HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

When I told people in work I told them they were to not mention it unless I did and that they were to treat me as normal. I sort of assumed that being treated as normal didn't assume I would be working at full speed. I still don't really. The main part of the job I'm 100%, but the peripherals I've just left hanging. Lack of energy. Saving it for home

1 would send them an email just saying that things are a bit tricky atm as you and H are having a few issues and can they keep this to themselves for the moment.

Re DC, they will be getting a good idea of what's going on. You mentioned something your DS said not too long ago. You will probably find eventually that they have discussed it between themselves but have not wanted to approach either of you until you talk to them.

Re dogs - make sure you put costs for them on your expenses for the future - they can get expensive as they get older (arthritis etc)

why hope you are ok re lung condition

As you all might have gathered from my posts, I'm a bit like Hobbit (hi sweetie!) at the moment in that I too have mediation next week and I can't concentrate too much on anything deep or long. all I have in my head is the finances (and I'm not even sure if that's in there either)

So I can only focus on the lighter stuff - Izzie you can't cut your grass as it'll be still too wet. You should have cut it Friday like me (instead of halo)

bobs I Will follow your orders re the grass! I was thinking about washing the Izmobile as it's looking a bit lived in, shall we say. But I haven't put my make up on today. I won't venture out to the front garden without it on, I do have some pride! I was warned off the car washing thing at the local supermarket, been told there have been a lot of complaints re scratching cars. So I will have to resort to doing it myself. Will have to get on a ladder to clean the roof of it! Maybe that's a job for during the week. Yep, it can wait.

Friday I was busy sorting out the new thread

Morning everyone. I slept in until 9.30, because I'd been awake every few hours (tmi?) with a very heavy period. Have had horrible cramps too so my Getting Things Done hasn't happened. Also had one of my odd, not-exactly-a-migraine yesterday.

The aura developed, while I was driving, which wasn't great. Then the sun seemed extraordinarily bright. Then a headache, but not a migraine headache.

I had been shopping for furniture with DC - stuff they were buying and I noticed again how much more relaxed doing anything is without H. We went to a shop I'd often visited with H and the contrast was so great. I was constantly on edge with him, doing the managing and placating thing, keeping the bastard happy. No wonder I was so tired all the time. I used to feel permanently exhausted, dragging myself through life, forcing myself to do the simplest thing.

It makes me very regretful and sad to know I spent such a large part of my life with the twunt, catering to his whims, trying to be what he wanted, a bit part in his drama. With this new perspective afforded by space and time I can see it was all about him and his drama. Everything. I'm sure this is because he was so damaged by his childhood, but I no longer feel responsible to fix him. Nor do I feel it excuses him. He was genuinely too damaged to live normally but that's not my concern anymore.

I think that's why he desperately wants us to be "friends". He needs me to listen and understand as he struggles with life. Well too bad, I'm not a psychologist. Also I'm a real person too, my needs and wants are just as important as his. I've spent 18 years in a marriage where the unspoken understanding was that I was there to fill his needs, to serve him. In his eyes I really, really was secondary to him, in everyway.

He was generous with money to be spent on my appearance, because it was important to him that I look good. But he preferred/ insisted on choosing my clothes etc. He didn't like it when I took that into my own hands and was genuinely surprised when I was perfectly capable of it.

We watched what he wanted at the cinema and TV. Went where he wanted on holidays, did what he chose on weekends. Everything was for and about him.

Now all I have to do is rediscover who I am. Not a doormat anymore, or a bit player, or an endless supporter with no needs of my own. It's an adventure and I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Turned into a rant again. Sometimes I don't fully understand what I think and feel til I write it down. This thread helps me achieve clarity.

Rozalia - were you living my life?!! Can totally get what you are saying about existing only to be what they wanted. I have struggled a lot with what I want. Even to the extent of not knowing what to buy in the supermarket because I don't actually know what I like to eat.

It's strange having to figure out who I am at 40.

My STBEH is here today, mowing the lawn and things like that. Finishing my jam when he made himself some breakfast. He's just come in and made a coffee without even asking if I might want one. Yet if I dare to say anything he deems as "not very nice" I get the tutting and telling me how unreasonable I am these days.

WhyMe hope you're feeling a bit better today and younger than 85. I might look younger than my age apparently but I feel older than it! So tired all the time, but the late nights probably don't help.

Izzie hope you are okay today. Thanks for the link cheekycow I will try it out in a minute.

It's overcast here and chilly and is supposed to rain heavily from mid afternoon.

According have a lovely day in Torquay, you could stay at Fawlty Towers!

Wise I know what you mean about being tired. Hope you have a good day too.

1 I think an email back to your friends saying that you and HRT are having a few problems and it's not a good time would be fine. I totally understand how you feel about not feeling ready to talk to people in real life about it, I took ages. My sister knew what was happening before my children did and I did speak to a friend as well. Although I only spoke to her because she knew both my husband and OW.

Braving I think my ex-DH would have liked our dog, but we've kept him and ex-DH takes him out regularly. It's mainly worked okay.

Bobs hope the mediation is more productive this time, look after yourself. Well done on cutting the grass!

Rozalia ah the curse, just take it easy today, hope the headache, at least, has gone today. Pleased you had an enjoyable time looking for furniture. I think it's not until they have left that you see how much better some things are. I hope you have a lovely adventure and I am sure you will, it is much deserved. x

Toast I'm rediscovering me at 55. Oh to be 40 again .

I'm relearning about food too. Because of STBXH's obsession with my weight, I haven't eaten a mouthful in 18 years without wondering about its effect on my weight. I've dramatically lost weight because of stress due to his affairs or general cuntishness. I've been overweight because I'm madly comfort eating, craving carbs. I've exercised myself to injury.

So now, with the help of my fitness pal, I'm recalibrating the whole appetite thing. My exercise is long dog walks and gardening. Even this weekend the twunt asked me if I was still exercising. This would mean using the gym equipment he bought but left behind because he got himself new stuff. He doesn't count my kind of exercise as exercise at all. Well, not his business.

I'm also accused of "not being nice" these days. Of being cold. WTF do they expect? Well I think we know what they expect, Toast, fucking everything plus a bit more, tied up with a big bow.

Ha Roz periods are just such fun, especially when going through stress (and possible peri-menopause) I discovered mooncups years ago (other brands available) which I use with pads. They pretty well do their own thing...2 a month? no problem. Extra heavy? why not! Lasting more than 2 weeks? yup

If it is peri-menopause, I'm looking at my situation as a BOGOF (ie menopause and divorce) However I haven't had a hot flush or night sweat yet...

Roz Toast I learnt years ago to laugh at him openly when he made any put down comments, or simply say "really?" with a smile and raised eyebrows, or "I'll have to check that one out" He wasn't to know what I really felt inside but it helped me deal with not letting him see he was getting to me

This thread helps me achieve clarity

Absolutely

Roz in my case I found I made most of the decisions apart from the really major ones. I decided where to go on holiday, what we would do etc. because he never bloody took it upon himself. One of my gripes was that I would have limed hi to have been more proactive. However, in hindsight, the decisions he made in the last few years perhaps reinforces it was best left in my hands. What I think is quite funny is that he wasn't someone who was spontaneous. He used to stop me rushing ahead with things and make me slow down and think about things. The one spontaneous decision he made, ie to leave home after a row........well very ironic!

That last sentence of mine. That must be the only thing I haven't thrown at him since he left. Pah, missed that one! Cos now I don't text. Risen above it. Bugger!

Has to be peri, surely, at 55. My birth mother told me she didn't go through the menopause until 60. I thought she was lying, she hadn't been too honest generally. Looks like I did her a disservice.

I have thought about a moon cup but I also keep thinking all this is going to stop soon, so I wouldn't get much use out of it. Been thinking that for some years.

I had hot flushes when twunt first left last year, but after 4 weeks they completely stopped. So maybe it was stress. Or a stop start thing.

Dang it Izzie a missed opportunity!

I'm having a bit of a sort out in the main bedroom aka junk room. Been sorting through the tools up there. I've been getting quite excited about finding things that would be useful either here or in the next house. I'm starting to squirrel them away. Thinking about sorting them into plastic boxes and labelling them. Six months ago I wouldn't let go of the ladder when painting and didn't have much confidence in doing DIY, let alone enjoying it. At the start of all this, there were various jobs I thought I would have to get someone in to do, just no confidence. And now I think, sod that, I'll have a go myself. Have youtube, do DIY. And what I can't do, I will get my brother to show me. Go me!

Roz I will have to get it into a conversation somehow. All very pleasant and trying not to laugh. I'm imagining it now. Obviously though would rather not see the twat at all. Oh alright, just once for this

Menopause. I reckon I had mine maybe early 40s. Sailed through it. In fact I had forgotten about periods. It's wonderful. And a few months ago had no idea what a mooncup was!

Afternoon ladies - trying to catch up but this thread moves so fast - thinking
of you izzie hope you are ok today

just want to say Keep believing ladies - Karma is doing its stuff this end!

KOKO xx

Haha good for you Izzie anything that makes you feel good about yourself is, well, good! then there's the satisfaction of relaxing with a after!

There was a great thread on MN - something like "Throat hairs and other joys of peri-menopause" Seems like everything can be attributed to it at our age - wanting to kill someone etc but would it stand up in court as a valid reason

Personally, even though I'm 55 too, I don't think I'm going through it, rather all my symptoms are stress related. But who knows

Just been reading Izzie's link to Marilyn Stowe and WWK's to the forum. At this point it just sets my heart racing. It's the not knowing I think of what's going to happen.

And why can't I find any frigging info on Arbitration? Lots of info on who does it and how it works in theory, but not much practical info

Green come on, tell us. Off thread?

Naah Green - just tell us and give us a nice warm fuzzy feeling

so funny remember all that stuff I said about twitwoo being used to goad me - more evidence of this if recent happenings are anything to go by!

iwas Mecca of "Meh" - i am a convert!

Hello Green, we want to know x

Green "Meh" great news!! x

all ill say its to do with BC and insurance - no doubt the Twunt will feel hes entitled!