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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 07/05/2015 01:38

Ledkr & diesel I have been in exactly the same situation as Ophelia - and yes I remained very assertive with H - and my DC did not meet OW. I am eternally grateful for that .
Even if cafcass /the courts had got involved they are so biased towards mothers in this country there is no way that even a court order can get "enforced"- particularly in these situations .
It can be done - that is all I am saying. I'm not going to talk about my situation but with all due respect I wanted Ophelia to know that it IS a choice to be assertive with him and to be creative .
I don't want to derail the thread but I have respected all others experiences on here and don't expect to have mine questioned.

Personally to allow DC to get drawn into the hurricane that H and WF have created is not good for them. Yes he is their father - yes they might want to see him- but I would be stipulating where when and how often.

Ophelia you both need very soon to sit down together with your babies and explain that you don't love each any more- but that you both love them and will work together to be their parents. Take them somewhere neutral where they won't ever have any cause to go back there.
Young children often blame themselves and can feel guilty so it is worth keeping an eye out for this x

Dumdedumdedum · 07/05/2015 05:06

Just my usual good morning of support, OpheliaRose. Hope you got a bit of sleep. Glad you have such a wonderful friend on side (quietly hoping something will come of her and your DB, so something good would come out of your horrible mess!). Glad you have made your decision to your satisfaction about whether or not to name WF in the divorce. Hoping that you can put together a proposal for your H to persuade him it is not in the children's best interests to spend too long away from you right now, especially not in the company of WF.
I am the Queen of Google and have a lot of time on my hands and if you want, I would be happy to find you links from child health/parenting sites, where you can get information/advice to reinforce your arguments in your access proposal for your H. Just say the word and Dum's on it
More {{{{{Virtual Hugs}}}}} and to start your day.

ChocolateMama · 07/05/2015 06:44

Hi Phee, don't normally post on Mumsnet - more of a lurker - but just wanted to say that I have been following you since your first thread, and I am in awe of your level-headed ness (?) and clear thinking. Well done you for maintaining your dignity. You are quite obviously a fabulous mum to your DTs and a good person. You deserve better than this. I, along with countless others, am cheering you on from the sidelines.

You are getting some amazing advice on here, so I don't feel the need to add to it. I just hope you keep letting us know how you are doing, and at some unspecified time in the future, you can look back on this period of you life as a turning point towards a 'better' life. The end of a relationship is always distressing; it is only later that we can see that it can be a catalyst to a better and brighter future.

Take care and virtual hugs.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 06:48

It can be done - that is all I am saying

I think some of us would hope that Phee can prevent the twins from being with the OW at this point, but as all of the evidence seems to suggest otherwise it's a bit unhelpful telling her otherwise but not how. I'm not questioning the truth that you achieved it, but questioning the fact that it's an option for Phee.

Ophelia you both need very soon to sit down together with your babies and explain that you don't love each any more

I thought that this was the recommended approach, but from what everyone here says I was wrong. It doesn't need to be a big, joint event and it should be nothing more than "daddy's not going to live in the same house as us any more" and lots of question-answering and reassurance that they are loved and that them having to leave the family is not an option.

MilesHuntsWig · 07/05/2015 06:56

What a fab friend, you must deserve lovely friends Phee so please bear that in mind. Huge hugs and hoping you're feeling stronger today.

FriendofBill · 07/05/2015 07:22

Good morning OP.

Thinking of you.

Ledkr · 07/05/2015 07:26

blesssd I am often in family court and that is a total myth, in fact courts have been directed to be less biased towards mothers so dads contacts are being upheld in court.
As you are not sharing I can only assume you are advising op to defy a court order which I think is silly but only her solicitor can advise on that.
As for sitting then down and giving them info, that depends hugely on the chikds individual cognitive processing abilities which only ophelia and her x know.
Once again, I agree it's potentially damaging to meet the ow too soon however, an atmosphere of bitterness and hostility is far worse for children and if both parties continue to disagree in the issue that's potentially how it will be.
If you have any useful advice which could ensure the op can protect her chikdren from meeting with op then maybe you could pm it to her, in sure she would appreciate it.

Justusemyname · 07/05/2015 07:35

Ophelia, you've been hit with a sledge hammer so no wonder you are feeling as you are. Look after yourself and make sure you eat even if it is the same each day or the wrong food, ie cereal for lunch. It really doesn't matter. Keep your fluids up too.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 07:41

I am afraid I think there is very little phee can do to prevent the dts meetin ow

What he does in his time with them, is in the main , up to him

Ledkr · 07/05/2015 08:01

chris
blessed will disagree with you I suspect.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 08:06

Ledkr

You may be right there

ScorpioMermaid · 07/05/2015 08:16

Just read a comment about cafcass/courts being more for the mother.

I have to disagree.

my friends XP was abusive to her and is to his wife although no charges have been made against him due to my friend and probably his wife being utterly afraid of him. He has taken her to court for acess and it's been granted. This is despite her almost 9 year old son telling cafcass that he is scared of his dad. If they can grant this monster acess then anyone can get it. it beggars belief.

Ledkr · 07/05/2015 08:38

Precisely, scorpio

GERTI · 07/05/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieliveson · 07/05/2015 09:16

What a fantastic friend. So glad you were taken care of. I hope you slept ok last night x

MerryMarigold · 07/05/2015 10:01

Good morning Ophelia! Wow, almost at the end of another thread. That's nearly 3,000 messages. You definitely deserve the love & care of your beautiful friend, and the support of all these ladies. You come across as a very nice person...

...I hope today is ok for you, and things go as smoothly as they can. If you're interested in politics, you can distract yourself with the election.
Hugs.

Jenoftheweek · 07/05/2015 12:26

Hi Ophelia. I'm so sorry for the position that you find yourself in.

When I divorced my cheating bastard exH I wanted to name the OW but my solicitor advised against it as it could and probably would cause delays and expense.

However she did suggest writing to exH (starting the divorce procedures) saying I was seeking a divorce on grounds of unacceptable behaviour I.e. an adulterous relationship with OW Name. I received a copy, photocopied it and posted to OW.
It made me feel better to let her see the impact her part in the affair had.
The solicitor also confirmed that despite his attempts at a reconciliation that I am determined to end all legal ties to him. That threw a bucket of water on the fire of their romance as she didn't realise he wanted to remain in the marriage.

I doubt if you are as petty as me though. It did make me feel better.

KaputKiss · 07/05/2015 13:10

That's brillian Jen - is that an option for you Ophelia?

Ledkr · 07/05/2015 14:33

jen I wish I'd done that! My ex pestered me constantly for a reconciliation and ive often wanted to tell ow to wipe the smug look off her face.

FructoseTart · 07/05/2015 14:37

Jen that sounds like a brilliant idea!

Ophelia, I'm so glad your being so strong. I'm reading daily and keeping up with everything, just not posting.
How lovely of your friend to do that for you!

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 15:12

Hope you are ok Ophelia.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 16:54

I've been out all day doing some errands and trying to start being productive about my new life. Will update when twins are in bed and prob need to start a new thread

OP posts:

crapfatbanana · 07/05/2015 17:04

I hope, during your busy day, you managed to forget how wretched you have been feeling, just for a while. Activity is good sometimes.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 07/05/2015 17:25

Heading out for a curry and to vote , looking forward to hearing about your day

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:06

I've started a new thread as this one is almost done

OP posts:

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