Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

Oh I see, tough choice to make and good that they aren't rushing you into it.

Whatever you decide people who know her will still know what she did and judge her for it, and their work will eventually find out. She's a disgrace.

Well, based on what we know of her via your H, she'll probably sprinkle magical fairy dust over it and turn the petition into a beautiful cake or a flock of doves. Undoubtedly, her charisma will win over a judge and she'll light up the courtroom.

Or, maybe it'll take something like being cited in a divorce for her to see exactly what she's done. Any woman who gives married men blow jobs and tries to make them jealous with threats of 'having fun' with other men deserves to be named and shamed, I'm afraid. Maybe this might make him see her as the rather cheap and tawdry bit of stuff he's now shackled to rather than the ever-glorious Phee.

I'd be tempted to force her to waste her time and resources dealing with it. Like you said it depends if you want it dealt with quickly. Surely if he's in such a rush to get his life to a business as normal arrangement he will encourage her not to drag her heels.

Would there be a point for them to resist OW being named? You can evidence it too- it would be a good opportunity to let them know you have that 'on them', also it may give you a but more clout when you start negotiating other things.

It is also a good reference point for the twins in the distant future...so whatever picture they paint, it's there in black & white.

I wouldn't name the other woman, my brother in law is a family lawyer and has in the past told me that Judges tend to be disapproving of 3rd parties being named in divorce petitions. It doesn't do much besides increase costs and time all round.

I can fully understand why you would want to, it is a way of tarnishing her but people who know of what they have done before your divorce aren't going to change their opinions on her or their relationship just because she was officially named as the 3rd party.

Take a few days to mull it over though. You're doing brilliantly all things considered

Well if she wanted to be awkward and difficult that would upset ExH further wouldn't it? "Why don't you just sign it? Don't you want the whole world to see our beautiful luuuurve? Are you going off me?"

Great chance to piss them both off IMO.

My ex, when I first met him, told me the story of once dating a woman who had separated from her husband. Imagine his horror and dismay when papers naming him as co-respondent plopped through his letter box. It turned out her divorce wasn't as imminent as he had thought (I suspect, given his later behaviour, that she wasn't as "separated from her husband" as he claimed either) and her estranged (or perhaps not) husband had found out about them and named him. Ex claimed that as far as he knew she had split from the husband. Yeah right. Anyhoo he dumped her immediately! There was no way he was going to have HIS good name sullied by being associated with shagging a married woman even though he was . . . errr . . . shagging a married woman! (which anyone ought to realise is the case if your new squeeze is not yet divorced). Going on by how outraged he was I would definitely name the OW.

Hi Ophelia

I've followed all three threads and honestly my heart breaks for you.

I am the same age as you and I'm married with a two year old DS and the thought of having to go through what you're going through fills me with utter panic.

But, I just wanted to share this with you, I'm sorry if it's long.

My dad left my mum for another woman out of the blue when I was younger and I remember it like it was yesterday. The only way I can describe it is to say it was like he had died.

My mum was and is a very strong woman and kept it together as best as she could in front of me and my younger sisters but she was absolutely floored when he left. I can remember seeing and feeling her absolute grief, panic, heartbreak and desperation and knowing she was in actual physical pain. I remember the feeling of bereavement in our home and thinking that things would never ever be ok again.

Also like you my mum was struggling to sleep but for some reason she had always been very anti medication but eventually she asked the GP for something to help her sleep and was refused for the same reasons as you. But, after seeing the GP again he gave her a prescription of Diazepam (extreme I know given he'd refused her sleeping tablets)

She collected her Diazepam and did take one on a particularly awful day when she really was about to break but she didn't end up taking any more. She found just knowing she had them was enough of a crutch. (I'm not advising you take meds just wanted to share that it helped her)

For a long time my mum went through such a roller coaster of emotions from one hour to the next and I know (from speaking to her about it years later) that she honestly thought she'd never feel stable again.

But, to her sheer amazement she did, she came out the other end and it didn't kill her. In fact, it helped to make her into the bloody fantastic woman that she is today.

You can do this this Ophelia! You will have tides of weakness, moments of madness and waves of desperation but you will make it through!
And when you do, you'll be amazed at how you survived and you'll know that nothing could ever again break you like this!

My minds in two about it all honestly. Part of me what's yo name her and let their reputation suffer a bit I also feel a bit like a child telling tales because it's not like they'll be branded for life as adulters it will just be me that gets satisfaction from that which won't last as they'll skip off into the sunset to start a happy new life together

My solicitor said that some towns the 3rd party can be difficult about co operating so it's usually quicker not to name them but then again if the plan is to re Marty the 3rd party may be cooperative so they can "move on"

Is the solicitor going to notify him that you want a divorce?

Yes

Tough Ophelia.
Try dear to have a few good nights sleep.
Please implore your parents to take care of the twins when you have some rest.
That will clear your mind a bit and you will think more clearly about what course of action (to name or not to name them) you will remain satisfied with in the long term.
Mind you up to now you have been thinking more clearly than all of us-
I am so sorry I can't do much to help you! Big Hugs!

My dad thinks I should not name her and my bother agrees my mum thinks I should. Before anyone jumps on my dad and brother it's not because they are letting him get away with anything they just think it's the quicker and slightly less painful option. Thy want him out of my life and for me to be in a position to re build

I'm wondering if there's another way you can feel heard? All I can think of is a formal letter from your solicitor to them saying something like, "Phee has decided not to name OW in the divorce in order to achieve a quick divorce and in the best interests of the children".

I'd go for cool dignity if possible.
I said to you before that I'm still glad of my apparent lack of response to ex affair.
Naming her might make you look too vindictive and you want to represent an air of dignified aceptance..
He will wonder what the hell is going on too when you just calmly issue divorce papers!!

Did your solicitor say anything about this weekend?

the thing is though op it won't do anything to her reputation because the in's and outs of divorce aren't played out publically so the only people who will know will be you, h, and the ow and the people who sign off on the proceedings. I can see why you want to name her, but ultimately it is your h you are divorcing, is it worth making it a longer process just for your own satisfaction?

Its a really tough decision to make, you really need to take you time.

You've made a few positive steps forward in the last few days, re the solicitor and your job.

BTW, re my earlier post, reviewing feedback, it very obviously wasn't my finest moment, so apologies for that.

Wishing you strength and courage, your family are the people who know you best.

I think just cut him out your life with as little pain and hassle as you can, everyone will know what she has done

You can do cool dignity and still go for a divorce that recognises the reality that your marriages was destroyed by infidelity of which she was a part.

Are you in any rush to get divorced?

There's no way either of love's young dream are going to be dragging this out.

I would normally say not to bother, but given the unseemly and public nature of his very rapid replacement of you with her, I think naming her is fine.

To get the divorce as quickly as possible, I wouldn't name WF in the court papers. What I would do though is name her to all and sundry. Tell anyone who will listen that you divorced your husband because of his adultery with her. No one is going to question whether you did it legally or not.

You know Ophelie this what I tell my kids: when someone upsets you or behave very badly toward you then you can swear at them a bit if you want, when you come home tell me about it and we will enjoy wishing them the worst, and then that is it- unless they might see you as weak and bully you and there are civilized ways to stop it. Because you know Ophelie when we start actively playing with dirt it might spill back on us. You have been spotless in all this dirty and painful situation. Maybe your b and d are right. project yourself in few years time when you are completely cured from him, would it not be better and more satisfying that you have resisted the temptation to name them? But again if you want go for it- it does not really matter much. They are so deluded that they might turn it against you in their 'milieu'. Anyway please try to have some rest before deciding! Hugs love!

I guess if the divorce is on the grounds of adultery it's pretty clear to everyone who the adultery was with anyway. You can tell everyone "yes we divorced on the grounds of his adultery" and you're not 'vindictively' naming her but as everyone knows they're together...

Tempting thought it is to name her, you might just keep the upper hand by not. By god it would be satisfying to have her name up in lights though!

My reasons would be a bit , but I wouldn't name her because I would absolutely not want any document in my home with her name on it!! Even divorce papers. I'd certainly divorce on the grounds of adultery though.

If it were me I'd want someone following her with a neon sign proclaiming it to all with arrows and everything.
I do realise that might be a bit much though.