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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 30/04/2015 19:00

Right now he is one step ahead he thinks, calling the shots (as pp said) when you start overtaking his plans (solicitors letter, work etc) and being one step ahead of him he will lose it I think.

In just 10 days you have overtaken him. Let's see how he likes the rug being pulled out.
Get thee to solicitor my dear, protect your interests, no one else is going to.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 30/04/2015 19:00

Hobart and Betty my dad couldn't believe how normal he was! Apparently you wouldn't believe he's just had an affair exposed.

I don't Koenig he is just insane or thinks by being nice and normal it will make everything easier ...

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 30/04/2015 19:01

If he's planning to move in in 6 months, he will (I presume) be intending to involve the OW and her child with contact sessions in advance of 6 months. That's a very worrying thought. He's not got their best interests at heart at all. It seems to be about what's best for him.

alwaysstaytoolong · 30/04/2015 19:02

This is so painful for you and this will hurt to hear but his plans (unless they affect your children) are not your business any more. The same as your plans are not his business.

It's still so raw and only two weeks ago you thought you were in a happy marriage. You're not any more. Not only has he completely checked out of your relationship and cut you out, he is going out of his way to show that to you and the rest of the world.

He is not on your side. You are not involved in his future plans and unless it affect your children, his plans do not interest you at all (I know they do and it's Heartbreaking but don't let him get a whiff of that).

Ice in your veins in your dealings with him. He might move in with the OW in a few months?. Your response to him should be dignified (you do that so well) but indifferent. You do not care what he does if it isn't negatively impacting on your children.

It's so hard but when you hear things about him, keep your cool.

Eventually when you're pretending that not a single fuck is given by you about what he does in his life, one day you'll realise you genuinely mean it.

MrsFring · 30/04/2015 19:04

Another de-lurker here. I so wish that I could give you a hug, but it sounds as though you have a strong network of people who have your back; as befits someone as good and decent as you (and remember, good people outnumber the vile ones, although it may not seem like that right now).

What you saw yesterday was not two people in lurve, it was two inadequate tossers in the Lust Bubble, it will burst, as bubbles tend to, because it has no substance. Real love is dragging yourself out of bed and looking after two year old twins when all you want to do is pull the duvet over your head and cry. That's love, and you have it, they don't.

I honestly wish that your H and the WF burn in hell for what they've done to you.

magoria · 30/04/2015 19:06

Your H moved on and left your marriage ages ago. He has done whatever mourning he may have done (not an awful lot) and had moved on before he actually moved out.

Therefore he can act a normal cheerful person because he isn't bothered by what has happened.

If he had any cheaters remorse it would have been when he started it not now.

magoria · 30/04/2015 19:08

As an extra these people really just don't think the same as the rest of us.

I once asked my step father why he abused me. His answer 'you seemed to enjoy it'. I was an 8 year old girl when he started!

You cannot rationalise these people it just isn't possible.

No1warnedme · 30/04/2015 19:20

A quick de-lurk to say YOU ARE AMAZING and I would be proud to know you in RL. I would also happily manually castrate your stbxh. I have been getting so angry and outraged with every new piece of information about your stbxh, and am so happy to see that there are some lovely mumsnetters who are able to offer some real support.. I only wish I had something helpful to say. Thanks xx

CitySnicker · 30/04/2015 19:22

He maybe left the marriage mentally a while ago, but that doesn't explain why he doesn't care how you feel. He's acting like someone that despises you or has no concept of empathy. He's maybe trying to vilify you in his mind so he can make it your fault he had to do what he did. What a bastard.

BifsWif · 30/04/2015 19:24

Just another one who is in awe of you. You must be feeling completely broken, yet your dignity is astounding. Keep going, it will never be this bad again.

And a six month rental contract hey? I bet that outlasts his new 'relationship'.

Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 19:27

He will behave normally because he lives in a parallel universe, where everything and everybody is on team H.

You need to continue to detach, he does not care.

You are doing so well ophelia, so stand up and be proud.

Xx

FelicityGubbins · 30/04/2015 19:30

If he moves in with her, it will affect her WTC and CTC along with nursery costs and council tax etc, I doubt very much that he will be moving in with her in 6 months.....

GERTI · 30/04/2015 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somethingmorepositive · 30/04/2015 19:57

Remember when Jennifer Aniston said Brad Pitt seemed to be "missing a sensitivity chip"? Well. That's the very least of the chips your H is missing, a few of the other ones being decency, morality, integrity, empathy - and that's just for a start. I agree with CitySnicker. Who cares when he mentally left the marriage. He still owes it to you not to behave so cruelly. But you are doing so well, really. I absolutely believe you are going to come out of this much, much happier than he is.

somethingmorepositive · 30/04/2015 20:01

And mooning after Miss Fap Fest in car parks just makes him seem like a hormonal teenager.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 30/04/2015 20:02

Felicity he earns very well and even tho she's a lower level she also earns a really good wage plus she gets maintainer from her ex so I expect the loss of WTC and CTC won't be too much of a blow to her.

She doesn't claim a council tax discount. I remember H remarking on it once how she's come into work and said although when she brought henhouse and moved in she put herself as the only adult thy never applied the discount and she just couldn't be bothered to sort it.

My friend said to me that him living with her and her child will be taken into account on the maintance front as well.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 20:19

listen ophelia don't even think about what he/she can afford re: maintenance, tax credits etc.

They are only just off a few weeks into the exposure. At the mo, it will be all rose tinted glasses and Le grande passion..not real life.

He is not on your side, nor your children.

Summon up that ice queen...because he is an utter arse.

parsnipbob · 30/04/2015 20:31

I could be completely mistaken here (my experience of this comes from my divorced parents), but if he lives with someone else don't they also take her income into account when deciding how much maintenance he has to pay?

my Dad moved in with my mum's best friend, not realising her massive salary meant he had to pay more maintenance :) which was brilliant as he'd been such an arse that he deserved it.

this was a good few years ago though so it may have changed for all I know.

GERTI · 30/04/2015 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyField · 30/04/2015 20:33

Put me on the castration team please.

Well done OP, keep on going.

GERTI · 30/04/2015 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 30/04/2015 20:42

Maybe it's just if you go through Child maintance. My friend said with her ex who's new gf has 3 children that was one of the questions and taken into account when the amount was decided

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 30/04/2015 20:50

Yes I see what you mean. However, h is responsible for your DC and not any other 'step' children re:money.

Her exdp is responsible financially for his child.

Ice queen it up....stop considering them in anything!

Ledkr · 30/04/2015 21:03

Unfortunately and incredibly her and her child will be taken into account when assessing maintainence but by the same token I think their "household income" will also be assessed which might mean you get more, I don't know.
I got my house by waving maintainence for ours but I also knew he'd be very likely to conceal his true income as is self employed.
I took advantage of him while he still felt guilty which he did have the decency to feel despite your bloody h.

Ledkr · 30/04/2015 21:04

I meant "unlike" your h sorry