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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 29/04/2015 23:08

rocky road

123Jump · 29/04/2015 23:13

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, without a care in the world....what is wrong with him?!
Please try to drink plenty of water, and stay under that duvet tonight and please God you'll sleep.

Zebda · 29/04/2015 23:14

Ackk Ophelia! I've been quietly reading threads 1, 2 and now 3, rooting for you and absolutely flabberghasted by each new awfulness your disgusting H has subjected you to in only 8 days! I think you have received fantastic advice so had/have nothing extra to add, but feel a strong need to add my voice to all the other wise and wonderful ladies here telling you: you are strong, amazing and dignified (this last word features a lot, and it is a wonderful atribute you are demonstrating to us all). You are a wonderful mother to your DTs, genuinely. Your Ex H is an absolute twat and you WILL get through this.

Literally hundreds of women here are rooting for you, willing you on, and sending you strength. I really hope you feel this, and that it gives you some of what you need to get through it

Cherryapple1 · 29/04/2015 23:18

so sorry - what a shock.

Your headache will prob be hunger and dehydration plus upset on top. Please try to drink and eat something little. I survived on smoothies, yoghurt and porridge for some time. Whatever you need to do is fine.

Your Mum is grand btw. Could you go and stay with her for a few days. Have a proper bit of nurturing?

MilesHuntsWig · 29/04/2015 23:46

Another one rooting for you here Ophelia. You've been amazing and you will be even more amazing without that twat to weigh you down.

Echoing others about water and food btw, please try to look after yourself a bit even if you end up eating a toddler's wish list.

TakemeforwhatIam · 30/04/2015 00:28

So sorry ophelia, I hope you are tucked up in bed sleeping I just got in form work and had to see if you were ok today, so sad to see he has stooped to another new level I suggest listening to Christina aguleria (sp?) fighter for a bit of a pick me up tune, cheesy but does the trick most of the time.

ninawish · 30/04/2015 03:47

Rooting for you and delurking here in Australia -read all 3 threads from the beginning and my emotions have been shifting from remain dignified to plaster the pics of him pleasuring himself over her on his Facebook to shoot him - after this last episode tho I don't think he is worth any of that. He is lower than the shit on my shoe Taking her to lunch in public a mere days since leaving his family is the lowest of the low. Just cut everything all ties - insist on communication through yr DB or family, remove all his belongings from house, block his number and get rid of anything where you can see his photo stream.

You are well rid of this utter revolting scum

TinTinsSexySister · 30/04/2015 04:41

I cannot believe him. I cannot. I just cannot.

I hate him.

I hope you are getting some sleep Ophelia, but I wouldn't be surprised if you are not.

What you had to witness today was torture but having gone through something slightly (and I emphasise slightly) similar, I think this is as bad as it will get.

Remember Rachel in Friends (excellent break-up TV marathon fodder by the way) when she says: "there's rock bottom, seven layers of shit and then there's me." That's where you are now.

It WILL get better. I promise you. Trust us xxxxxxxxxxxxx

TinTinsSexySister · 30/04/2015 04:42

I cannot believe him. I cannot. I just cannot.

I hate him.

I hope you are getting some sleep Ophelia, but I wouldn't be surprised if you are not.

What you had to witness today was torture but having gone through something slightly (and I emphasise slightly) similar, I think this is as bad as it will get.

Remember Rachel in Friends (excellent break-up TV marathon fodder by the way) when she says: "there's rock bottom, seven layers of shit and then there's me." That's where you are now.

It WILL get better. I promise you. Trust us xxxxxxxxxxxxx

HoggleHoggle · 30/04/2015 05:02

How vile they are. I'm so sorry you had to see that.

I hope you got some rest last night. I know it's probably difficult with two young children but is there any way you could book yourself for a massage or something today? I'm sure it's the last thing you want to bother with, but you might feel better for it. Everything you're going through will be putting a strain on your body and it could be good to try and ease some of that physical stress, at least.

Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 05:44

I hope you got some rest last night.

Weebirdie · 30/04/2015 05:56

Ophelia today is another day and I was wondering if a visit to the Dr would be beneficial?

Tell him or her everything, including the retching of yesterday, which indicates a really heightened level of anxiety and take any help you may be offered.

You have lots of women here thinking of you and caring about you very much.

Dumdedumdedum · 30/04/2015 06:18

Good morning, OpheliaRose. I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and you are feeling a bit better today. I think Weebirdie is right, it would probably be a good idea to see your doctor, if you can get an appointment.
What happened yesterday must have been a terrible shock, but as other posters have said, in a way, this may be a turning point for you and though it must be devastating now, hopefully it will give you the necessary rage to push you through the next few days, weeks and months.
I'm wondering if it might not be quite hard for you to read us hurling insults at your H and calling him names? After all, till 10 days or so ago, he had been your soulmate, the love of your life and you thought he was going to be your partner for the rest of your days. It must be so difficult emotionally for you to switch from love to abhorrence in such a short time, although his behaviour has been so atrocious that I would be sticking pins into his effigy by now myself, but each to their own
Please try and be with friends today, or get your lovely brother over this evening so you can talk to him. Brothers are great in break-ups (well, mine has always been). I'm glad for you that you prevented your H from seeing your lovely children when it suited him, yesterday, but were not unreasonable by offering today instead. It is a small victory for you and it shows him that you will not be pushed around.
Whatever you may think, you are coping marvellously. Of course, you are not obliged to post updates on here all the time, but thank you for letting us know how you're doing as I think there are a lot of women all over the world rooting for you and worrying about you and your twins and continuing to admire your strength and dignity.
Sorry to have wittered on. {Virtual Hugs}

Christinayangstwistedsister · 30/04/2015 06:34

Hey mrs, how are you doing? X

JugglingLife · 30/04/2015 07:16

Found you. Morning Ophelia, I hope you're still sleeping whilst the twins are at your mums. I'm so sorry that you had to witness that yesterday. I echo others, this is a massive low point. Today you need to do something for you-to try and make you feel a little more normal, if you can. Preferably something that removed this awfulness from your mind, even if it's only for a few minutes. Think Ophelia, is there something that you always wanted, but felt you couldn't/wouldn't specifically because of the twunt? Do it now, control it, own it. Phoenix Ophelia needs to start rising from the ashes.

Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 07:19

Still thinking of you, Ophelia.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 30/04/2015 07:25

Thank you for all your kind words of support.

I think I will ask to see my doctor I was worried previously that they would take it to be a sign that I am not coping and question my ability as a parent but I'd prefer to address the "short term" issue now rather than it become a long term issue that I'm finding it hard to cope with my twins alone.

I feel like a let down as a parent because DTs are with my mum again I should be so much stronger but I feel like I've reached a breaking point right now. I want to be the best mother I can be

As stupid as it sounds despite all the messages photos and even when H has told me nothing was as hurtful and shocking as seeing them together kissing and close just like any other "normal" couple not two people who should be cowering with guilt and remorse.

I did manage to get some sleep just by forcing myself but other times I just lay awake thinking. One thing that was constantly on my mind is how easy it is for his to just get on with his life he has a new gf friend both in and out of work and most importantly his job so he can have that freedom that earning money brings. It made me every upset and angry because I became a SAHM not only because we could afford it but we jointly decided it was what was best for us financially and the DTs. It also meant that he could further his career etc. not saying I regret it or feel negativity twists SAHM but it's left me feeling vuberable, isolated and helpless. I don't known if this will be the right choice but I'm going to call my boss today and ask to come in for a chat to see if there is a possibility I can end my career break early and come back to work. I've been thinking about it and my mum is available to help with childcare as she was in an position to retire early and I know of plenty of good childminders that I've met at various groups of gaps need plugging. I do not want my children going to the nursery by H so I plan to make arrangements and just let H know that's what I've decided and he can fit in with that.

OP posts:

JugglingLife · 30/04/2015 07:30

Now that is what I call 'owning it', sounds like a great plan Ophelia. However you feel you are a great mum, take the support that is available, especially now when you need it most. Let us know what your old boss says. What sort if thing did you do before DCs?

Madamecastafiore · 30/04/2015 07:35

Great to hear that you are taking control Ophelia.

Please don't worry about getting help from the doctor. I was put on antidepressants when in was splitting with XH. He actually fought me for custody of dd and brought up the fact that I was on medication in court. The judge applauded me for getting help and said that being depressed was totally normal considering what I had had to go through.

Their euphoria of their new relationship won't last either honey. More and more people will know what they have done which will make things awkward and as the practical and financial implications start dawning on your STBXH the rose tinted glasses will slip away from his eyes.

And Please do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. All of your emotions are completely normal considering what he has put you through. In fact io think you have been incredibly dignified and composed in the face of his utterly abysmal treatment of you and your lovely twins.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 30/04/2015 07:40

Ophelia

Well done, yesterday was horrendous but you have coped. Get this out of your head about you being a bad mother, the most important thing for the twins is that you are happy and healthy...just now you need rest and support to get there, nothing wrong with that

I too was a sahm and trying to kick start my career again is hard, at least work would give you something to focus on, could you go part time?

Once again I am amazed at your strength and dignity, I would have been ranting and raving and plotting revenge

Ps. I would have been arrested after seeing them yesterday, at least you managed to control yourself...I would have needed bail money!

Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 07:44

It isn't you that is the let down as a parent...

RedButtonhole · 30/04/2015 07:45

I have followed your threads from the beginning, Ophelia and just can't believe how vile and callous your H has been. What a horrible situation he has put you in

I just de-lurked to say how collected and strong you sound, even if you don't feel it you are doing a wonderful job keeping things together for your DTs, don't forget to be kind to yourself too.

It may seem a completely alien thought at the minute, given all you are grieving for, but in the long term, this is his loss.

Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 07:46

Well done you for intending to see your GP and for speaking to your boss.

You are now owning it and taking control.

In some ways I think that seeing them has been a catalyst.

Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 07:48

And you are definately not a bad mother....far far from it.

Charley50 · 30/04/2015 07:49

Hi Ophelia I think that's the right thing to do : doctors and going back to work (probably part time is better as you will probably get tax credits and not be so exhausted as if working full time). It's lonely and soul destroying being forced into single parenthood and work gives a much needed life outside the home.
I used to occasionally take night nurse when me and my DP split and I couldn't sleep, but a trip to the doctors is probably better.
Sending you a big hug for today. Agree with a PP about a massage too as it does really hit you physically. Oh and Better Call Saul on Netflix is brilliant if you are a breaking bad fan.
Oh and I would completely judge your ex and her if I knew them, and think they were both cunts, and be telling them.

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