I think my dh is useless. Are we doomed?

[Klik]

I'm tired. Dd2 doesn't sleep for more than 3 hour stretches and is often up for 1.5hrs in the night. I'm breast feeding so having made a total rod for my back I feed her back to sleep.

Yesterday both DDs were grumpy/clingy/whiny/generally hard-going and I also came down with a cold.

Dh is primarily a "lovely bloke". Gentle, sweet, nice, not laddish or blokey IYSWIM but I think I just think he's useless.

Days out, holidays, finances, house admin, childcare, occasions, dinners are left for me to sort out. He does help around the house in terms of housework and DIY but the non-tangible stuff seems to completely pass him by.

I've told him (cried, screamed, asked, chatted) that I need more from him.

Since Sunday a series of really small things have happened and I just feel disappointed and let down by him. On top of that the long-term tiredness is really getting to me, and I feel shit with this cold. He doesn't seem to register just how much I'm struggling at the moment despite me telling him. He'll give me a kiss on the cheek and say something meek like "these are hard times, we'll get through them" and I want to scream "HOW? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ENSURE THAT?" at him. What I want him to do is say he's sorted dinner, or done the food shop, or whatever.

If I ask him for an extra hour in bed at the weekend, he'll take the DDs downstairs and think he's a fucking hero for giving them breakfast yet and plonking them in front of the tv while he sits with them on his phone and then there will be a huge great mess to clear up when I get up and everything will be a rush because we're simply an hour behind because I had the audacity to need more sleep.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I'm just really down about him and this useless thing is clouding everything he does so he kind of can't do right for doing wrong. Which I know isn't fair.

But the bit doesn't feel fair that I feel like I'm really struggling on a day to say basis and all he can do is give me a sympathetic look. I know he's not responsible for happiness but just once I want him to take control and attempt to come up with a plan of some kind to change/help.

When he poked his head in this morning to say bye and "have a nice day" I burst into tears and shouted at him "I am laying here wondering how I'm going to cope with all I've got to do today feeling this shit and tired and I seriously don't think it even registers with you, you just toddle off to work". He half-heartedly offered to stay home (which he knows is totally impractical as he's self-employed and would lose money) I asked what he would do "I dunno. Take the kids out or something". And I again I wanted to scream at him that isn't going to get done all the things I needed to be done today and instead told him "to just go to work because having you hear would be an extra fucking burden rather than a help". Not my finest moment.

I'm just SO cross with him for not recognizing how much I'm struggling at the moment. And for not doing anything about it.

He pussies around with his work too. For years we've been talking about him "really going for it" but nothing changes or happens despite how much I try to help/encourage/leave alone. I've also said to him if he doesn't want to "really go for it" then that's cool, just tell me so I'm not encouraging something he has no intention to do.

He zaps my emotions yet doesn't support mine. It's like having another more needy child rather than a supportive partner. I've said this many many times before but nothing ever changes.

I'm at a loss as to what I can do. I'm too tired, cross and resentful to have the energy to have the same old shit conversation again.

I want our marriage to work but he seems to think just turning up is enough rather than actively contributing.

Could you give him a list of what the DC normally have to eat and snack on so he can compare?

Or do nothing and let him deal with buying snacks when you are out and the kids are whinging?

Well he knows what they usually have..... He's just forgotten to build it in.

I'd prefer to not have whiny hungry children to contend with as it doesn't seem fair on them really but it would probably hammer the point home.

I've delicately mentioned that I'm not sure my diet can accommodate all of those selections.

He really doesn't get how tricky it is to come up with healthy-ish meals for four people.

He must learn. He must learn. He must learn.

So positive sandwich -

1. great , that looks good
2. then - do you have dcs and us on every day?

Do we have enough snacks in the house?

1. I am looking forward to ....

My mum used to have a master shopping list, it had all the things that should be in the house, when she made her weekly list she ran through the master :
loo roll, butter, milk, bread, kit kats for packed lunches, marmalade etc etc and if we had run out she put it on this weeks list

and then meal plan and add those things on the list.

Would some kind of master list help? It could include the normal snacks and lunch items.
I usually make packed lunches so when I went away for a week I made a list - dd like x and y, ds likes a and b, they all have f g and h. That list remains in the cooking folder and dh used it for ages when it was his turn.

(Btw we don't eat lentils at every meal or anything and I'm happy to relax the rules on the diet a bit whilst we're away but we do generally eat fresh stuff)

Not sure a master list for just this weekend would really apply?

I like the sandwich approach........ Thanks.

He's just said "I can change it" which I think is code for "can you do it?" So I said, "ok cool, let know what else you come up with and if you want my input".

not, not master for this weekend, I meant in general, or a list of dcs favourite meals and snacks. So when you say - your turn, he has something he can go and grab and use as a starting point.

Great reply - don't be tempted to take it back, it is his job now!

Hi Klik - Ive been where you are with a clueless DH, a child who didn't sleep for longer than 2 hours at a stretch a long time (I won't tell you how long!) and overwhelming tired ness.

What I would suggest is that you concentrate on yourself first -

• get the sleeping bit under control using what other posters have suggested
• get some childcare sorted - either inhouse or at a nursery/ childminder
• go and see your GP. Talk to him or her about how you feel, and see what they suggest. It may be PND, or it may be extreme tiredness. It was the latter for me, but it was a very very thin line.
• find some 'me' time either at the gym or elsewhere.

You may find contacting Homestart as good idea. You'll have someone to come over for half a day a week, who'll have very broad shoulders and who'll help out for a few hours with the children and give you a break.

Then tackle DH when you feel on more of an even keel. I appreciate that you may need him to help out, and you need to spell out your needs.

Good Luck (and yes, I am still married 17 years later!)

Have you seriously considered getting in a sleep consultant. I think it would make the world of difference to your life.

The baby won't settle for your dh? Rubbish. He lives there, he's her father and he needs to learn to deal with her and vice versa. It's only came to this point because you have allowed it to or thought you could do it better than dh so took over (obviously most men would gladly hand this task over).

His lack of confidence, might that come from you critisizing him, all be it 'nicely'?

And the list you speak of, whatever happened to working in partnership and focusing on each other's strengths?

So what if he can't string four days worth of healthy meals together. You want to stew over it? Really? No the wonder your exhausted.

Your dh clearly is not useless. What would be good here is to say: can you be responsible for the ironing, bathing the children and getting them ready for bed each night.

Women and men are wired differently. I don't think he should need to start thinking like you to demonstrate whether he is useless or not.

If he is as reasonable and a good man like you say then if you are tired, when he gets in from work you say you're going for a sleep. Then he takes over. You need not cause such a fuss over stains and bibs.

Dead arguments, caused by tiredness.

I mean what I say kindly.

Online food shopping?

Chuckling at the in-car sandwich toaster!

About your child's sleep it might help you to read this
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

it saved our sanity

My stbxh is one of these men.

Every facet and angle on this thread has happened to me.

I sometime dos get him to be responsible for stuff with a list. But if I'd say given him the ironing to be his 'job', he wouldn't do it at any sort of sensible time.... He would do it Sunday at 12 so you couldn't have family time or go out. I could do a shirt in 3 minutes. He took 30.
And he wouldn't use the water from the tumble dryer so the iron would break in triple quick time with limescale. And he'd only manage three weeks of putting the board away.

I still loved him with my exhausted brain.

He repaid me by having an affair. I threw him out.

Life is so much better now.

Quitelikely - a good point we try hard to play to our strengths, my hubby always says he married me because i am organised and a planner whereas he is a drifter. Some things are just easier to do myself as they arent worth the battle. Like my gran says - pick your battles carefully.

Today is hubbys turn to cook dinner and he likes to experiment, i text him yesterday to remind him of this, today i will buy the ingredients and i will probably tidy up after him. Then i shall have to be overwhelmed with gratitude by the actual cooking! But i am working on him slowly, building his confidence (he never learnt to cook) and he loves the praise. By the time i go back to work he will be an accomplished cook -i have a master plan!!

I dont think i am treating him like a man child i am helping him - my DIL will never have this with my DS as i will train him from an early age! My ILs are very old fashioned and he never had any need to do any of this.

I love him so much and i want to support him not nag him, i do get frustrated but now i have more of a life and more sleep it matters a lot less - when i was having a hard time it all seemed much worse, i know have some perspective on the situation. Another little mantra we have is "its only nagging if i have to ask more than once"! - god i sound high maintenance dont i? But hubby does agree he wouldnt have it any other way.

Sandwich toaster in the car is HILARIOUS

He's trying, at least. Baby steps!

DH is a bit like this in some ways, although very go ahead re career.

I do agree you need to sort this, and I realise how frustrating and horrendous this is for you. So my experience went a bit like this...

It took me ages to realise that when I want help, giving him a specific list of things I want done with instructions is really, really what he needs and he doesn't mind being micro managed. He genuinely doesn't see some things I think of as vitally important as important (and tbf, the reverse is also true). After a while of specific instructions, he gets the hang of it and needs them less. Just like anyone learning anything tbf.

It also took me ages to realise that a lot of the stuff I was punishing myself with and he he didn't notice it was getting done...well he didn't notice it because he genuinely didn't think it was necessary and didn't give two hoots about whether it got done or not. So when I stopped doing it he didn't mind at all and I felt a lot better cos I wasn't punishing myself with impossible standards anymore. After a bit of that laissez-faire attitude we had a chat about what I still really thought needed done and what I in all honesty now realised could be let go.

And the stuff I still really thought needed done (because it makes other stuff simpler in the long run etc), we split, sometimes I just needed to explain the how and why to him a bit because he didn't "feel" it right away. And there is stuff he is a lot more obsessive about than I am, some of which he has let go, some of which stays, so that process rowed both ways.

And as for your DH not being ambitious/driven enough...well, he was like that when you met? If you are more driven that's fine but that's what is right for you. Sometimes people really are best sticking to their own style. You never know, you might be glad one day he did play it safe. One driven, one more of a safety player, than sounds like quite a complementary pairing to be honest. Sometimes two gung-ho go ahead people together can work, but it can also be really, really high stress. Maybe his laid backness is part of what makes some bits of your relationship work?

There are things my hubby doesnt notice so i dont do them - it took me a long time to realise what those things were however. Also i cant be super mum, super housewife, super student host and super wife and something has to give.

I think my hubby and i are a good team and we compliment each other, i do know if i was married to someone like myself we would drive each other bonkers(i have an ex that would attest to that!).

I seem to be all about mantras!! and the MN one of this to shall pass has gotten me through some tough times!

Have a fab holiday Klik, give yourself and hubby a break and just relax - as much as you can.

You know what klik - I'd just leave him to it on the food front. He'll discover soon enough that snacks were needed for the car and presumably there are shops where you are going.

OP - just read through the whole of this.

May I recommend a white board? You sit down together and list the daily/weekly and monthly tasks and then pick them off one by one as to which ones you will do each and initial each one. Meals, you write the days down and then meals you are planning to do and from that, a shopping list can be drawn up. Which he can go get as one of his chores. Exercise, write down an evening each on the family diary. Big things like planning for a holiday goes on the board and you both list the tasks and initial who will do each one. When you go see friends, turn the phone on silent and just check it occasionally. Don't respond to nonsense texts, only in case of emergencies. He leaves a bib off, you laugh and say 'ha ha, you just nominated yourself for getting that clean, nice one'. His turn to cook, don't let him get away with buying takeout - he absolutely HAS to cook properly unless it is a special occasion. He looks after the kids in the morning - come down and sit there and if he says 'time to go out' you say 'We can't until x, y and z is done and as it is on your watch, better get it sorted'.

Holiday - if he doesn't get the right food at least you can go and get more. He can only learn by doing and if you keep filling in the gaps, he will never learn!

And you have to at some point leave him in charge for more than an hour or two. Plan an overnight with a friend soon, and get him pulling his finger out.

Even a small problem is magnified by 1000 when you are exhausted. You are feeding your 9 month old like a newborn - it's a killer. This needs to be sorted. If you go to local children's centre they can help you with this.
As another poster mentioned a cleaner and online shopping can be a life saver in the earl days.