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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 29/04/2015 21:46

((((CUDDLES)))))

When I go through a bad patch, I allow myself to grieve, to marinate in my sorrow, maybe you need to grieve, cry, shout, scream, get it out of your system? I trick my mind by setting an expiration date for my pity party, possibly try that?

You have two babies who love YOU unconditionally. You will always be their mommy, even when they have babies of their own........

So cry, scream, eat ice cream, marinate in your loss, once done you must be ready to fight back!

Sure there will be moments like today, where you just want to give up, shut yourself up from the world, disconnect, but you know what, it does and it will get better.

This can either break you or make you, choose to be successful, choose to be the best kick ass-super-yummy-mummy-you-can-be.

Justusemyname · 29/04/2015 21:46

I'm so sorry, Ophelia Sad.

Mama1980 · 29/04/2015 21:47

Lights out and sleep if you can sounds a good plan.
Try to drink plenty of water if you can, the headache is a stress response and dehydration only makes it worse (I'm channelling my mother here Wink)

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 29/04/2015 21:47

Oh my :(
I'm starting to think they work at the same place as my dp from a few of your posts now. If he mentions anything about a WF in his office having an affair with a married man I'll suggest very strong laxatives in both their coffees.
Hope you get some rest. Flowers

Ledkr · 29/04/2015 21:48

Oh this is just awful, you poor thing.
What a pair of wankers they are.
I guess at least the worst has happened now so you don't have to worry about seeing them together.
Just remember its all good now while real life hasn't kicked in, once the excitement dies down they are left with a pretty seedy, superficial relationship and no real bond.
This could be your catalyst.

Weebirdie · 29/04/2015 21:49

Chuckit, seriously? You think your dp works with them?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 29/04/2015 21:54

Aw love I'm so sorry xx

Theoldcauliflower · 29/04/2015 21:58

Awww that's so awful, you poor poor love, try and sleep!

Pair of bastards they are, I hope your ok Flowers

Wristy · 29/04/2015 21:59

Oh Ophelia, I'm so sorry you had to witness that.

As shit as it seems it might help in the long run to know that this is who your husband has become. It'll hurt and as other posters have said you are allowed to grieve.

Be kind to yourself for a while and then get your solicitor on their case. Rid yourself of this arsehole, free yourself of him.

Your in my thoughts tonight. Xx

Wristy · 29/04/2015 22:02

*You're, Christ on a bike!! Xx

Earsareconstantlyringing · 29/04/2015 22:08

Oh sweetheart, I can only imagine how horrifically painful that must have been.

Give yourself some time to process it but then, as hard as it is, use that image of him with her as your fuel to get angry which will help propel you through this miserable time.

You are worth so, so much more. Let the vision of his utterly appalling behaviour give you strength to fight back. Sending you much, much love.

TinLizzie · 29/04/2015 22:08

So sorry that you had to go through that today. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but today will have made you much, much stronger. You've just been through one of the worst case scenarios, and you've survived. That you've survived with your head under the duvet doesn't matter one jot. You WILL recover and you WILL start to feel better.

Can I just say that if you feel you need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, the Samaritans are very, very good. They will just listen and by doing that, it helps you to work out some of your feelings. Please give them a try because it sounds as though you're internalising your feelings a little bit (unless you're talking to a friend outside of MN). Their number is 08457 909090 (hope I'm allowed to say this on here!). They have helped me in the past during a bad breakup when talking to friends just didn't help me.

cakedup · 29/04/2015 22:19

I'm so gutted for you Ophelia what an awful experience. You are feeling shit because you're still processing it, but you will process it and you will feel a bit better and become even stronger.

Him and the OW are really making me fume! How can they go about gallivanting so happily when they have just destroyed a family? That really says a whole lot about them. Just be glad you would never stoop to such levels and that you are a decent person.

bjrce · 29/04/2015 22:25

Ophelia,

My sister once said to me after she went through a bad breakup, the first time she saw them together was the worst and after that something just changed in her and she just knew that, she just accepted that it was over for her, and things would never be the same again and it made her a little bit stronger and she coped.
You did the right thing in not letting them see you. He will never really understand the pain he has caused you.

Look after yourself.

cmsickness · 29/04/2015 22:29

My heart is also breaking for you, Ophelia. Don't think about when he looked at you like that, that person has proven he doesn't exist anymore from the way he has treated you. You need to look after yourself now Flowers

magoria · 29/04/2015 22:29

OK

That was tough for you.

But...

It is done now. You have seen them together at their best/worse. That cannot happen again.

Just think in a few years he will be doing this to her again because he has no moral compass and doesn't think what he has done is wrong.

Unless she slips in the cupboard before him.

One of them will.

cafesociety · 29/04/2015 22:32

Ophelia, this happened to me once. It was gutting and I nearly passed out, then was stunned for hours.

But it was a turning point. I turned a corner, their ruthlessness was so cruel and breath taking I made a resolve to move on and away from them. And the anger did kick in.

I really feel for you, my heart hurts for you, life is so unfair and unkind. You have been doing great so please take all the support from those who care for you in RL, ask for help if you need it and please look after yourself. We are all thinking of you, and wishing you every strength.

magoria · 29/04/2015 22:37

And believe me people who know them and see them won't be thinking aw how lovely they will be thinking bloody hell what skanks only a week ago he was living with his wife.

They have to make it like this to prove they are not just selfish cheating low lifes but that it was meant to be.

ThePinkOcelot · 29/04/2015 22:40

I'm so sorry ophelia. What a bastard he is!!
When my H left me, my sister told me that she had read somewhere about screaming in your head. Sometimes I would be driving along and be overcome with grief. I would then start screaming in my head. It did somehow take my mind off it. Xx

AndyWarholsOrange · 29/04/2015 22:41

Ophelia, I can feel your pain. As others have said, I think that long term, the fact that he is being such an unequivocal shit, will make it easier to move on - more so than if he was intermittently begging for forgiveness for his behaviour. In my crystal ball I see her kicking him out in the next 6 months and him turning up on your doorstep waiting for you to welcome him back with open arms, just as you're about to head out on a hot date.
I don't know where you are but, if you're in London, I'm happy to come and babysit or handhold anytime xx

HollyCarrot · 29/04/2015 22:46

Delurking to give Flowers Wine Cake. I've read all three threads now and need to tell you that you are amazing. And your STBXH is a see-you-next-tuesday. But you knew that already.

Keep on getting on, and if you can find the time, think that you are better knowing what a horrible shit he is now, rather than 20 or 30 years later. It really is better for you.

I suggest Arrested Development for taking your mind off it viewing, I will send box sets if you want to pm your address.

Hugs. Hugs. More hugs x

whereismagic · 29/04/2015 22:57

Please, take good care of yourself: schedule snacks, shower, naps, TV shows on your phone and just go through this routine. It's great that your mother can take care of your twins. If you feel that it's all too much schedule when you would talk to people (including mumsnet) about it and when you want to concentrate on your day to day tasks. Do whatever feels most comfortable for you.

LittleMouseontheDairy · 29/04/2015 23:00

Delurking here OpheliaRose. I wanted to add my support to the MN throng willing you on from the sidelines.
What you saw today must have cut you to the quick and been so painful it took your breath away (sorry for mixed metaphors). But as PP said this is the worst it can be. You've hit this at a bad time in the first place but imagine if you'd been on some kind of upward trajectory, holding it together and piecing a way forward and then BAM you see them like this and it sets you back? It's probably better that this happened now because you know what - you are truly in the hardest part. No more surprises. And it was absolutely awful but you did it - you survived it. You got a headache but you still went on MN and updated us. Then retired to bed. That's surviving it. And each day you do that each day it'll be easier.

I had a cheating twat too. It was different in many ways but suffice to say I'm marrying a wonderful man on Saturday and my DS (aged 3 from Cheating Twat relationship - so I am eternally grateful to it for DS) will be with my DH-to-be at the altar waiting for me to join them.
This isn't a 'you'll meet sometime else' story. It's a - 'what you've been through the past few days and what happened today was horrendous' - acknowledgment and telling you that you've absolutely experienced the white hot searing pain. We all promise you this starts to ease. And believe it or not but seeing what you did today helps speed that up. It's like plunging a red hot poker into a wound to cauterise it.

Your ex and WF are despicable. This man has no real regard for what his twins are going through and this speaks volumes about his integrity. Who cares if she/ he 'look happy' when this is based on such appalling emotional dysfunction in terms of seriously caring practically or emotionally about his two very small children (let alone you). It's disgusting.

I really hope you get some sleep and don't forget that we are all rooting for you and holding your hand through the night. Flowers

TheRainDrops · 29/04/2015 23:07

Oh Ophelia, what a horrid thing to have to witness, I'm so sorry that happened.

Just remember, you have the only good parts of your despicable douche canoe of a 'husband' in your wonderful DTs. As for the rest, you are well shot of the prick.

FriendofBill · 29/04/2015 23:07

If you are really honest, I don't think you want that kind of man anyway. Any life is better than life with someone capable of what he is doing to you and his children. Utterly utterly selfish.

Who would want that kind of man?
A desparate woman, desperate enough to give sex favours to a married man. Women who are not desperate do not conduct themselves like that.

The whole scenario will come crashing down.

Just sit back, don't obstruct, and they will find enough rope to hang themselves.

Trust in the process.
Follow advice from wise women who have navigated this treacherous Ricky road.
You will be ok.
Your children will be ok.