HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Not a misquoted lyric but always amuses me. Genesis I Know What I Like: "me, I'm just a lawn mower, you can tell me by the way I walk". Played it recently and thought the twunt has lost his marbles, so maybe it should be his song

"Have you got any cockporn?"

laughing a lot, good job I didnt spit my beer out, what a waste, anyway long time ago was having a conversation on way from work with friend saying who said this who said that etc and I was driving but got far too nosey and engrossed in the conversation, I said that a person was being persecuted(excuse the spelling, its the Stella Artois) she said "they say Jesus was persecuted" and I said... Jesus Who? do i win? real true life story and will take a lie detector on Jeremy Kyle

Green that luther and janet song came on in car when driving home from hearing DD was terminal, maybe he was trying to tell me something (22 years ago)

green that's it! And another epiphany reached for me.

I wanted him to leave to give me some space - he didn't.
I wanted him to respect my decision to leave and give me some space - he didn't.

I have just had emails/texts/phone calls/face to face snippy comments and ongoing shit since I left him. He has not changed one little bit.

Now he feels all sorry for himself. Tough.

"Jesus who?" Thread winner lol

thank you according Cant believe I'm chuffed at being award winning numbnuts

I have just finished "wurk"! Turned out the 1K of words morphed into 3K of words so rather please to have got that done ahead of schedule. So tomorrow is proper job hunting as I'm getting bored of reject letters and ebaying. Tonight is wine night!

Cassa you can blame who you like for your marriage breakdown - that's not the point. The point is that if you're struggling with it and giving yourself a hard time, then you present yourself here and get either sympathy (most likely) or a kick up the bum (occasionally). It's hard being responsible adults sometimes. According to MrSW, I am 100% responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, but I will always state the case that they way he ran-away leaving me in a deplorable mess (financially and emotionally) is the actions of an A-grade cunt. I don't need to be perfect but, I'm afraid, neither do I need be an A-grade cunt. There's a middle ground. He missed it by a long shot. But, that doesn't change how I feel, I can still hurt, and miss (parts of him) even though I know he's a dirty disgusting human being. I think that makes me human. I can't turn back time and 'undo' things, but then neither do I want to. I can be bloody angry too. That's the process - reconciling yourself to 'meh' - shit happens. It was fucking hard. I survived. It's just gonna take time to get ordained in the mecca of meh.

So stop making everything 100% your fault - because it never is that way.

Toast Yes, it's amazing how they morph into Dad of the Year. I don't think it lasts though...proper parenting is hard - so they leave you to it!

Ali you have to get all assets valued (or agree them) as part of a divorce process, sadly. But please don't get bullied out of the home.

His behaviour coming to the house yesterday was out of order. He insisted on coming. Sure that's his right...just as I have the right of 'freedom of speech' but if I know that I'm writing/saying something that's likely to upset and offend someone, I can choose to take into account their feelings, can't I? Rights or no rights! That's the distinction. I don't know all that much on the law but when I was in the thick of FDA/criminal trial week, I was clearly spending some time with my designated police officer person (nice chap) and I said I was fearful MrSW would come to the home. He said ring the police on the non-emergency number - if he starts shouting at you in public - it's a breech of the peace. So I don't know if that applies to you? I don't really know enough about it and I'm a bit hazy on memory from that time (all things considered it was a stressful time!).

Semtex I am delighted with the improvement of IT skills on this thread - it was one of our early attempts at self-improvement! Now if Iwas could learn how to bold names my life's work will be complete.

Bobs/Hobbit I know you're both into the countdown into the next 'event' as it were, those days are dreadful - the event can't come soon enough (to get it out of the way) but at the same time you don't want them happening at all (horribly stressful). Do PM me if you think there's anything I can say/do to help.

Green good to see you again. It's lovely reading how you're so much happier these days.

WWK quotes (well quite a bit on my own thread...) caught spending (speeding), premediated murder (premeditated murder) spring to mind! But my best one was at a family funeral:

"I am his brother" to the dearly departed's CEO. Apparently, I had a sex-change that day...

Thank you for recognising my IT skills WWK thats why I probably havent had time for my Form E, must do this week, must do this week

According "I have just had emails/texts/phone calls/face to face snippy comments and ongoing shit since I left him. He has not changed one little bit.

Now he feels all sorry for himself. Tough." Good on you and tell him to stick his hoover up his backside!

WWK I can do bold, I just can't be bothered most of the time, but will make more effort. Good luck with the job hunting tomorrow, I am sure you will find something soon. Enjoy the

oh, Iwas you're a 'nag' too. I was divorced for playing a computer game! One night 14 months before he left me...

Apparently I should have chatted to him whilst he was watching a programme on TV.

I am the mistress of "wife fail"!

Yey Iwas - it's just that I struggle when people write wwk or well - especially the latter as I don't know if they are addressing me or just exclaming.

The presence or lack of ! doesn't assist...

So thanks for obliging!!!!

me too, I never took any notice of himwas on laptop, but he never took any notice of me but he said it so it must be true

bollock IT skill fail, sorry wwk what a one hit wonder I am

Semtex it was just the lack of 'space' you struggled with there after him. Ironically.

very funny .. story of my fucking life.. and on that note I shall retire x

WWK how very unreasonable of you, they should have our undivided attention all of the time. He wasn't bitter then...

Yes apparently I "nagged" him a lot which included telling him his dinner was ready when it was inconvenient because he was in the middle of something!

I also asked him about one of the texts with OW which mentioned a massage. He said he'd been working outside doing lifting work and it was hot so had taken his tee-shirt off and not put sun cream on and had got his back sunburnt. So he got OW to massage aftersun into his back because he didn't want to tell me he had got sunburnt because he "wouldn't have heard the end of it" whereas OW was of course very sympathetic and didn't nag him about it!

fairy your emotions and thoughts will jump around for a while, but the fact that you have acceptance today is bloody good. KOKO xx

I'm off to bed now. KOKO all xx

Fairy really pleased you feel that you have had some progress and that he showed some remorse and emotion. Good too that he is at least making some attempt to be slightly more considerate to your feelings re OW. I am pleased you have had some reasons for his behaviour that make some sense to you.

I recently had some long chats with my ex-DH about everything that has happened both during our marriage and afterwards when he moved straight in with OW. It didn't mitigate anything he had done, but some of it was helpful to me in understanding a bit more some of what had happened.

Look after yourself.

Izzie sleep well, you got through the weekend. KOKO. x

Iwas, perhaps I shouldn't mention that I was also divorced for talking to a man and not deferring to MrSW.

Yup. Crime of the century: woman speaks to man. Intelligibly.

I mean, fair enough, if I'd jumped into bed with him. But this was just a casual five minute chat over the boundary gate! And in my defence I thought I was being all civilised and polite.

fairy...I'm glad you've got some sort of explanation out of him and that you're feeling a bit better.

I still struggle with the 'why' and I know I'll never get any proper answers.
The weasel has never acknowledged what he's done.

Cassa...you have every right to be on this thread...some of the things you said I also thought applied to me. I initially took most of the blame. But when I've looked back.. this is what he made me think. Because he can't take responsibility for anything.
As for ending the marriage and trying to destroy me...well that's all him. Despite what he did I would have done anything to save the marriage but he never gave it a chance.

Perhaps in the back of my mind I think that if I had given him more attention he would still be here but for how long. I can't compete with barbie dolls.

Some days I'm so hurt for my children...I never wanted them to come from a broken home.

And the weasel also appeared to think that he should have had my attention 100% of the time as I've probably said before but unfortunately I watched Coronation Street on Sky+ when he came in from work and I didn't greet him at the door!

"I was also divorced for talking to a man" Haha WWK my ex tosser wanted me to get dressed up in high heels and stockings and go sit at a bar in a hotel and wait to get chatted up while he watched all under his control of course to "float his boat"

Disclaimer - I never did!

wwk...that's shocking... I never realised you were so unreasonable. It was obviously grounds for divorce. What else did you do?

You're right the system is fundamentally flawed. Their behaviour should be taken into account and blame attributed.

A few months before the weasel left he actually told a friend that I had ran off with a 60 year old man and she circulated the news.

He thought it was hysterical.

I haven't a clue why he said that.

The weasel asked for a french stick in a bakery shop...problem was we were in Paris. Twat!