Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

I can get my hands on a cattle prod.

Ok, I'm going to say this and hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I appreciate that you're joking but I don't agree with the posts that go on about inflicting injuries etc. It's not funny, especially those with sexual connotations. If you can't understand why, imagine if male posters were talking about hurting women in this way.

I haven't posted here yet but have lurked from the start.

To the poster saying that the op's h should tell the dc the reasons why he is no longer in the home etc, quite apart from the fact that this would be entirely inappropriate, when making those kinds of demands one really needs to be careful what you wish for. Because while the op could demand that the h tell the twins, she can't control what it is he tells them. Remember this is a man who has told friends/family that he's been unhappy for a while, so how would you stop him from telling two year olds that mummy made him unhappy?

it is very easy to suggest that the op withhold access/refuse overnights/make certain demands when coming from an emotional position. But the reality is that these children are also the h's children. They have a right to a relationship with their father, and that relationship needs to preferably happen without too much conflict between the parents.

I certainly don't think that it is appropriate for the dc to be introduced to the ow at this stage, however there is little that the op can realistically do to prevent this. No court would grant supervised access only to a man who has no history of violence or abuse, and with everything else going on is it really in the op or dc's best interests for this to end up in court only for the h to be granted overnight access?

It would be far better if the op and her h could go to mediation to agree access for the dc, tbh this would be advised anyway before taking the matter to court. It doesn't actually sound as if the ow is comfortable yet with the idea of meeting the dc anyway given what op's h has said to the op. But if the op can suggest to her h that they see a mediator i.e. someone impartial, then he is possibly more likely to take notice of that because there is no perception that the op wants to make it about her etc. iyswim?

Eventually mediation would be good, but it's only been 3 weeks since he walked out, changing life forever for the twins, breaking Ophelia's heart and showing a complete lack of regard for anyone but himself in the process.

If it was me it would be more than I could bear to have to sit down and talk about all of it rationally at this stage - especially since he's shown himself not to have a care about how much what he says hurts Ophelia.

Very hard to know how to work out a short term arrangement until Ophelia can face the idea of mediation, and get her head straight about what she wants to come out of it.

Hopefully the solicitor has helped with that today. Thinking of you

I realise that, but whereas three weeks is a short amount of time in ophilia's life, it is a much longer time in the mind of a two year old. If you consider that people are suggesting two nights is too long for them to be away from their mum, then three weeks (or longer) is also too long for them to be away from their dad. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways.

It's very easy to make snap decisions telling him he can't have access until x or y, but those decisions are only understood by the adults, they won't be understood by the children who only know that they miss their dad and may want to see him.

And right now while h isn't seeing the children or is only seeing them for meals out etc he is being enabled to be the disney parent who comes in to fetch the twins for a nice time and then brings them back to the op for the parenting. He should have to be a parent as well, which the op has herself stated.

Vivicia

I have saw you on many post and have yet to see any sense of humour, stop lecturing people, if you don't like it then don't join in

She's obviously in a very difficult position, she cares for them every day while he's at work, which just leaves evenings and weekends. Upset as the twins might be at seeing less of their dad, the relationship they have with him isn't comparable to the one they have with Ophelia and I would imagine that they would be more upset at being away from her, even for short periods.

It's really for the people who know the twins best to work that out, which I appreciate is the point of mediation. But it wouldn't be unreasonable if she wanted some time to think things through before doing that.

Vivacia you're not the only one who thinks that.

Just sending you love Phee, you poor thing, understandably you sound utterly exhausted and emotionally wrung out.

I just can't understand how this man, this allegedly devoted father, can change his life so dramatically in such a minuscule timeframe and yet see no reason why poor Phee may object. His lack of concern over his children, and his wife of so many years is astonishing, and I suspect his carefully and lustfully constructed house of cards may well collapse around his ears soon.

We're all here for you, rooting for you. If you need to keep things held together in real life, then use us to let go. We won't judge you, just support you. You're doing brilliantly.

Please don't argue on my account.

I'm grateful for all the help and advice you've offered me! Thank you all ever so much

I've been to the solicitor and will be divorcing on grounds of adultery although my solicitor said that it will be quicker not to name the OW but then I feel like she's getting away with it.

your solicitor is right op. Naming the OW will only grant you personal satisfaction, the courts really aren't interested in the why's and wherefore's and other parties, in fact courts would rather that the process was as straightforward as possible.

You could, maybe, use it as a bargaining tool maybe ie you won't name her if he formally agrees that she will not be introduced to the DTs for at least 6 months. He obviously would not want her "good" name on all the official papers and I would think the only proof you would need for the courts would be the photo of the two of them in bed together

You are doing very well

Sorry I think we all feel very protective of you now!

Sounds like a positive step today with the solicitor. I can see why you would feel that way about not naming her though. Why will it be quicker not to?

Hope you've got some good 'you' time planned for when the twins are in bed.

It may not be the speediest, but really, do you need speed? You're not in a hurry to be officially divorced, and if it makes you feel better to name and shame this woman, then I say go for it. His actions go way beyond unreasonable behaviour, after all.

Well done today Phee, bit of a milestone. Do you have to decide today about naming the OW?

Aw phee, how do you feel ?

Just sending love to you Ophelia.

Counting great suggestion, but how would the Courts enforce it, i.e. what would the penalties be for the Twat not adhering to the court order?

{{{{{Virtual hugs}}}}}

Hi Ophelia, I have just read all of your threads and wanted to offer my support.
I remember the devastation of my ex husbands affairs very well. Like yours, he was the only man in my adult life and I adored him and what we had together. But, he didn't and he shat all over it.
We were together fifteen years, married for 11. Not only did I suffer his affairs but also domestic violence. Why I pined for a man that kicked the shit out of me and spat in my face I will never know.

Finding him on 15 sex sites really helped in leaving the cunt.

Fast forward to now, I'm working, I'm lo King after my three children with no help from him. He lives in another country and I have the most amazing boyfriend.

You will get there, you really will xx

No my solicitor advised I take a few days to think about it as he understands it's very hard for me.

emin because if she is named she will have to be served and respond etc and she could be awkward and difficult so hold it up

Ophelie: don't worry for us darling. We are full of rage against this despicable couple and IMO our way to vent is to fight a bit against each other and especially to indulge in some imaginary-scenarios of what we would do to this trash couple- childish but psychologically very liberating. Our frustration that we can't really do much to help you and pay them back for all the pain they inflicted you is hurting most of us, I dare say. I am like the ones here who enjoy saying stupid and silly statements against them- I let it to the highly moral ones to wring their fingers at us-
BTW we are condemning here both a man and a WOMAN (WF). Sure the victim here is a woman, a great woman (Ophelie)- but deep in our heart we feel that all decent humans - men and women- are potential victims to such couple. Life is good- but My!Karma is a bitch!

Phee: If you name her in the divorce what are the implications on her? how longer will it take to divorce him? is your solicitor a good one- who understand the best interests of you and your kids but who can, on the way slap both them where it will hurt them most (their 'name' the image they project.) Ophelie do you have some arrangement in place so that you can rest a bit whist someone you trust take care of your DT? hugs love!

He also started a thread about me on here and most of the women agreed that I must be a prostitute based on what he said!

There really are some prize cunts out there and I'm sorry that you married one.

Take a bit of time, today was a sore one x