Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

[kiwimommy]

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

DrMorbius, what's wrong with 'I think' and you're done?

it might take time before the betrayer realizes that his behavior is BAD

Seriously?

I don't think any of this is really helping the OP. I hope she's ok today.

Morbius I hope you keep posting. You're just being asked not to announce yourself as being male. It's just a bit "Behold a man has arrived...".

JohnFarleysRuskin - By philosophical I mean I was trying to help the OP by stating what I have found from my experience of (and) being a man in general. I wouldn't presume to speak for all men. I wouldn't presume to be more specific, because I do not know any detail of the protagonists (other than what is written above in the OP).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about.

I've no idea if marriages can be salvaged after affairs. The only people I know who tried it ended up bound together out of habit and the bitter desire not to set the other free to be happy.

As long as OP's DH continues to be dishonest, all the counselling and trying to carry on is just wasted effort. He is still cheating, effectively, or at least still in the mindset that led to it. So he either comes clean now to start a real process of counselling or, well, what is there to salvage with an habitual liar?

Dr Morbius

You forgot to specify the value of your house and the number of your kids if you have any . Just a joke. And please do stay with us. We need to hear diverse opinions especially male ones. (I believe that men and women approach differently life problems. We must educate each other to develop a more harmonious approach.) Having said so, I think that your post was very pertinent -
The OP gave some details about the nasty behavior of her H and wondered whether her marriage can still be saved. You came along and added your perspective: his behavior does not necessarily mean that he does not love or respect her as he might still be on cuckoo land.
You also commented on the payment and e-mail to the nanny- suggesting, if my understanding is correct that maybe her H wants somehow to cancel some dirty things he said/did, because the twisted betrayer might think that if his wife knows about them she might be hurt a bit more (as if she can be hurt any more). You also said that you know about a nastier betrayal case and still the spouses were able to save their marriage. So I think your posts are highly appropriate and address a bit the OP concerns. (I am the one that digresses in most of my posts- so maybe that assessment of your posts might not be highly appreciated.)

MaMa, Dr Morbius has since retracted that statement his behavior does not necessarily mean that he does not love or respect her
and he has made very clear that he is not talking about the OP's case specifically here, he was just talking in general from his 'Male perspective'.

Of course the only thing we have to go on, is how the OP describes her Hs behavour. If people are seeing that as respectful then I'm missing something.

100% LTB. The sooner the better.

Is there something I don't know about?

I would definitely leave my dh and I've only read the OP

he sounds horrible.

JFR dear
1- I do not claim that his behavior is respectful
I claim that he lives in a twisted world so twisted that he might still believe that he respects and loves Kiwi EVEN if his NASTY behavior says otherwise. Whilst in affair their mind is twisted and they are completely disconnected from the reality.
Of course dear Kiwi you must make sure that he understand that his behavior is BAD and shows DISRESPECT; that his behavior is DESPICABLE and hurt on many levels. (I wrote in my post in the thread: Support- marriage in recovery that I view affairs as rape of the betrayed perpetrated by the same one that should have protected and loved him/her.)
2- In my post I wrote how I UNDERSTOOD Dr Moebius posts. I should have précised it. Sorry.

shows hurts well there are many errors in my posts- I am sorry

Thank you everyone for your posts, all are helpful even if conflicting. I feel I have a lot more validation for demanding more from H in the repair of the marriage. I have owned up well before I knew of the affair that our marriage was on the rocks and we needed to do something. I've recognised and owned what of my actions created our problems ( focus on work, home chores, not enough time for H or intinmacy). He's also recognised his own behaviour that was damaging our relationship (affair aside).
It has been remarkably easy to work on & improve the above. If the affair weren't in the mix we'd be well on the way back to a healthy relationship. He is an involved & active dad, he's bought me a few nice gifts & is trying to be more thoughtful &considerate for me & vice versa.

We had our counselling session today. He fessed up, apologised for hurting me but not for lying about the payment or actually doing it and would do the same again.

I think we both felt that things were over in that moment. I am a very trusting person ( to the point of gullibility), I am struggling to be angry & not trust him. I still believe he won't do this again, I believe he is not seeing her ( he works from home & is not out much at night - the working at home is how he saw so much of her).

Anyway, what a ramble all to say we seem to be back to ground zero 3 months on.
We are buying the recommended books, I'm going to put a time limit on this thing (12 months should be a good way marker), & I am going to be clear with myself & him about what he needs to do to atone ( as we'd only focused on our pre existing issues without anything specific to the affair).

Thank you everyone for the posts, giving me strength. Seeing a friend tonight to take my mind of this shit.

It has been remarkably easy to work on & improve the above. If the affair weren't in the mix we'd be well on the way back to a healthy relationship.

Well yes, because it's the bit that involves deceit, betrayal, theft and risking your health.

I'm sorry to hear what a turd you are married to. If he was willing to try and save your marriage he'd be grovelling at your feet, not treating you like shit. And as for giving nanny £2,0000.... That alone a deal breaker.

If she dares to ask for a refrence, make sure you ring future employer and tell them what she did.

the nanny didn't have an affair on her own...the husband was equally to blame.

OP's husband is sure to give her a glowing reference. OP won't be consulted at all.

The working from home is how he saw so much of her? He was fucking the nanny when she should have been looking after the kids? Why are you giving him a chance? He was fucking her while you were in labour too. He obviously does not love you.

Enjoy your evening out Kiwi! Do you think you can go on a trip with some girlfriend for a couple of days when your mum is at home? Just to relax and take your mind from this mess?
On the thread: 'support, marriage in recovery' a lady just posted and talked about the good progresses of her marriage recovery.
From what you just posted I think that the prognosis is quite positive and that your marriage has a good chance of being saved. Your H sounds like a decent chap who slipped and could not resist the opportunity (a nice young girl at home attracted by him). It is his weakness. He sinned - no doubt about it but it looks as if he is willing to atone for his sins. About the monies he paid the OW -well you know I understand your anger but I also understand his gesture. If anything- please MN ladies do not stone me for what I will say- I think that this proves that he is a fair and generous minded guy. He called her darling: I like this less. Not because it means that he is hiding something from you like DrM suggested, but because I think that he still sees her as a poor damsel and you as a much more successful being (a blessed mother and 'loved mother') and he, the knight still feels the need to protect her from your anger. I think that maybe you should discuss this with him. I think that there are some underlying issues here. Does he have some issues with his mum and with boundaries?) IMO all this has to be tackled until he understands why the affair was a terrible sin that caused you huge damage and that the 'darling' was inappropriate and akin to adding insult to injury- she might be a poor woman, he might want to help her but he should not have gratified his primal instincts in the process and he should not have 'helped' her at the detriment of his family unit: his primary concerns must always be his family unit; he must protect and love you and the kids more than anyone else on earth; marriage/relationship are rooted in honesty: if he is inclined to do anything that he feels the need to hide from you then he must understand that he is crossing boundaries and he must refrain from doing it; you are his private life: he must understand that. (The hell with monies- I really do not think that at this stage this should be an issue.)
Just one more thing: Please kiwi do not give up your career to have more time for him. Hire help to care for the kids (a male nanny?) and for the housework but keep your job; if you can reduce the working hours then do it- but do not give up on it.

BTW I am as gullible and trustful as you are and the kids are extremely important to me- that makes us weak but funnily enough it is where our strength to face whatever life throws at us stems from- and my H is very tormented not only because of the affair and its consequences but also because of that-he thinks that he is despicable because he abused these nice traits of mine. His problems.

Kiwi: 12 months is your time scale. Good and important to start with a time scale but allow me to add something: you know in human transactions time scales might need to be adjusted-up or down sized according to the progresses or lack of progress- . Keep this in mind (no need to tell him that). Good Luck. I will soon be very busy and will not be able to post- but you will not miss much. I said all I have to say and even more than necessary. MN ladies are really nice, wise and helpful. They will support you with all their heart and wisdom. I will keep an eye on your posts. I am behind you. Good Luck, Big hugs!

Thank you mamaf04. Your posts have been so reassuring. I won't be giving up my career, had been considering whether I just stay off work a little longer than a year. I could not give up my career which I have worked long and hard on. However, I am enjoying being a SAHM for now which was unexpected - I actually think it is because my job had become so stressful & consuming without really realising it. My kids are wonderful little creatures and they are giving me a lot of joy. My mum has been and gone unfortunately - she arrived before the birth and stayed 6 weeks. I wouldn't have coped without her!

We have in fact been talking about moving back to be closer to family support - something we always intended but now seems to be a must. A big risk in some ways (finance, jobs, friends & contacts, stress of moving), but good in many ways too ( fresh start metaphorically, family support, old friends...).

I don't understand. Perhaps I've become so cynical that I feel like I am in a parallel universe reading your posts op. He's a liar, he's paid her this money and lied again,and he's an avid porn user, and you're, well, you appear to be almost ignoring the affair, sticking your fingers in your ears and humming, if you will. Your penultimate post reads to me like you are blaming yourself.

Well, ok, good luck, but I think you are setting yourself up for more grief along the way.

I agree with you, PeppermindPasty, absolutely.

As for MaMaof04, really - he's a fair and generous minded man? Really?

Thanks peppermint. I know I hold no fault for the affair & indiscretions. I just meant stepping back from work stresses to be with kids has been lovely.

Just be careful. The fact he didn't move heaven and earth to be honest and admit his guilt, do everything to make you feel better and still has the brass balls to email the nanny in secret and call her 'Darling', makes me think this might not be the first time. He's acting, to me, like he's got away with it. Just remember he cheated on you for 6 months, while you carried his child. You got cheap chocolates, she got a shag in your bed and a night away. While 'minding' your children.

Mama -sometimes I think you are reading a completely different thread from me. I have to keep goIng back and checking the Ops comments because I think I must have missed or misunderstood something

I cannot see why you think her husband is fair and generous to give his lover £2000 of family Money .

We have no idea if her dismissal was fair or not . The Op says she was dismissed for gross misconduct , but we don't know on what terms, we've not seen the contract , any notice period etc .

I'm assuming that the contract didn't say who the nanny could have sex with in her time off . So I guess she was dismissed because she left the children alone / inadequately supervised . And I'm sure the OP is smart enough to ensure that when the namny was dismissed, she complied with the contractual terms . If the nanny was due the £2k as pay in lieu of notice, they are not being generous in giving it to her and the OP and her H woudl have discussedtogether . That's not what happened here .

The OPs husband stole the money from his wife and kids to give to his lover . He deceived her yet again , even after he was found out . Not the act of a penitent man who is desparate to save his marriage and " atone for his sins " . Since then he's left his wife to cope with a newborn baby alone while he watched porn in his room . He's continued to lie to his wife .

Please tell me how you see a man who has seen the error of his ways and changed ?

You described the nanny as " a nice young girl at home " . She's not a young girl - shes a woman of 30!!! The affair went on for 6 months. They went on weekends away together . The Ops husband left his pregnant wife at home to cope with two kids all weekend so he could shag the nanny

We're not talking about a one off drunken fumble behind the coat rack

I'm sorry, but I think you are massively projecting your thoughts and feeling about your own marriage into the OPs situation .

Mama Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

He read the recommended book last night while I was out. He thought he'd been doing everything he could to repair our relationship. I guess most people are not versed in the impact of, & how to atone for, an affair. He gave me a huge apology & didn't expect any words of comfort back. I think he might be realising now how horrific I feel every minute, he's starting to get it & see that his approach & decisions since have been pretty wrong headed & actually quite self centred. I'm waiting to see how he behaves over the next coue of weeks & counselling sessions now that he's read some expert advice & no longer just relying on his own poor judgement.