I think my dh is useless. Are we doomed?

[Klik]

I'm tired. Dd2 doesn't sleep for more than 3 hour stretches and is often up for 1.5hrs in the night. I'm breast feeding so having made a total rod for my back I feed her back to sleep.

Yesterday both DDs were grumpy/clingy/whiny/generally hard-going and I also came down with a cold.

Dh is primarily a "lovely bloke". Gentle, sweet, nice, not laddish or blokey IYSWIM but I think I just think he's useless.

Days out, holidays, finances, house admin, childcare, occasions, dinners are left for me to sort out. He does help around the house in terms of housework and DIY but the non-tangible stuff seems to completely pass him by.

I've told him (cried, screamed, asked, chatted) that I need more from him.

Since Sunday a series of really small things have happened and I just feel disappointed and let down by him. On top of that the long-term tiredness is really getting to me, and I feel shit with this cold. He doesn't seem to register just how much I'm struggling at the moment despite me telling him. He'll give me a kiss on the cheek and say something meek like "these are hard times, we'll get through them" and I want to scream "HOW? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ENSURE THAT?" at him. What I want him to do is say he's sorted dinner, or done the food shop, or whatever.

If I ask him for an extra hour in bed at the weekend, he'll take the DDs downstairs and think he's a fucking hero for giving them breakfast yet and plonking them in front of the tv while he sits with them on his phone and then there will be a huge great mess to clear up when I get up and everything will be a rush because we're simply an hour behind because I had the audacity to need more sleep.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I'm just really down about him and this useless thing is clouding everything he does so he kind of can't do right for doing wrong. Which I know isn't fair.

But the bit doesn't feel fair that I feel like I'm really struggling on a day to say basis and all he can do is give me a sympathetic look. I know he's not responsible for happiness but just once I want him to take control and attempt to come up with a plan of some kind to change/help.

When he poked his head in this morning to say bye and "have a nice day" I burst into tears and shouted at him "I am laying here wondering how I'm going to cope with all I've got to do today feeling this shit and tired and I seriously don't think it even registers with you, you just toddle off to work". He half-heartedly offered to stay home (which he knows is totally impractical as he's self-employed and would lose money) I asked what he would do "I dunno. Take the kids out or something". And I again I wanted to scream at him that isn't going to get done all the things I needed to be done today and instead told him "to just go to work because having you hear would be an extra fucking burden rather than a help". Not my finest moment.

I'm just SO cross with him for not recognizing how much I'm struggling at the moment. And for not doing anything about it.

He pussies around with his work too. For years we've been talking about him "really going for it" but nothing changes or happens despite how much I try to help/encourage/leave alone. I've also said to him if he doesn't want to "really go for it" then that's cool, just tell me so I'm not encouraging something he has no intention to do.

He zaps my emotions yet doesn't support mine. It's like having another more needy child rather than a supportive partner. I've said this many many times before but nothing ever changes.

I'm at a loss as to what I can do. I'm too tired, cross and resentful to have the energy to have the same old shit conversation again.

I want our marriage to work but he seems to think just turning up is enough rather than actively contributing.

this is the problem

"- really look at wife, try and imagine how she's feeling and think of realistic and useful things that might make her feel better."

I assume that if he could do the above, everything would be a lot better? Sadly, you can't force someone to behave emotionally how you would like them to. Ultimately, it's up to them. It sounds like he is really not present in your marriage. Sorry.

He exercises once a week. I am desperate to exercise more as I think it would help my overall mood. But DD2 is a nightmare at bedtime and wakes anything from 30 mins to 2 hours after first going to sleep, and won't settle for dh, so evenings are out plus I'm too knackered anyway. And weekends we see friends or do stud all together.

But this brings me to another point. What I want him to say is "I know important it is for you to exercise to feel good about yourself, which is important to me, so you go. Don't worry about dd2 waking, I'll handle it, she'll be fine and I can cope. Just go".

I've had a couple of nights out with the girls (possibly 3 in the whole 9 months DD2 has existed) and he's texted me every time she's woken to say what a nightmare he's having. I want to scream (see a common theme here?!) at him "I KNOW SHE'S A NIGHTMARE AS I DEAL WITH IT EVERY FUCKING NIGHT WHILST YOU SLEEP PEACEFULLY IN THE SPARE ROOM. CAN YOU NOT JUST HANDLE IT FOR 3 HOURS BETWEEN 8-11 AND ACKNOWLEDGE I NEED 3 HOURS OF DOING SOMETHING ELSE WITHOUT BEING MADE TO FEEL BAD?"

It's that that really gets to me. That complete lack of awareness of anything I need or feel. Or what might be important for my sanity.

Of course you're not asking too much, Klik. You just want another adult in the house who takes equal mental and physical responsibility for household and childcare things. Sometimes it is more a feeling that you have an equal co-pilot that is really important.

In our house at the moment, unfortunately DH has a run of hugely important, time-consuming things at work just when I have a major deadline coming up and need to work round the clock. Ideally, he would be coming home early to take care of DS (childminder can't keep him late) but these work things are non-negotiable - he did, however, take a day off last week to look after DS and took him out before he went to work on Sat afternoon, and is doing all night wakings to let me be fresh. I know he would do more if it wasn't this exact time of year (high-pressure in his job), and I do feel supported.

You poor thing, you sound absolutely at the end of your tether. Might couples counselling do something to both give you space to express clearly exactly what is wrong with the balance of your marriage in terms of work and responsibility, and to impress the seriousness of the situation on him?

It's not just about helping the OP though.

If he's up & about at the weekend, you feed, wash, dress your kids.

It's not rocket science.

You know, you do it yourself everyday.

Or if it's impractical to get them washed & dressed due to other parent sleeping, then you do it when the other parent gets up, not leave it for them!

You're not expecting too much. You're just married to one of the many people who thinks women should do all the wifework: all the emotional caretaking in the family, all the thinking and planning and management of the household, while they sit back and receive the fruits of this.

If you micro-manage him and write him detailed lists every day/week, sure he'll be doing a few more tasks. But the responsibility for it all will still be squarely on your shoulders. He'll just have to execute, while you still need to be the one to plan and think and anticipate and supervise - and if anything is not done or done badly, he'll get to blame YOU for failing to instruct him properly. And he'll also get to resent you for being a bossy nag.

No, you are not at all wrong to be upset by this. You're being painted into a corner, where you carry all the responsibility, and he shoulders none. Just some tasks, sometimes. But no responsibility.

I don't have a solution for you. But you might find a read of the book "Wifework" interesting and validating at this time.

X-posted with yours, Klik. Is it fair to say that he relatively seldom has to feel the full consequences of the hard work of parenthood/running a household? It sounds as if you've both 'accepted' that your daughter won't settle for him. She will, of course, eventually, and I would say that you should encourage this. Put in earplugs and sleep in the spare room and let him deal with the baby. You won't be able to function at work on five minutes' broken sleep, quite apart from your own mental and physical health. Just let him get on with it. It's not your job to shield him from difficulties.

Well he won't handle your youngest in the evening without more practice, will he?

So go to the gym & switch your phone off!

Don't wait for for him to condone it!

He's the other parent, of course you can just leave him to it.

This isn't really about housework and childcare is it?

What Vivacia said.

avant

I'm on mat leave. DDs are 3.5 and 9 months. We have nursery/groups/lunch/naps/reading/playing to do most days. You know, normal running around after 2 small children. I consider that pretty much a full time job. Most of the time I just about manage that. Then there's the mountains of washing, cooking and day-to-day keeping on top of things which I do all of and will probably continue to do all of when I'm back at work full time Perhaps that's lame to you but I struggle, ok?

Add into that mix that I haven't slept for more than 3 hours consecutively for about a year now and I've got a shitty cold.

A bit more awareness of the juggling and struggling is really what I'm looking for in my dh.

No, it isn't, Vivacia, and the people who are advocating micromanaging via lists are missing the point. The DH isn't Klik's work experience schoolboy, he's supposedly an equal partner who shouldn't need a Saturday morning list that says

Take child to loo.
Feed child breakfast.
Dress child, clean teeth, wash face.
When child is watching TV, put breakfast dishes in dishwasher. Clear up cereal explosion. Put on a wash.

re sleep for your DD's google millpond sleep clinic. They saved my life with sleeping and came up with something i felt happy with. it was all done on the phone and at the time ( 10 years ago) they cost 100.

Loads of people i know have uses them.

Here is a plan.

I think once you get this sorted the other stuff will fall into place....

I've heard of Wifework but will it actually give me any help or will it just validate what I feel?

How do I communicate with him that I think he's useless in a constructive way rather than just offending him?

If I say something like "I need more affection" he'll say "I don't get any from you either". Which just frazzles me because it feels like he's saying "I'm not going to give unless I'm getting". He gets defensive and I just don't think is very emotionally mature. We've discussed this at length too with me saying "if you're fed up or I can see that you're struggling I try and think of stuff that would help you, because we're in this together and I want you to be happy... And I'm hoping for the same in return".

I know he'll come home from work tonight and not really say much. It'll be me for me to initiate a conversation or break the ice and he'll be all confused because he thought that offering to take the day off and take the kids out for a jolly old time was enough and I threw it back in his face.

The other morning he actually got dd2 changed (because he didn't put a bib on her for breakfast and she was covered in weetabix) into another sleepsuit rather than into clothes. He would've had to open the same drawers for some clothes as he did to get the sleepsuit. Yet he thought this was a good idea and took it as criticism when I asked why he didn't just put her in some clothes.

I was you, 5/6 years ago. We split up. Not a second's regret and we're all really happy. We even get on better and can remember why we liked each other in the first place. Life's too short to feel like this.

My H was like this too, I don't agree with those who say "give him lists" I wanted an equal partnership not a relationship with someone I had to instruct. So I just got on with stuff and nearly ran myself into the ground, totally get teh bursting into tears when someone asks if you are OK, cos you just don't have time to acknowledge how you feel, you're too busy doing everything else.

Things did get better when DC's started sleeping more, but I carried doing everything - then guess what??? He had an affair cos he felt surplus to requirements in our relationship....WTF???

Then guess what??? Like a fool I accepted some of the responsibility for him feeling like this, but he still didn't step up to the mark.

We're seperated now - lots of other EA behaviour that almost made me forget about how bad things were when the DCs were small - your post has reminded me.

MY DSs are now late teens and as he refused to leave the home, I did (in november) they stayed as they'd always lived there so guess who pays all the bills, does all teh shopping and keeps on top of the laundry now?? He was always capable it was just easier to let me do it!!!

Also see your GP, looking back I now feel I was suffering from undiagnosed PND - I never went to the docs but when I talk to friends who did and were diagnosed, the feelings & anxiety were exactly the same.

Obviously he's defensive because you're on the attack. You said you've ranted and raved about how you feel, and even if you're trying to keep a lid on it you can't feel this level of frustration and exasperation without it showing in a myriad of small ways.

I totally understand why you're so fucked off, so please don't think I'm defending him by the way!

I agree with pp who said to write the lists or give clear orders as to what needs to be done. I know this will seem like micromanaging but what is the alternative? Expecting him to miraculously see the light? OP storming around getting increasingly pissed off at having to do everything again? Ending the marriage?

Re the dinners thing - I'd just serve up the meals you're prepared to cook. Nominate a night for him to cook or he sorts out a takeaway.

Can you work on weaning DD off the breast? And I agree with diddl - go out, leave your phone and leave him get to on with it.

I'm hoping wifework might give me practical tips on changing the mindset.
I'm a SAHM at moment so alot of the housework is falling to me. Fine.

However when I return to work in a very demanding job I'm worried! Hence why not looking.

OP you are shattered. I had a reflux Velcro baby who just never slept. The washing pile was enormous. Washed twice a day. Tumble dried alot.Fold and Put things in drawers. Never iron.

I bf til 22mths. She eventually slept through. I Resented his snoring Too. Super king bed did sweeten it a bit.

The completely opposing views here are interesting.

I can't understand those who say "Its not my job to ask him to help with specific tasks so I will do it all myself and run myself into the ground." You either want help or you don't, but being a martyr and saying "but he should just know that I want him to clean the bathroom" are likely to find they don't then get the help they need and the relationship will deteriorate.

Ask for specific help with identifiable things and get it (and if you don't then there's an issue) or carry on trying to do everything and harbouring the resentment. It becomes a choice at that stage.

The book will validate how you feel. Which is a help in itself, since your husband isn't doing it.

No book can change him, though: only he can do that. There is no magic formula.

I definitely get what you're saying but you're not being entirely fair to him either.

He offered to take the day off and take the kids out. This was immediately met with you saying no no no and listing reasons why this didn't make sense. However if he hadn't offered then this equally would have irritated you. So this man can't really win can he? What on earth did you expect him to to actually do? There is definitely a whiff of the burning martyr about you - but very understandable because you're tired and feeling rough.

I think this is more about your lack of respect for him because he's not very dynamic and is reactive to your kids as opposed to pro active ... So he will get up with them and feed them but then not think to clear away, leaving you to do all that. You don't HAVE. To do it however ... Come downstairs and ask him to do it.

I realise you probably shouldn't have to but you're dealing with someone who's personality appears to be laid back and just non seeing of all the kid related stuff. Only you can decide whether you can put up with it or not

"Its not my job to ask him to help with specific tasks so I will do it all myself and run myself into the ground."

I've not read one post recommending that.

Work out what needs doing (be ruthless, many chores are non essential).

Then work out what you can outsource.

What's left divvy up. Do it together.

The other thing about my situation is (and I can say this now, looking back) no-one was right or wrong, really. We were just entirely incompatible. His lovely girlfriend now can deal with his complete shithole of a flat. We have our lovely, tidy, bollock-free home. He would find it sterile and uncreative. Horses for courses.

Btw the weaning DD advice used to piss me off. I enjoyed BF her and had worked hard to do it. I used to think why should I give that up just because I need some more support.

It was tiring and the lack of sleep made me feel impossible at times however it was the mental exhaustion of juggling EVERYTHING else that I wanted to share.

I dont even mind the cooking but I'd like some input into what to cook.

Btw she sleeps now. I'm not doing my degree or working. I'm still shattered!