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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

232 replies

kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 13:22

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

OP posts:
bendybrickpumpkinpatch · 28/04/2015 13:24

I think you know the answer don't you.
He has treated you appallingly and is still doing it.

LTB

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/04/2015 13:24

Why are you trying to salvage this?

This man does not care about you, nor respect you, you need to split. Do you want your boys to grow up thinking this is how they can treat their partner?

Miggsie · 28/04/2015 13:25

I am sorry this has happened - however don't automatically assume the children would be devastated if you split - your husband clearly prefers spending time with his mistress rather than his family and now she's gone he's watching porn.
That isn't going to win him father of the year any time soon.

Bonsoir · 28/04/2015 13:25

Your marriage does not sound salvageable. I'm very sorry to say that as you are, very justifiably, devastated and vulnerable. But how could you contemplate sharing your life with a man who treats you so abominably?

motherlondon · 28/04/2015 13:27

Your 3 boys to consider are the exact reason to leave him. So they grow up and treat their future partners and mothers of their children respectfully. Your husband is a fuckhead.

NerrSnerr · 28/04/2015 13:27

You need to split. My parents were unhappy and my dad had an affair. We knew what was going on and it was shit. Give them the chance to grow up in a happy household, you may think you're hiding it from your kids, but they'll know something's not right.

honeyroar · 28/04/2015 13:28

He sounds awful and doesn't treat you well. Your three boys would be better growing up without watching someone treat their mother that way. Staying with someone who treats you badly 'for the children' is not the best thing to do. You need to put yourself first now. The children will adapt and be fine.

lemonyone · 28/04/2015 13:29

Hi Kiwimommy,

I'm so, so sorry to hear about all you've been through. It just sounds devastating.
Personally, I feel as though you have tried the counselling, but he is still lying and cheating you. I would certainly begin to plan for a controlled exit from this marriage as I'm afraid the omens aren't good at this point. Begin gathering financial information etc and try and work out a support structure in the Uk in lieu of family.

Yes, your boys will be shaken badly by this, but as a child of divorce I do feel that as long as you manage it carefully then the wounds won't run too deep. Please get concrete help though from those around you.

magoria · 28/04/2015 13:31

Get rid of your H and get a new nanny.

He sounds vile.

The children are not always the best reason to stay. If you would have left anyway that is probably your best option.

To be honest paying her in leiu may have been the best thing he could have done for you as imagine if this had gone legal with your H (employer) having sex with her.

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2015 13:31

They both sound disgusting. I don't know how you kept him at home - I wouldn't be able to look at him. He had an affair when you were at your most vulnerable and left you alone to cope with the children while he was shagging the person who was employed to help you!

Arrgh! I couldn't do it. If he's got so much money it's time for him to pay out and fuck off.

pocketsaviour · 28/04/2015 13:37

It's probably best, legally speaking, to pay her off as she would almost certainly have been able to claim unfair dismissal otherwise, sad to say :(

If he is still lying to you, it doesn't seem he particularly wants to salvage the marriage, does it? Has he agreed to do anything concrete to rebuild trust and intimacy?

verbeier · 28/04/2015 13:38

I'm from abroad too. If it was me, I would be on a plane to get childcare and emotional help from my family. I really feel for you, your DH is a shit.

verbeier · 28/04/2015 13:39

On plane with children, not DH. Just to clarify :)

BuzzardBird · 28/04/2015 13:44

The man's a class A cunt.

Your son's are definitely not better off with you staying with him for all the obvious reasons.

Do you have any support in RL? Do you want to stay where you are?

Sallyingforth · 28/04/2015 13:45

Your marriage can only survive if you both want it to, and if you are both open and honest with each other about your relationship.

If he's still telling lies and shutting himself away with the porn, then those conditions are not being met.

I agree with the others that it would be better for everyone concerned - especially the children - to make a clean break now rather than struggle on with an increasingly unpleasant situation that will inevitably end in tears anyway.

You will be in a strong position to remain in the family home with the children.

Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 13:47

It's been 3 months now & he swears blind they have no contact. We are following advice from counsellor too. Although this lie happened over 2 months ago the fact I discovered it to me means it is fresh (& he would never come clean about it as his m.o. With the affair was he thought he would never be found out). We have been working on spending time together & rekindling affection. I felt it was going well, but that we stillhad a long way to go.
Financially I am fine - we earn the same & we know I'll have the family home if we can't get over this. (Although he has used his small business account to carry out this particular deception , so I now need to hat access to that to monitor too..)

OP posts:
Original poster
kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 13:56

I had even looked at being stay at home mum for longer as my long hours stressful job was a contributor to our preexisting problems. This is massive for me as I LOVE my job, & really enjoy working.

OP posts:
FourFlapjacksPlease · 28/04/2015 14:05

Do not give up your job!!!!! You need your financial security while you figure out what to do.

Only you know if you can trust him again and move on from this. I don't think I could. Your children will be ok if you decide to end your marriage - they just will. You can't and shouldn't sacrifice your life and happiness if it isn't what you want for yourself. You are worth more than that.

Good luck x

RubbishMantra · 28/04/2015 14:05

Blimey. All that and he's still being penisey towards you?

I was going to suggest counselling on his own, but changed my mind because he seems beyond help. Why did you have to attend couples counselling, when he was the one who was unfaithful? How dare he hand you a large portion of his responsibility pie of his shitty behaviour.

My mother had an affair when I was a child. They got back together. I still believe firmly to this day, my father shouldn't have taken her back. (She only went back to him because it was the easier option.) He was a fit and healthy man. As soon as he retired, and they were spending all their days together, with no distraction, he got illness, after illness, after illness. That's what stress can do to the body. And over the years, she's treated him with more and more disdain. But he sings her praises, because, y'know, she's his carer. He relies on her.

Myself and my siblings never had children, because we'd had such crap examples of relationships. Terrified of making the same mistakes.

Don't let that happen to you sweetie. The children will pick up on this level of unhappiness and his disrespect towards you. You've still got a lot of living to do. You deserve those future years to be happy.

PinkPearlClutcher · 28/04/2015 14:06

Gosh I am SO sorry.

As others have said, he's a class A cunt, I honestly think you're better off without him. Could you really ever trust him again?

And as a nanny myself, I cannot even comprahend how that could have happened. Just awful, I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Move on and enjoy your time with your DC's

rosiepinkcheeks · 28/04/2015 14:09

I am so sorry you are going through this Kiwimommy. I am not sure what to advise other than to do what is right for you and your children. I understand that you are concerned about your children if you do split but staying together for the childrens' sake is not a good idea. Finding out that he has still been lying to you is just causing you further anxiety and pain. I know your family are not close but do you a support network - a group of girlfriends you can turn to? Is the counselling helping and do you feel you husband is fully on board?

atotalshambles · 28/04/2015 14:14

I used to think an affair meant the end of a marriage. However I know of a few couples who have split after affairs and then got back together and are now happy. In one couple, the husband had an affair when a second baby was born and went to live with the OW. After another a year the couple got back together and are happily married 20 years on. In the other the husband was meeting ladies on-line when his wife was pregnant and arranging to meet them in hotels. The wife found out the day before she was induced! They had a few years which were tough especially for the wife as she struggled to forgive. I met up with her a few months ago and she said that things were now really good between them and he has genuinely changed. I believe that people can make mistakes especially when times are tough. I think it depends whether it was a 'one-off' mistake and he is willing to do anything to make it up to you or whether it is a symptom of how he is going to treat you going forwards. If it was me I would cautiously seek to repair the marriage while looking after my own interests (emotionally and financially). As others have said, sometimes it is in best interests of the children for the parents to split rather than staying together unhappily. Sending you best wishes whatever you decide!

Vivacia · 28/04/2015 14:19

So, what exactly is it that you find attractive about this man? What makes you think, "yes, this is exactly the kind of relationship I want to model to my children"?

Jan45 · 28/04/2015 14:22

The only way a couple get over an affair is if the person who cheated really goes all out to prove they made a massive mistake and do everything and anything to put things right, that's not happening here.

He's betrayed your trust massively and continues to lie, sorry but there is nothing to salvage, he will do it again once everything has died down, sounds like he's more bothered he got caught than the effect it had on you, really disgusting behaviour imo, I couldn't be with a man that did this to me.

Ems1812 · 28/04/2015 14:23

He sounds absolutely vile. So sneaky & selfish. You are much better off without him, he has broken your trust time & time again & will continue to do so. The very fact that he paid her an extra £2000 & continues to watch a lot of porn shows that he really has no care or consideration for the pain he has caused you.

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