HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Sorry been off drinking sherry while going through p/w updating info stbx has recently deigned to provide. Bit irritating as have given him 2 proposals, then he comes up with another (large) asset so have to back pedal and redo shit! Have discovered that coming up to any meetings it's way better to prepare a few days before the event. If done the day before it's impossible as everything's a blur (bit blurry now actually )

Will this do? (we do pudding here as opposed to desert!) Luuuuurv ice cream and hoping there's some well chopped banana in there somewhere

Thank you Living.

Frizzy

Bobs I'm getting hungry now looking at that waits for sarcastic remark from Izzie

Appropriate iwas as my twatface is going to be out of time if he doesn't get his finger out by Wednesday. Think if I don't hear from him i'll phone and just play it down the phone he still won't get the message though despite the fact he used to be in Mensa

Hey Bob mine was in Cuntsa, criteria for membership, thick as shit but thinks you're cleverer than the wife, (he who thinks steak & ale pie was made of steak and dead owls) lifetime membership I think he was honoured

Hi all, I, struggling with my separation and this is why. I am to blame. Was with my H 20 years, married about 10. But over the last couple of years we just grew apart, he was always so busy at work, I was busy at work, children, doing up a house. But we just never had any fun together, we never did stuff for just us, and I didn't realise it but we just got further apart. I took him for granted that he'd always be there, we'd go out socially and I'd speak to anyone but him (because we could talk at home, and this was to catch up with other people), but we never did speak at home. He would never confide in me about things, he's extremely emotionally close and private and we were both unhappy and lonely. We actually were each always trying to keep the other one happy, but never discussed it together, and so it didn't keep the other one happy or make ourselves happy. I see it all with complete clarity now in hindsight. How did I let my relationship with the man I utterly love even now fail so badly. And I wasn't very nice to him, and we never properly communicated, so things just didn't happen because we both avoided conflict. He finally realised he was unhappy and it was with his life and his marriage but didn't say anything to me to make me realise he was having such doubts, I though we were having a bad patch, but the children would get older and life would get easier etc. till it was delivered to me as a done deal. And now he's left and is enjoying having control back.

The thing is he could have written any number of post on hear about his miserable wife, who was depressing and negative, and didn't repsect him and everyone would have said, LTB, life's too short etc.

So I feel a fraud on here because my H wasn't mean, wasn't abusive, and actually he's probably right to have gone. But I was never given a chance to fix it, and there was nothing fundamental which couldn't have been worked through. So I am devastated because he was a nice man who got worn down by life and I didn't help and so I do blame myself, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Somehow I just felt I had to come clean. And it makes it very hard for me to call him names etc because I understand how it all came to this. As usual I have run away from the family home at the weekend and I'm down because I have to return with DCs for school tomorrow.

Blimey, go out for the day and come back to find a veritable disco going on..

I'm not going to tell everyone how tall I am, I think I am Amazonian in comparison to you lot!

We had a gorgeous day today, the sun shone until about 3pm, then it pissed it down for the return journey. BUT it was a fantastic day, just me and my lovely girls, made me feel so chilled and happy.

Now off for a proper catch up with my very welcome glass of red.

Gah, nodding along to the comments about feeling more free, making my own decisions, so true! I used to hate shopping with H. He was such a miserable fucker anyway, this side of him came out worse during shopping trips.

Roz this "We watched what he wanted at the cinema and TV. Went where he wanted on holidays, did what he chose on weekends. Everything was for and about him. " me too and it had totally gone out of my head until I read what you wrote.

Toast "I dare to say anything he deems as "not very nice" I get the tutting and telling me how unreasonable I am these days." snap

iwas congratulations on the linkage

Ali do what YOU want to do, not what he tells you.

Cassawoof sounds to me like you two could probably have used some couples counselling. Is this something your H would consider?

Cassa a lot of what you wrote could have been my marriage. And a number of other people's. And I notice that your ex didn't let you know he was unhappy. Well neither did mine. He did nothing when I told him I was unhappy. But he took off when it suited him, when all the communication issues and all the shit that happened over recent years had destroyed things.

There is no way Cassa that you are a fraud on this thread. This thread is for anyone experiencing the end of a marriage/ltr, however it happened. You are finding it hard to come to terms with.

Cassa do you not think that being presented with a fait accompli is pretty shitty? Well I do. But then maybe I'm too close to this one to comment objectively. I will leave this to others

Last comment on this. I hold myself at least equally to blame for the collapse of my marriage. Until I left briefly seven years ago. And after that I entirely blame the ex. He put me through hell. Me and my sons. And for that I will hold him in utter contempt until the day I die.

I won't hate him, I'm not going to waste my life being bitter. But I've lost all respect for him. He's damaged goods. I don't want to be reminded of the past. We will eventually go entirely our separate ways. That's my aim

Right that's it. Going off to be all about me again

Cassa what a very honest post. It's amazing that you can see things so clearly. You are not being a fraud on here as this thread for anyone finding it tough, and we all have different reasons. I guess you will find a lot of what you read on here irrelevant to you, but then so do I at times.

I would just say that he could have given your marriage more of a go - ie counselling etc. but then if he was a private person it wouldn't be in his nature.

Does anybody else get ruled by the fact they can suddenly do things they never did before?

This evening he told me he plans to get more involved with DC schools and what after school clubs they are doing. Occasionally pick them up from school, that kind of thing.

One of the unreasonable behaviour reasons I put that he never showed any interest in the DC schooling or had any flexibility to help look after them.

It annoys me. It really does.

Cassa - I asked mine to leave. He didn't choose to. That's why sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud. It's difficult when it's not clear cut.

Toast mine would spend hours playing an online game, to the point where he would literally get up make himself a coffee at weekends then log in and play. Forget anything needing to be done in the house.

I got so angry when he would conduct conversations and sometimes bark orders towards my DD while still staring at the screen. I got used to looking at the back of his head and often felt the urge to punch it while walking past

Now, he doesn't play any more (allegedly) and is all "I want to spend more time with DD" bemoaning the fact she was only with him Saturday morning to yesterday lunchtime.

Does anybody else get ruled by the fact they can suddenly do things they never did before

That appears to be the case when they have young children. Those with adult children seem to disappear off the radar

I got used to looking at the back of his head and often felt the urge to punch it while walking past

In the months leading up to his leaving there was a very heavy hammer in the kitchen. One day he was winding me up so much I threw the hammer out into the garden before I was tempted to use it on him.

I have to say that nobody ever comes close to asking me lose it like he did. And I was wound up when I wrote my reply to Cassa. But less than five minutes later I was meh again. I'm seriously detaching.

He never played computer games, was just always busy - work, DIY, garden. Never ever sat down to be with me or the DC. Sounds wonderful but it wasn't.

He's been uber helpful this evening, explaining to me how I need to budget for things like maintenance of my house (no shit Sherlock) and how he can help me choose my new house. He calls this "being concerned", I call it "keeping control of me"

Izzie "Those with adult children seem to disappear off the radar"

Funny you should mention this, he apparently sent my oldest a text inviting her to lunch with him and youngest. If she hadn't had her friend over here for the weekend she says she was tempted to go but after the AA fuckwittery at the weekend she says she cant be bothered now. I'm glad she sees through him too but I hope she can feel she is allowed to make her own mind up about this.

"One day he was winding me up so much I threw the hammer out into the garden before I was tempted to use it on him"

I had to leave the room on many occasions, the back of the head and snippy comments being made from it gave me the serious rage. I swear I am not a violent person in any way but he caused me to feel like I could be, only with him though. Tosser!

Anyway, I am glad you are finding it easier to detach lovely X

Toast mine was ever so helpful offering to help me pack and move. I turned him down. He still managed to be there on the day I moved out and proceeded to just sit there and not lift one finger to help at all.

"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart"

Seven long years. Time and time again.

No more.

I Will Survive

.

Hey Bob mine was in Cuntsa, criteria for membership, thick as shit but thinks you're cleverer than the wife, (he who thinks steak & ale pie was made of steak and dead owls) lifetime membership I think he was honoured

SEMTEX bloody fantastic - made me laugh !!!!