Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:

countingto10 · 30/04/2015 07:53

Please go to the doctors, when my DH's upped and left out of the blue (straight to OW ), leaving me with 4DCs (2 with SNs), I was put on diazepam for week as I couldn't stop being sick etc from the shock, there is no shame. And don't worry about getting help with the DTs, my mum and sister were my rocks at that time, my sister coming straight from work to help me with bath time and bedtimes etc. I really wasn't functioning, I was in a state of trauma like you.

Phoning work is a good idea, to start planning and taking control and hopefully you will have started the legal process if only to register your interest in the house!!!!!!

Ask the doctor for some counselling too, that will help with off loading .

Above all be kind to yourself, treat yourself to something, a magazine, nail vanish eg. Take care, one day at a time ......

Dumdedumdedum · 30/04/2015 07:54

Good for you. That is an excellent plan. You are taking control. It's great that you have a sense of purpose. Seeing the doctor will help and you don't need to tell your H about it, so he won't be able even to try to use it against you. Also, if you go back to work sooner rather than later, it will give you something other than his betrayal and his turning your world upside down to focus on during the daytime. Good luck for today.

Ledkr · 30/04/2015 07:59

just in case you missed my earlier post I am a social worker and can promise you that a trip to the gp to say you are struggling after this will not jeopardise your position as a mother.
Social services will not be told and as you have your mum to help when you are struggling then that's fine.

I remember that anger about him being able to just start a shiney new life, it used to wake me up too.
It's hard because we also wouldn't want to not have our kids would we?
Going back to work is a good plan.
If you ring tax credits they will give yiu an idea of what benefits you could get, maintainence isn't tajen into account so go for plenty

Ledkr · 30/04/2015 08:03

I would also urge you to do one fun activity with the kids this weekend.
Walk then picnic or a nice swim.
It will lift your spirits and be soothing for them.
I'm alone all weekend, if we are near I'll meet you with my dds.

Ledkr · 30/04/2015 08:03

We are in glos

dangerrabbit · 30/04/2015 08:04

Ophelis

I've just read all three of your threads. I am in awe of how you are coping! I think your latest plan with work sounds a great idea, and don't be ashamed of seeking support from your GP, it is a sign of strength and capacity for self-reflection, capacities your STBX and his OW do not have, and which will no doubt prove their downfall. Don't worry, they will find the happiness they deserve, while you will rise

Mama1980 · 30/04/2015 08:08

Morning ophelia sounds like you have a good plan. Taking control will help eventually I promise.
Your gp won't judge you. I have PTSD and when I adopted my youngest after this, the fact I sought treatment was considered a positive not a negative, the judge said it obviously meant I could be trusted to be aware and take care of myself.
I agree with ledkr if you're Up to it try to do something nice with you children this weekend even if it's only small. Nothing like your children to centre you. You are in no way a bad mother, take all the help you can get.
X

HootyMcTooty · 30/04/2015 08:13

You are not a bad mother, not even close! Nobody could survive this without leaning on family and friends. You need to do whatever it takes to get through this transition, but you will come out of this stronger.

Do not send your DTs to the nursery by his work, it will only allow him to continue his control.

If you want to go back to work then that's a good move, work can be a wonderful distraction. However, if it's not what you really want I wouldn't rush into doing anything just yet, this could just be a panicked reaction by you. Work out what you stand to get in child maintenance and tax credits and take it from there.

Dumdedumdedum · 30/04/2015 08:19

Oh, and another yes to as registering your interest in the house you live in asap.

MaMaof04 · 30/04/2015 08:36

Dear Ophelie
Yesterday must have been living hell.
Believe me we all wish them the worst- but you know what Ophelie, as infuriating and as sad as this might sound it might be that they will be happy for ever as happy as a solid couple can. And you can do nothing. And we can do nothing. And Karma might not knock on their door. They just impersonated Satan in your life but they will go on with theirs as Angels. It is tough.
And now I will repeat what all the wise MN ladies said to you:
It is tough. Very tough/ Life is not fair. But c'est la vie...
And I think that you are beginning to see that and to accept it. You are spiritually growing up. Tearing yourself from your teen love and growing into an adult well-rounded person. Your behavior and composure were regal and they will continue being so. You are a very good mum and your suffering will make you into an even better mum and human being. Your last post signals a turn in your attitude in this hellish situation: you were sitting and bending under the strikes of fate- their evil behavior- but now you are getting up and fighting back- not against them, with your wisdom and modesty you understood a long time again that you it would be a lost war- but for you Ophelie and for twins. We all trust you. You will win. You will resume work and life as a single mum and you will shine through your new roles. Good Luck!

Weebirdie · 30/04/2015 08:57

Ophelia you're a fab mum and 'onehellofawoman'.

Please dont be afraid to go to the Drs, you are human, no one will judge you, and it certainly wont be held against you.

And yay to work!

mamaneedsamojito · 30/04/2015 08:57

Great plan on both the doctor and the job. There's no shame in asking for a little help when you need it and it's a responsible, brave step (not a reflection that you are too weak to cope) which proves you're putting the interests of you and your twinnies first.

I've recently returned to work after 12 months on maternity and although I was wracked with guilt and desperately sad about leaving my DS at nursery for the first two weeks, it's actually been brilliant. I have reclaimed some independence (both financial and personal) and it's actually a break (rest isn't quite the right word) from 24/7 childcare which is an extremely hard job, and much harder as a single Mum. Plus you have to force on that 'game face' in front of your colleagues giving you less time to ponder and wallow in what a total cock your H is.

You should feel so proud of yourself for taking such big, positive steps forward.

FructoseTart · 30/04/2015 09:06

Well done Ophelia. For not running over to them and making a scene (I wouldn't have been able to handle myself in that situation)
You have been extremely brave throughout all of this.

Yy to doctors! They are there to help you and may even give you some guidance on where else you may be able to get help from.

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 30/04/2015 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobian123 · 30/04/2015 09:21

Just to echo the comments of some previous posters...you are being the best mother you can be because you are taking care of yourself. The twins will be enjoying time with their gps.

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 30/04/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClareAbshire · 30/04/2015 09:40

Oh OpheliaRose. Like so many on here I'm rooting for you. I've been where you are and the night before last after reading your thread I had a dream about my ex. He left me suddenly, in the lurch and for someone else. It's been nearly ten years now and my life is totally different (and, may I add, very happy) but in the dream I felt that searing, unwritable, burning pain. I had forgotten it. It's terrible. It does get better though. I promise.

Rosieliveson · 30/04/2015 09:58

Morning Ophelia, yesterday must have been so awful for you but, on the positives, it's done. You have seen them together and you no longer need to dread that.
Of course they look happy. They are in the first flush. That will soon fade when the hoovering needs doing, WF misses her space and his shirts need ironing.
You are moving on, making a new life for yourself and the twins. It may hurt like hell but you don't have any guilt or shame to live with. When the twins are old enough to understand why you and he are no longer together you will be able to hold your head high.
Good luck for today. Be kind to yourself xx

whereismagic · 30/04/2015 10:19

Just wanted to say that your ability to recover and to thrive doesn't depend on him feeling guilty and remorseful. You can do it all by yourself, don't give him (even in your mind) control over how you feel. You can get a closure without him saying anything to you.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 30/04/2015 11:18

Well done Ophelia - good plans X

Working will definetly help your mental health - it did me when H left.
It gave me a distraction, helped my self worth and helped me to feel "connected" to others.

On a practical level- you will get more tax credits too.

Going to the doctor - yes yes and yes again. I know I mentioned it on your first thread but talking to my doctor helped me immensely.

You are NOT a bad mother!! Banish that thought immediately! When H left I too let my mum have the DC - I wanted to contain my emotions around them,( and then cry all evening when they had gone to bed) but like you I'm only human , and that wasn't possible all of the time - so it really was in their best interests to protect them from my sobs and let my mum have them when things were just too unbearable.

Cleorapter · 30/04/2015 12:12

Hi Ophelia,

I have read each of your threads with horror at his ABHORRANT behaviour and complete admiration for the way you are dealing with this. You are amazing.

I just wanted to join the voices supporting you, sadly eight years ago I found myself in a similar boat to you (although in my Ex's case there were many, many women and he was a nasty secretly EA coke addicted prick to boot) I walked in on him with a woman in my bed, he kept money away from our daughter and I, refused to leave the home we shared, and was generally a nasty (nastier) piece of work after the split.

I got so down and depressed I very nearly took my own life, only having my daughter stopped me.

Then I went back to work. I became stronger day by day, more independant, and eventually, was happy. It was the best thing I ever did, and it'll be the same for you I'm sure.

Your are incredibly strong (even if you don't feel it at the moment) and an incredible mother. One day you'll come out the other side and life will be good again.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 30/04/2015 12:52

It's so lovely to have so many messages of support and examples of how you wonderful ladies have got through similar situations.

I'm seeing the Dr later today and am meeting my boss for lunch tomorrow to talk through options. He was horrified to hear what has happened and told me that they will find a way to supportable in whatever situation I decide to proceed in.

Feeling very drained right now

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 12:58

Get a drink and lunch and watch TV for a bit. Let your body rest.

tumbletime · 30/04/2015 12:59

You are making such amazing progress, well done and I have massive amounts of respect to you. Arranging to see your gp and your boss are great accomplishments and brilliant that your boss sounds like he is going to be really helpful and supportive. No wonder you're feeling drained with the emotions you must be going through but you should be so proud of yourself, you are doing brilliantly in a horrendous situation. x

tumbletime · 30/04/2015 12:59

*respect for you

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 38 39

Swipe left for the next trending thread