his details, it's just him being tactless by telling you the permit will turn up. But as you say, whatever the reason, the affect is the same.

The moving back thing, I imagine the reality would be more likely your first murderous comment on it. But not something you need to worry about at the moment.

According sorry sweetheart, thinking of you. I guess what he has done today has brought back a lot of memories for you today. [hugs] x

WWK I hope you appreciate all the trouble I am going to putting everything in bold.

Hope you had some promise with the job hunting today.

Yes izzie I know exactly what you mean about being left to clear out all the sodding stuff !!! They just piss off and it is all left. I too have a huge pile of his stuff at the front door waiting for him to collect when he can dig himself out of his "unhappiness" He said he would collect it and still hasn't.

Our meeting was less than 10 mins today - pure admin attending to a tax matter. He actually said our son's name to me today - the first time since he left. He ran out on our life in Feb and had not mentioned him before today - let's act like he ( Our son) has nothing to do with all of this or hasn't been affected by it. I wonder what he would say if he knew that our son told me that he wished he had died.........

Does anyone know what date is for mediation Hobbit and bobs?

Sorry me again with the questions. Is it normal for DC not to want to see their dad? Mine complain he comes round too often, they don't like him putting them to bed. And they seem to have this fear I will ask him to come back.

It seems wrong to me. I try to encourage them and only say good things (out loud) but I think bottom line is they are so much happier now.

Nearly finished my form E for solicitor tomorrow. What a long winded process that is!!

toast how old are they? And can you remind us what the atmosphere was like leading up to his leaving? Sorry, so much stuff on here and I'm being lazy. And it will help others to advise. My sons are young adults

toast sorry but it takes some of us a while to familiarise ourselves with newbies trying to remember stuff about them etc. We do eventually become familiar with people.