HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

WhyMe

Seriously? You need to ask?

I played a computer game on a date 14 months before he left?

C'mon - that's outrageous!

And I spoke to a man...

Yup...

And I asked him to make a telephone call...

Mr 'Expert in telecommunications...'

But the best baffling part of my unreasonable behaviour...

...the petitioner bought sex pills online which did not please the petitioner.

I am divorced because he had a bad wank....

or he failed to impress women in a sex bar!

As I say "It's all my fault..."

Hi all . I read the forum quite often , can I say that it is incredible all the twunts trot out the same shit making up lies to suit themselves ? Madness.

How far we have all come though is that there is humour , but to anyone who doesn't know me much , I was here in December, joined MN in January . Been fucked about non stop since then by ex.

I cannot say too much . But I will say I wouldn't have got anywhere near to my better place without MN & I sincerely thank every single one of you. Sorry if that sounds like an Oscar acceptance speech but I mean it otherwise I wouldn't say it. I am a person who will tell it how it is . I don't bullshit. I was honest & faithful to her for every single day of our lives together so I have no guilt & I certainly don't mind showing the gang on MN my feeling and how I am feeling because it is real .

Now I know I am the only man on here . So no more fighting over me. One day I hope to meet some of you in RL or all of you but I think with the numbers joining we may need to hire somewhere quite big ! My hot tub just isn't big enough .

But I will never ever forget MN as long as I am breathing. I don't know any of you. But I do know you all know me very well. IYKWIM?

And I don't have a hot tub . Not my cup of tea at all . Rather be outdoors walking my dog.

KOKO all . xxx.

OMG! wwk...divorced because he had a bad wank that would look great when it was researched for TV. As we've said before you couldn't make this shit up.

According Living...that police video is hysterical. Wasn't the weasel though as he's lost so much weight you wouldn't see him above the steering wheel.

Hi drifted...glad to see that you're near that better place.

Thanks izzie iwas green WWK whyme and others who have commented. Just caught up having driven home from my weekend away through the rain. Thanks for your support, it feels better having said it out loud. I think lots of our stories have bits of each other's in and it's nice to know I was not the only one that it was like this for.

He refused counselling of course. Oh well. but I feel a bit better now.

fairy glad you have got some responses from your H, you are doing so well.

Morning all. I tried to post yesterday evening but my internet was down. Back now - phew. Hope everyone survived bank holiday. You made it through Izzie. Will catch up more later. For now, the gravy train beckons. Miserable weather today by the look of it outside. KOKO all xx

Morning all. Just wishing I could get as far away as possible from him, both physically and mentally. It can't come soon enough.

Will catch up with late night posts later

1 thanks. X

I didn't have mental telepathy and didn't know that I was supposed to realise that a day sporting event he went to was important to him and I should have offered to go with him...did he invite me ? Eh - no..............Contrast this with the fact that only a few months before he booked a 3 week hugely expensive holiday to a sporting event without even telling me - or inviting me...

He refused counselling of course

If he can't and/ or won't communicate, believe me, you're better off out of it. Unless you enjoy head fucks.

Sorry Cassa in your case I don't think you are going to get any unbiased advice from me. Reading your post sent my blood pressure rising. The comments about him, I mean.

For you Izzie

whyme I still struggle with why, me too. That's the one question that always floors me when I am having a good day. When I try to answer it the only conclusion I can reach is that he didn't actually care as much as he told me he did. That really hurts

drifted hello, you are safe with me. I am totally off men in dating terms, not for friendships though. I too feel as if I have gained so much from MN since I started posting. That process when the scales finally fell, I felt so stupid, how didn't I see it for what it was?

izzie you are doing brilliantly

fairy he is a prize twat. I don't think you are going to get any support from him with the house, is there anyone else who can help out? I would do that for a friend.

fairy yes it is a form of violence - the past few years for me have been an endless up and down of hope and immense effort by myself only to be dashed again time after time after time. It is like being hung then released over and over again. It wipes you out, it turns you into a liar in your life to others and it sucks the life and emotion out of you. At this moment in time I feel as if I will never have any happiness or even feelings again. I almost envy people when they say they cry - I don't and am not sure what that says about me..that I don't care?

morning ladies & drifting - disappointed to find that there is no hot tub after all this time! it was the party that was keeping me going!
Actually drifting it was probably you being on this thread that gave me the faith to believe all men are not like the X - not afraid to say things how they are - not afraid of feelings! so i thank you for this!

fairy i know exactly where you are be kind to yourself today. If you feel his treatment of you is not right over the last few weeks - read some of the old threads - this was how i came to the conclusion that my marriage had been controlling and ended up speaking to Women's Aid. I have come out the other side and you will too. He hasn't grown up -none of these men have - they have just replaced us with a new version - someone they think will bring them happiness - major flaw here you need to find the happiness yourself first!

I came on here to moan about my kids - I am fed up being abused by them for the X's failings. I had a conversation with my counsellor last week about DS - his behaviour is getting worse again all to do with what is going on and him trying to not deal with it. He is now having to step into his DF's shoes because his DF is failing in his repsonsibility - this involves cutting the grass - he is capable but I am questioning whether he should have to do it. It always ends up with them questioning what the other one is doing and complaining. DS will not accept that he his stronger than DD and that is why he does some things and she does others. This morning I have told them I feel they both need to speak to someone - they have refused - they too say it is all my fault and I should see another counsellor. X basically couldnt give a toss he only sees them once a week & every other weekend so doesn't have this to deal with. I can see them carrying on this abusive behaviour into adulthood if I dont get them straight - I'm banging my head on a brick wall and going round in circles over this.

well apologies I call you this - will revert to wwk

wise - that doesn't say you dont care - it says the opposite- you care so much that you have turned your feelings off to protect yourself - you are empty there is nothing left to give - if you were to carry on you may break.
apologies I am not familiar with your story - but you need some "healing" - have you spoken to a counsellor at all or are you into mindfulness/ meditation. I do both and had always learnt about letting feelings go - with mindfulness there is a part that allows you to acknowledge these "bad" feelings and know that it was perfectly ok to feel like you did - this helps release the feelings that you have blocked - does this make any sense to you - i can tel you more if you are interested.

fairy you are doing so well. My DCs are 4 and 8. It is so enfuriating that they can just leave because they deserve some happiness, with no thought to the devastation they leave behind. At least yours is admitting the hurt he is causing. My H has never shown any guilt or regret or sorrow for me. He acknowledges its not fair, but he's been pretty cold about it all actually. I've told him how devastated I was but he didn't answer. Frustrated that I didn't just accept it and deal with it and move on. I had to take comfort that he had been consistent and never changed his mind.

frizzy I think your DCs are older, but like you, mine has no OW, just decided after so many years that was it.

Green I can see what you have been thru , what you are going through now & I also can see I think the anger from your children that YOU get because your X has f*ed their lives up. I am getting the same from my son . Anger at me. My good friends remind me that people lash out at the one person they are closest too . That is you . It is me.

You , me & all our gang in Hobbits bar didn't ask for this shit. AS WWK has said they were unhappy for months ! They just forgot to tell you or me.

But it seems apparent to me , my ExW was telling OM she was unhappy & he was the reason she f*ed off. But they are welcome to each other.

I care deeply about my ExW even now. You all know we attempted reconciling & it wasn't to be I think it was too soon . We are heading for Nisi & the associated destruction and devastation of nearly 20 years of happiness that she has admitted were brilliant years . What she will not say or have the balls to admit is that she screwed a man behind my back . That is a game changer ( excuse the corporate speak ) but I am trying to say that hold on , being unhappy is one thing ( which she never told me ) but shagging a man , smashing my marriage and thinking I can just forgive you & come back & I will put the kettle on ? Fk that . I have belief in my vows. I still do Green - in my minds eye I can still see ME taking HER back & working this out because I still do love her - I am not afraid to say that to the gang. But I am not letting her see that until we are divorced.

Marriage was sacred to me & still is. I know she didn't do the deed to hurt me , she just got caught up in a game / whirlwind she couldn't help herself. Her brains were in her knickers . My dangly appendage ( as you wonderful ladies refer to with your twunts ) was never going outside of my marriage. If it did I would expect the two bricks treatment - ie wallop and clap the bricks together.

Do trust me when I see this though - I am 100% committed to showing my feelings , I do not lie because if I lie I am not truthful to myself & do not deserve peoples friendship. Lies are the core of what is wrong with all these wankers. They can lie, lie and when they have done that , they can still squeeze another one or two in - to suit what they have done or try & justify it. You cannot justify adultery .

You can apologise and be sorry but it is not justified end of.

Here endeth the lesson . May you go in peace to love yourselves.

KOKO xxx .

green you have twins don't you - and twins do argue a lot. However when they are being targeted - as in doing chores, or anything that is shitty in their lives, they will band together against the 3rd party. In this case it is you, probably because you are the easier target as their DF is not around, and you are the one implementing the rules. In time they should come to respect this but it's tough at the moment and you can only do so much is trying to get them to understand

drifted eloquently put

bobs123 pretty much what I said & thanks for seeing it that way too .

Green You see where we are coming from . It may not the 100% answer , but Bobs123 & myself are seeing it that way.

So it will get better in time because they're angry & you who didn't abandon them are the one to get the s**t. Me too. In time it will pass. Slowly.

Catch up soon all .

drifting lovely words - I get your sentiment exactly - I hope you find happiness in whatever form it comes - you deserve it - Im going now as getting a bit mushy!x

Hobbit thinking of you today