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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 06/05/2015 17:40

I guess if the divorce is on the grounds of adultery it's pretty clear to everyone who the adultery was with anyway. You can tell everyone "yes we divorced on the grounds of his adultery" and you're not 'vindictively' naming her but as everyone knows they're together...

THIS!

kayls2910 · 06/05/2015 17:42

Hi ophelia on my divorce papers it says the respondent has had an adulterous relationship with someone who can be named if called upon to do so.... The court probably won't want OW to be named but I'm sure it'll put the wind up them!

langstromspony · 06/05/2015 17:44

I know it's hard to imagine it now - but you will slowly start to feel better Ophelia - by this time next year you won't feel the same at all, you are suffering the most horrendous shock but things change all the time - you have dignity on your side - you will be happy again - and stronger for what you've been through. I know it seems now that your H and WF are destined to go off for a happy future together - but this is VERY unlikely - by the time your twins start school I'd be amazed if they were still together. His chickens really will come home to roost - karma will catch up with them and bite them on the arse. They really haven't got away with anything - guilt is a corrosive emotion and one you have to put a lot of energy into avoiding.

clam · 06/05/2015 17:51

From a purely practical point of view, who would ever get to know that she'd been named anyway? It's not as though the town crier shouts it out on the town hall steps, is it?

RomaFlo · 06/05/2015 17:57

Sorry can I ask what WF means Blush

Christinayangstwistedsister · 06/05/2015 17:58

Ahem. ...wankfodder, it was how he described ow, it has kind of stuck..if you know what I mean

BathtimeFunkster · 06/05/2015 18:08

Anyone who ever saw the divorce documentation would know.

So eventually the children, since this is happening before they are old enough to undertand why their Daddy has left the family.

Having evidence in the future of why the marriage ended might be useful.

HootyMcTooty · 06/05/2015 18:10

In this case I'd be tempted to name her as her reputation and good name seems to be the only thing that's important to your stbxh. However, realistically it doesn't really matter in the long term, so you need to have a think about whether it's worth the delay and how much of a hurry you're in to finalise this.

Ultimately, name her, don't name her there's no right or wrong.

Well done for today Flowers

RomaFlo · 06/05/2015 18:16

Ah right, thank you.

alwaysstaytoolong · 06/05/2015 18:20

Naming her won't damage her in any way. Very few people will have access to the divorce papers so it's not like she'd be 'named and shamed'.

And their relationship isn't a secret. They're already 'out', they're seen together, are uploading photographs of them as a couple etc.

Divorce him because of his adultery but if naming her will prolong the process, why put yourself through it?. It might make you feel better for a short time but will be useless in trying to make her or him feel bad or uncomfortable.

They don't think they've done anything terrible. They have this great love they couldn't deny yada yada - naming her will just give them fuel to say you're jealous/vindictive etc and ultimately not benefit you in any way in any case.

The important people know what happened and they are the only ones who matter.

GERTI · 06/05/2015 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 06/05/2015 18:49

roma my H described the start of his sexting / asking for pictures as wank fodder Confused

Thank you all so much for your advice and talking me through all this. I don't want to make my decision right now but I'm leaning towards not naming her. I figured that no one would know she was named so in the end I wouldn't feel any better about it.

It's so hard right now to decided what to do. Honestly in my heart of hearts I wouldn't be going through a divorce I would be planning my next baby and a big holiday but I'm in s situation where I am going to have to divorce Sad part of me says I'm not in a rush to get divorced but another part says get rid of him quickly!!

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 06/05/2015 18:52

I totally understand that, my only point would be that so far he has called the shots with everything ....this would be one way of gaining some control, you may also want to think about how you would feel if he was the one to start proceedings

MerryMarigold · 06/05/2015 19:00

Hi Ophelia. Big wave and shout out to YOU! You're being incredible, after last night's 'stuff' and little sleep for a long time.

Personally I would not name her for these reasons:

  • It will come across as vindictive to them and be another way of bringing them 'together' vs. you.
  • Your children will have a wonderful relationship with you when they grow up. If you tell them it was her, I am sure they will believe you.
CitySnicker · 06/05/2015 19:01

What did solicitor say about contact with OW?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 06/05/2015 19:04

That as there is no reason for any safe guarding concerns etc and as he is their father I can't dictate who he sees when he has the kids. He suggested I write a fair contact proposal regarding when they meet the OW like suggesting he doesn't introduce her to them for x amount of months and then when he does only for a few hours in a public place etc not at her house or his parents until they are used I her a bit more etc

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 06/05/2015 19:06

You are doing the right thing to think carefully about it.
I know you aren't in any rush but, I'm sorry to say, waiting won't bring anything back. At least by getting this done it's another step toward moving forwards.
Whether you name her or not won't make any difference in the long run. On one hand it could be a bit of a shameful moment for them both. Being served papers won't be nice at all. I think it only slows things if she contests. She hasn't a leg to stand on there so I doubt she would.
The difference between your parents' ideas is telling of the male/female attitude. As a man, your dad can be more pragmatic and wants it done and dusted. As a woman, your mum feels wronged and wants some justice.
Think carefully, get real life advice and, more importantly, try to do something at bedtime to take your mind of it. You need sleep! Thanks

LondonRocks · 06/05/2015 19:16

I would want her to feel dreadful and be named. I'd be vindictive.

Main reason being that he sees her as a fucking charmer. A Juliet figure. When in fact she's an absolute prick. And I bet she's hoping she's not named...

But, ultimately, do what will cause YOU minimal stress. You've been through so much. The PP who said their papers included something about the other party possibly being named, might be worth considering.

Flowers to you, OP.

Phoenix0x0 · 06/05/2015 19:17

I agree that you are doing the right thing, by being timely and measured.

The proposal is a good idea and I liked the idea of meeting in public briefly after a few months and then slowly building upon that.

Like I have said before contact is a negotiation, so be mindful that you don't feel pressurised into agreeing to anything unless you feel it is within the DT best interest.

If he does try to say well 'WF did it this way and it worked' counter that by saying 'well my friend X, did it this way and it worked'.

Cherryapple1 · 06/05/2015 19:24

I think not naming her shows you have dignity and grace and just goes to further highlight their own failings and dishonesty.

I however would be wanting to name her, write it on large bedsheets and drape it on roundabouts and bridges and take out a double page spread in the local free paper. But I think you are much more grown up, decorous and sensible than I am.

LondonRocks · 06/05/2015 19:27

Honestly, I don't think naming a person is a sign of being non decorous! If someone wants to do it, why does that make them the lesser person?!

If OP wants to name her, I wouldn't pass any judgement on her dignity or grace, which she has in spades...

twocutedarlings · 06/05/2015 19:33

Been reading your thread Ophelia, but up to now never had anything to add that others hadn't already added.

Firstly youre doing amazingly well, I am so very sorry your'e going through all this.

Regarding naming the OW, yes it would most certainly piss her and your H off for a few days! but at what financial cost? When your'e stronger there will be many many more opportunities to rain on their smutty parade!!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 06/05/2015 20:34

I think I won't name her, i honestly can't really see what i'll achieve and if they feel no shame and guilt anyway it wont make a difference so I wont feel better at the end of the day

OP posts:
Joysmum · 06/05/2015 20:42

Reason for not naming:- it'll hurt you more than it'll hurt them.

I think your next action is to compose a letter pointing to research about not introducing OW too quickly to limit the effects on the children and making it very clear that he'll be putting his wants before their needs if he goes against generally accepted protocol on this.

Vivacia · 06/05/2015 20:46

Could the letter come from your solicitor?