Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

Good for you. I think that's a dignified decision.

Hi Phee, must have been hard at the solicitors today.

Regarding not sleeping, I had terrible anxiety/panic attacks and couldn't switch my brain off at night. My GP prescribed a short course of diazepam, I believe it used to be called valium . It relaxes muscles and affects the chemicals in the brain that cause anxiety. it helped me to switch off in the early days and get some sleep, which in turn helped me to deal with things. The first couple of days I took full dose, then half dose, then just at night, then just knowing I had a few in my draw seemed enough.

Later when negative thoughts were plaguing me I used the stop sign technique. Basically you imagine, or even draw a stop sign on a piece of card. Whenever you start having crappy thoughts or obsessing negatively you say 'stop' out loud to your self, imagine or look at your sign, then breath and think about something positive, or do something fun/positive/relaxing. Sounds a bit lame but it helped me and stopped me facebook stalking on many occasions.

You can do this, you are doing this, and in time it will get easier.

Sorry. Been furiously reading back!

Your dad and brother are right. Please don't name her Ophelia. I did and ex. insisted I remove it. Delayed and cost an extra £1,500. My lawyer said (got her after - used my step dad to do petition as he's a solicitor but not family law) she would never advise naming. It's frowned upon now. Make sure you say that 'he has committed adultery with a woman known to you, etc. (standard script)He won't deny the application.

I wanted to name her. Made me feel good. Short term fix I'm afraid. I wanted to write office tart half his age!

I'm sad for you. It's like reliving my situation but with three older DC's. It's hard with such little ones. Thank god for family and friends' support I but appreciate they aren't there at night and that's when it's hard. Night nurse was my friend. I'm not sure I slept for 2 months. Lost a stack of weight. Never has the saying 'time flys when you're having fun' rung more true - because a week feels like a month when you are going through living hell.

You are doing well. Hard to hear. Because you are are just pretty much surviving but you ARE doing it with dignity Ophelia and not every woman so wronged manages that.
I told my husband that he could have the children every other weekend and not during the school week as it's too disruptive. I said in no circumstances was he to introduce OW. If he did I would re-think visitation. Harsh but her age was a HUGE concern.

He listened. You have to stand true to your convictions. It's too early for him to be playing happy families. He needs to sort out this mess he's crated first. He needs to put the twins needs above his. I sometimes CC his dad in on our emails she. My ex is being unreasonable. Ultimately they must be devastated. I can't believe your MIL hasn't questioned where they went wrong with their kids and their failed attempts at happiness. I know as a mother I would /might....

Continue to just put one foot in front of the other. It's ok to cry. Heck! It's healthy. It shows your human and not a machine. Fight on brave Ophelia. Xxx

Don't think I'd be able to resist telling him that I was going to, though - even if I had no intention of doing so. Just to burst his bubble of 'Little Miss Perfect.'

My ex said "she's really nice George. You'd like her". I said "that maybe so but I wouldn't have had an affair with a married man at her age but then that's just my moral compass".

Delurking after reading all the threads to say how much I am rooting for you OpheliaRose.

One thing that seems so shocking to me is how cold and lacking in any compassion your h is in the way he has handled himself through this. He certainly has no shame in what he has done to you or your DTs. He sounds totally delusional to me. In particular, the way he uses WF's relationship with her ex to somehow benchmark how he should be behaving and uses this as an example as how he thinks you should behave. He sounds weak and incredibly manipulated. as if the person he once was no longer exists.

Try not to somehow believe WF is perfect or can in someway bewitch your children. She is nothing, beyond contempt. It will all come crumbling down once the initial passion and excitement fades. If it doesn't, they obviously deserve each each other

Thank you all again for your support.

Today has been really draining and I feel very very sad about the whole thing, My friend came over and did some cleaning for me because she thought i'd like a nice tidy house (without having to do it myself!) and she ran me a nice hot bath so i could relax. Felt a lot better when I got out,

Sounds really silly but she put my PJs on the radiator for a bit so they where nice and warm as I kept telling her i felt cold and then once i was all dressed into my nice warm PJs she tucked me into into bed and put on a mix she said she used to listen to when her ex left. she said she'd let herself out lock the door and post the keys back through.

I feel so silly or saying but i could cry because i really needed someone to take care of me and since H has left i've missed having some one to do something like that for me. I miss him so much right now

Of course he wants you to be great pals. He doesn't have to live with his guilt then!

How lovely. Can we have your friend cloned? I am soo sooo glad someone took care of you like that.

You have an amazing friend, that shows just how much you're valued

She sounds like a truly great friend. How wonderful.

If you weren't a truly good and special person, you wouldn't have fri ends like that.

Never doubt yourself.

You are wonderful. It is H that is not.

Oh Ophelia I sooo wish I could take away your sadness. (((CUDDLES)))

Oh Ophelia, your friend sounds an absolute diamond. Don't be afraid to accept every little kind gesture that she or anyone else offers, they are doing it because they care for you, and if it makes you feel loved then that's worth every penny xx

I didn't get divorced for years, I only pushed for it when someone pointed out he'd be entitled to stuff if I died, won the lottery or inherited money etc.
In your case I do think it will help you to move forward and also show that twat you are not as helpless as he may believe.
About the big holiday.
Can u still plan for that?
I still say it was one of my greatest healers going away with the children.
Somehow it made me feel that I coukd do anything without him, made me feel Independent and capable.
My feelings if failure and shame turned to pride and confidence.
I loved telling people I was a single mum as I played with my kids and had fun.
I would highly recommend doing it if you can.

sounds like you have a wonderful friend ophelia. I am glad. I feel like crying when people are kind when I'm down. Sending you a big hug and hope you get some good sleep.

Can anyone move in with you for a few weeks? Yiur brother maybe or a friend? It would help I think. It's so lonely at first.

Ophelia your post made me cry. It's so sad and you do need looking after. I'm so glad you have good friends and family around.

Your friend sounds wonderful, don't be afraid to let people care for you, we all need looking after sometimes.

Seeing your solicitor is the first step in you regaining some control over your life, be proud of that, you should be.

I'm going to try sleeping in a few moments but i just wanted to say thank you all for your kind words and advice. This has been a very very hard time for me and these last few days have felt full of some much pressure and painful decisions that i was quite broke.

You have helped me through that, right now i'm tired emotional, crying a bit and drained so i'd like so rest.

I'll update properly tomorrow

Sleep tight, Phee.

Ophelia naming OW doesn't ultimately achieve anything but it is entirely your choice whether you do or not.

I named OW because she played a part in the end of my marriage and I wanted that acknowledged. I also was told that they didn't mean to hurt me and I wanted her to face up to the fact that she had hurt me and to see in black and white how their "bit of fun" had caused the end of a marriage. It didn't actually matter if she felt any degree of guilt or shame for being named, but it mattered to me that I made it clear to her by naming her that she wasn't without blame and had some degree of consequences.

So no it doesn't achieve anything, but it felt right for me to do that and I don't regret naming her.

I think you are doing the right thing for you and from what you have said I am not entirely sure OW in your case has any shame.

Goodnight Phee. Hope you have nice dreams. Let people care for you, you deserve it xx

Sleep well. Loads of virtual hugs coming your way!

Hey, if naming them will simply cost money and delay, good call to hold back.

Your dignity shines through, whatever you do.

Take care lovely

Nighty night sweet Phee. How I wish I could come tuck you in and give you a massive cuddle, and let you cry it all out. Go with your emotions sweetie, and surround yourself with those who love you.x.