I think my dh is useless. Are we doomed?

[Klik]

I'm tired. Dd2 doesn't sleep for more than 3 hour stretches and is often up for 1.5hrs in the night. I'm breast feeding so having made a total rod for my back I feed her back to sleep.

Yesterday both DDs were grumpy/clingy/whiny/generally hard-going and I also came down with a cold.

Dh is primarily a "lovely bloke". Gentle, sweet, nice, not laddish or blokey IYSWIM but I think I just think he's useless.

Days out, holidays, finances, house admin, childcare, occasions, dinners are left for me to sort out. He does help around the house in terms of housework and DIY but the non-tangible stuff seems to completely pass him by.

I've told him (cried, screamed, asked, chatted) that I need more from him.

Since Sunday a series of really small things have happened and I just feel disappointed and let down by him. On top of that the long-term tiredness is really getting to me, and I feel shit with this cold. He doesn't seem to register just how much I'm struggling at the moment despite me telling him. He'll give me a kiss on the cheek and say something meek like "these are hard times, we'll get through them" and I want to scream "HOW? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ENSURE THAT?" at him. What I want him to do is say he's sorted dinner, or done the food shop, or whatever.

If I ask him for an extra hour in bed at the weekend, he'll take the DDs downstairs and think he's a fucking hero for giving them breakfast yet and plonking them in front of the tv while he sits with them on his phone and then there will be a huge great mess to clear up when I get up and everything will be a rush because we're simply an hour behind because I had the audacity to need more sleep.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I'm just really down about him and this useless thing is clouding everything he does so he kind of can't do right for doing wrong. Which I know isn't fair.

But the bit doesn't feel fair that I feel like I'm really struggling on a day to say basis and all he can do is give me a sympathetic look. I know he's not responsible for happiness but just once I want him to take control and attempt to come up with a plan of some kind to change/help.

When he poked his head in this morning to say bye and "have a nice day" I burst into tears and shouted at him "I am laying here wondering how I'm going to cope with all I've got to do today feeling this shit and tired and I seriously don't think it even registers with you, you just toddle off to work". He half-heartedly offered to stay home (which he knows is totally impractical as he's self-employed and would lose money) I asked what he would do "I dunno. Take the kids out or something". And I again I wanted to scream at him that isn't going to get done all the things I needed to be done today and instead told him "to just go to work because having you hear would be an extra fucking burden rather than a help". Not my finest moment.

I'm just SO cross with him for not recognizing how much I'm struggling at the moment. And for not doing anything about it.

He pussies around with his work too. For years we've been talking about him "really going for it" but nothing changes or happens despite how much I try to help/encourage/leave alone. I've also said to him if he doesn't want to "really go for it" then that's cool, just tell me so I'm not encouraging something he has no intention to do.

He zaps my emotions yet doesn't support mine. It's like having another more needy child rather than a supportive partner. I've said this many many times before but nothing ever changes.

I'm at a loss as to what I can do. I'm too tired, cross and resentful to have the energy to have the same old shit conversation again.

I want our marriage to work but he seems to think just turning up is enough rather than actively contributing.

I could have written your OP, and Handy sums it up for me - I want an equal partner, not a passenger.

The respect has gone because he puts him, and his needs totally above everyone and everything else.

And although I'm far from a martyr, someone has to put the kids needs first. If, for instance, I didn't, they wouldn't have school places, be vaccinated, have dental checks, play dates, nice trips out, holidays... Everything is down to me and my marriage is in a very perilous state because of his inability to consider anyone else. It is just exhausting.

If we separated tomorrow my workload would decrease, and his would increase massively because he would suddenly need to run his own life.

I'm ranting. Sorry. But I totally get where you are coming from. It's exhausting.

Exactly! I am exhausted from facilitating his life, even down to buying and wrapping his own mother's birthday present. All he has to do is sign then skip round to be son of the year. As you can tell I am feeling very resentful today.

If I say all thus to him he just rolls his eyes and says "just don't do it then".

And yet I still do. Bonkers.

pouch, some of this hit a nerve.

I just sourced MIL's birthday present. DH wouldn't bother. And I think she deserves a nice pressie.

Sometimes I think: It must be nice to be a man!

Hi i discussed this with hubby when he got home and he agreed with me about him being a bit useless but improving! The thing he said had made a massive difference to me (more sleep aside) was me having more of a life - getting out with friends, exercising and having a bit of time to myself.

Having a bit of a bigger life has helped me deal with home life. HTH

My mum came to stay when hubby was working abroad.... it was great having a wife. She did all the housework, let me have lie ins, gave me time to go to the gym, did my washing and played with the kids. It was amazing!! God i missed her when she left!

Apologies for coming back to the thread with something so trivial but sunshine gets tomato stains out no bother - drying the clothes in strong sunlight works beautifully.

And no, I don't think you were being a pain in the arse to mention it. My point relating to that was I was being a pain in the arse by coming out with a stream of minor criticisms all the time, often accompanied by a pained sigh and slight eye roll.

I really struggled too. I also think I might have had PND but I don't know where sleep deprivation ended and PND began.

I am exhausted from facilitating his life, even down to buying and wrapping his own mother's birthday present.

This is the last time you do that, OK. Make sure he knows in advance that it's his job, though.

drying the clothes in strong sunlight works beautifully.

You need some actual strong sunlight and lack of rain for that to be a possibility. An impossible ask for about 8 months of the year in much of the UK.

It makes more sense to minimise the risk of getting tomato stains on something lovely they'll ruin, in the first place.

Anyway, your lodger post is very telling. I would feel massively resentful of a H like that.

Ok I don't want to nitpick but DD splattered bolognese over her white school polo (expensive logoed) the other day and the stains came out after being dried at the window. And I'm not exactly in a sunny part of the UK. Anyway.....!

Sit down with him with a list of jobs that you do. Between you both split the jobs so that he has some responsibilities. You then wash your hands of his jobs. Let him fall flat if he fails to do them.

If he doesn't commute far and therefore has much more spare time, I suggest that he cooks four times a week, does the dishes on the other three nights, does all the floors and loos once at the weekend, puts a clothes wash on daily. With the kids he could bath them all daily to give you a short amount of child free time.

Yes and don't do his families/friends Xmas cards/birthday gifts.

Ok so big long talk tonight has helped. He says he needs me to be more explicit so I think that will work better for us both and play to our strengths.

For example. We're away this coming weekend in a self catering place. I've given food a bit of thought but not fully and typically I would've asked "what shall we do about food this weekend?"... And I admit this would've been a mini 'test' as I know he probably wouldn't have given it any thought. But, it would've been a genuine attempt to get him to input so I didn't feel it was all left to me. He would've had no time to think about it and come out with (in my mind and now I see unfairly) crap quick suggestion which I would've deemed no good.

So I've decided now and explained to dh that I won't do that any more. It's not fair because I know he won't have thought about that kind of thing. Instead, I've said "can you sort the food for this weekend please? That involves breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks for all four of us on the four days we're away, working out what to take with us that we've already got and packing it in the car, what to buy there, where to buy it, how to get it to the accommodation, and cooking it... As well as factoring any meals out".

He is happier with this as it gives him a job with a purpose that hasn't caught him off guard. It gives him responsibility without expecting him to just magically take it on.

Phew. That feels better already.

That's a very practical place to start, Klik.
See how things go. Really glad you feel better.

Well done - as you say, it takes away a huge element of 'him not knowing what's on your mind'.

I just need to make sure he doesn't feel I'm barking orders at him now.

Well..if you're going to have an equal, adult partnership, communication about practicalities is required. That's not, or needn't be, barking orders.

On the other hand, if one partner is very inexperienced at taking responsibility for anything at all, it will need a lot more communication to start with...

Hope he doesn't just stock up on bumper packs of fish fingers!

That's great that you feel a bit better.

I think dividing responsibilities between you and then leaving his to him - and accepting that he will fail sometimes (as I suppose so might you unlikely ) will help you to stay off his back.

But, as a general observation I think you do sound a bit too bothered by the small stuff - tidiness, stains (inevitable with babies), clean cars and even going away seems a bit ambitious when you are knackered and adding unnecessary stress and work.

I'll probably get a bit of a bashing for suggesting this, but a baby of 9 months is easily able to go through the night. Have you thought of sleep training/controlled crying to get her to stay asleep at night? Or co-sleeping?

Your problem is that you expect him to respond to your every emotional need. And you are being passive aggressive by not telling him what your real, practical needs are.

Here's why your communication style is like this (you said it yourself upthread):

My dm (slight narc) used to rant and rave at us as kids and use the line "try and imagine how it makes me feel" and I just used to nod along and say what she wanted to hear rather than really wanting to put myself in her shoes.

Basically, I think the problem is you and your way of talking with him. And you both need to take some responsibility for sorting out your child's sleep. She's 8 months old. Time to sort it out. Major priority for your family.

So I've decided now and explained to dh that I won't do that any more. It's not fair because I know he won't have thought about that kind of thing. Instead, I've said "can you sort the food for this weekend please? That involves breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks for all four of us on the four days we're away, working out what to take with us that we've already got and packing it in the car, what to buy there, where to buy it, how to get it to the accommodation, and cooking it... As well as factoring any meals out".

This. Is. Perfect.

If you can do this in all your requests and then butt out you will have a lot happier marriage.

Well yes it is perfect if the conversation is "can you do the food for this weekend"

If it involves the explanation of what food for a weekend means and which meals are required and how to factor in meals out - as in the rest of the quotation, then it is same as usual - do it yourself or explain how to do it in such detail that you feel like you have done it yourself because you have thought it out and presented it to the other adult who for some reason couldn't do it themselves.

I think mostly women get tired not from DOING everything connected with family life themselves but from having to be RESPONSIBLE FOR/THINKING ABOUT everything connected with family life. So you either do it or explain to the other adult what he has to do.

What crap that is. How about the other adult coming home with loo roll because he noticed it was out or signing the kids up for summer camp as discussed because he knew all by himself that the deadline was tomorrow. Or telling you he would pick up the groceries for the weekend away but would you mind finding a restaurant for Sat night.

I would recommend not making major relationship decisions at this time.

I found the year after having my second very challenging

I definitely wear the pants in the relationship and feel overwhelmed (and bitchy frankly) about feeling I must run the ship.

Your husband is not exactly what you wish but I'm betting he brings some things to that table that are of worth. it's easy to only focus on the struggle you are feeling when your in the middle of it, but he may genuinely not know how to help you right now.

Present your list...but add a few positives. reflect on how you are handling things too. I feel certain that I had some PPD the second time around...keep it in mind.

wait. Slow down. breathe. Have a and examine how you can make your day a bit more manageable.