HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Thank you bobs my love, I will ask those questions for you and pm you later. FF still being a complete cunt, what's new eh? KOKO everyone. Xx

bobs - thank you - yes twins - not so much ganging up together -DS blames everyone except DF so takes it out on DS and then me - the X knows all this but so far is doing nothing as per usual - me meeting Mr SB is not helping them I know - just something else for them to get their heads around - my plan was to wait another couple of years but someone/something had other ideas - he is like you though drifting - gets it all - a proper grown up! so much to deal with and with the court date approaching who knows what the outcome will be! off to yoga- need it today

big hugs everyonex

exchanged some pleasant chatty messages with him yesterday, couldn't sleep last night and feel shit today, linked ???

hobbit - dont know what you got on today - but hope it goes well (looks like sols or mediation?)x

Good luck hobbit

Thinking of you Hobbit, hope Jess is looking after you xx

The post below in bold is from Twinklestein on Tomato's thread and she's kindly let me post it on here. It struck a chord with me and I thought it might be useful to some of you on here:

"Some people are quite lazy and when they do something wrong they do a certain amount of soul searching, but not too much as that would be boring, and they just want to get on with life and not think about it too much.

Some people find it easier than others to understand emotional responses, to imagine how they would feel in the same situation. Sometimes people have to experience something for themselves to really get it.

It may be that he is one of these and the depth and strength of your emotional response is baffling and frightening to him. He may genuinely not have the remotest idea how to approach you or be around you."

Thanks iwas. And some words for those of us who don't avoid.....

Fairy That's hideous. Burning is probably too good for them but maybe sufficiently dramatic. You might also need to burn the drawer and washer though.

Fairy how awful, I am very sorry. Could you put itching powder in them if you send them back.

Just had text. "Hi hope you're ok?" Then says he's ordered sticker for local recycling centre and please keep it for him. Well he doesn't come under same council. And no doubt a dig that they are doing some work at the house. And worst of all he thinks he can come collect it. Well he can fuck off on all counts. I'm not dignifying it with a reply. If I do anything I may just fwd it to his new address. Which he won't like. A day after 30 th wedding ann!! Twat

fairy I once found a pen the ow had given him. I disposed of it in the park in the dog poo bin. Very therapeutic!

Must be the day for it - mine wants to meet to sign some tax documents..

braving shame they were washed - you could have sold them for 40 quid if the panties thread is accurate !

actually I dont agree with that post about them being lazy - i think its more a case that they dont want to face up to what they may have done wrong because some people see admitting to this and saying sorry as a weakness.

If any of these men had done any soul searching at all none of us would be going through the hell that we have been through - I get that some people find it difficult to deal with emotional stuff but thats what counsellors are for - fine if they just want to get on with life when there is no one else involved but when you have a wife and kids you should be prepared to face up to the shit you have caused and do some very deep soul searching to try and put right some of the damage you have caused

It is the day for it...just had a phone call. The person was asking for the weasel when I asked who was calling they hung up so I called them back.

It was a bloody estate agents! Lots of embarassed silence and 'can they call me back in 5 mins'. WTF!

fairy...As for the pants in the drawer...my god how disgusting...you poor thing. How about writing her name in them and passing them back in public...just in case she mislays them again.

my X sent home OW's sock thinking it was DD's - sent it back telling him he needs to pay more attention - however did think of sending over a pair of mens pants for DD to put in his drawer

must be twunt day - had a reply re DS - X has spoken to someone and waiting for them to get back to him (no doubt this morning) and X also going to speak to GP and DS - just seen some flying pink things in the sky!

not sure why Im feeling ragey today!

Crap day here too, I wish my mother in law just wouldn't bother ringing me tbh, sounds really ungrateful I know but she just waffles on about utter shit, eg her eye test, "what's the weather doing there" er the same as it is where you live 10 minutes down the road, " put a new battery in my watch today so fucking what! What I want her to do is talk some sense into her youngest son and tell him to grow a pair and face head on the 4 lives he's destroyed recently instead of pussyfooting around him, it appears they've all forgotten everything I have done for them all the last 22 years, still not even a text from his brother, pretty hurtful considering this has nothing at all with anything I want

frizzy...some people do seem to waffle about utter shit and completely avoid the large white elephant sitting in the room.

The weasel never got on with his parents but now he's their blue eyed boy and his family haven't spoken to me since 21st Sept 2014. I've been completely cut out after 23 years. I remember the date because I was at a show with my little one and his dad rang me and told me to let his son go (WTF!).

I expected more as well , even when my mum passed away they still didn't ring me.

If he was my son I would give him a right telling off and to sort his f ing life out and not destroy his family.

Good luck for today Hobbit xx

why fairy should know how it works really, my dad left my mum when I was 10 the same age as our daughter, for OW, my nan came round was all angry with my dad etc etc, left 2 days later after helping my mum and that was that really, she never contacted her again, when she died though 5 years ago it was my mum she was calling for in those last hours, hat side of the family seem to go through marriages like underwear, my dads on his 3rd wife and his brother on his 4th, even my nan and grandad ran away together in the 1940,s leaving behind there 1st marriages unheard of in those days to divorce really,

frizzy...that's so sad. Some people just don't see marriage as we do.
The weasels grandmother ran off with another man and her children (his dad and his aunt) were put in care. I know his dad has also had an affair.
His aunts husband also ran off with OW...guess what... he was a police officer.

What is it with police officers? My friends OH Left her after 21 years of marriage, she had no idea at all, until she got home one day with all his stuff packed, he'd sorted out a rental agreement had the keys and just went, he was a nasty man too xxxx

Mine is now being nice after 5 months. Asking for us to go back. It is slightly satisfying, but what it really means is he wants the children back, not me. Not really. Although he wouldn't mind somebody cooking his dinners and organizing his diary, I'm sure. I'm quite content in my council house with the pending job on the way but god, do I miss my friends and my old life.
What will happen if I go back is he will be nice for 6 months max. Then I'll find myself in the same position again, most probably. There is no way on goddess's green earth that I will ever live with my mother again. So I'm staying put because nobody can throw me out of this house except the housing association for not paying rent. I may consider going back to living in his hometown in an apartment of my own, which he would have to subsidize.
But the issues run deeper. My children need to see me in my own culture because they were beginning to think I was a sub-standard Japanese mother, rather than a normal British mother. They didn't understand why I didn't exell at cute bentos and other houswifery skills like the other mothers they knew. So they can see now that I am a competent woman in my own right and my chlidren really needed to see this for themselves. So even if I ever did go back it wouldn't be for a while.

Also, I really feel like I have got off lightly by having the children come and live with me in my own country. The second time round I might not be so lucky because he may prevent them from leaving the country.

It is very tempting to just say "sod this council house lark" and go back to living where I was.